I have just finished bullying my 7 year old son

[LaCitrouille]

I’m feeling like the most awful mother on earth at the moment. My 7 year old used to be a star. A textbook good boy. Always praised by friends and teachers. He’s turning into a nightmare recently. Told someone in school last month that He will punch them in the face! When the teacher rang I was shocked and sick of what I heard. His behaviour is deteriorating and the terrible attitudes are showing up every day.

I’ve been trying to analyse and find a different way to correct his behaviour, I’m listening to all videos and podcasts on positive parenting. Whenever I’m out I’m always getting him a treat to encourage the good behaviour. Made time to play with him and spend quality time. Lots and lots of praise and compliments. I have another 1.5 year old who’s really really hard work too. I still didn’t recover from PND and I push myself to keep calm and not yell. But I do . I yell a lot. I hate myself for it. I grew up in an abusive household and I DO NOT WANT the same for my children. I should be in control and should stay calm, but why I’m not.

Yesterday I was feeding my toddler and I knew there are so many chores that need to be done, I sat my DS for 15 mins and told him that He will need to do the SPaG set by the teacher, reminded him about all the necessary rules, locked the door so his brother doesn’t disturb him. I kept on asking if he’s finding it accessible and him telling me yes. 90 minutes after, I found he did only 1 page. There are 7 more. He doesn’t care. He went on online games instead as I’ve already deleted all the games on the iPad. I yelled and screamed and went upstairs crying for a good 30 minutes. Why the hell can’t I just put him in time out rather than ruining the rest of my day?

He came up and apologised to me non stop. He wrote a letter telling me that he will focus and do the school work and and and ... Today we checked and the teacher set him 10 pages of maths, 6 Spag and 2 writings... all accessible and fair for his level. I reminded him about his promise and sat next to him while entertaining his little brother. He worked and answered the full page speedily. I left him with his dad who works at night and needs to rest so he can barely look after DS2 and is generally crap at homework anyway. I went out for a walk and walked in the supermarket, when I got back I found out that he did literally nothing! I was hoping that he’d finish the maths at least then we can have a break and do something fun. I lost my shit! I discovered that he can go on the App Store and download the deleted games without a password. I told him that I’m so disappointed and definitely not proud of him. I told him that I wish such and such were my children instead. I was mean and rude and awful. I told him that he’s a liar and a sneaky one. I said horrible things now my ears are about the explode. I’m disgusted of myself. He cried a lot but I carried on and on and now I regret it and I don’t know how to repair the damage.

OP I had a bad childhood. Very little joy. Vivid memories of being yelled at. My parents fighting. Being hit often and hard.
I swore I would never be like my parents.
When my kids came along I loved them, cherished them and wanted them. But, I struggled when it came to discipline them. When they were rude, or didn’t do as they were told or lashed out at me.
I’d find myself getting angry, upset, desperate almost. I had no coping techniques. I realised pretty quickly that I had no parental role models. All I saw was anger and hate and shouting and hitting.
I never saw cuddles, patience, understanding. I didn’t have the skills I needed.
I got help from my local children’s centre, read some books, opened up to my DH a bit and got more help and support from him. I learned to keep my cool and show my kids the love and understanding I never had.
Do some reading online.
Make sure you eat well and exercise (you and the kids).
Get a good sleep routine (you and the kids).
Talk. Lots. Express how you are feeling and why encourage your children to do the same.
And repeat what works.

Good luck OP.

I agree with a pp, you can't ask him to forget it... you tell him you were very wrong, you didn't mean it and you wouldn't swap him for the world. That you were angry and that it's up to you to sort out, not him. And then.after time you'll forgive yourself as I'm sure you're full of self hatred right now.

For what it's worth, I wish that my parents had taken the massive step you have, in realising that the fault was theirs.

For your family, this means that your son doesn't have to continue to be punished for your parents' failings. And it means that you have the power of knowing you can break the chain of abuse that's probably come from generations before. You're the one with the power here. Don't use it to punish a child. Use it to better the situation.

Sounds like you've had a bit of a crap time with counselling. Keep trying. You'll find someone. It'll save your son and tiny one having to do the same when they're adults, and not wanting to pass on an abusive upbringing to your grandchildren.

