Replace your pets name with "my drunk friend"....

[floatygoat]

And tell us what they're doing right now?

My drunk friend is in the garden shouting at the neighbours over the fence.

My drunk friend just sat in the middle of the stream in the park and cried at me until I threw sticks for them.

Then my drunk friend shouted at someome else's drunk friend in the middle of the street because they tried to come into our garden. I had to give my drunk friend a telling off.

My drunk friend is rubbing her head on my legs. She smells a bit so I have sent her to bed.

My drunk friend is eating a bowl of biscuits on the kitchen floor

I have 3 drunk friends eating sun flower seeds and toast while their other drunk friend is sitting on a ladder whistling the theme from the great escape.

My drunk friend is playing football with a biscuit.

My drunk friend dragged his bare arse across the floor while making creepy eye contact with me

I bought a new bed for my drunk friend and she got up and pissed on it the second I put it down

my drunk friend is laid out cosy on her bed (she's too old to climb on the sofa anymore), eyes half closed, slightly wolfish grin on her face, delighting herself with farts that are eau de bin dreg , because sharing is caring

my other drink friend is grabbing shredded toilet roll to make a soft bed-demanding to know why he only has 2 sheets worth, and saying he totally approves of social distancing , just leave my sunflower seeds and fresh broccoli in the dish thankyou, and make sure its pumpkin seeds and carrot tomorrow, oh and some apple, green bean and some brazil nut would be ok if we're on rations...and ...and..

My drunk friend has just vomited on my bathrobe (which was in a crumpled heap by the side of the bed) and she is now spark out on my pillow.

My drunk friend missed his aim and pooed next to the appropriate receptacle, and then took himself out and has not returned. I will lock the door he likes to use from the inside and go to bed. He doesn't seem to be taking lockdown seriously at all.

My drunk friend just ate raw mince and is now snoring in front of the table. She also got hysterical earlier because there was a horse on an advert

My drunk friend is trying to charm his way into my bed he may yet succeed

My drunk friend had sex with his sister today

My drunk friend jumped on my laptop earlier and deleted a draft email regarding a lockout agreement because he was not feeling loved enough, was confused as to why I was home (and not paying attention) and critically could not climb on my lap. He is now asleep on the back of the sofa ready to cause more destruction tomorrow.

My drunk friend is hugging, snoring & dribbling into a cardboard box

One of my drunk friends has eaten the head off a mouse while the other looks on in envy.

My drunk friend just had a poo in my garden and then refused to come back into the house because there was a hedgehog

My drunk friend ate a puppy pad and didn't want his tea

My other drunk friend really wanted his tea.

Both drunk friends asleep now in odd places.

In my head, these drunk friends are mostly naked men.

My drunk friend has extreme cabin fever and is currently locked up for continuously trying to pull my socks off.

My drunk friend woke me up by lying across my head this morning.

My drunk friend is licking salmon oil off his belly

(ferret)

@floatygoat thank you so much for starting this hilarious thread It's kept me amused during the last few difficult days.

I think @MNHQ should consider putting this in Classics, to cheer us all up.