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Original poster

Husband has died

171 replies

AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 00:01

Hi everyone I dont really know what I am posting for or what I want to hear but I need some impartial help and support.
My husband of 16 years died 3 weeks ago, it was a sudden and unexpected and as yet unexplained death.
I have 4 children ranging in age from 8 to 16 and I just dont know what to do. They are all coping with it differently and I feel as though I am being pulled in so many different directions. As well as this I am trying to process my own feelings. I feel numb and shocked still and trying to help everyone at once. I feel as though I have had to put my own feelings aside for the kids but I miss him so much that it hurts me physically to think of it so I block it out.
Thank you to anyone who reads and listens xx

OP posts:
BillieEilish · 22/02/2020 01:03

I agree, nobody will think you have been rude, your reaction is totally normal. They love you.

You are being much stronger than you think.

Yorkshirelass04 · 22/02/2020 01:03

Like other have said, I can't relate but I am so so sorry.

I have every faith though that you have strength to deal with this.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/02/2020 01:05

I am so sorry OP Flowers

BillieEilish · 22/02/2020 01:06

That's so great about your daughter passing her test Flowers

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 01:06

I dont feel strong but I am trying simply because I have no other option. I went and got the kids a cat today as someone told me that animals can be a comfort to young children suffering grief. It is a beautiful and loveable wee thing so I hope it brings us some sort of happiness.

OP posts:
BillieEilish · 22/02/2020 01:07

You are being strong.

You are. Clearly.

MadameMeursault · 22/02/2020 01:10

So sorry for your loss @AssignedFuckerAtBirth. There are no words at times like this. Please make sure you get some help yourself. Our local hospice has a bereavement listening service, for everyone not just those bereaved at the hospice. Maybe something like that could help you. Flowers for you and your family

Eckhart · 22/02/2020 01:11

Forgive yourself everything. Nothing will be deal-able with, and that's ok. Don't pressure yourself. Get practical and emotional support in as many ways as you can. Lighten your load as much as you can. Over and over. And wait. All you can do is wait. Eventually 'coping' will occur, and you will move forward. Give yourself lots of time.

I feel for you. You're not on your own.

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 01:12

Thank you BillieEilish I will keep posting tomorrow as it has been really helpful to just say what I want without risking hurting someones feelings or making it worse.

OP posts:
Cecilia2016 · 22/02/2020 01:13

I’m sorry for your loss OP

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 01:15

Thank you everyone who has contributed.....I have been on Mumsnet for years now under different usernames but never before have I felt the immense power of the words of strangers who have taken time from their day to help someone in need x

OP posts:
salsmum · 22/02/2020 01:16

I'm so desperately sorry and feel your pain as this post could have been written by me in 2013. I only have 2 adult children although my daughter 31 has high care needs from her disability. There's an organisation called wins tons wish who help children cope with bereavement I've seen it on tv but don't know too much else about it. My DS married 3 months after my DH passed which was doubly hard, I had to put so much of my grief on a 'back burner' to help my kids. But each person copes in different ways (I had no family support) You will realise as time passes that it was in fact your DC that kept everything together and gave you the strength to get through it ( but that is a way away yet) Cruise are very good too to contact. Please know that I'm thinking of you and sending love and strength your way. Thanks xx

wafflyversatile · 22/02/2020 01:21

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My brother died in very similar circumstances, dropped dead in front of his partner and their young child. No will etc. There will be so much keeping you busy just now and keeping it together for your DC. Her gp was very good at keeping a check on her, as she needed signed off work so there was regular contact. She had some bereavement counselling when it felt right for her. I'm afraid there are no clear answers. You just muddle through one day after the next and a new normal establishes itself over time.

Again. I'm so sorry for your loss, writing this is transporting me back to that time. It is unrelenting at this stage. Flowers

salsmum · 22/02/2020 01:22

May be early days but Hobbycraft sell memory boxes that the children could put together for comfort and there are also folks who make 'comfort cushions' out of your DH jumpers or shirts for your DCs also putting a pillow or two on his side of the bed fills that empty space so you have something to hug in the night.