I feel for you, like I feel for my own mum. She died years ago, never knowing the damage she'd done to me and my brother. She thought 'I love for you, I live for you' was enough. It's not.

Admitting to your DCs that you are only human and get it wrong is always the best way to go. You aren't always going to get it right. My mother never apologized and everything was always my fault. She said some really vile stuff to me. I have never forgiven her and we don't have much of a relationship to this day.

I don’t understand people who are panicking about this virus if they don’t have children. Surely it’s better to leave this life.

Living only for your children is not healthy. You are putting far too much pressure on your child to fill the emotional holes in your life. And when he doesn’t comply, your reaction is extreme. Imagine how he must feel seeing you screaming and wailing and feeling it’s because of him? Saying sorry, over and over. Why should he have to be your emotional crutch?

It’s not about his behaviour, it’s about yours. If he plays up and you come at him on the same worked-up level, all it will do is escalate things.

Look up the Triple P parenting course, which you can do online even in lockdown.

I encourage you to try counselling again, too. It might be the case that you didn’t have the right counsellor or weren’t open to it. But you owe it to your boy to try.

Talk to him. Tell him you are sorry and that your behaviour was out of line. Make sure he understands that what you did was wrong, that screaming and insulting is never the way to go. He needs to understand that this behaviour was unacceptable from you and that it would be unacceptable from him. Because they are little sponges and if he thinks what you did was fine, he may start picking up bad habits.

As far as homework, perhaps talk with him and give him a hand in setting up a schedule. Would he want to do it all at once or would he rather work in 'chunks' of time. After all at school he has recess and lunch. So why would he expect to sit at a desk at home and do 10-12 pages of homework one after the other? Perhaps he'd prefer to work for an hour or so, then have a break, then work a bit more. Maybe and AM session and then a PM session? It's all about compromise and working out what works for both of you.

As far as re-downloading the games without permission, I think he should pay a 'penalty' for doing that such as loss of recreational screen time or TV time. And I think you need to find a way to 'lock' the feature that let him access the games. I'm sure there are parental controls that would do this.

And I think you need help with anger management. Yes, these are very trying times. But you are an adult and if you can't keep your temper then you need help. If you haven't found the right counselor, keep looking!

Your ds has changed personality possibly because around 7 boys have hormone surges and growth spurts. Just stay with him. He’s changing slowly from your baby to a bigger boy.

I think you’ve got the message by now that ywbu. My dd wasn’t able to work alone at all until she was in yr6. I’m helping her perhaps 30% of the time with her school work and she’s in yr7. Your ds will learn a lot by playing, doing things with you and getting involved. I do appreciate you have a younger child. But maybe you could find some interesting things to do together too. Bottom line, at 7, he really doesn’t need to do a great deal of official school work. If your dh can take any time off, that would be great. Friends and I always noticed our dcs making step progress when with 2 adults.

As for you, I think you should get on the phone tomorrow to your Gp and ask for some help. Tablets at the very least. Mental health issues need to be helped as much as possible even though we are in crisis.

I think you need ti ask for help. There are people trained who would support you. Tell them what you put in the OP and that you need help to change

You can contact your childrens centre. Or your childs school. They will be well aware that home is very difficult for some children and the fact you want to change means its wirth trying to help.

How long was the teacher expecting that work to be done over. My 9 year old, while in school, would only be expected to do a page of maths a day

However his school seems a lot more lax with the amount of work they expect them to do. They gave them 6 boxes with 6 things in each and asked that they do at least one out of each box each week (so yesterday it was take a walk around your garden and see what insects you see and then make a table about how many legs etc they have - so he's worked out from that that a woodlouse is not an insect because it doesn't have 6 legs etc)

I'd ease up on the school work and it may make you less stressed and therefore less likely to lash out at him (even if that lashing is verbal it hurts)

Fucking hell! You sound like how my parents behaved growing up. Your poor poor DS. He needs to get away from you as a matter of urgency. The timing isn't ideal, but is there anyone you know who can step in while you sort yourself out? If not then social services do. The only positive thing here is that you acknowledge your behaviour is appalling. Now do the right thing & seek help. Is DH aware of how things have escalated? Can he step in while you stay the hell away?

