Husband has died

[AssignedFuckerAtBirth]

Hi everyone I dont really know what I am posting for or what I want to hear but I need some impartial help and support.
My husband of 16 years died 3 weeks ago, it was a sudden and unexpected and as yet unexplained death.
I have 4 children ranging in age from 8 to 16 and I just dont know what to do. They are all coping with it differently and I feel as though I am being pulled in so many different directions. As well as this I am trying to process my own feelings. I feel numb and shocked still and trying to help everyone at once. I feel as though I have had to put my own feelings aside for the kids but I miss him so much that it hurts me physically to think of it so I block it out.
Thank you to anyone who reads and listens xx

I understand that you might not believe this - but I'm going to say it anyway.

He's still with you , he can still see and hear everything which is happening. He knows the cat .... nothing has changed apart from he's on a different plane/energy level and you can no longer see him.

But you can speak to him and if you quiet your mind and listen with the love you and he have , you will hear his answer.

I speak with my mum all the time. She passed a few years ago. I don't hear what she says in words, but in feelings/emotions. She's REALLY good at finding things that I've lost ... it's extraordinary

I read this (below) at Mums funeral - and I believe it is so true

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all-by-henry-scott-hollandd_

I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief is brutal. Thoughts with you

AssignedFucker - your children will never entirely forget him. He will always be there and no doubt you have photos, videos etc. of him. Bring them out when asked, however painful - share memories about him, tell them stories about him before they were born and afterwards, help him to live in their memories.

Everyone who has been through similar will tell you the same - the first year is the worst because it is most of the "firsts" - first birthday, first Easter, first holiday etc. etc. Once that first year is past, things don't get "easier" you just become better able to deal with them. Time doesn't heal either - it just helps you to adjust to your new "normal". And you wouldn't want to "heal" - because that would be like an erasure of your pain. It will stay, but you'll manage it better.

You will also find that you're going along, coping, and then a day or few will throw you in the ferocity of your feelings again. This is utterly normal. The "Five stages of grief" are not steps - they're a constant dance, and you can move forwards and backwards through them, jumping from one to the other, all the time. All normal.

Don't let anyone else tell you "how to grieve" - we all do it differently. And remember as well that you and your children are currently at the centre of the grief circle - everyone around you should be doing positive things for you, and letting their negative feelings spread out away from you - if anyone around you is trying to get you to support them in their grief, then you don't need them around. Distance yourself gently from such people - they can find their own support elsewhere.

However much you might feel laid low by this, you ARE strong and you will continue to be so, because you can do it. Love and strength to you - keep coming back here if it helps, or see if you can find a grief counsellor if you need to, same for the children if they need to.

((((hugs))))

It sounds like you are coping really well under the circumstances. Yur daughter is probably angry at life for what has happened, not with you in particular. My husbands older brother died at 44 (this was 20 years ago) with an 8 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. Of course it was very difficult and it took a while to get their lives back on track, but both children recovered and have gone on to have successfull happy lives and their mother is fine and happy too. As others have said, take it day by day, it's going to take time. Get as much support as you can, a councillor may help when you are ready. Big hug.

I am so sorry for you @AssignedFuckerAtBirth and your children. I was touched that you felt so supported by strangers words. That brought tears to my eyes as did your further tests. My dh recently had a sudden illness and I am forever grateful he was treated and survived but so very sad and sorry for you you have had this shocking and devastating loss.

Your children will always know and remember how much their daddy loved them and he always will as they will him.

Don't give being rude, in your mind, to the people you asked to leave. Right now all that matters is getting your children and you through this desperately sad time .

Thank you everyone and my sincere condolences to those who have posted with their own experiences of losing someone close.
I haven't slept at all again because I am afraid to. When I wake up there is a few seconds of disorientation and confusion and then you remember. I actually woke up a few days ago after falling asleep on the sofa and called his name to see where the kids were. It was just an instinctive thing as the house was so quiet.
then I remembered that my mum had taken the kids out and I was at home alone

@AssignedFuckerAtBirth it’s hard, isn’t it? My husband passed away just under 2 years ago, and it still hits me like a ton of bricks, everyday, but it does get less hard. The main thing is to keep talking about him - I have to admit, I didn’t want to at first, as it made it seem ‘too real’, but we’re at a point now where the kids will bring up something he would have said, and we can all genuinely laugh about it with joy.

