Can I have some advice how to deal with overweight Dh

[Bathtimebabies]

I feel horrible for writing this but I need some help on how to drum home how important it is for dh to lose weight.

I love him dearly and would never leave him but I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore because of his weight.

He is actually really attractive but he is so bloated now his face doesn’t even look like the man I met.

He is a big guy, 6,2 and was never slim but muscular. He’s gotten to 20 stone now from 15 when I met him.

He is just greedy. Over eats. If he is happy - wants a take away, sad - wants a take away, Friday Saturday Sunday - wants a take away.

The GP has told him to lose weight. He loses about 7lbs in a week if he finally can be arsed to eat healthy but then the next week puts it back on and more. Said the scales were broke.

I’ve told him sex feels awkward and uncomfortable for me. His belly is like a nine months pregnant woman’s . We’ve not had sex in three months because of it.

If I don’t cook his food or take his lunch to work he is at the shop buying shit. His weight/diet is not my responsibility and he won’t take ownership of it.

He finds ways of being able to eat out by constantly arranging meals out for work colleagues or friends. His clothes are really tight and tbh I’m sick of buying bigger and bigger clothes whilst he has piles and piles of clothes in his wardrobe.

He pays a gym membership that he never goes to, I’ve told him to cancel it but he won’t as he is ‘always going to go after work’ but never does.

I’ve had three children and managed to keep myself healthy. Why the fuck shouldn’t he? Why does he think it’s ok to do this to yourself?

I feel like I’m really going to snap on him and say something horrible which I really don’t want to but need to say something as this is my red line.

I’m only 40 and don’t want to live with no passion or sex for the rest of my life. How can I put this in to words that won’t upset him.

Thanks

Hi OP, if you haven’t already read Tom Watson’s book Downsizing, I’d really recommend it. It’s a great insight into how it feels to be obese and what he did to change it is really interesting. He’s not prescribing the same route for everyone, he’s clear that you have to find your own way and discover what works best for you. But it’s actually rather cheering to hear a positive story. And it has got a lot of people on social media talking to each other about what works for them. Perhaps if you read it and leave it lying around your H might pick it up?

Fedup he buys mainly from next and wears a belt. I think the belt saves a lot of arse crackage.

Dwane I’ll look at that now.

OP I'm not surprised you're fed up.

Are your wills etc in order? Maybe having that type of discussion may jolt him into action.

For me the situation would make me consider ending the marriage.

Im sorry to hear your relationship is suffering OP. Im going to be straight with you as i am a food scientist and deal with weight loss related behaviour change on a day to day basis. I havnt read all of this thread but i feel Your husband needs to be ready to lose weight and see the benefit of losing weight. If he is not at this stage there will be nothing you can do to change him. No diet book or slimming plan is going to magically make him drop 5 stone. He needs to want to lose the weight and be ready to make changes. Even if he starts (as you have seen) it doesn't mean he's going to continue and he'll put the weight back on. He needs to know whats at stake if he doesn't lose weight both for your relationship and his health.

If this is really affecting your relationship, he knows this, and is still not ready or willing to change you need to assess if you want to carry on in this relationship or if you will be better off apart.

I wish you the best of luck

Well, @Bathtimebabies we had an impromptu conversation this morning. It didn’t go well.

He was going to work and because of his clothes (no shirt, just T-shirt) -was sitting with his arse hanging out. I could just imagine him sitting in the office all day with colleagues walking past having to stare at his bum crack. I was very kind about it and he took it relatively well and went and changed. He asked if his other jeans were any better, which I said no. He said-well, the jeans you buy aren’t high enough-why do you buy jeans like that?, which I replied-I buy whatever comes in his size for him to try on. Nothing really fits because of his stomach (I didn’t say that).

He then said, right-well, I’ll just have to eat nothing then. Don’t arrange anything social at all for the foreseeable future. This is a thing he does where he sort of blames me for arranging get togethers with friends and family and says they undo all his good work and he will be ‘good’ all week and the put on half a stone in a weekend because of what I’ve arranged. . I pointed out that we’ve done fuck all social since Xmas and the reason he hasn’t lost weight is more likely to be because he eats toast and cereal late at night and goes to buy chocolate and biscuits from the shop even when I haven’t bought any.

This led to him saying he overeats because he’s depressed. He’s depressed because the country is shit (Brexit/Tories etc) and he is angry because I won’t uproot our whole family, friends and jobs and emigrate to New Zealand. That is another issue.

He says he’s tried everything over the years and nothing works. I pointed out that he has never been to Slimming world or anything like that. But he apparently doesn’t need to pay money to be humiliated and knows what to do, but has no willpower to do it, hates feeling hungry and it’s like an addiction. When he tries and fails, he feels more shit so why bother. I humiliate him by making him go clothes shopping (I have NEVER made him go clothes shopping-which I pointed out!).

So, I don’t know where we go here. He is clearly unhappy. He is also dangerously obese and nearly 50. I am unhappy.

Any advice very welcome-I am really struggling here.

