Husband has died

[AssignedFuckerAtBirth]

Hi everyone I dont really know what I am posting for or what I want to hear but I need some impartial help and support.
My husband of 16 years died 3 weeks ago, it was a sudden and unexpected and as yet unexplained death.
I have 4 children ranging in age from 8 to 16 and I just dont know what to do. They are all coping with it differently and I feel as though I am being pulled in so many different directions. As well as this I am trying to process my own feelings. I feel numb and shocked still and trying to help everyone at once. I feel as though I have had to put my own feelings aside for the kids but I miss him so much that it hurts me physically to think of it so I block it out.
Thank you to anyone who reads and listens xx

I’m so very sorry to hear about your DH 🌷💕. Life really is so bloody unfair at times.

I hope they can give you a ‘cause’ soon, the ‘not knowing’ would really stress me.

That moment when you ‘remember’ after being asleep is dreadful.

Things do get less ‘raw’ and you learn to live alongside your grief. I know it’s nothing like having his physical presence, but your DH will always be there, sit quietly and you’ll feel his love, look at your kids and you’ll see him in them (biological kids or not, you’ll see mannerisms etc)

It’s perfectly ok & understandable that you don’t always want other people around you & it’s ok to be a bit short/‘rude’, snappy - people understand. But take up any offers of help that you can and ASK for any help you want - most people want to help, but have no idea what you’d like them to do as everyone copes differently.

Look after yourself 🌷💕

Oh Sally what a sad but lovely post that was.
The thing I find especially hard to cope with is the change in my children. They were always so happy go lucky and playful and all that seems to have gone. I really hope this is a temporary thing and they will get back to how they used to be. At the moment the whole house feels as though it has a dark cloud hanging over it.
They are so used to either me or my husband fixing their problems but this time there is nothing I can do to make it any better. This is unfixable

This is the first time I've seen your story. I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry for your loss. Please keep using here as an outlet for as long as you need. You have additional support here.

My aunt lost her dh when he was 42. Her dds were little. They're adults now and very happy. They were happy and well adjusted teens.

It's very early days for you all.

Is there a support group for families who have gone through this?

OP I am so so sorry to hear this news.

I have no advice - I have RTFT and see that there is plenty to start with. I just wanted to let you know that there are people thinking of you, albeit from afar.

Do whatever it takes to get you through the days.

I think regarding your children ...they willbe sad and confused..why their daddy why not someone elses? all natural by the way andin with that will be total fear ...an natural fear regarding what if something
happened to you too? Their minds will no more be able to proccess things anymore than yours can..All of you have had the rug pulledout from under you and whilst as adults we can rationalie our hurt and pain as an enevitable part of grief its often too much for the children to process...they will struggle to find the words to equate how they feel ..they will try not to upset you with their worries or go the complete opposite out of justifiable anger. Its all part and parcel of the situation and its all ok ...they will be fine just like us but again not yet ..they will come to terms in their own way and in their own times. Its one of those times when we feel most helpless cos we cannot take away their pain.Talk about daddy often it will help and when you have no words cuddles will do whilst they process the hurt inside of them ....I again wish you all well

Oh my lovely I am so so sorry for you and you little ones. I lost my husband nine months ago and I’m sure that right now you are surviving on adrenaline and shock. For me the reality of what has happened has really only just started to sink in. My children are a bit older than yours and both dealing with it differently but for us talking about him and remembering makes us feel that a little of him lives on in us. Like your DH he was the life, soul and fun of the family and has left a gaping hole but has also left us with so many funny, happy memories. I am so pleased you have supportive family around you but totally get that loneliness of not having that one person that makes everything matter. Take all help that is offered, anything that makes life easier. If you haven’t already speak to your GP about extra support, I have found both counselling and antidepressants enormously helpful. Try not to think too far ahead, just do what you need to do to get you and your children through each day. Xxx

Thank you again to everyone taking the time to post.
Now that the initial shock has worn off and the crowds of people are gone it has really hit me like a ton of bricks. We had plans for the future and now that future just looks so dark and unbearable.
My daughters birthday is this week so I am going to try to make that as happy an occasion as possible. The youngest doesn't seem to really get it....he is only 8 but very funny and loves joking around like his dad so I am hoping that he will help fill the void a little and help us all start to laugh and smile again.

