Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Husband has died

171 replies

AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 00:01

Hi everyone I dont really know what I am posting for or what I want to hear but I need some impartial help and support.
My husband of 16 years died 3 weeks ago, it was a sudden and unexpected and as yet unexplained death.
I have 4 children ranging in age from 8 to 16 and I just dont know what to do. They are all coping with it differently and I feel as though I am being pulled in so many different directions. As well as this I am trying to process my own feelings. I feel numb and shocked still and trying to help everyone at once. I feel as though I have had to put my own feelings aside for the kids but I miss him so much that it hurts me physically to think of it so I block it out.
Thank you to anyone who reads and listens xx

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2020 01:49

I am so sorry. Thanks

Please make time for yourself, I know it is hard but please block out some time when you can be alone and either see a grief counsellor or just do something soothing for you. This could be coffee with a friend, a visit to a garden, planting a tree in his memory and visit it, etc etc. Something just for you. You mattered to him and you matter still.

Thanks
Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 01:49

The sheer amount of people who came to pay their respects was astonishing.....from all walks of life and every one of them had their own private and heart warming memories of him which they told me. Some were funny and some were just lovely things that he had done over the years to help others which he never told me about he just did it as that was his nature and personality

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 22/02/2020 02:04

I'm so sorry, Assigned.
Your husband sounds like he was a lovely man.

It's so hard isn't it? Very early days for you yet, though (& for me, 7 months, still in a fog); grief takes its own time so don't be hard on yourself.

Wine
PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 07:38

💐💐💐

Southmouth · 22/02/2020 07:51

This is truly heartbreaking. I’m so so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a truly loved man by all. Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/02/2020 08:46

SO very sorry to read your post, AssignedFucker - I see that both WAY and Winston's Wish have already been suggested as being helpful, but will second both.

A friend of mine lost her husband young, from an epileptic fit while he was out in his van - she found WAY very useful indeed.

WInston's Wish has specific support for bereaved children so may be useful for some resources www.winstonswish.org/supporting-you/supporting-a-bereaved-child/

The anger you felt is not at all surprising - you are in shock but moments of reality are starting to seep through the shell of shock around you and it's making you feel - which will translate in all sorts of ways at the moment.
Your anger that all those people were there but none of them was the one person you needed more than anyone is entirely understandable and I hope that most of them WILL have understood this.

Suggestions for you -
• take all offers of help. You might not need much now but as time goes on you may need more, and they might dry up before you stop needing help
• be prepared for people to drift away after the initial period, usually after the funeral. This is entirely normal but it still hurts when it happens.
• access any and all help that you can for the children, from school and anywhere else that offers.
• be kind to yourself too - yes, you need to be strong for your children but you also need to allow yourself time and space to grieve when the shock wears off.

((((hugs)))) for you all - it's a rough road you have to travel now but we're here all around the clock if you need a handhold or a rant. xx

NoToast · 22/02/2020 09:03

Grief is so hard, every breath hurting.

Perhaps you could give defined practical tasks to the people who want to help, can they bring meals for the freezer, do a shop, take one of the children shoe shopping. Anything that helps you.

The only way past this is to go through it, I am so very sorry.

Lostpuzzlepiece · 22/02/2020 09:13

I am so sorry.

I too lost my partner suddenly and unexpectedly almost two years ago. I have a fair idea of how you must be feeling.

There's nothing anyone can say or do that will help in the slightest. You're probably still in deep, deep shock and will remain that way for a long while. Right now it's all about breathing, as much you don't want to right now. Cry when you need to, please don't hold it in. I did and it made me ill.

I echo getting in touch the charity Widowed and Young. They are lifesavers.

Sending you all my love xx

dottiedodah · 22/02/2020 09:24

I am so sorry .this is a terrible blow for a young family .There is a support group called WAY which offers support to young widows .My own DF passed away when I was 8 .I think there may be some kind of financial help from the govt as well .At the moment you probably feel numb and blindsided .Cruse offer bereavement help also .

MadisonAvenue · 22/02/2020 09:28

I’m so sorry, sending you lots of love Flowers

Chimchar · 22/02/2020 09:39

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband. He sounds like he was a really lovely man. X

TeacupDrama · 22/02/2020 09:43

On a practical note a financial institution can't have a blanket policy of not accepting the interim death certificate, if they need further information they should be told to write to coroner but this should only be incased where the cause of death would affect payout is it can't be used for instance by Barclays Bank to stop the closure of a savings account you can apply for probate if sufficient assets to make this necessary. We had this problem with my aunt as she died in hospital but not from what she was there for, in the end my dad's solicitor had to write and tell one organisation they were legally obliged to accept the interim death certificate as the cause of death was irrelevant to closing account or paying out, unfortunately some institution use delaying tactics in the face of bereavement knowing most people don't have energy etcto fight it

Straycatstrut · 22/02/2020 09:55

I'm so so sorry. This must be one of the hardest things to have to deal with in life.

Do NOT put your own feelings aside. That's the worst thing you can do. I did this in my own tragic situation and I had a breakdown in front of my boys. Take advantage of any help of childcare offered and do whatever you feel like doing - crying, looking at photos, messing about on mumsnet. Researching stuff, planning stuff. Long baths. When I'm feeling my lowest I like to just sit under a running shower I find that really relaxing. The noise, the water.

I wish I could help more. Sending lots of strength Flowers xx

Flyingsouthwiththeswallows · 22/02/2020 10:06

I am so sad to read your post Flowers

I lost my DH almost 14 years ago in an accident. So not the same, especially as my DD had already left home. However, I remember my shock and my feelings in those very early days. I also remember all the practical & financial issues I had to work through.