Fedup21 sorry if this is way off the mark, I know there’s way more to this as you can’t really do anything on his behalf to change it. But just struck a chord what you said about his attitude to slimming world, there is a guy on Facebook called richie howie, search for teamRH, it’s just a different type of approach, which maybe it’s worth looking at some of the videos to see if it rings any bells with your DH. I also do think you shouldn’t be afraid of telling him what you’re thinking when it comes to his appearance. It sounds harsh but possibly realising exactly how much is at stake could be a wake up call for him?

Well, we're all depressed about the state of the country, but we're not all stuffing our faces until we're dangerously obese.

I'm sorry to hear your update OP. Sounds like you were very restrained in what you said. But he is determined to take no responsibility for what he puts into his mouth. He's not a baby. Nobody is feeding him with a spoon. And yet he will blame anyone and anything rather than his own decisionmaking, to the extent of outright lying about you making him go clothes shopping (!! the trauma!!)

I think he’s deeply unhappy with his weight and knows you are right but is deflecting the conversation by blaming you. I know this because that was me. Until he gets there mentally by himself nothing will change. OP you just have to decide whether you can stay with him until/ if that point comes. It’s very sad and complicated I’m afraid.

Nothing really fits because of his stomach

Larger people have every right to wear clothes that fit!

If they don't fit, you're buying clothes too small for him. If you're doing the shopping for him then he's going to be mega embarrassed to admit the (big) trousers you bought are too small. So he'll do what 99% of plus size men do...

He'll wear his trousers under his belly overhang, rather than on his waist.

His 'under belly' measurement will be much smaller than his waist measurement. If he wears trousers in the proper position he will need to tuck his belly in. This feels quite abnormal and probably never came naturally to him as he got bigger. So he's got used to wearing his trousers under his belly instead of around his belly. This causes the whole butt crack thing and also means the trousers overall are far, far too small.

So while it might not be pleasant, he needs to learn how to dress well in a plus size. Measure around his middle at belly button height, same height all the way around (So don't dip the tape measure under his belly). That's the waist size he needs.

What waist size are you buying. There are lots of plus size retailers where you can get properly fitting clothes for him. Jacamo Is one example but there are many.

You may not be able to buy on the high street. But he has ever right to dress well (without bum/belly hanging out) and so look much more presentable, whatever his size.

I could have written this post @Bathtimebabies

My husband was always fit and active, but since we had our son 7 months ago he's just not bothered at all. He's now taken on a promotion which means very long hours in the office, so time to exercise is non-existent currently.

I fee like a bitch thinking "shift that stomach and hopefully I'll start to fancy you again!" But it's true, whilst he's an amazing dad and a wonderful husband in many ways, the physical attraction is not there at all. And like you, I have gone back to my normal weight after 3 children, so it frustrates me that he just doesn't really care how he looks. His clothes are far too tight and I was horrified to see how huge his stomach was last night.

I feel unrealistic asking him to get fit when he just doesn't have spare time these days. Am hoping he'll be able to soon though as it's just going to get harder to shift the bigger he gets...

I'm so pleased that I've found you ladies here as was worried what the feedback would be to women who feel like we do!

He'll wear his trousers under his belly overhang, rather than on his waist.

That is exactly what he is doing!

He wears a 42 which fits under his belly. But then has no hips so they don’t hold up. Goodness knows what it would measure all around it.

Ah fedup I didn’t see your post. Are you ok? Has it been brought up again? I don’t know what to say that can help. I think deep down we know where this is going but we don’t want to push it there ... yet.

So dh and I were all set to go to the gym on Monday, I joined up on Saturday. Come Monday dc came down with a stomach bug so so they are off school. I’ve got the car as his is in the garage so that give him the excuse not to go. I did tell him he could have the car though.

He keeps forgetting to track his calories. I really couldn’t make it any easier for him.

Last night there was something on tv and some one made a joke about sex. He said ‘I’ve forgot what that is’ so I bit back this time and said ‘don’t just blame me for the lack of sex’

He said he knows it’s because of his weight and that he doesn’t feel the same about it any more anyway as I’ve put him off as I only have sex with him when I’m drunk and it’s effected his confidence and that he might need counselling.

So I felt like shit then.

He’s just rang from work to ask me to get a curry out of the freezer and do some rice for his tea. I’ve been marinading chicken and was going to do it with peppers and onions and cous cous.

I’m scared when the kids grow up and leave there will be nothing left between us. No connection. Nothing. When we always talk about is having kid free holidays and enjoying each other - what if it’s too late?

Dh also wears his jeans under his belly too. Although he is a 48inch

I know when dh is trying to lose weight because he weighs himself daily. His not had the scales out for ages. His face looks totally different, he’s a really good looking bloke and his weight has aged him ten years. When I look at him watching tv I think ‘who are you? When did you get in?’ He looks unrecognisable. I don’t know who this man is.

I also said I’m concerned your not following any plan -

• If you track calories you can eat what you want and it will give you a reading of how much and a limit.

• if you follow a diet you can have guidelines to keep you on track

I just get - ‘I can do it myself’

No mate you obviously can’t as your 21 stone.

