A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

and some more hand sanitiser? You could never have too much hand sanitiser or gin, she mused as she clicked merrily across the site. Suddenly she sat bolt upright. She'd never put that in her online shopping cart, surely!

She shook her head to clear it and checked the cart. Her eyes weren't gone, she could still see what she'd thought she'd seen...

A toilet brush and a 6 pack of fruit shoot.

Susan thought she must've been hacked. But there they were, bold as brass.

Aibu to click buy? She decided to ask the wisdom of MN...

But when mn responded with 79 posts boasting their dc only drank water until their 18th bdays, Susan did a big drip feed about how triggering she found discussions about water, and then flounced after informing everyone her dc were allergic to all other liquids.

She then walked into her lounge room and noticed her dh's phone. She had never snooped before but this time she did.

She discovered an affair! Immediately she got on the phone to her Shit Hot Lawyer. By the end of the day she had tracked her husbands car, confronted him, confronted his OW, changed the locks, thrown his stuff out the front and set it on fire and found a new job. She bought a new Boden dress...

....well she thought it was new but when it arrived it looked like it had been previously worn. 'What CF does that?' she cried. This had ruined her day once more. She decided on writing a complaint to their customer service department....perhaps a witty line or two and they'd not only send her a refund but also least 2 dresses for free, surely? She began to compose her ditty...

Dear 'Darling' Boden, I received my dress today,
But when I opened my parcel, I gasped in dismay!
For what I saw upon that dress scarred my very soul,
My conclusion after many hours, this was a stain from a sausage roll!!
I have consulted the wise Mumsnetters, and this was the reply;
"Stand your ground, know your rights and if all fails let out a mighty sigh"
To compensate me fully, and it is surely what I am owed,
I will accept, by way of apology, multiple dresses a la mode.
I trust this is sufficient, and in response you will not fail,
But please be warned any reply could end up in the Daily Mail!!

...She hoped at least that it had been a Waitrose Organic Duchy of Cornwall sausage roll, rolled upon the very thighs of Charles himself and not a chavvy Greggs one. She looked in to her mirror. It was important at traumatic times like this to practise her sad face, ready for the Fail photographer. With the state of her Boden, she would just have to resort to her Joules...

mini dress while contemplating bleaching her bum hole.

And asking her husband to come back so he could take her up the Oxo Tower, properly this time.

But hoping none of the neighbours are not there to see

are there

....any more sausage rolls or have they all been scoffed by hordes of tattooed bricky carnivores with builders bums on show ..... then she woke up

Because every teenager in the country was partying noisily in celebration of the latest news. But Susan knew what to do, she logged it, sent them all anonymous notes, and composed a list of passive aggressive comments to make next time she saw them.

...none of the riotous teenagers were allowed home afterwards for fear of cross contamination, the lucky ones were given a bucket, a flagon of water and keys to the garage or the shed where the parents had forgotten they stored bottles of booze given to them at Christmas....

At 4am Susan posted to ask 'aibu to object to an underage alcohol fuelled rave in my neighbours shed right now'. Unfortunately Susan was too exhausted to include a diagram, so 98% voted she was bu, so she moved to plan b...

And went into the wardrobe in the spare room where she suddenly noticed a locked safe. She quickly asked MN if she should open it ...

..to which some said, "Yes" and some said, "No" because it would be unethical but definitely LTB....

As soon as she'd got her ducks in a row

She considered lining her ducks up, until she realised the only ducks she had at hand belonged to her children and she couldn't be bothered to take them out of the bath toy hamper. Turning back to the safe, she turned her mind to where her husband might hide the key. She opened his socked drawer, pushed aside the items within, and there the key was. "What a stupid man", Susan thought. She put the key into the safe...

and discovered 23 multipacks of toilet roll and a kilo of penne

The only other item in the safe was a poster of a girl tennis player scratching her bare bum. She was deep in thought when suddenly, through the door burst...

....an escaped convict from Belmarsh who told you he didn't do it and announced his undying love whilst making himself a toilet roll sandwich....

... Susan looked at the escaped convict with interest. Though he was clearly scary, she felt drawn to him, an aching desire for him. She somehow didn't care about his multiple murder convictions, and believed him innocent. Susan wistfully thought that this could be that limerence everyone on Mumsnet had been banging on about. She had just opened up a new thread when she realised that he had already professed his love, which means that actually it's just an emotional affair at best. Boring.

Susan ignored the sandwich-wielding Belmarshian, and started watching the tennis player scratching her revealed derriere. "Hmm", Susan thought...

She then had a lightbulb moment and remembered those terrible gym skirts she had to wear to PE. She knew her mum never threw anything out so they would still be in her loft somewhere.

Could a gymskirt and bare bum be the way to lure the convict into her grasp?

...She immediately posted a new thread about this, but after several trusting replies telling her in great detail all about their own experiences of being forced to do PE in their knickers, up popped a Nightwatcher and zapped her thread 'until MNHQ can have a look at it'. She was fumming at the injustice and immediately posted another thread to let everyone know that she was flouncing off...