A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

Whilst she waited for everyone to beg her to stay, she decided to bake a cake. But where were all the birds? She thought as she looked out the window.

Had they all gone South or had there been a shortage of chickens?

The birds were hiding in neighbouring gardens to avoid her singing and her cat who is as big as a fox.

As she got the ingredients out for her cake, there was a knock at the door. It was her neighbour, coming to complain that her cat had gone to the toilet in her garden. Susan told her cats roam - what more could she do? Her neighbour said..

...that she was considering contacting the police to get it logged, as she had been shaking with anger about it ever since she had observed Sue's cat behaving so irresponsibly.

She told Susan in no uncertain terms that she and her cat were a disgrace to such a naice village.
Then she stormed off and....

and slammed the door knocking the photo of Garda Oaf off the wall

Susan knew her neighbour would be raging ABSOLUTELY RAGING, but hey, these things happen eh?

Her thoughts returned to her earlier problem with…

Who the hell is Janet and Roy?

Janet and Roy are the authors of epic Xmas round robins

Susan wondered why her husband would be carrying a Christmas Round Robin in his pocket in March..

And whilst she pondered this conundrum, she went into the lounge, where her dad, her brother and her son (all called Richard) were lazing about the place with poor posture, eating junk food and making a big old mess.

She decided it was time to get her Dicks in a row, if only...

if only she did not know that they would return to random formation once her back was turned. She instead decided to focus her energy on

Trying to convince her boss that she should get paid leave now the schools were closing and she didn't have any back up childcare. The dc were 23 and 27, but Susan was a better parent than anybody else and didn't want to risk leaving them alone.

Susan's boss was a parent hating bitch that just wouldn't grant paid leave, so the only option was to

Spinkle cress seeds on all the carpets and set off the sprinklers

But as Susan groggily lifted her head the next day and surveyed her wet and germinating carpets it struck her that bowing to the mn wisdom of 'gin o'clock' prior to exacting revenge hadn't been the best idea. There was nothing else for it, she hiked up her big girl pants and

wished she hadn't done so. Why oh why had she had a vajazzle last Friday? Still, on the positive side,

In that moment she realised she wasnt a girl anymore. She was a woman. A woman with responsibilities , a woman who had wasted far too much of her life refreshing the page for boden and doing rediculous things like buying a pineapple 'for show'. This was a turning point in Susan's life, a real epiphany. At last she finally realised that all this 'keeping up with the Jones's' was senseless. She knew what she had to do next, she knew it was going to take guts

She booked herself into a private clinic to have a boob job, eye lift, lipsuction and bottom dermabrasion...

She would reinvent herself, change her name and move away. Not before she told MIL exactly what she thought of her though!

And there was the unfinished matter of PigletJohn too. ever since she glimpsed him on page 3 of the thread he had been lurking at the back of her mind...

'That's it' Susan proclaimed. Next week when mil comes round to babysit and get her childminding rota for the summer, I'm going to tell her straight that I've had it with her unsupportive attitude and from now on...

Susan pondered what her new name would be, with her new tits, face and arse it had to scream fabulous, she’d been through so much shit over the past few days. She’d nearly left her husband for another man... twice, one was even a convict.

This woman deserved a new name something fabulous.

As she turned over names such as Cindy and Mischa, she heard a loud band out in the backyard, it was....

Ahh cross post

which was a strange name but one that could not be ignored. After her surgery she floated out of the clinic on morphine into the waiting taxi. The driver turned round to look at her and said, "Miss Ah Cross Post, your left boob has collapsed",

Meghan... walking in bold as brass and demanding to know why Kate got all the good dresses