Tbh I feel like he is really fucking selfish now. And I sound like a broken record

Well you sound like a broken record because you are...NOTHING will change unless he really wants to. And I think your options are :
Tell him you can’t live like this and it’s over now
Tell him you can’t live like this fir much longer and he has x months to change
Tell him you both have to accept that the marriage as you knew it has changed but that you will put up with it
Say nothing and put up with it

Ultimately you need to speak your truth.

I can only speak so bluntly because I have been in both your shoes and your DHs.

Dh also wears his jeans under his belly too. Although he is a 48inch

My DH isn’t anywhere nearly as tall as yours, so it’s less good than it sounds .

I’m just so fed up with it all now-the last thing I have left is the sex conversation.

With my DH, I have realised he always ate unhealthily but in his twenties, he was also very active so the impact was not visual. He played rugby every weekend and trained 3/4 times a week. He is now too old for rugby (plus injured).

There is no answer beyond him realising and using that as motivation. You did not cause his weight gain and you are not responsible for it. You cannot fix it either.

I think I’ve just gone overboard.

I’ve just sent him a pic of when I first met him. And said ‘let’s get this guy back, take the car and go gym and find a personal trainer to help guide you. I love you’

I got back -

‘Well we all can wish’

MrsGrin

I know what your saying but I struggle to even imagine me saying that. Because I really don’t want to. I don’t want to leave him. So I’m just stuck in panic mode at the moment thinking ‘wtf are you doing? Is this it now?’

With my DH, I have realised he always ate unhealthily but in his twenties, he was also very active so the impact was not visual. He played rugby every weekend and trained 3/4 times a week. He is now too old for rugby(plus injured)

This is my dh too

I think I read somewhere that weight loss is 90% diet and 10% exercise, so I’m not planning to push the exercise. Mine tends to do something really stupid, like an hour on an exercise bike or a 2 hour walk in uncomfortable shoes and then can’t move for a week, so sabotaging any efforts!

If mine started with eating NO food after dinner and no biscuits/cake/chocolate/ice cream-it would have a huge impact.

I’m sick of coming down to breakfast to find toast crumbs...not only is he eating late at night which to me, feels like a) he doesn’t give a shit that my sex life is going to be crap as he can’t even be arsed to try to lose weight, and b) he doesn’t even respect me enough to clean up the bloody toast crumbs!

The sad truth is you can't make him do it. Most people when they start diets are really motivated for a short time, but your DH hasn't got that. Currently he doesn't want to change, and you won't shift 6 stone with no motivation.

I think you need to give him all the responsibility back. He may say he's distressed by your honesty about your sex life, but it's the truth, even if it's an unhappy one. I'd actually take him up on that counselling suggestion, but make it couples counselling, and use this space to challenge him.

Ultimately you may need to decide if sex and attraction are deal breakers for you.

I reckon the problem with both bathtime and fedup is that you have no empathy because you have both stayed slim 'even after children'. Well bully for you. It's not that easy for everyone. Maybe you stay slim naturally, or maybe you watch what you eat, but whatever, you cannot expect others to be the same as you.
You clearly resent your husbands for daring to get fat and are slowly but surely decimating their self esteem with your digs about non satisfying sex.
It is right to lose respect for your partner based only on appearance?
If I was very obese and thought my husband felt like this about me I would be horrified and devastated. I also think there's more to life than sex. If you lost your libido would you expect your husband to leave you?
I just think it's sad that we are so obsessed by size and appearance

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream
What a horrid and heady post. Quite clearly not everyone finds it easy to remain slim but it takes most people from the age of 30 to actually have a care and put in some planning/effort re food and movement.

To say that the OP and others with this issue are destroying their husbands confidence is bollocks.

Their confidence and self esteem clearly disappeared some time ago, hence why they're in this position now...not caring about their weight and health. They dont respect themselves and arent looking after themselves. And I say this as an overweight person who is finally in the right mindset to tackle my health and weight issues.

The OP also said she didnt want to leave, the threat of leaving might just get them to listen and take it seriously!

OP, what I've done is not count cals at all. I've set out a breakie, lunch and dinner....slightly lower carb but I still had rice today. Much smaller portions. I can have snacks x 2 such as fruit or yoghurt with berries. Every day I've done a 25min cardio. It's hard but they are over with fast and help me to keep motivated with my healthy food. In my usual binge time I do that cardio instead, so I take away the opportunity to go around the kitchen like a locust. I also feel that having the same thing Monday to friday is one less thing to think about and will get me back into ordered eating (as I was always fasting and then binging, skipping meals and eating everything in sight after dinner, grabbing take away etc). I've lost 4lbs in as many days and am starting to feel my energy come back. So see if he can just choose 3 meals. Then you know what your week looks like. Maybe something a bit nicer on sat night or sun lunch as a mini treat.

I feel for you OP. Very difficult situation

Goady post* not heady!

you have no empathy because you have both stayed slim 'even after children'

I don’t think that’s very fair. I just try to eat fairly healthily and not snack between meals.

with your digs about non satisfying sex

I haven’t even mentioned the sex to anyone except on here.

He looks completely unrecognisable from the man I married-I don’t think it’s that unreasonable to wish your life partner hadn’t become morbidly obese.