BillieEilish · 22/02/2020 01:23

Post whenever you need to, we are all here for you. Try and sleep now Assigned Flowers xxx

Keep in your mind you were a wonderful wife to your DH. He was happy, fulfilled, you have wonderful DC's, he was proud, you made all that happen. These are the thoughts that would get me through.

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 01:23

Thank you salsmum it is helpful to hear from someone who has been where I am now. If it wasn't for the kids I dont think I could go on. I even went to see a medium the other day.....I am not religious and dont believe in these things normally but I am literally grasping at straws here, willing to try anything to help me get rid of this terrible pain in my gut.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 22/02/2020 01:24

I am so sorry OP. Just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if needs be. It is good that the children are receiving counselling. Can you get some for yourself too?

I hope that little cat is a source of comfort for you too.

Flowers
Bellabluea · 22/02/2020 01:24

I have a very close friend who lost her DH young and I’ve been with her every step of the way. She found WAY very useful for her and her children as they had the opportunity to meet up with others going through the same thing - the children in particular found this comforting.
Just know that it gets better. I promise. My friend was so in love with her husband and she spent pretty much most of the first few months on auto pilot in a daze just keeping herself and the children functioning.
She saw a grief counsellor which she recommends as he helped her a lot. It’s been three years for her and she still misses him and has bad days but she has good ones too where they can laugh and smile and remember the good times. She tries to think about what he would want her to be like. And although even laughing made her feel guilty at first, she reminded herself that’s what he would have wanted for her.

Much love. You’re doing amazingly.

Goodgollymiss · 22/02/2020 01:25

You have my sincerest condolences Flowers

Cati1234 · 22/02/2020 01:28

so sorry op... I dont have any advice really but I couldnt read and run ... could the DC grandparents/aunts/uncles one of your friends have the children For a few hours or a day just so you can be on your own and just I dont know cry let out some of the pain, you are trying to be strong for your kids but you need to let out some your tears... and your grief...like physically let it out of you....

this is nowhere near the same and am In no way comparing it but when my grandfather died and my beloved dog my dh took out our ds for a few hours and I sat there and just cried great big wails and sobs for hours you know the type where you can barely get your breath....... it made me feel a little better, letting it out, not being strong for others around me. It might not help much or at all....but getting some of the pain out helps sometimes. Like I say its nowhere near the same experience as yours it's just something that had always helped me when I've lost someone it also helped when I had a cancer diagnosis

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 01:30

What you describe Bellabluea is exactly how I feel. I am in a daze just wondering around getting through each day and dealing with each new issue as it pops up. Valentines day was particularly hard as normally we didn't bother but last year for some reason he got me a beautiful one made, personalised and with such lovely things wrote inside. The kids then thought they had to do something for me this year and I got a mountain of chocolate and teddy bears

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 22/02/2020 01:33

Hi OP, I'm so sorry.

You are right nothing and no one can bring him back but when we lose a spouse to something sudden and unexpected we grieve very differently. For that reason I suggest if you feel this way in a few months seek counselling from your CCG.

In the meantime, you know what to do. You are doing it. You keep going.

You look after your kids. You talk about him all the time to anyone who will listen. You grab brief moments to cry, privately if you prefer. You write him letters and say whatever you wish. You look through photos and allow yourself to feel sad with whichever of the kids want to join you. You tell the kids that you know it can feel easier and less painful to be angry than sad and that's why we often lash out when we are hurting.

You are doing great.

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 01:34

He worked abroad for those asking so financially things are taking a bit longer than they normally would, also no cause of death and possible coroners inquest means I have no official death certificate just a temporary coroners letter which not all places will accept.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 22/02/2020 01:36

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's lovely to think that 700 people thought so highly of him.

Original poster
AssignedFuckerAtBirth · 22/02/2020 01:44

I know katy1213 it was so nice to see and honestly would have surprised him as much as me... but he did such wonderful work with young children in the community that he was very well known

OP posts:
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