A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

…but no underwear at all. It was clearly a breach of her rights, experiencing wind chill during the winter months. She knew that Jeremy found it alluring, but that was not the point. Susan was confused as to what was going on with the fish slice and the…

Bobble plate.

Hoiking up her left breast, Susan wondered if she could store some tissue paper under it for emergencies. Checking on her most recent Mumsnet thread about her mother in law she saw that people were

Miss cross post hoiked up her left tit and gave the driver a look that her mother in law was all too familiar with. At once the driver turned and fixed his eyes on the road, silence filled the car as she contemplated ..

Murdering her Mother in Law and burying her in the garden

Being careful so as not to cross ndn boundary line...

In case they would write to their MP and complain and Susan would be ...

...outed on a reverse thread on MN, and named and shamed as A Land Grabber, the owner of a cat who is Not Toilet Trained and is Out Of Control, and as a NDN who has dandelions in her lawn, selfishly spreading them throughout the whole neighbourhood. She would feature in a diagram and everything, even showing the bump in her patio where her MIL could be. Oh the shame...

......however she sat in the lotus position in front of a lighted candle, took deep breaths, exhaled slowly and said, "Om", a few times. It took her mind of her neighbours and all her shame until she noticed one of her eye bags had returned....

From Waitrose, but without the toilet roll it had been sent for. Ffs said Susan, it's time to get the big guns out. She went to get her carbon neutral, environmentally friendly, hand woven from recycled lentils reusable shopping bag from the cupboard cloakroom but when she opened the door

...Boris Johnson was standng on the doorstep. He said he'd had a puncture but from the look in his eyes....

he was just there to cook some buns

Susan knew it wasn't a puncture she was looking at, it was a prick. Knowing the risks should Boris circle the naice middleclass area as he slowly deflated, Susan decided to do the nation a favour by

By pushing him into the cellar and bolting the door

which was a great idea because the bulb had gone. So had the stairs.

But that was ok, because the minister for stairs promised that everyone would get to the floor they deserved by September, and he would make a vague statement the next day about how he intended to provide alternative ascents.

Susan took the opportunity to start a craze for the next must have item, and nipped off to buy every light bulb within a 10 mile rad

radius but on the way

…she decided to stop at the drive-through Burger King and get herself a Whopper. While queueing she reminisced about her early days when she couldn’t cope with a Whopper, but as time passed she had many partners who… HONK HONK – the rude bugger in the car behind wanted her to move up to the window and order.

She got her order and parked up across the way near to the Kwik Fit where she first met Jeremy, but of course that was all in the past now. Having eaten, she reclined her seat and lit up a cheroot. Puffing smoke rings gently upwards, she thought back to the days when life had been much simpler - when men were men, women were women and politicians were...

The following day she got a parking ticket from the time she sat in the Kwik fit car park. She wasn't sure if she should pay it or ignore, so asked Mumsnet

..The responses, as ever, varied, so she was left to decide whether she should Just Suck It Up, Call Them Out On SM, Shame Them in The Fail with Sad Faced and barefoot photos of her starving family should she be forced to pay the fine, or just be Bloody Grateful that she has got a car in the first place and remember to stop hogging Kwik Fit parking spaces in future in case a Hero NHS Worker needs it...

Fuming at her own inability to make a mundane decision independently, Susan angrily decided to start a second thread, fuming about the dc of a third hand acquaintance attending school next week. Susan had casually nodded at the family as they passed in the distance often enough to know the parents weren't key workers, the dc weren't vulnerable and they didn't have Ehcps. And if that didn't work to get her the congratulations she deserved for being a superior member of the human race, she would

Break into her stash of toilet paper (the one ply that she accidentally adopted while using the local wholefood cafe bathroom) and leave on the neighbours doormat.

...at her neighbours front gate she saw Jacob Rees Mogg quietly by the front door. An almost furtive look upon his face.
"Well!" She to thought. "Mrs NDN has always had a bit of a reputation and who am I to..."

defy the laws of nature. I will have to wave my magic loo brush and stop the puddles from flowing uphill in to her garden.

...and when I say garden I mean lady-garden. That topiary is out of control, if only I could find my...

... penis beaker I could get Tomnextdoor to come and sort me out.