A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

...decided it was time to be socially distant, very socially distant in fact. She revved the engine, heading off on an around the coastline and National Parks road trip. The locals would all be overjoyed to see her...

.... because she brought lots and lots and lots of wine.

Pausing to collect her now fully charged phone and the suitcase from the back of the wrecked Range Rover, she turned on the radio in the stolen, that is to say borrowed, car, and was astonished to hear the news ...

..that the locals, extremely worried about Boris' latest shambles guidelines, were manning roadblocks, preventing day trippers and second home owners from entering. Susan felt reassured, because she knew they did not mean PLU - People Like Us - which obviously would include herself. She could understand them wanting to keep out the Riff Raff who had not invested in the area, like she had. Susan drove on confidently...

swerving to narrowly avoid three cyclists and seven walkers, not all of whom were socially distancing, and ignoring the angry shouts and obscene gestures. She stooped for petrol and to buy ...

...some essentials more wine and some pain relief for her bad posture. She was missing her yoga and was looking forward to her sunrise and sunset sessions on the front lawn of her second home while the locals looked on admiringly!...

and it would be much more peaceful with the twins safely secured at MIL's. She cackled smugly as she imagined the PILs and DH trying to cope with Tarquin ...

..and Crispin. Especially with Crispin's projectile vomiting..

Nonetheless she straps them into the 4X4:and sets off for Sunningdale, throwing them both a packet of pom bears and throwing caution to the wind.

When Susan realised her catastrophic mistake. The 4x4 she'd borrowed wasn't the naice Chelsea tractor she assumed all were. It was a real one. Just a moment too late it dawned on her the strange parking sensor noise that had an uncanny likeness to the sound of a tow bar smashing a wall, wasn't actually a parking sensor.

'Why on earth would someone put a tow bar and a manual gearbox in a nice school run vehicle? And dog hair in the back too!'

As Susan pondered how she would manoeuvre this strange vehicle, so primitive it didn't even have auto park, she decided posting 'aibu to be a shit driver' would be a good first step. Of course she'd ignore all the advice and yabu posts, and focus on the posters like her, crap drivers and proud, and their supportive anecdotes normalising incompetency. Unfortunately just as Susan posted, the owner of the wall

struggled up from under its shattered remains. He was, well, not very happy with Susan.

She pulled a mask over her face helpfully left behind by the farming mumsnetter to whom the tractor belonged, partly to protect herself from the splutters, and partly to hide her identity. Then she leapt from the tractor and made a run for it, only to be ...

.....Rugby tackled by Tarquin and Crispin who had learnt some good moves at their top London 'indie'.......
'Mummeeeeee' shouted Tarquin.....'Crispin et my crisps...

Susan was shocked to see both Tarquin, who she had thought safely stashed at his grandparents, and his friend Crispin.

Horror piled on horror as Cordelia, Susan's STBXH, and his parents all piled out of a minibus they had commandeered.

Susan knew there was only one thing for it:

She was going to have to put a post in AIBU....

to tell her stbexh that he had gained so many wrinkles that he looked like a baboon's arse. However before she could post her mil...

announced that they were all there for an Intervention. Susan needed to address her drinking and narcissism.

Susan was of course outraged. She ...

Flounced.

In true MN style, Susan first announced that she was about to flounce. She was somewhat surprised when not single one person begged her to stay or said she would be missed. She flounced anyway, tripping over the goat as she did so, and...

told them all just how unworthy they were of her magnificence.

She remined them of ...

(reminded not remined)

The time mil had phoned without a prior appointment, and the occasion she'd had a mild cold and dp wouldn't come home from work to watch the dc. Whenever Susan had posted about incidents like these, amongst the bitchy suggestions to get a grip, some posters always mentioned red flags and narcissism alongside ltb. Which was pretty much the same as dp and mil having a clinical diagnosis. As Susan was informing them of mumsnets professional medical analysis of their behaviour, the mumsnet army descended, having heard the call to arms of 'intervention' and instinctively assuming it referred to a bra. Susan

sidled away leaving the army to tackle her family members while she borrowed the keys to the PIL's people carrier and drove off.

She was annoyed to find the goat was in the back, eating ...

The 28hh bra a helpful member of the mumsnet army had thrown after Susan, knowing that as soon as Susan embraced the feeling of no circulation and unsupported large underarm and back boobs, she'd feel far more comfortable in the 28hh that all posters were judged to be following an intervention. The bigger problem was the person that was also in the back with the goat,

…fondling its rear end lovingly.

The glasses, the dirty anorak and manic grin. It could only be the real PM, Dominic Cummings. Crikey, what to do now, Susan thought?

I could do us all a favour by…

...socially distancing him off the edge of a cliff. Susan put her foot down and sped towards the coast with renewed purpose...