I have just finished bullying my 7 year old son

[LaCitrouille]

I’m feeling like the most awful mother on earth at the moment. My 7 year old used to be a star. A textbook good boy. Always praised by friends and teachers. He’s turning into a nightmare recently. Told someone in school last month that He will punch them in the face! When the teacher rang I was shocked and sick of what I heard. His behaviour is deteriorating and the terrible attitudes are showing up every day.

I’ve been trying to analyse and find a different way to correct his behaviour, I’m listening to all videos and podcasts on positive parenting. Whenever I’m out I’m always getting him a treat to encourage the good behaviour. Made time to play with him and spend quality time. Lots and lots of praise and compliments. I have another 1.5 year old who’s really really hard work too. I still didn’t recover from PND and I push myself to keep calm and not yell. But I do . I yell a lot. I hate myself for it. I grew up in an abusive household and I DO NOT WANT the same for my children. I should be in control and should stay calm, but why I’m not.

Yesterday I was feeding my toddler and I knew there are so many chores that need to be done, I sat my DS for 15 mins and told him that He will need to do the SPaG set by the teacher, reminded him about all the necessary rules, locked the door so his brother doesn’t disturb him. I kept on asking if he’s finding it accessible and him telling me yes. 90 minutes after, I found he did only 1 page. There are 7 more. He doesn’t care. He went on online games instead as I’ve already deleted all the games on the iPad. I yelled and screamed and went upstairs crying for a good 30 minutes. Why the hell can’t I just put him in time out rather than ruining the rest of my day?

He came up and apologised to me non stop. He wrote a letter telling me that he will focus and do the school work and and and ... Today we checked and the teacher set him 10 pages of maths, 6 Spag and 2 writings... all accessible and fair for his level. I reminded him about his promise and sat next to him while entertaining his little brother. He worked and answered the full page speedily. I left him with his dad who works at night and needs to rest so he can barely look after DS2 and is generally crap at homework anyway. I went out for a walk and walked in the supermarket, when I got back I found out that he did literally nothing! I was hoping that he’d finish the maths at least then we can have a break and do something fun. I lost my shit! I discovered that he can go on the App Store and download the deleted games without a password. I told him that I’m so disappointed and definitely not proud of him. I told him that I wish such and such were my children instead. I was mean and rude and awful. I told him that he’s a liar and a sneaky one. I said horrible things now my ears are about the explode. I’m disgusted of myself. He cried a lot but I carried on and on and now I regret it and I don’t know how to repair the damage.

Why do you not turn the WiFi off when it is school work time? Am I missing something? Can the work not be downloaded or viewed with the WiFi off?
Then at least you know he's not playing online games or using the app store?

Wow, enough with the OP bashing. She knows damn right she is in the wrong. Some suggest full comments would be good here, for her sake and the kids.

There’s a pandemic, which must be a massive stress to all
Children. So what if he doesn’t do his homework.
What would he like to do?

I will get the book. Thank you for the recommendation.

I love my kids. I live for my kids. I asked myself the other day if I would be concerned if I caught the virus. My answer was yes just for my children. I wouldn’t mind dying if I didn’t have my children. I think I’m ready to go. There’s no joy in life apart from them both. I don’t want to live for them and then end up doing a shit damaging job.

there are a couple of things here

1. you need to learn to exercise compassion - for yourself, for your kids, for your own past in abusive relationships, for your present challenges
2. you need to try to stop thinking in such black and white ways "star" vs "nightmare" - all of us humans, including your son and you, can have good moments and bad moments. Painting him (and yourself) as angel or demon doesn't help.
3. you need to apologise to your son and let him know how much you honestly do love him and how out of order this was. YOU are the adult, you need to model the behaviour you'd like him to emulate
4. you need to try to stop worrying so much about the homework, we are all stressed, he's 7, it's not the end of the world if he doesn't do it all
5. when this is over, or even before (there are some online), you need to find a good therapist who will help you to deal with your own abusive past so that you don't continue to re-visit it on your kids

on the plus side, you sound like you care a lot and really do not want to make your kids live through what you did. You recognise it's happening which is great. You can make this change.

My oldest went through wobble at 7-8 years old dont worry its stood him in good stead ever since.

