A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

...It had been made by someone new to crafting and unfortunately said 'Bred' in wonky fuzzy felt letters. The price had gone up too, by 5000%. She contemplated that the crafter might be new to crafting, but possibly not new to CFery….

While contemplating she noticed that an old korean lady had put a chair on her porch, made herself comfy and started knitting.

She felt so crap she even contemplated eating that shit teddy bear cake that a friend of a friend made for £70 but should have cost only £50, but those teddy bears gave her nightmares and flashbacks of the donkey stampede.

So she took to MN to ask the masses one very important question. AIBU to...

...cut myself a large piece of the said cake, dunk it in my gin, eat it and not pay my 'friend' for it?...

That does sound a bit unethical but then so are many things in life, such as escaping from London to Norfolk to breathe the clean air and shake off the Coronavirus germs...

Obviously MN told her to eat the cake but cancel the cheque. Many people told her to cancel the cheque. And then cancel the check some more.
So she ate the cake. Drank the gin and ended up drunk on a school night.

...From the delicious depths of her ginny drunkenness, she sent an email to school...

And told them to Fuck The Fuck Off To The Far Side Of Fuck When They Got There To Fuck Off Some More

Later she went to put DH's work trousers into the washing machine (he was out at his hobby) and out of the pocket fell a ...

... letter from Janet and Roy with a summary of their activities for the last year right up to last week with some thinly disguised references to suspicious sexual practices ... who the fuck are Janet and Roy she thought, was her Husband part of a mail based mènage ?

phone that she had never seen before.
This was a huge moral dilemma for Sue, should she check it or not? She knew MN would have the answer, so she started a post in Relationships.....

And asked if she should take the saucy letter and the mobile phone on the aforementioned holiday to Norfolk? Well the vipers agreed she should. But on arrival she caught Cromervirus which is...

an illness which leaves someone incapacitated for days, but thankfully not contagious.

Who will care for the children now? She doesn't trust DH, has fallen out with her MIL and SIL and the school mums have vowed never to speak to her again.

...Thankfully her dear own mother stepped up to the plate, although she was a CF for putting the princely sum of £25 a day on her services. Susan noted the request for money but chose to ignore her. Susan was exhausted from her COVID-induced panic and childcare issues, and thus decided a nice trip to the Colchester Wetherspoons was in order...

Having perused the menu she decided to just have a starter with her gin and gin, the entrees were not delighting her senses and she had a boot full of pretend pork product she’d procured from the supermarket that morning. Yes she’d have a ploughman’s lunch starring the Faken-ham when she returned to Mothers later she decided. She surveyed the room and was absolutely astounded by the vision of ...

an enormous dressed Crab, it was a symptom of the Cromervirus, and she knew she would succumb to the urgent desire to eat crab, brown bread & mayonnaise, only then would she be able to enter the recovery phase and get her life back on track.
She was starting to feel a little better when....

PigletJohn striding toward her, brandishing his tool bag. "Oooh," she thought, "he always sounds so capable and efficient. I always wondered what he looked like. Every woman should have her very own PigletJohn." Susan felt her knees wobble and hastily gulped down the entire contents of her glass.

Change the white Boden dress she was going to wear. She had once read that you shouldn’t wear white to a wedding and outshine the bride.she had bought special red knickers too that wouldn’t show.
She did wonder though if she had RSVP’d to the wedding invite, that featured a cute poem asking for money. Allegedly it was going to be a field somewhere which also was going to feature .....

Argh apologies phone only updated to page 2!!!

In the grips of the over reacting hysterical virus, having only a continuous cough and a temperature of 40.8 Susan is unsure what to do next, thus consulting DS’s birdie friend badge which tells her...

Something in Welsh, she wonders if MN can help with a translation

The message said she was BU for wanting to check the phone.

She trusted the viper's advice but this time she was torn.

In her delerious state she managed to hack the phone and found.......

A birth announcement for a child called Ballonz ...

Who turned out to be the second messy, sent to save...

Five pounds off a thirty pound spend at Waitrose decisions decisions ... perhaps just some essentials - www.buzzfeed.com/floperry/sesame-and-poppy-seed-thins