A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

She’s wearing her jigsaw dress again. Two pieces come loose, and fall off, revealing her nipples...

The donkey turns out to be a rude, entitled Yank pretending to be a donkey just to put one over on her.

I forgot about this!

With her nipples on showing, the knob head donkey, her MIL talking dirty on the phone in the spare room, Susan decides enough is enough, she will handle the calls from the angry parents about the donkey later, she will make her second meal from the chicken, (a casserole to feed 8). But when she opens the fridge, she discovers her ‘d’ husband has thrown the rest out...

And replaced all the food with...

Pom Bears
And artisan scotch eggs

... not to mention the naice ham...

..which was beyond it's use by date but she served it anyway, having thoughts only of Boris - and Carrie - because pregnant women are so delicious....

Do, she chucks some veggies in s pan, bungs it in the oven, makes a quick list if bread, prepares a HUGE salad and rustles up a perfect MN meal that is both high and low in fat, has plenty but not too much protein, just enough organic items to pass muster, only to find...

the DC simply wolf it down! Then the doorbell rang. No-one had written and then confirmed via text, WhatsApp and semaphore to say they were dropping round...

To deliver a tin container of 48 2-finger kit-kats and a vat of fruit yoghurt for dipping purposes. But one of the kids is “lack toast and tolerant” and gets serious snot and squits from over-indulgence...

Luckily Susan had 704 loo rolls, 38 boxes of baby wipes and 7003 bags of pasta to clear up the dc's squits. She hadn't been panic buying of course, she'd just done a big shop.

She just had to post for the mumsnet vote about which stockpile to break into, because Ocado didn't have any slots to replace them. Susan was sick of the mental load of making these decisions alone.

And her DICKHEAD husband had left a teaspoon and coffee dregs (or was it a coffeespoon and tea dregs) in the lovely clean kitchen sink and she thought, I’m going to serve papers, if I can buy any anywhere...

She could LTB for the neighbour Bob next door but there were soooo many red flags especially .....

The fact that he regularly waggles his willy at the window when she walks by. She once asked about it on AIBU, but got called a troll, so she’s never mentioned it again....

She must admit Bob and his willy waggling...

Really gives her feelings she doesn’t understand. Also the way he swings his red sarong about like he’s a bullfighter. She’s so confused right now. If only...

...she could give her head a wobble and forget the fanny gallops

Susan decides to ask mn about Bob again, and circumnavigate the troll accusations by including a reference to penis beaker in her op so everyone knows she's a long term poster.

Then suddenly the phone rings and it's her granny, known to all as Span Gran...

Willy waggling is obviously a diversion and she wonders if it is the same as 'willy waving' which she came across on Mumsnet recently, though that probably has more to do with putting rollers in or around, than 'waggling'.

Granny hadn't booked in the phone call 3 months in advance and Susan was justifiably irate at the inconsiderate intrusion so decided to go NC with Granny.

Whilst getting upset about granny phoning at such an inconsiderate time, and without prior warning, Susan gets up off the bed in a right huff and accidentally knocks her stbxh's penis beaker off the bedside table and spilled the contents all over the...

... scale replica of the Sistine Chapel that she keeps close to her at all times, for moments when she is overcome with emotion and needs to let out a scream. She was incandescent with rage at her stbxh's inconsideration at leaving his penis beaker on her bedside table, another example of his controlling and coercive behaviour. Trembling with fury, Susan picked up her...

New multilevel, pallet board bread bin

Which reminded her of the shit bread bin her sister bought for her when she got married. It wouldn't even close! But more to the point. The wedding.... it was her sister in laws wedding next week and she remembered that she had already given them a considerable amount of money in the form of a cheque. And now she'd taken stbxh's side and is letting him shack up in her stately home. And now she's wondering if it's too late to...

And took it outside to reserve her personal parking space on the public road.