I have just finished bullying my 7 year old son

[LaCitrouille]

I’m feeling like the most awful mother on earth at the moment. My 7 year old used to be a star. A textbook good boy. Always praised by friends and teachers. He’s turning into a nightmare recently. Told someone in school last month that He will punch them in the face! When the teacher rang I was shocked and sick of what I heard. His behaviour is deteriorating and the terrible attitudes are showing up every day.

I’ve been trying to analyse and find a different way to correct his behaviour, I’m listening to all videos and podcasts on positive parenting. Whenever I’m out I’m always getting him a treat to encourage the good behaviour. Made time to play with him and spend quality time. Lots and lots of praise and compliments. I have another 1.5 year old who’s really really hard work too. I still didn’t recover from PND and I push myself to keep calm and not yell. But I do . I yell a lot. I hate myself for it. I grew up in an abusive household and I DO NOT WANT the same for my children. I should be in control and should stay calm, but why I’m not.

Yesterday I was feeding my toddler and I knew there are so many chores that need to be done, I sat my DS for 15 mins and told him that He will need to do the SPaG set by the teacher, reminded him about all the necessary rules, locked the door so his brother doesn’t disturb him. I kept on asking if he’s finding it accessible and him telling me yes. 90 minutes after, I found he did only 1 page. There are 7 more. He doesn’t care. He went on online games instead as I’ve already deleted all the games on the iPad. I yelled and screamed and went upstairs crying for a good 30 minutes. Why the hell can’t I just put him in time out rather than ruining the rest of my day?

He came up and apologised to me non stop. He wrote a letter telling me that he will focus and do the school work and and and ... Today we checked and the teacher set him 10 pages of maths, 6 Spag and 2 writings... all accessible and fair for his level. I reminded him about his promise and sat next to him while entertaining his little brother. He worked and answered the full page speedily. I left him with his dad who works at night and needs to rest so he can barely look after DS2 and is generally crap at homework anyway. I went out for a walk and walked in the supermarket, when I got back I found out that he did literally nothing! I was hoping that he’d finish the maths at least then we can have a break and do something fun. I lost my shit! I discovered that he can go on the App Store and download the deleted games without a password. I told him that I’m so disappointed and definitely not proud of him. I told him that I wish such and such were my children instead. I was mean and rude and awful. I told him that he’s a liar and a sneaky one. I said horrible things now my ears are about the explode. I’m disgusted of myself. He cried a lot but I carried on and on and now I regret it and I don’t know how to repair the damage.

Yea sounds like you are causing his bad behaviour by your abuse. Children don't sit and do work in school without the teacher constantly reminding them to stay on task so why would he sit doing it himself in a locked room?

Poor kid. Your expectations are too high. Loosen up abit .

Cheese sandwich sounds better!
Lower your expectations from your ds and go easy on him. Spag can wait.

I didn't see smack anywhere. Apologising is not grovelling! Try get some proper sleep OP it's a really tiring time and tiredness definitely effects my mood here. He won't manage that amount alone.

Too many people on here down play abusive behaviour from parents and pass it off as "having a bad day" of "stressful situation". No wonder he tells people he will punch them in the face, when his mother tells him she wishes he wasn't her son.

You need to break the day into chunks op. My 11 year old would struggle to sit still for 90 minutes, we are managing 20 minute blocks at the moment and it’s going well.
I know you’re busy but try and sit with him for ten minutes to help with his work, he may need a bit of a confidence boost to get going.
I popped to the shops a few days ago, told dd to do some work, she ended up watching tv instead 🙄, I was a bit annoyed like yourself but there’s no need for screaming.
It’s hard going for kids especially these past few weeks, give him a break and spend some time with him.

I’ve never treated him this way. Never. We talk a lot. He’s very chatty and we always have conversations. Recently he’s just not listening, he ignores our instructions, winds his little brother up, do whatever he thinks is right and sometimes laughs when confronted. His teacher thinks that he’s being influenced by some children who don’t have the best reputation in school. She has even asked him to think about making new friends and sat him with a well behaved boy. He befriended him for a day then said to me that he doesn’t like him. He has been bullied in school previously and I stood up to him and the bullies were punished. I thought he’s over it now. Or that’s at least how he seems.

It's children like yours that are better off at school, and lots still are at the school mine go to

He's 7 years old! Poor little thing

That was hard to read op, in addition to what others have said about apologising and lowering your expectations I would be finding out why his behaviour has apparently changed so much. Has it coincided with a new sibling? Is he needing a bit more one on one time?

His behaviour hasn't changed for no reason if it were my child I would be trying to find out what is going on with him.

You have far to high expectations of him I think which is causing this

His behaviour has changed because he’s being abused at home.

That is too much work for a seven year old to be expected to complete even with support much less without it. My own dd hasn't done any school work, her world has been turned on it's head and she is struggling with the changes. Her school understand this and so rather than expecting multiple worksheets they are offering emotional support and sending links to suggested activities instead. Your little
boy has had the same shock to his world as my daughter (and he is younger to boot) but instead of support and understanding he is getting worksheets and bullying. You ask why he behaves badly, I'd suggest that you consider just what behaviour you yourself are modelling to him.
Put away the worksheets, give him a break, play games spend time in the garden and build your relationship. When he's had a break from the worksheets (it's Easter holidays soon) I'd suggest short sessions of no more than twenty minutes with something fun promised for afterwards.

