I have just finished bullying my 7 year old son

[LaCitrouille]

I’m feeling like the most awful mother on earth at the moment. My 7 year old used to be a star. A textbook good boy. Always praised by friends and teachers. He’s turning into a nightmare recently. Told someone in school last month that He will punch them in the face! When the teacher rang I was shocked and sick of what I heard. His behaviour is deteriorating and the terrible attitudes are showing up every day.

I’ve been trying to analyse and find a different way to correct his behaviour, I’m listening to all videos and podcasts on positive parenting. Whenever I’m out I’m always getting him a treat to encourage the good behaviour. Made time to play with him and spend quality time. Lots and lots of praise and compliments. I have another 1.5 year old who’s really really hard work too. I still didn’t recover from PND and I push myself to keep calm and not yell. But I do . I yell a lot. I hate myself for it. I grew up in an abusive household and I DO NOT WANT the same for my children. I should be in control and should stay calm, but why I’m not.

Yesterday I was feeding my toddler and I knew there are so many chores that need to be done, I sat my DS for 15 mins and told him that He will need to do the SPaG set by the teacher, reminded him about all the necessary rules, locked the door so his brother doesn’t disturb him. I kept on asking if he’s finding it accessible and him telling me yes. 90 minutes after, I found he did only 1 page. There are 7 more. He doesn’t care. He went on online games instead as I’ve already deleted all the games on the iPad. I yelled and screamed and went upstairs crying for a good 30 minutes. Why the hell can’t I just put him in time out rather than ruining the rest of my day?

He came up and apologised to me non stop. He wrote a letter telling me that he will focus and do the school work and and and ... Today we checked and the teacher set him 10 pages of maths, 6 Spag and 2 writings... all accessible and fair for his level. I reminded him about his promise and sat next to him while entertaining his little brother. He worked and answered the full page speedily. I left him with his dad who works at night and needs to rest so he can barely look after DS2 and is generally crap at homework anyway. I went out for a walk and walked in the supermarket, when I got back I found out that he did literally nothing! I was hoping that he’d finish the maths at least then we can have a break and do something fun. I lost my shit! I discovered that he can go on the App Store and download the deleted games without a password. I told him that I’m so disappointed and definitely not proud of him. I told him that I wish such and such were my children instead. I was mean and rude and awful. I told him that he’s a liar and a sneaky one. I said horrible things now my ears are about the explode. I’m disgusted of myself. He cried a lot but I carried on and on and now I regret it and I don’t know how to repair the damage.

The title of your thread makes me feel sick, OP.

I don't know what you can do to make your son un-hear this. In short, he can't, he's 7 and he understands what you said and that you meant to say it because you repeatedly did. Did nothing resonate when you were saying these things? Stop you in your tracks?

I get that you're stressed, many people are, but being in lockdown with somebody who shouts and is abusive isn't a comfortable place to be.

I think you've been very dismissive also given that some posters here have told you of their own experiences and you're quite glib and easy with getting over what happened.

Are you going to tell your husband about this? I think you should, however uncomfortable that would be... were the boot on the other foot you'd expect that from him, I'm sure.

You'll not know for now what impact you've had, the best you can do is not do it again and remove yourself from the situation if you have to do that. Your son won't forget though so don't kid yourself that he will, you've demonstrated how far you can lose your temper to BOTH children. Perhaps keeping that in your head for now will temper your interactions with your son(s).

I'm sorry for you but I'm sorrier for your son.

I have a 7 year old boy. It's still so little. Seems to me you are putting to much trust on him to do things alone when hes still too little to be trusted to do it alone..

I know he likely feels big to you compared to your little one but he isnt. I have a ten and fifteen year old and even my ten year old cant just be left to get on with stuff. She needs reminded repeatedly or me to sit and assist.

Their lives are turned upside down. I'm sure his teacher would rather he done things at his own pace with help when you can sit with him than leave him to do it then stress each other out screaming when it isnt done. If the shouting is often, that's likely why his behaviour is going downhill.

We are all going through a hard time and honestly I'd just put the homework on a back burner just now, let the teacher know you are struggling with it all so having a break and just concentrate on having fun together.