Take a step back - hes only 7 you dont actually need to worry for a few years yet this is just a blip. One of the exercises i found helpful was the worry bag. You can do this at a quiet time before bedtime or even get a neutral person to start it for you. All sorts of things come out in the frustrations of a 7 year old. My son for exapmle was very stressed that his friend had said he had a certain games consol however when mt son visited he told him it was in the loft. This uspet my son that his friend was lying. There was also an issue at school where a naked picture had been found on the school computer of a lady.... this had been blamed on him. We had not been told about any of this drama and to him it was very distressing.

The worries wont necessarily come out to you it may take a neutral person who is quite cunning, but once you have the set up you can do the worry bag every night to go through any issues. Its lovely I still joke to my son now when i ring him.... whats in your worry bag.

Guided Access might help. You click the ipad button 3 times quickly and it allows you to lock the screen on whatever application it’s on.

So for example if your child uses Google Classroom it will be locked on Google Classroom and he won’t be able to open any other apps.

(It’s not so good though if he does his work on a website rather than an app as then it’s locked on Safari and he can just open other tabs to play games.. might take him a while to realise this though).

Unfortunately some schools are setting unrealistic amounts of work especially if you have a little one to watch too. I don’t think most 7 year olds would sit and work independently for 90 minutes unless it was something they really enjoyed anyway. So yes lower your expectations.

Many parents lose their shit sometimes. Apologise to him, resolve to react differently next time, and ignore the more hysterical responses on here.

Sort it out OP. You know this isn't on.

I could sugar coat it, but i know from personal experience what you need is a telling off.

Another reco for the P Perry book. I didn't have an abusive childhood, but have struggled with parenting on and off - I found becoming a parent very hard and again when DC2 was born. I actually cried at the end of the book (not like me at all!) because I realised that so much of what I struggle with with DC1 in particular is because of my perceptions of how my parents treated me at that age and also to do with my own issues with becoming a parent and my feelings towards DC1's early babyhood. Lots of complicated stuff!

It, amongst lots of other self-reflection, has helped me become a less 'shouty' mum.

But yes, I think the one thing you can immediately do that will help the situation is relax about the homework. It really doesn't matter for a 7-year-old. In fact, there have been studies that show that homework in primary school is pointless. Instead, why not try to focus on DS's passions and interests? Loads of great activities to do with kids available online at the moment, I recommend the Twinkl site (which is free to all at the moment) - it's a homeschooling website and has lots of activities that are educational but more fun than 10 pages of maths homework. Get out for a walk everyday - set DS tasks/ things to find (e.g. find me 10 sticks the same length or whatever), or play i-spy or whatever and the little one will be entertained just by being pushed in the buggy.

If you have told your 7yo you wish you hadn't had them, then you need professional intervention to help you deal with your issues. Otherwise not meeting your excessive homework expectations is going to be the very least of your worries in a few years time. We've all said things we regret in anger, but not that - that goes waaay over the line of what is acceptable. It's emotionally abusive, full stop, and there is no excuse for that.

Poor little lad.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. The world isn’t a good place right now and everyone is being tested, including yourself and your child. You were stressed and you maybe made a mistake by talking to him in that way, but you can put it right, and apologise, explain to him that you shouldn’t have spoken to him in that way, explain how you just felt sad and frustrated . Nobody is perfect and right now we all need to just support each other a little more. You’re doing a great job as a parent, you’re just trying to do the right thing in trying to help him with his education, and I can assure you that you’re not the only mum who’s acted in a way they wish they hadn’t during this time and that your child isn’t the only one to behave in ways you don’t want them to. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, Op.

This is a bit confused. I locked him in his room, I gave him a smack. I didn’t lock him in his room and I gave him a snack.

He’s seven op. Give him a break. You’re in a vicious circle right now. Bullying your child, shouting st them, making them repeatedly apologise, making them cry excessively, saying awful things to them, verbally abusing them ,( and even physically assaulting them if you did,) is never ok.

When you feel yourself not coping you need to be able to recognise it and remove yourself from the situation till you are back in control.

This isn’t about your son and him doing his homework, it’s about your ability to cope. Right now you are not able to do so. If you can’t get it under control by tomorrow you need to phone your gp and explain you’re not coping and need help with your mental health.

He is 7 years old, of course he would choose games over school work. Give the boy a break.

I get it, my 6 year old can be difficult and frustrating with school work and I too have a toddler and am doing it mostly on my own with dh a key worker. But when it becomes a battle with school work, we stop it, we leave it for later. Tuesday he only did half an hour of school work and then we watched Disney plus. I try and make it fun, we do crafts, we do educational board games. There is so much learning to be found that does not mean your son sitting and doing hours of work on worksheets.