Aw, you aren't a bad mother or you wouldn't be here asking for help.
If your son doesn't do his work for a couple of days the world won't end.
Talk to your dh and ask for some help. Whilst he's working, when he comes home he can help with some things, surely. He can't just be crap at homework he is also a parent and responsible for his children.
It sounds like you need to take a step back and look at what you can do and manage with that for now.
Do you have a garden for them to play in, or can you visit a park for an hours run about. You are all in the same household so not a problem.

There's three separate things here - don't mix them up.

1. You bullying your son. completely not on. Step back , step away, lower your expectations, forget the homework, count to 100...
2. Your son not doing his homework when left alone for 90 minutes. Well... Duh!! He's 7.
3. His behaviour that has changed.

2 is not the problem. He's doing the homework with you. You can't expect anymore.

3 - School's for a while. Forget this for now.

Concentrate on fixing 1.

I used to do so much homework when I was his age. Much more than what he’s receiving from his school. I’m from a different country and I think you’re all right. My expectations are possibly too high and I’ll need to lower them for his sake.

Just to clarify, I’m always next to him when he does his homework. But since the lockdown it’s very hard to keep on top of the work while looking after an active toddler too. Furthermore, the school recommends that you leave children to do the work on their own. I used to work with children and I also know that they can rely a lot on your help if you’re around rather than working independently.

I mean this kindly and supportively, but the problem here is that you are not in control of your own mental health, and not fully aware of how your upbringing is impacting on the way you manage situations and challenges. You need to manage this better before you can read up on better parenting etc, in my opinion, as someone who grew up in a toxic environment. Your behaviour blows hot and cold from love bombing and treats one minute to shouting and rejecting your child the next. This will be VERY stress inducing for your child and the damage this could be causing his brain development could be significant. High continual levels of stress are proven to impact on development of parts of the brain which manage and regulate emotions in children. Again, meant kindly but firmly - you need to 'get a grip' of your emotions. PP's are right that you are allowing his (normal child) behaviour to trigger you. You are the adult here and you need to educate yourself on the impact of your upbringing and learn to manage those moments when you are triggered. It won't always be perfect and apologising is also essential when you make a mistake to build trust. It isn't healthy that he is coming to you begging for your forgiveness like that. He is desperately seeking your validation because your behaviour has been so unpredictable for him, he is discombobulated and it's no surprise this extends to acting out at school.
I agree on the Phillipa Perry Book. Also look up Lisa A. Romano on YouTube and find a topic that chimes with you and your upbringing.
Finally, I know it's a tricky time but you really do require a course therapy if you are going to learn strategies for getting past this. There is plenty of online Skype therapy available. Please look into this.

That poor boy. I hope your neighbours report you.

He's 7. He doesn't do 90 minutes of maths. He doesn't do his schoolwork alone. He doesn't have to do it all. Give him a break.

We are doing a little bit of time tables and reading here and there and plenty of crafts. Even watching planet earth etc on tv is educational.

There are loads of educational kids programmes.

He must be so frightened of you. You go and hug him and tell him how wrong you were. You keep him close and love him and promise not to do it again. Then you keep that promise. Get some help, professional help.

Why is your husband ok with this? He needs to look after the baby for an hour while you help with homework. An hour is enough.

Poor boy

You can’t leave a 7 year old to do his school work on his own op. You need to sit with him and supervise. I’m doing that with my ten year old. You’re expecting way too much of him.

I would 3rd that recommendation for Phillippa Perry’s book made above.

If you download audible just now and are an amazon prime member you’ll get two free books in your first month. Get the PP book and something else to relax with. Listen via your mobile or Alexa at night and you’ll get a lot of insight into their, and your behaviour.

But the essence in this situation would be about not getting into a battle, acknowledging how he feels and guiding him toward making his own decision. Respecting him as an individual, not an extension of you to be bullied and manipulated into doing what you want.

Remember the most important thing is your connection and relationship. Don’t crap all over that to get some schoolwork done. We are our children’s parents not their school teachers.

Just realised I’m now the 4th to recommend the PP book...

"Furthermore, the school recommends that you leave children to do the work on their own. I used to work with children and I also know that they can rely a lot on your help if you’re around rather than working independently."

Bollocks. No they didn't.

You used to work with children

And all that homework you did as a child hasn't done you any favours has it? Leave him alone. I haven't got time to be kind to nasty bullies. He's not bullied at school he's bullied by his own mum

This was heartbreaking. You are abusing your ds. Even if you normally get along as you say the fact you expect a 7 yo to sit and do homework for 90 minutes is crazy. Your expectations are too high for a 12 yo. I think if you can call and work with a therapist on the phone you should ASAP. A Social worker would be extremely concerned. I think you also need to tell your DH what happened and that he needs to support your ds more.

zacromagnons

She gave him a snack not a smack. I read it as smack first time too.

I have another 1.5 year old who’s really really hard work too. I still didn’t recover from PND and I push myself to keep calm and not yell. But I do . I yell a lot.

This is why his behaviour has changed OP. It's hard for kids to accept a new sibling when they have been the only child. It's even harder for him when his mother is not coping.

7 year olds need help with home working, of course he won't do it while looked in a room!

I really think you need some outside intervention. This is only going to get worse.

You turn off the router remove all gadgets. Sit with him when doing work and lighten up a bit no teacher would expect all this to be done in one chunk.