I told him that I wish such and such were my children instead my mum said that to me when I was 6 and I've never forgotten it. Sorry if that sounds harsh but words can cause so much damage. You sound a lot like her. It ended up affecting my dad's mental health too as he was heartbroken when he found out how she was with us. They split and it was a contributing factor.

Can you speak to your partner about it? Tell him you know he's tired but you said the above to your son and are scared of losing it again so he needs to help.

What help are you getting for you PND? Because from:
I asked myself the other day if I would be concerned if I caught the virus. My answer was yes just for my children. I wouldn’t mind dying if I didn’t have my children. I think I’m ready to go. There’s no joy in life apart from them both. I don’t want to live for them and then end up doing a shit damaging job.

You sound massively depressed still. Please contact your GP and get more help/keep taking your medication.

Then be kind to yourself. Make sure you have time for yourself, to do whatever helps your mental health going. That is the best thing you can do for your children.

The school work is not that important! Keep your son reading, and doing some writing, and a little bit of Maths (but that can be incorporated into other activities). Really at 7 nothing is that crucial - he will catch up. And only expect him to stay on task for "his age + 5 minutes" at the most. Make sure he is getting exercise.
And he's not too young to have a conversation about mental health, and how tricky it is right now for us all, and maybe even to learn some deep breathing/mindfulness techniques.

This is not a normal time - so be even kinder on yourself and your DC.

I still sit with my son for home sessions and he’s 8 so maybe you’re expecting too much of him if he gets distracted when alone? At least you realise you went too far and want to address it. Obviously the slap was way out of line and should never be repeated. I agree with others, have a break from school work let him relax and spend some time playing; it’s all good for them!

We’re all stressed at the moment. Pick your battles. He isn’t going to fail his GCSEs because he misses SPAG for a few weeks.

Apologise to him, specifically about saying you wish other kids were yours and explain you’re all on edge and can we all work together to help do our bit. Maybe ask if he can help out with stuff around the house rather than expecting him to sit all day doing school work.

Don’t be too hard on yourself but recognise you’ll need to let some stuff slide over the next few weeks or you’ll all end up hitting the roof.

It’s hard for the kids, they don’t understand it. Realise that but also, at 7 they are getting to the age where they should understand they have a little bit of responsibility to help out too.

If this was a man writing about his treatment of his partner I wonder if people would still be doing the “Oh you poor thing it sounds as if you’re struggling” sappy crap 🙄

But because it’s a mother picking on a small child we have to be gentle with the abuser.

I just don’t get Mumsnet sometimes 🙄

Incidentally, I'd like to hear how you are meant to be constantly guiding your DC whilst working full /time for home? Is that neglect too? Should you be reported for that too

My son is 7 and he has maybe a couple of pages of maths, spag and an English task to do everyday. Are you sure that it's 10 pages of work a day?

He's only 7, he's still so little. 10 pages is a hell of a lot, without any encouragement and supervision. Don't keep buying him things for praise, tell him.

You need to apologise and you need help to control your temper.

Hi OP

I think what you've done is awful but... posters should see that you know you've done wrong, your disgusted in yourself and want to make it right.

I think you need to have a think about what is making you feel so angry and why you feel that it's acceptable to treat your son like this. My toddler makes me so angry sometimes (steam coming out of ears angry) but that anger has to be controlled. Your badly loosing that controll so it's your responsibility to find out why. Once you know why, you can work out how to prevent it.

I think PPs idea of a chilled week and a break from work will be really beneficial for you both. 7 year olds are not going to be in the 'school mindset' whilst at home so I think that's something that you need to accept.

You can do it but you must loose your temper. You'll serverly damage your child and ruin his life.

I don't disagree with that PamelaPupkin, the OP though does have PND and men don't suffer with that so it's not quite a fair comparison.

It's a terrible time for many people and I think we're seeing the figures of deaths from the virus but not the mental health damage which is also going to have a major impact. Because of where we are with a physical health crisis, all attention and resources will be on that.

I do feel for the OP, I really do - but some things just can't be unsaid and I don't think she's realised that.

