A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

...Simon's spare chest wig, toupee, kerching gnashers, hair dye, fake bake and surgical truss. Susan reflected smugly on the eternal usefulness and storage capacity of her sensible Big Mummy pants...

When her phone rang.

It was Cordelia, her daughter -her darling daughter, Susan quickly corrected herself.

“Mummy, it’s awful here, Granny keeps force feeding us Easter eggs and Grandad ...

Says he’ll join Tony and Juan in their strip club project, and it’s all just so.....

Terribly embarrassing, even worse than when you and Daddy

ripped all the locals in that pyramid scheme you were running. Now when we go out people....

Actually laugh and point at us from two metres away, and it’s humiliating. And did you know DAddy has a new girlfriend up here. It”S his old

Outing hobby buddy, the one that we knew as James. And mummy did you know daddy's hobby is called dogging?

"Now now darling calm down a think your imagination is getting the better of you" said Susan. "Daddy has taken up dog walking his new business name is Doggy Days".

That gave Susan an idea whilst she was with Tony still at Cowell Manor perhaps she could pitch the business to Simon.

Tony had other thoughts running through his head...still annoyed at Simon for rejecting him...he had a plan. Just then Sqiddley and Diddley raced towards their car and

...Tony decided to dognap them and extract an enormous ransom from Simon for their return. Susan was an animal lover, but also an opportunist. She decided to let Tony snatch the dogs. Everyone knew that Simon was besotted with them. This would enable her to ingratiate herself with the open shirted one by saving the day, rescuing and returning his beloved mutts. She would no doubt receive fame and fortune in return, let alone a Golden Buzzer and assured win for her gifted and talented twins on Simon's next television series. Susan was a little snooty about television talent shows, but needs must. This would solve her financial worries, which were greater than anyone else's. With a frisson of excitement, Susan realised that she could also get two fast-paced 'live action' threads on mumsnet out of the missing pups and the talent show, and perhaps even some sad-faced photos in the Fail. Again, she was very sniffy about the Fail and never read it herself, as she always made clear when she posted links to it on MN, but if anyone could look both sad and classy in the Fail, surely she could...

Susan began her missing dogs thread, however as she typed her op, her inner mumsnetter came to the fore, and she found herself posting about her sensitive and dog phobic dc being traumatised because two pit bull types had ran at the them snarling and tried to attack them, and all the typically selfish dog owner cared about was the fact they had been stolen.

As she received the usual hysterical agreement that all dogs were dangerous and out of control, she pondered the likelihood of blackmail being a successful route to fame for the gifted twins. Picking up her phone

She snapped a few pics of Tony and the kidnapped, and sent them off to

Channel 5, suggesting 'unemployed man with expensive designer dogs stood near nice car in the grounds of expensive house' could be the star turn for their next accurate and realistic portrayal of benefit claimants.

Susan knew they wouldn't be able to pass up such an opportunity, not that she watched them, but one did require some background knowledge to reasonably accuse everyone on benefits of being scroungers and raking it in.

Now all she needed was for Simon to recognise his dogs on tv. As she congratulated herself on such a simple and foolproof alternative to sending him the note in the first place,

She was alarmed by the sound of a police siren.

She hurriedly sped off, abandoning Tony and the dogs to their fate.

Some miles down the road she noticed ...

She wasn't getting very far, and should have taken the car, rather than trying to speed away on foot. Gasping for breath, she considered for a millisecond that perhaps she was a little out of practice, before dismissing it, and deciding the most logical explanation must be covid symptoms. Remembering her online first aid training, she immediately updated Facebook to show she was on her way to ITU. Collapsing dramatically

…to the pavement she could smell burning rubber and realised that one of her expensive Nike trainers had actually caught fire during her high speed cornering back at the roundabout.

She began to despair (what with all that had happened recently) and she could only just bring herself to…

Post on mumsnet asking for advice, with a somewhat censored version of the last few days.

She was able to ...

Be uphauled, discusted and incandescent all in the same op, and Susan was deeply disappointed that the replies not only failed to acknowledge her literary prowess, but questioned the likelihood of the tale.

Just as Susan was starting the 'nearly everyone is a mean bully' follow up thread, she noticed

A thread she suspected of being her MIL talking about her,

She immediately ...

Posted to say the op was a narcissist that served carbs with every meal, and just for good measure suggested that the op probably had senile dementia because she was over 55. Susan knew this was a popular mn theory, and should any of mils claims be investigated by the authorities, or worse still the school pta, she felt it would help cast doubt. Unfortunately she had bigger problems when she realised dp had posted in relationships and

Had included some identifying details, and some rather embarrassing ones (even for someone as hard to embarrass as Susan). He had even Revealed ...

..that Susan had served Ready Meals to the twins several times during the marriage. Susan's face burned with embarrassment. She had been so sure she had hidden the packaging successfully at the bottom of her very expensive bin, later putting the bag of shame into her neighbour's wheelie bin at the dead of night. How could her DH have known this?! He must have been secretly filming her with the Teddycam Susan had used to spy on the nanny! Susan bristled with indignation. How dare he breach her privacy, and just what else had he seen?! Susan would have furrowed her brow, but she had overdone the Botox somewhat...

And even several weeks into lockdown could barely move her mouth let alone anything else.

Time for a name change, she thought,

@theposterformerlyknownassusan signed up with her new name, confident that when she posted the same things, in the same style, on the same threads, with the same posters nobody would guess her identity.

As she pounced on the latest teacher thread, and shared that anecdote again about the occasion Cordelia's shit excuse for a teacher wouldn't even apologise about the new shoes getting scuffed at break, it occurred to Susan

...that this was the perfect opportunity to start the sort of thread about her 'D'H in Relationships she had only heard about in MN legend, a Reverse. Susan rubbed her hands together in glee and gave a tinkly little laugh...

Which was cut short when the replies came pouring in. Oh, she was certainly the op of a very full thread, and nobody had outed it as a reverse, but 99% of the replies still sided with dh and calling her every name under the sun. The other 1% were evenly split between posters on the wrong thread and mlm recruiters.
Susan knew they were all just jealous because she was doing middle class better than them. She debated flouncing, but still had her trump card