You say you don't know what to say to a counsellor; they are trained and experienced, they know this. Go to your GP and get yourself referred. It takes time but good when you get the help, so start the process as soon as you can.

I was one of 4 children, aged 8 when my dad suddenly died whilst I was at school. I want to reassure you OP that your DD will never forget him, it was 62 years ago that this happened to me and I remember him perfectly.

Make your children feel safe, that's the best advice I can give you, love them and reassure them. I can remember that time in great detail, I remember being very scared, in fact terrified about what would happen to us.

So sad for you OP, your loss is huge.

It’s 6 years on since my husband went to work and just never came home. He collapsed and died without warning. My life was shattered and my 3 children were devastated. It isn’t easy but you will get there. We talk of him daily and life is full of his presence. I still expect him to walkthrough the door. You have difficult days and nights ahead - but from one who has been there - you will get through it. Sending love x

Forgive me for placemarking but I need to find something in a book that might at some point give you a way of thinking that might bring comfort. Will be back later

Nothing to add except you have my sincere condolences.

You are still in shock and will be for a while yet OP. Ask for all the help you and your children need from everyone, dont be ashamed or too proud, people will happily help. Please use the GOV.UK website to find out what financial help is available and what benefits you will be entitled too.
Just get through each hour and dont worry about the next days or weeks. Look after yourself in which ever way you need to.There is no right or wrong way to deal with this, do what is best for you and your children

There are no other words I can sdd to give you comfort.

This is truly horrendous especially as you found dh next to you. You are probably still in shock? If he'd been old it may have been in the back of your mind that it could happen? If he'd had depression you may have worried about suicide? But you had no preparation whatsoever. He appeared fit. I hope you get an answer soon.

Keep posting. We really do care ❤

Add*

On a very practical note, if you were married, you are eligible for a bereavement payment, hopefully you know this already:

www.gov.uk/bereavement-allowance

I can relate to everything you are saying. All I can say is that one day it just felt a bit easier, like it wasn't impossible to breathe. Then more days like that have followed.

Just to also let you know- this intense feeling of loss and grief and longing for the other person is normal. Children's charities here (like Balloons) don't start considering counselling for young people til at least 10 weeks or more after the death, because they think this is a normal process you don't really want to have to interrupt. It might help to find a counsellor or join an organization like WAY but equally it may not, or it may be too soon for you. You will find your own way through this- and those support services are there for later on when the initial shock and adrenaline after the funeral has died down.

((((Hugs to you))))

.

There are no words to describe how sorry I am for your loss. I have a relationship with my DH that is very similar to the one you describe and just thinking about being without him makes me lose my breath.

I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you find a way to be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve.

Someone once said to me that people really die only when they are forgotten, and I firmly believe that that will not be the case with your DH. Such a loving, caring man and dad cannot and will not be forgotten by those who had the privilege of having him in their life.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Organisations such as Cruse (and there are others) are very helpful for people in your situation as you need a shoulder to cry on. Your library should be able to point you in the right direction. You are not alone. Your loss is still raw and this will lessen over time.

So, so sorry for your loss. I hope you’re getting some hugs from your loved ones and feel you can cry and lose it when you need to. It must be hard with all the craziness going on in the outside world and all the talk of isolating yourself and panic buying etc... hope you’re managing and getting help with the practicalities of life while you and your kids are in the midst of this maelstrom. Don’t hold back from leaning on people or taking up offers of help. My heart goes out to you and I wish you peace and strength as you go into your future

Sorry for your trouble. You will get through this. Your daughter is showing her grief, that's good. She needs time, you all do, be kind to yourself..
Winstons wish may give support, they do great work with bereaved children and their families.
Hold tight and keep going is enough for now