You've beaten yourself up about this (with an awful lot of help form pp here)but now you need to move forward. Make sure you get that help for the PND that you deserve.

I think the teacher is setting too much homework. You don't have to do it all and feel the pressure. Do the homework together supporting each other. Then go for a walk together. He is only seven. In five years time you will see photos and realise how little he is. Cherish the time you have. Cuddle him and tell him you love him. Xxx

You've done well recognising that your behaviour and emotional disregulation stems from your own upbringing. That is a powerful realisation. It will allow you to work with a good therapist to change your core beliefs about yourself and the rules you live your life by.

I always find it amazing how the public pile on to express their sympathy for the child here and berate the parent and give no thought to the fact the parent once was the child. Growing up with emotional abuse changes the brain's development. It makes emotional regulation totally different to those brought up feeling loved and supported. Low self esteem and anger is buried incredibly deep when a child is rejected in childhood. Telling someone to 'get a grip' doesn't cut it and if you haven't been there then you don't know. The OP is making steps to stop this generational cycle of abuse. Good luck, OP.

@Ukholidaysaregreat
Well said.

It doesn’t sound like you’re coping in general and your wee one is bearing the brunt. There’s no point apologising without taking steps to address what’s bubbling away under the surface. Do you have support?

Control yourself woman. A 7 year old does not understand emotional hysterics from mother. Very bad for him. Don't screw him up. it is not about you - get a grip.

I think some are underestimating just how uncontrollable PND is. I adored my eldest but thought about dying all the time as I felt I didn't deserve her. I would spend hours,in tears sure I was ruining her life. I had my second 2 years later and because of that it seemed to ease my depression.
OP you've taken a bit step by admitting you were wrong and in apologised to him. Your next step needs to recognising when you get angry and leaving the room or house for a few minutes. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that your son saw,you cry. He needs to understand when actions upset you. He is still very young and the homework sounds a lot.
I would email the school and explain you are taking a break from schooling for a few days. When you go back to it just do it 30 minutes blocks. It will be easier.
The important thing though is to manage your anger and try to get some help for your depression.

On threads where men shout at their children, they are abusive bastards and the OP is endlessly harangued to LTB, yet when it’s a woman doing it, the hand wringing brigade always make the same pathetic excuses.

Do those of you patting the OP on the head think emotional abuse hurts and damages children less when it’s doled out by mothers? 🙄

@tara66
Well that was helpful

I’ll be honest, everything seemed pretty normal to me & not at all a big deal until your reaction to him not doing his homework.

Wishing he was another child? Calling him a liar? I’m sorry OP, but you need to address your own issues here. It’s really sad you grew up this way & great you don’t want to do this to your children but unfortunately you are. You need to address this for your son.

Apologise to him, his so young & they don’t forget these things!!!

This is terrible -
I also think your replies about looking at his behaviour as a response to the children in his class as you trying to distance yourself from the problem.

I strongly disagree that you’ve been told to leave your child to do HW at his age on his own, independently doesn’t mean in isolation, it means not doing it for them but you should certainly be on hand to facilitate, prompting and encouraging him.

Take some deep breaths and don’t berate your child like that otherwise you’re going to have a very , very unstable and emotional teenager .

I’m all for live & let live and don’t judge other people’s parenting but actually, this isn’t one of those times IMO. You asked for opinions OP, I’m giving an honest one. Your sons behaviour sounds normal but yours does not. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum! You clearly love your sons. Just seek help.

My dd is 6 and I wouldn't really expect her to independently to 7 sheets. At best I would start her off and say I'm loading the dishwasher you sit at the kitchen table and do the rest and she might. Think you need to calm down a bit

@Ukholidaysaregreat We have no way of knowing if the teacher is setting enough or too much work. It’s not homework, it’s work.

The issue is expecting a seven year old to independently work when they’ve never been taught to do so. They aren’t just sat in a room alone with their tasks, the teacher or TA is circulating to see who is on task, who is struggling and who is simply messing around and then eases them back into their work.

Mitzicoco - I have no patience with adults who take their ailments out on their children - what ever it is.