A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

...having watched EastEnders in the late '80s, Susan put on her best mockney accent...

And asked if they could sort her out. However thing must have got lost in translation. Susan did not expect...

…open-armed friendship. She stepped back towards the frog and toad, and a jam jar horn blared loudly. She found herself in a bit of a two and eight. A rough looking fellow approached: “Yall right luv,” he said, “Gawd I fort youse nearly brown bread there!”

Her Alan Whickers felt a touch damp, but otherwise she thought she was ok.

“Lemme take ya down the rub-a-dub for a Vera Lynn darling” he smiled. Susan knew that a stiff one would be good right now, and also would give her the opportunity to…

Update her social media showing her gracefully sharing her precious time with "common" people. She hoisted her handbag up on her shoulder and ....

...clutched it firmly to her lest it be snatched by 'a hoody' on a moped - she had read about them - whilst simultaneously hoiking up her big girl pants and clutching her pearls. Gosh, she was going to live like common people, do whatever common people do, see what common people see. Susan was going to be Cool Mummy for once in her life. The twins would be impressed and she would be the envy of the PTA....

Assuming the school survived coronavirus and she got the twins back from STBX and his ghastly parents.

The first step was obviously for her to ...

…get a couple of gins down her to aid her thinking.

After a while, the rough looking fellow looked less rough which was nice.

Letting her hair down, and two or three selfies with him later, she realised that maybe her whole life had been a sham, and that she could turn things around now and start again with the assistance of a cisgender YouTube influencer called Hedvika.

Her vlogs concerning modern Russian weaponry and fast food had made a huge impression on her, and she was sure that…

making youtube videos cannot be that hard. Susan was sure once she posted her own businesses would be falling over themselves to

...send her freebies like handbags and tea cup puppies. She just needed to sort out her eyebrows, which were rather thin from past overplucking. Susan got out her compact and began practising her pout in the mirror, modelling it perfectly on a recent trip to the local fishmonger.

She was annoyed to be distracted by yet another phone call from her dc, in who, she had now lost interest as they were too old to be cute accessories for the new career.

“What is it now, Cordelia? Can’t you just ...

…get used to the new normal and try to get along with daddy even though he’s…

a complete knob, and is going to lose his job once I tell ...

...the rozzers about the donkey and the cucumber. He really should've restrained himself but once he gets snorting the blow he...

gets far to like his father. Speaking of which,

I tell them he is planning a hostile takeover of