Apologise to him, and keep school work to short bursts with breaks in between.

Also grab breaks for yourself when you can. When my toddler naps, I spend 45 mins with my 6 year old playing games or what ever he wants to do and then for 45 minutes he has to entertain himself so I can recharge a little.

I think your expectations are too high for a 7 year old. My niece is 7 and I wouldn’t expect her to do all that school work on her own. There is too much distraction from being at home. My dd who is just coming up to 3 is playing me up, she misses her grandparents and her cousins, uncles and aunts. She tells me she misses nanny, I think she’s confused and quite upset about it. I use time out, it calms her down and I talk to her about it. I don’t scream at my kid. I think probably your really more stressed out with the situation we are all currently in. Just tell him your sorry and you love him and sit with him tomorrow and go through his work with him. After my little one has been really upset we watch a movie and have a hot chocolate with a cuddle. Maybe do that and give him a break, he’s just a baby really.

"Why the hell can’t I just put him in time out rather than ruining the rest of my day?"

Why is this situation all about you? Do you have a diagnosed personality disorder like borderline or NPD by any chance? If not, I'd ask your GP for a referral to mental health services so they can assess you and hopefully work with you to get some coping skills. Seriously, you need outside help with this situation because you're emotionally abusing your child. Asking a 7-year old "is it accessible?" isn't going to give you a good answer he probably doesn't even understand what you mean and is giving you the answer he thinks you want to hear because he's scared of you kicking off at him like you did.

When my kids were small we could smack their legs. It didn’t do a scrap of good but it made us feel better.

I suggest you keep some old cups etc that you can smash on the ground and yell at the same time. That lets it all go, believe me.

Break up the homework into small chunks, remember when you were at school twenty minute lessons seemed a lifetime.

My youngest son was hauled over the coals for aggressive behaviour and I couldn’t believe they were talking about my son. Turned out he was exceptionally bright and bored. Sounds like your son is pretty clued up too. It’s not possible to do everything right you are doing your best. Pat yourself on the back.

Oh that’s nice for the kids to see their mother smashing cups up, wtf

He does not need to be doing school work just now. He is 7 years old. Schools that insist kids need to be doing school work day in, day out, during the lockdown, are not thinking of the emotional health of the children. Mine have been doing nothing. They play, they do crafts, they read all day, but do no school work. They cook with me and clean with me. We talk, and talking inevitably leads to learning. They will be fine. Your son will be fine. Kids learn all the time. Just enjoy his company without forcing him to do anything. Now is a good time to repair whatever was going wrong earlier in the year. You can do this. Strengthen bonds and he will thrive.

Bluntness100 "This is a bit confused. I locked him in his room, I gave him a smack. I didn’t lock him in his room and I gave him a snack."

The OP didn't say she gave him a smack at all, she said snack.

You're expecting too much of him tbh. Working at home on his own, with minimal supervision is nothing like being at school.
Apologise. Love bomb him and either cut back on the school work or be beside him when he's supposed to be doing it. He's showing you that he's too little to work independently and to self-motivate.
How to Talk so Kids will Listen is a good book if you haven't read it yet. You need to try to take some of the heat out of your interactions.

Wow. That was hard to read.
A helpful comment I suppose would be to relax your expections of how much work you’re expecting him to do, 90 min and 10 pages of maths unsupervised at the age of 7 is asking far too much.
Break the tasks down into smaller amounts of time, try to let him do his work in a communal area of the house rather then alone in his room - sitting at the dining table for example, he can quietly get on with it whilst still seeing you are there for supervision as needed - similar to his classroom environment. Try to get involved with his work, engage with him, give him praise.

But I actually think forget the importance of the school work right now. He needs your love and you just being mum more.

You are abusing him. Honestly you need to get help. Can you ask the health visitor or report yourself to social services?

a 7yo needs supervising, and if he has 10 pages, I would be expecting him to do 2 or 3, then call a break for 15 mins, then go back to do some more.

I'm not supervising my 11yo, but i'm literally in the next room (doors open) and she can come ask for my help any time she likes... i'm having to supervise my 13yo (he has autism and the mental/emotional age of a 7yo ftr) as he would do EXACTLY what your child is doing.

Step back, lower your expectations, supervise him.

I suggest you keep some old cups etc that you can smash on the ground and yell at the same time. That lets it all go, believe me.

🙄