A Mumsnet story....add a part

[StephanieSpeilberg]

I’m bored home alone and have tidied enough to impress my mother. Please entertain me.

Opening:

Our main character Susan, who has twins and is wearing a jigsaw dress, pulls into her local supermarket for a naice ham and a chicken to last 10 meals.

As she pulls into the car park, she notices a man in a van parking in a child and parent bay with no child to be seen. Susan contemplates whether she would be unreasonable to roll her window down and tell him straight, but instead she parks in a different space whilst muttering profanities under her breath. She knows her friends would call her a pushover, but she hasn’t the confidence of Alice, who would have jumped him with an umbrella and called him a cockwomble.

Now add your part....

lighthearted

until she realised with horror that she was almost out of petrol. Why had selfish PILs not bothered to fill up, she asked herself indignantly, and then posed on mumsnet.

She was going to have to park on the hard shoulder and walk to the nearest services with a watering can MIL had left in the back seat. She set off, muttering crossly, ...

...until she realised that she was on an Unsmart Motorway and that was no hard shoulder. That dealt with Dominic and sadly the goat and the tractor, but Susan, thanks to supervising the twins for many years at their gymnastics sessions - to Olympic standards - performed an impressive backflip over the crash barrier. She landed elegantly, smoothing down her MN haircut and her Boden dress. But what to do now? She was stranded...

and possibly, by now, wanted by the police. She had a look through her contacts, and

Decided it would be a good idea to 'reach out' to her ex best friend, years after going nc. Susan was positive that after all this time, no doubt spent sad and lonely, she'd be more than ready to apologise for her selfish refusal to hold her hen party at a venue suitable for the dtwins. The phone was picked up on the third ring and

Susan asked the apparently very small child who answered to get mummy for her. "It's very important", she added urgently.

The child seemed half witted, Susan thought, not realising that this was ex-friend's way of putting off cold callers.

Especially because she was a very busy woman, a single mother, partner in a law firm and she'd just bought a very nice house from a man divorcing his wife. Such a coincidence his twin dc had the same names and age as her ex friend's dc. Her thoughts were rudely interrupted by an oddly familiar voice still determinedly demanding she pass the phone to Mummy

right now!

Susan was exasperated. What was wrong with this child!

She tried offering various inducements, which made her friend fall on the floor trying not to laugh. She tried threats.

Eventually, she said, "Look, can you tell Mummy it's her BFF Susan who was almost her MoH, and I really need help!"

At this, her friend, whose name, incidentally, was

Ava, a name Susan had spent years laughing at because it was so horribly old fashioned, followed by years of seething resentment at her friends luck in having such a popular name.

Ava's attempts not to laugh failed, and she burst into hysterical laughter. To think, that horrible woman she'd always tried to include as an act of kindness genuinely thought she was in the running for MoH. Still, Ava needed a little light relief so

she changed voices and said "Hello! How are you? Still married to ...

Dick? "

"Sort of", Susan replied. Not bothering to ask Ava about her life, because obviously nothing of interest would have happened to her, she embarked on a complicated and somewhat fictionalised version of her own since that awkward row between them, and ended up with a brief account of her current predicament and asked for help, "as you are my very oldest friend".

Ava was ...

In the middle of setting up a bespoke cake making service and was totally distracted by the fact that the oven was full.of a large order of Eccles cakes that had come in from the local British legion and only her toddler was watching them.

So although she would normally have sent Susan about her business, in a moment of weakness she agreed to pick her up.

Three hours later she drew up beside Susan, who was by now ….

Furiously posting insults and links to dubious research because another mumsnetter had potty trained with a different method to the one Susan had used. Confident that her way was the only way, and anything different was shit parenting, Susan was just putting the final touches to her reply with a thesaurus when Ava pulled up in a very new, and very expensive looking sports car, causing Susan

To turn green with envy. She tried to come up with a comment to ..

...hide her mounting resentment and appear magnanimous, whilst at the same time putting Ava firmly in her place and establishing her own superior place in the friendship pecking order. MN had taught Susan plenty and so she knew that passive aggression was the only reasonable way forward here. She carefully rearranged her facial expression from sucking a lemon and said...

"Oh, I see you settled for ...

"Marrying one of your parents rich old friends" Susan was confident the money must come not only from a man, but an old unattractive one. After all Ava had always been a clothes size bigger than she, so couldn't possibly have attracted anyone else with that sort of wealth. Just as she was about to follow up with the cleverest put down of all time, 'did you mean to be so rude?' she remembered her purpose and

...gave a tinkly little laugh...

"Good for you", she saved herself, "I wish I'd done that instead of stupid Dick."

This had the virtue of being actually true. She then launched into her saga of recent events.

Ava was torn between laughter and ...

Clenching her pelvic floor which got the better of her and a tiny bit of ...

of a smile crept across her face. Susan took this as a sign that

Ava was on her side, and asked if she could borrow ...

...a tenner for the Euromillions, because she intended to be super generous towards...