I dont know if this is normal behaviour but if I am out shopping for instance I nearly want to shout at everyone "my husband is dead do you not care!!"
I dont do it obviously, as I would look like deranged but the feeling of everyone else getting on with their lives makes me feel so angry.

Of course you're angry, it's natural, you've been robbed of someone you thought you'd have forever. He's still around though, your children are part of both of you so they will have some of his characteristics, his looks , his facial expressions , his abilities and more.

I went with my cousin to the blood bank about 3/4 weeks after her daughter had died suddenly. After it cousin was shaky and upset, she said when the nurse was chit chatting about holidays and mundane stuff my cousin wanted to grab her and scream in her face “do you not know what happened to me”. I remember it so clearly because up til then it was all sadness and the anger she felt of other people having mundane conversations really shocked my lovely cousin. She talked herself round by thinking she really had no idea what was going on in the nurses life, something horrendous could have happened to her the month before or could be about to happen in a months time.

What I’m saying is there is no normal reaction to anything, anger sadness, numbness and even not caring are all normal.

Supermarket sounds totally normal behaviour.

Sending love ❤

I’m so sorry. Your life has hit a brick wall while everyone else’s has carried on.
It’s so unfair
I can well understand your rage
I’d feel exactly the same
Already had one scare with my dh
You’ve got your lovely family to love and comfort you and you them

Oh sally your story brought tears to my eyes. I was a cruse counsellor and as part of my training we were taught that that happens a lot.
Elizabeth kubler Ross wrote some lovely books. She used to work with children who had terminal illnesses.
Cruse are very good. They will help you work through your grief feelings when the time is right

Heartbreaking at how he passed away.
He sounded a truly lovely man.
Thank goodness it didn’t happen overseas but at least near the woman he loved and shared his life with.

You’re doing the right thing pouring all your feelings out.
I remember as part of my cruse training a youngish woman giving us a talk . I won’t forget her words.

When I waved my husband goodby in the morning I never expected I’d be a widow by the evening. What got her through was journaling.
Every day
All her thoughts and feelings
Then she could read back later and see how far she’d come

Hope that helps

How lovely that your children got you lots of treats for Valentines Day. You and your husband have obviously raised them with love and modelled that loving dynamic to them. You sound like a wonderful, caring family.

I'm also here OP. Silently cheering you on from the sidelines, as we all are, as everyone who knows and loves you are.

With regard to your last post, you don't know if it's normal, I would like to say that at this point anything and everything is normal.
Everyone deals with grief in different ways, there is no normal. Everything you do and feel is ok. Please don't give yourself a hard time about that. You're allowed to feel anything...or nothing.
Same goes for the kids, anger, defiance, sadness,etc.
You do emerge from this fog, little by little. For me looking back, I don't know how I ever got through it, but you do. X

Yes, wanting to scream at other people for going about their daily lives with no thought to your pain is absolutely normal.
I suspect this is why people wore mourning clothes in days gone by - to at least advertise to others that there was a reason they weren't smiling or chatty. Probably a shame that tradition has gone.

That will pass as well but it will also come back on odd days with amazing intensity. Also normal.

Thumbwitch..what a brilliant observation
I think you are spot on there

Hi all, still here and still reading and listening to all the advice. Funnily enough Thumbwitch I find myself choosing mostly black clothes, it isn't on purpose so maybe a sub conscious thing.
The corona virus chaos has sort of distracted us as a family, forcing us to think about other things. It was seven weeks yesterday and I still dont feel like I have got my head around the enormity of it. I keep thinking what would he say/do in this situation.