*must not loose your temper

I love my kids. I live for my kids

And yet when one of your kids needed you, you told him you'd rather have someone else's kid. You hit him. You left him with his other parent, whilst acknowledging they were not able to care adequately for him. You punished him for not being able to sit down for 90 minutes of work. Many adults are struggling with that currently, given the sudden changes of circumstance.

OP, have you had any counselling regarding your abusive upbringing? You have behaved abusively towards your son. I'm sorry to say it. Whether it turns out as 'That time mum went bananas', or a pattern of behaviour, is up to you. But it's your behaviour that needs correcting, not his. He's 7.

Op, what help have you sought for your depression?

It is concerning that you say without your children you think you wouldn't mind dying. You urgently need some support for your mental health and this thread isn't going to help you. Tell your husband how you're feeling. Tell your gp. Even in the midst of a pandemic, they will still help someone who is having those kind of thoughts.
Please please get some help. Life doesn't have to be this way.

I can’t thank you enough. All of you. I realised that I’m really putting so much pressure on him. Perhaps passing on the exact burden that I suffered from as a child, to my poor boy. I feel awful just crap crap crap.
I thought he must be the only one not getting on with his work properly. The schools uploads daily work for the children to do and they highlight the importance of it to be done thoroughly and independently, as much as possible. They also show “additional” home work that some children did separately to encourage others. It makes me feel like he’s just being lazy while he could be more productive. I’m stupid yes I know. I just realised that. He’s 7. Just last time he was my baby. Why am I expecting too much of him now? I’m so stupid.

I have apologised to him now and asked him to forget what I said because I didn’t mean it. I wasn’t myself and I wasn’t talking to him.

The the PP who said I must have issues, yes I’m. I’m full of issues. Full of whys. Hence me really not fearing death. I don’t understand people who are panicking about this virus if they don’t have children. Surely it’s better to leave this life.

You’re screaming, crying, totally emotionally dysregulated. If his father was behaving like this towards him, what would you say? What would posters here say? They’d tell you he was abusive and LTB, that’s what they’d say.

You really need to get some help with your own emotions and you need to stop flying off the handle and losing control. Otherwise you will be doing irreparable harm to your child and to your relationship with him.

You know it’s not acceptable. So do something about it.

I was put on a waiting list for counselling. Then had two sessions where I was told to learn to chill. The third was cancelled because of the status quo. I don’t want to blame what I did on my depression. At the end of the day I could’ve never said this to an adult so why did I say it to my child?

Threads like this make me so emotional. I think you know you’ve done wrong and what that little boy needs is your unconditional love. Yes, he’s not perfect, just like the majority of other kids his age.
It sounds like you need to get help for depression.

why did I say it to my child?

He’s smaller? He can’t answer back?

There are some smaller things in your post that stood out to me.
I reminded him of his promise - why does he need to make promises like this? It will be setting him up to fail will make him feel bad about himself/guilty.

He said sorry again and again and wrote you a letter after you were crying for half an hour. Are these things that consistently go on? There is too much pressure and guilt on him on top of the shouting and locking in his room.

History is repeating itself. This isn’t a what a childhood is supposed to be about.

I hope this thread is fake.

OP can you see if there's online counselling available to you? And see if you can speak to your GP? You are depressed and that makes it difficult to regulate your emotions. For your sake and your DCs' sake, please seek further help

LaCitrouille, you're putting all the emphasis on your child to forget this, that you weren't yourself, etc. You're his mum and he needed you to be his rock - and you're telling him that you had no control? That really isn't what he wants or needs to hear.

I really think you need to tell your partner/husband what has happened because your child needs somebody in his corner unrelated to this incident - and you need somebody to talk to about what happened. Needless to say, your child is not that person. He needs an advocate for him.

I understand depression but really, saying that it would be better to leave this life? You have children, they're here and they need their parents to stand fast and give them stability. Wailing on her is alright as long as you don't give way in front of your children again, they need to know that everything will be ok and that's your job.

I feel really angry with you, your poor little lad. HE IS 7 !!!. Your expecting far too much from him. You need to sort your temper out .