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Original poster

Husband has died

171 replies

AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 00:01

Hi everyone I dont really know what I am posting for or what I want to hear but I need some impartial help and support.
My husband of 16 years died 3 weeks ago, it was a sudden and unexpected and as yet unexplained death.
I have 4 children ranging in age from 8 to 16 and I just dont know what to do. They are all coping with it differently and I feel as though I am being pulled in so many different directions. As well as this I am trying to process my own feelings. I feel numb and shocked still and trying to help everyone at once. I feel as though I have had to put my own feelings aside for the kids but I miss him so much that it hurts me physically to think of it so I block it out.
Thank you to anyone who reads and listens xx

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 22/02/2020 00:33

So sorry for your loss @AssignedFuckerAtBirth

Life can be so shit sometimes.

Talk care of yourself.

RoxanneMonke · 22/02/2020 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillieEilish · 22/02/2020 00:34

I can imagine Assigned. It must be so horrible sorting all the logistics out when you are so desperate yourself and for your DC's

Your DD is just grieving and lashes out at you as we do that with the ones we feel most secure with/love most.

You can only do your best and it sounds like you are doing a great job to me.

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 00:34

Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to read and reply. I do take comfort from the fact that at the time we were in a really good place. All marriages have their ups and downs but we were definitely on a high and in a good loving place.

OP posts:
moondance19 · 22/02/2020 00:34

So so sorry, bless you and all your family. Flowers

dogmama · 22/02/2020 00:35

oh this is brutal, I'm so sorry OP, I can't imagine what you are going through, though I'm so glad you are talking on here. I really don't have any advice but just wanted to send you my love. I do think though that if you can bare to talk with someone that's been through similar circumstances, of course it won't make it any better, but they'll be able to understand and relate to how you are feeling, which in itself can be the start of - I don't know, allowing yourself to feel, accept - whatever it is that you need to / are able to do. x

PixieDustt · 22/02/2020 00:36

She doesn't hate you OP she's just hurting and that's the way she lets it out.
I am so sorry for your loss, you speak of your husband so fondly. He sounds like a lovely gentleman.
Thanks for you and your children in this hard time x

TheTwilightZone · 22/02/2020 00:38

I'm so sorry op. Please come and join WAY (widowed and young) when you are ready. You will get invaluable support there, both for you and the kiddies.

MrsAgassi · 22/02/2020 00:39

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Flowers

Todayisontheup · 22/02/2020 00:40

I am soo sorry for your loss @AssignedFuckerAtBirth.

Did you late husband have any death in service benefits through his work? Sorry if someone else has asked this.

Take each day as you can.
x

theThreeofWeevils · 22/02/2020 00:40

That's terrible, OP. I'm sorry for your and your children's loss. Flowers
Trite, I know, but for the time being, don't try to look further ahead than the next day - sometimes just the next hour.

Another poster has already mentioned WAY. Support from people with similar experience who are strangers can sometimes be more use than the love of those closer who have not been there themselves. Sorry, 'more use' is a clumsy way of putting it - no disrespect to your family and friends intended.
Eat. Even if you don't feel like it. And go to bed sometimes, even if you know you won't sleep.

cakeandchampagne · 22/02/2020 00:40

I am so sorry about your husband.
Flowers

MuchTooTired · 22/02/2020 00:44

I’m a similar age to you, and I don’t have life insurance either (although dh does). Apologies if you know about this, but there’s a bereavement support payment which might be helpful to you

www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment/what-youll-get

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 00:45

I dont think I feel anything at the moment. I am like a robot and every day is like groundhog day. I will ask MNHQ to move this to the Bereavement section thank you for the suggestion.
I literally cant listen to music or watch tv or even go to the local shopping centre as they were all things we did together and it is so painful so I avoid it.
Family/friends/neighbours all mean well but I feel like screaming to leave me alone because they all have their partners and husbands to go home to and mine is gone forever.

OP posts:
Jeaniealogy · 22/02/2020 00:45

I am so, so sorry to hear about your tragic loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now... I've just lost my dad but he was 87 and had a good innings, it was expected and it was a relief as he suffered greatly in his last months. I cry every day for him.
Your husband had his whole life to live for, a wonderful family... life is so bloody cruel and unfair sometimes. Time will heal eventually, but just take each hour as it comes. Thinking of you xx

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 00:49

I have never heard of WAY so thank you I will definitely look into it.
I hate going to sleep because when I wake up there is this terrible few seconds where you forget then you remember and it hits you like a punch to the stomach

OP posts:
Unsureconfused46 · 22/02/2020 00:51

So sorry for the very sad loss of your husband, my heart goes out to you and your children and the rest of your family. Xx

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 00:52

We went to bed the night before as normal, said goodnight then the next morning I found him cold and unresponsive.....nothing will ever get that image out of my head.

OP posts:
Thinkingabout1t · 22/02/2020 00:53

This is heart-breaking, OP. I hope you will take all the help available to you, and that there is plenty of help. Nothing will replace your dear husband, but I hope you will have some comfort with your children and the many people who loved him and love you. All my sympathy and best wishes. Xx

2018SoFarSoGreat · 22/02/2020 00:54

@AssignedFuckerAtBirth I can hear such love in your words about your lovely DH, and such raw, open pain in all of your posts.

I have not lost a partner - that is almost unbearable to even think of.
But many lovely posters on here have, and have such strength and wisdom to share. I have lost a best friend and both parents.

I so wish there was a magic cure for grief, truly. It is all consuming and everything else is so irrelevant. For many weeks after my DM died, I just wanted the world to go away. To scream at everyone. It kept playing in my head that how could they not see that I am bereaved? I had no patience with anyone. I don't honestly know how you do it with little ones to keep on keeping on for, but you will. You already are. You sound like lovely parents, and you will continue that.

Sending you loving thoughts from a stranger, a strong shoulder to lean on, and a hug, if you'd like one.

notapizzaeater · 22/02/2020 00:55

That's so heartbreaking, but take comfort in that he didn't suffer. X

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 00:56

I dont know what came over me earlier but I just got a massive surge of anger and told everyone to go, I wanted to be on my own with the kids. I was so rude to people that are trying to help me and now I'm lying here and cant sleep. I wonder will life ever be the same again or is that us now the family with no husband or daddy.

OP posts:
BillieEilish · 22/02/2020 00:58

I can imagine OP

Have you been to your GP maybe to get sleeping tablets to see you temporarily through? Can you sleep?

I went through a terrible time once and to my amazement my GP prescribed a mild dose of diazepam. Just 5 tablets for 5 days only, just knowing they were there helped me through. I was panicking on an hourly basis. I did take 2 though, they changed nothing about the situation, obviously, but just calmed me down.

Just a very temporary help.

Do remember to eat and drink lots of water.

I am so sorry.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 22/02/2020 01:00

These are people that love you. They will totally understand. You can stand in the middle of the street and swear at the top of your voice, and people will understand. Nobody expects 'normal' from you right now. Just one foot in front of the other.

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 01:01

My daughter had just passed her transfer test too and applied to the local grammar and he was so fucking proud of her. he couldn't wait to see her in her uniform he was high on life and now he wont ever get to see her.
My youngest also keeps sending him messages to his phone saying how much she loves and misses him. Honestly my heart is truly broken for them and for me

OP posts: