A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

...She knew she would be accused of the ultimate MN faux pas, the Drip Feed. In fact, posters on her thread would be fumming, but Susan had developed the glazed expression of the piled upon and was rendered completely incapable of stepping away from the internet. She would make those keyboard warriors sorry and eat their words, oh yes indeedy. Susan started to type, cackling gently to herself.....

As she revealed All about dh’s dodgy business dealings with ...

Flour stockpiles. Some of the most violent death threats were deleted, as were those actively planning a lynch mob to track him down. But Susan consoled herself with the knowledge there was no return from the ultimate crime. Preening from the unmumsnetty hugs, she

Dropped a few accidental-on-purpose hints About dh’s whereabouts in Northumberland in the hope that ...

At least a tiny minority would figure out it was the Northumberland, not the Avenue, and a smaller still number would be able to leave the south east without spontaneously combusting. For good measure she mentioned mil was up there too, having bbqs and talking to the neighbours in a socially distant manner.

The mumsnet army, in their Boden uniforms loaded up the chicken that would feed them all for the entire campaign, and brandishing their

...loo brushes as weaponry - not all of which had been cleaned in the dishwasher - they set off in a gleaming motorcade of Chelsea Tractors, all fresh from a rub down with Zoflora and vinegar...

However, what Susan was yet to learn that the mn army was actually planning

TO liberate the goat, last seen running down the road, and ...

…getting giddy which would explain the old saying…

don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Poor Susan was blissfully unaware of the impending storm ahead as she

changed out of her partially singed Nikes into

A Colonel's full dress uniform, originally purchased at an antique auction so Susan could casually mention at dinner parties that it had been Daddy's. However after a few rather awkward questions from people that had some knowledge of the army, she had abandoned the idea, but now realised it would compliment her natural leadership qualities. Priming her dettol spray and pulling her loo brush from the scabbard, Susan

Checked her phone for the route details, only to find the charge was almost zero.

She was annoyed enough to ...

To use the generic phone charger that the builders left behind, normally she would not dream of using a non apple phone charger but needs must.

While the phone was charging she decided to

Have a nice long bath and change her clothes, that Jigsaw dress was getting a bit manky now.

She went upstairs and opened the door to her walk in wardrobe, and ...

Found a lion. 'Bingo' shouted C.S Lewis, 'I knew there was something missing' Of course Susan didn't actually read, but back when the twins started school she'd had to rapidly google children's literature titles in order to post about the fact they had read them independently before starting reception. Susan met the implied insult head on and

Hit the lion over the head with the laundry basket.

Rapidly exiting the wardrobe, she rang the RSPCA to come and take it away and surprisingly had trouble getting them to believe her.

“No i’m Not drunk this time” she said crossly when reminded of the incident in 2019 ...

...when she had phoned them to report that the Gruffalo was asleep in her She Shed...

After which she had been blacklisted, and the family not allowed to adopt a ...

...another goat. Word had also spread around the caring professions and Susan's attempts to adopt a rainbow family and become a leading humanitarian just like Angelina and Madonna had been dashed.

Completely unfair, of course, and Susan still held a grudge (she was a bit of a champion grudgeholder and had chortled about various acts of revenge on mumsnet over the years.) In this case, she had ...

rang Harrods to tell them she had a historical stock line she wished to exchange for a reusable shopping bag. That would show them all at the school gates and she would finally get the admiration she deserved. Lost in the fantasy of her very own Harrods bag, she failed to notice

the door slowly opening.

In came ...

The goat, with the mumsnet army in hot pursuit. With horror Susan took in the loo brushes and

swiftly pointed them upstairs and towards the cupboard from which sprang the lion (now very put out not to mention starving hungry).

Susan listened to the screams with satisfaction, and ran in the opposite direction. Jumping into a car someone had foolishly left the keys in, she ...