The most important piece of advice I was given was to ‘be very kind to myself’. It gave me permission to go a little crazy, cry, vent, eat what I liked, ignore people, ask people for help, whatever. All without feeling any guilt.

From the place where I am now, I can tell you that you will work through all of this, will smile again and create more happiness in your life, but I know that 14 years ago I would have pushed away anyone who told me that.

Be very kind to yourself and please don’t hesitate to PM me if you ever feel it would help to talk to someone who has been through a similar loss.

Upherefordancing · 22/02/2020 10:18

My heart goes out to you OP, I'm so so sorry.

Flyingsouth has some lovely wise words...

Vicosaur · 22/02/2020 10:25

I'm so incredibly sorry for what you're going through. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of pain and numbness that you're feeling. All of my thoughts are with you xFlowers

Depressedbywork · 22/02/2020 10:29
Flowers
Pipandmum · 22/02/2020 10:30

I lost my husband suddenly when my kids were 4 and 6. You get through it one day at a time. I did have to sell our house almost straight away as we had a huge mortgage that I couldn't pay for (life insurance didn't cover it plus his ex wife and two grown up kids got a share, and we had some other debts). Downsizing to a house half the size and to a cheaper area meant I did have enough money to keep us going and I used it wisely, so I didn't have to worry on that front after the immediate difficulty of having all the accounts frozen. His work actually lent me some money to pay for the funeral while it was being sorted out.
I lost half my 'friends' and my identity. I was a SAHM at the time. I eventually moved some distance away to start over.
Now ten years later the kids aRe thriving and I'm pretty happy. Yes I miss him every day. Yes I've had to adjust my whole life view. And who knows how my children would have been if they'd had their father though their childhood. But they are wonderful, adjusted kids. I have not had another romantic relationship- I'd love to but it hasn't happened and it's not a priority.
You are stronger than you think. Accept all offers of help (I hate that 'let me know if I can do anything' - people should be specific as in 'I'll take the kids for the day' or 'give me a list and I'll get the shopping done'. So you have to say 'thanks if you could have my youngest two for the afternoon so I can get on with X'. Don't be shy about it!)
Your children need understanding and support. They need reassurance that you are not also going to die suddenly. My daughter didn't like me out of her sight and has told me since that every time she went to school or I went out she would worry that she'd never see me again. My son, 6 at the time, just moved into my bed for four months even though we'd never even shared a room before (even as a baby). You have to let them experience their grief.
It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But you survive it because you have to. Do not deny your own loss for the sake if the kids, but being as stable as possible is important now. You cry, you despair, you even resent your husband for 'leaving' you. But do it privately (though having the kids see you cry and express your own sadness is a good thing, just don't fall apart in front of them, I think I did completely lose it once or twice when I was totally stressed out and I terrified them). All the best to you.

Therarestone · 22/02/2020 10:34
Flowers

I'm so sorry Flowers

Poppet1974 · 22/02/2020 10:52

I’m so so sorry this has happened to you and your family.
Take it day by day, hour by hour if necessary.....
Take some time for yourself too.. you’ll need that...

ChinUpChestOut · 22/02/2020 10:53

My DH died unexpectedly overseas at 31, and we were also one of those couples who did everything together, laughed together and were at the beginning of a fabulous life. We had plans and dreams and then suddenly, it was all gone. He died of a heart attack 5 years to the day that we met.

In the immediate afterwards, I used to look in the mirror and wonder who that person was. I didn't recognise her. And I felt as though I had lost a limb. I had definitely lost my dreams.

You've had a lot of useful advice already, so I'm not sure how much more I can add. But I will say that of the people offering to help and not being specific ("let me know if there's anything I can do" etc which used to drive me nuts), tell them what to do. Just tell them. It's going to help you (have the kids for a day etc), and it'll help them as well, particularly if they were close to your DH and they are grieving too.

It's too soon yet to go to grief counselling. You're still in shock. In the beginning, I used to wear mascara when I had something important to do and didn't want to descend into a crying spell (seeing the bank, or the solicitor). I would tell myself "I can't cry just yet, or my mascara will run". Silly, I know, but it worked. Little steps, each day, to get through it.

One other thing - if your DH died overseas (assuming he was British) have you reported the death to the British Embassy there? They will register the death and you will (I think I'm right on this) have a British death certificate. If not British, then maybe the Embassy from his country of nationality?

Give it a couple of months, and then find a grief counsellor. I did - she saved my life. She helped me come to terms with it, and deal with my grief properly. This time is awful, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. xxx

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 21:44

Thank you everyone....just checking in to say that's another day done. Heading to bed with the kids. I will read through everything tomorrow properly when my head isn't a mess.
On a plus note the wee cat has settled in really well and feels like she has always been here, its strange. But then I think that he will never get to know we have a new pet and that sets me off again Sad

OP posts:
MinesaPinot · 22/02/2020 22:08

I have no advice but just want to say how sorry I am for your loss Flowers

Chillichutney1 · 22/02/2020 22:52

OP so sorry for your loss Flowers

MegaClutterSlut · 22/02/2020 22:54

I'm so sorry op Flowers

We lost fil suddenly 2 years ago unexpectedly and unexpected deaths are the worse imo. My mil was angry for a good year at everyone, even fil where as sil none stopped broke down all the time. No one took it personally, they knew mil was hurting just like your dd.

My only advice is to accept help where possible and to only take things minute by minute. Also don't forget to take care of you Flowers hope u all get a good night's rest as can be. Thinking of you and your family x