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Original poster

Can I have some advice how to deal with overweight Dh

178 replies

Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 19:32

I feel horrible for writing this but I need some help on how to drum home how important it is for dh to lose weight.

I love him dearly and would never leave him but I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore because of his weight.

He is actually really attractive but he is so bloated now his face doesn’t even look like the man I met.

He is a big guy, 6,2 and was never slim but muscular. He’s gotten to 20 stone now from 15 when I met him.

He is just greedy. Over eats. If he is happy - wants a take away, sad - wants a take away, Friday Saturday Sunday - wants a take away.

The GP has told him to lose weight. He loses about 7lbs in a week if he finally can be arsed to eat healthy but then the next week puts it back on and more. Said the scales were broke.

I’ve told him sex feels awkward and uncomfortable for me. His belly is like a nine months pregnant woman’s . We’ve not had sex in three months because of it.

If I don’t cook his food or take his lunch to work he is at the shop buying shit. His weight/diet is not my responsibility and he won’t take ownership of it.

He finds ways of being able to eat out by constantly arranging meals out for work colleagues or friends. His clothes are really tight and tbh I’m sick of buying bigger and bigger clothes whilst he has piles and piles of clothes in his wardrobe.

He pays a gym membership that he never goes to, I’ve told him to cancel it but he won’t as he is ‘always going to go after work’ but never does.

I’ve had three children and managed to keep myself healthy. Why the fuck shouldn’t he? Why does he think it’s ok to do this to yourself?

I feel like I’m really going to snap on him and say something horrible which I really don’t want to but need to say something as this is my red line.

I’m only 40 and don’t want to live with no passion or sex for the rest of my life. How can I put this in to words that won’t upset him.

Thanks

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 18/02/2020 19:45

Sorry OP but I think this is one of those situations where there's very little you can do.

It's completely understandable that your attraction to your DH has been affected by his weight gain, but if he's ever going to lose weight/be healthier the will to do it has to come from himself, not because he feels pressured to do it for someone else.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having an honest but tactfully worded conversation to factually explain how much this is affecting you and where it could potentially lead if nothing changes i.e. would you consider leaving? He has a right to know if that's the case. But honestly... it's going to be a difficult conversation to get right and it still might not be enough to encourage him to change.

Singlenotsingle · 18/02/2020 19:52

Try putting him on a diet. You take control. I know you don't want to but if you don't, it won't happen. If you do something simple eg cutting out carbs and sugar, the weight should fall off. Have a look at the keto diet, or Slimming World. And yes, tell him what you're doing cos you need him on board.

bedtimebrew · 18/02/2020 19:56

Don't take control! I have eating problems - I'm massively heavier than I was when I met DH (he doesn't care, so not an issue for us) but I would hate him if he "took control". He's not my father.

I'd actually say take less control ... why are you buying his clothes for him? There is nothing you can do, he's an adult and he will choose what he wants. Of course that comes with the consequence of you don't finding him sexually attractive but that's the consequence he will have to deal with.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weight management
rottiemum88 · 18/02/2020 19:57

Try putting him on a diet. You take control.

This is an adult man, not a child FGS Hmm

Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 20:00

Single he is supposed to be on slimming world. I cook for him night SW meals and do his lunches but if he forgets his lunch or leaves early and doesn’t eat breakfast he is eating shit at work and I can’t or shouldn’t have to police that he needs to take responsibility too.

He will not avoid carbs. He really doesn’t see the harm in eating a full pack of crumpets in work.

Im at a loss and starting to resent him doing this to us.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 18/02/2020 20:01

His weight/diet is not my responsibility and he won’t take ownership of it.

Make it a family commitment.

You say you have 3 children, so make it about them. Make it about all of you, not just him.

Take always and crap food is just as bad (worse?) for your children. Likewise massive portions or processed food. So take ownership of the family's health and decide "no more".

Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 20:02

Bed I don’t buy him clothes on my own we go out shopping together.

If I leave him to it it’s open season. I’ve tried that.

I really do love him. The other night he said ‘we’ve not had sex in months y’know’ and I feel like saying not shit Sherlock’

OP posts:
Goostacean · 18/02/2020 20:03

I think I’d probably have a very honest conversation with him. I don’t think it can be tactful really, this is a choice he’s making after all. Sounds like a softly-softly approach hasn’t been working...

Viviene · 18/02/2020 20:03

Buy him subscription to Noom. It uses psychology and calorie counting but the psychological side of it is very good!

MiniCooperLover · 18/02/2020 20:09

Make it very clear when he says you know we haven't had sex in ages why !!! I don't see an issue in being brutal, he'll hopefully realise you're saying it for the right reasons. However I am a very 'tough love' person.

Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 20:11

Goost it’s coming I just need to think how to word it.

Vivienne thanks I’ll look at that now

OP posts:
PickAChew · 18/02/2020 20:11

i think you need to be blunt with him and explain how you feel. his lack of ownership of the problem is (well, has been, in a previous relationship) more of a passion killer than the weight itself, for me. He's half heartedly and quite passively relying on you to make him suitable food but seems to find every excuse to eat something else. Losing weight takes a shift in mental attitude and he has not demonstrated that and is just going through the motions, presumably because the GP said so.

Patchworkpatty · 18/02/2020 20:16

I was an 'over eater' ... I went from 8 st 9 and 5'7 all my life until I got to 45. One course of steroids and I couldn't find the off button. By 52 I was 19 stone 6.

I did A LOT of research... finally understood that once BMI was passed 35 my chances of returning to healthy weight was less than 1:358 (and of those successful '1s' 85% put it all back on and more within 5 years. ) my research was evidenced based through imperial college centre for obesity research.. not Cosmo 'how fat are you' !

I sought help from my GP based on the scientific evidence and asked to be referred to the NHS tier 3 pathway for Bariatric surgery. I embarked on a year of weight loss workshops and education about diet. (Available to anyone with a BMI over 40 and to anyone with additional heath issues with a BMI over 35.

In December 2016 I had weight loss surgery to reduce the size of my stomach which had massively expanded.. (normal stomach 1 ilitre but mine was 2.5 litres) .. it was reduced by a sleeve gastrectomy to 100ml...

I am now 11 stone. And have been that way for 3 years.

It is the ONLY medically recognisedLONG TERM evaluated solution for over eaters. It has transformed my life, my health and my relationship.

I would urge your husband to see his GP.

There come a point where 'diet and exercise' just won't help. But this really does. I still can't eat more than a child's portion of a Sunday lunch. I enjoy it as much as the next person but am full and REALLY satisfied after 300 calories rather than 900...

Frazzled2207 · 18/02/2020 20:19

I'm in a sort of similar situation, husband is putting on weight though the difference is mine genuinely realises there is a problem and is trying to tackle it tbf, just with little success so far.

The reason he is trying to sort it though is that his own dad got very overweight and unhealthy towards the end of his life and indirectly it killed him and he had a very miserable last few years. He totally does not want that for our children. When you talk to him about it, if you do, make it clear that this is an issue that affects the whole family not just him.

redexpat · 18/02/2020 20:19

Am in exactly the same situation. I love him, but sex is just really unappealing and uncomfortable. He went to the dr for something else recently and was referred to a motivation thing. He has lost weight before but then piles it back on. So Im hopeful that this will help.

Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 20:22

Patch no way would I ever want my dh to have his stomach messed with. I really wouldn’t suggest that

Also I know some one who had surgery and she just used to melt chocolate to get her fix.

OP posts:
Sonichu · 18/02/2020 20:25

"His weight/diet is not my responsibility"

Exactly. Back off.

missyB1 · 18/02/2020 20:26

Have you approached it from a health point of view? As in his responsibility to be healthy for his kids and you? He wants to live to see them grow up I presume. Being overweight raises his risk of various different cancers as well as other diseases.

Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 20:31

red fingers crossed for you

OP posts:
fedup21 · 18/02/2020 20:32

Try putting him on a diet.

I just don’t see that will work. He will just eat when you’re not looking.

OP-I could have written your post. I feel exactly the same way. DH has put on so much weight now-it’s unhealthy and so unattractive. His stomach means sex is really disappointing. If he’s on top, his gut is so big, I can barely feel him inside me. It ends up with him lying back doing fuck all with me bouncing around on top (never one of my favourite positions anyway, but kills my knees so I just don’t want to do it) or him lying back doing fuck all as I do ‘other’ things. You can sense a theme. I’ve googled positions in this situation, and it’s all about allowing the overweight bloke to lie there, whilst the women straddles him in all sorts of difficult ways and convoluted ways. Why the fuck should I, when he could just eat less? I don’t want to have sex with ‘adjustments’ just because he eats too much. I have had three kids and weigh the same as I did pre marriage-there is no excuse.

His stomach is also so big, his clothes don’t fit and we are all subjected to his arse crack, his stomach poking out under his T-shirts and the whole eyeful of stomach fat if he lifts his arms up. He often has dropped food down himself as well and hasn’t noticed-I feel like I’ve lost all respect for him. If I point it out, he gets cross. I’ve tried buying him new jeans-he says, ‘they don’t fit-as I’m too fat, please stop buying them’ yet doesn’t see that I’m actually trying to help him as well by trying to buy clothes that cover his skin. It feels like he has no self respect-it’s difficult to respect someone who doesn’t respect himself.

I’ve not introduced him to any of my new colleagues at work as I’m so embarrassed by how he looks. It’s not just the weight (though he also looks heavily pregnant), it’s the clothes not fitting so he will sit there with his stomach hanging out. I refuse to put him or me in that situation and give my colleagues something to gossip about for months.

He blames his weight on me organising the odd takeaway/weekend away/holiday which he claims ‘undoes’ all his good work, but the truth is-he simply has no off switch and just doesn’t stop- he has toast and jam or cereal every night once I’ve gone to bed. There isn’t any good work-just him eating.

I’ve posted on here before but suggestions usually involve me buying less bread and cereals. Foods which I buy because I have three kids who eat them for breakfast.

I can’t see a way toward either except for splitting up. I want a normal husband who I don’t have to hide food from and who I can have normal sex with, without any adjustments or intervention.

What’s worse is that i haven’t told anyone about this, so I can’t even talk about it as I don’t want them knowing and feeling sorry for me that I live with a food covered, arse hanging out man who can’t have sex properly. So, it’s built up bigger and bigger in my head and I don’t know where to start. His weight is directly making me feel unhappy as my sex life is non-existent.

I’m sure people will think I’m a complete bitch though.

Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 20:32

Missy I have. I even asked him to go doctors and get checked out and the GP basically have him a clean bill of health! So he can’t back thinking he was fit as a fiddle but needs to lose a bit of weight Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 20:36

Jesus fedup I feel exactly the sand especially about the sex.

I’ve spoken to my best friend about it but then I feel horrible as I know now she will be thinking about too Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 20:37

People ask me if he is a heavy drinker - nope it’s all food.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 20:38

He’s just come in from work and said he is definitely going to the gym tomorrow. I hope he does.

I’m going to join up at his gym as I have two days a week free and go with him to get motivated

OP posts:
missyB1 · 18/02/2020 20:38

Oh God why the heck didn’t the GP warn him about all the dangers?! Sometimes I think they are so busy trying not to offend or scare patients that they don’t actually get the message across.
Honestly I would tell him seriously that he’s being selfish not taking care of his health, and that it’s just not fair on the whole family. I would make it crystal clear that you expect him to take action.