Hello OP..I totally get how you are feeling,as I sadly lost my first husband too.My son was 15 at the time and although my husband had been ill for many years and we knew this day would come we were still not ready when it happened.The shock and sadness are almost too painful to bear.My husband was the lie glue that held everything together,he was so happy,so full of fun,so annoying with his ever ending energy and zest for life! It is of a comfort now that I know he truly did live his life..he packed in so much in his time on earth way more than I would. I have no words of comfort for you except to know you will be ok..not now not yet but you will be eventually and all you have to do is just take baby steps,tiny steps one foot in front of the other and keep going,It is so hard when you are engulfed in grief almost in a daze and not knowing which way is up anymore but life has a funny old way of making sure we get through.I think too you need to be selfish for a while,I say this because its really important in finding your place again and adjusting to your new life.So please dont ever make any apologies for wanting to hide away.to reflect to recharge you.You have children who depend on you and you need to rest and heal too.I also have to say you will find yourself feeling guilty at times cos I did.I felt terrible when I laughed at something or something made me smile its totally irrational how our moods swing but its all ok and all good to do these things as we heal. This could posibbly be outing but I want to share it with you in the hope it might help you a bit..The day my husband died ,bearing in mind he had been terminally ill for 6 years. was the day we had a huge fight..typical now that day of all days!! (i can smile now about it because with time I understood why)Anyway..this one particular day unfolded like anyother,my husband was in bed and I had taken him up some tablets and breakfast as I always did.I had not left his side in the 6 years since his diagnosis ever ..he was awake and this particular day he looked amazing..seriously amazing.He looked so well and his blue eyes were shining and twinking and I was genuinely astounded as to how well he looked.He was chatty and lighthearted,never had he looked so alive,he didnt look poorly or anything.I got our son off to school as usual and I was pottering downstairs when came a bang on the ceiling.I ran upstairs and he was stood up and I said I vividly remember "oh I thought you had fallen"No I am fine but I need you to do something for me he said,Ok what?I asked.He then proceeded to instruct me to go to the bank and get some money out,to fill the car with petrol and to get some cigarrettes! Ineeded non of these things at all but he was adamant I should go.I refused numrous times as we simply didnt need anything,,he got very angry with me after about an hour so for peace I decided to just go for a drive round the block just to shut him up and for him to think I had gone!!So insistant he was it made sence to me to gethim less agitated and just go ...I kissed him goodbye and said ok I am off how muchmoney do you want me to get from the bank? He said 100.00 so I left,he was so happy I was going out and quickly was calm again, I was gone 10 mins ...just 10 mins,doing something I had no need whatso ever to do but it seemed vital to him for some reason...When I got back I opened the door and I so remember the whole house felt different when I walked back in. A feeling I know not what it was to this day but it felt I still dot know it just felt odd. I shouted to him Hiya I am back with no reply. I remember a fear gripping me sheer terror at no response from him upstairs but I was frozen at the bottom I couldnt go up.I shouted him still no response.My front door was open and funnily enough our neighbour was just getting into her car,,,I ran to her and said I need to go upstairs but I cant can you please come with me? How bizzare does all this sound...but in she came and I made her go first up the stairs into our bedroom..there he was and he had passed away.She found him first for me and then I knew ...I just knew what the fighting was all about the argument about me having to go out ...he knew he was going to die I just know he did and he was trying to protect me and have me out of the way...it made sense to me then. ..then I was exactly how you are now...I was you ...I still am some days ....I dont know if any of my ramblings will make sense to you but I can tell you I am here,just as you are and still standing,,just as you will do I promise you. There will be light in the darkest of days and you will go on living,existing,making a life for you all because we have no choice ..days turn into weeks,months,years and we heal you will too not yet but you will...I wish you and your family peace in the coming days and my advice for what its worth is,, no expectations do as you like and just be,,,be together be angry be sad be strong...you can do this.All my love sent and I am sorry for the long post just thought you might gain something from my ramblings that may help ...

I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. Keep writing here if it helps. So many people who can help even just a bit. Keep on keeping on.