Can I have some advice how to deal with overweight Dh

[Bathtimebabies]

I feel horrible for writing this but I need some help on how to drum home how important it is for dh to lose weight.

I love him dearly and would never leave him but I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore because of his weight.

He is actually really attractive but he is so bloated now his face doesn’t even look like the man I met.

He is a big guy, 6,2 and was never slim but muscular. He’s gotten to 20 stone now from 15 when I met him.

He is just greedy. Over eats. If he is happy - wants a take away, sad - wants a take away, Friday Saturday Sunday - wants a take away.

The GP has told him to lose weight. He loses about 7lbs in a week if he finally can be arsed to eat healthy but then the next week puts it back on and more. Said the scales were broke.

I’ve told him sex feels awkward and uncomfortable for me. His belly is like a nine months pregnant woman’s . We’ve not had sex in three months because of it.

If I don’t cook his food or take his lunch to work he is at the shop buying shit. His weight/diet is not my responsibility and he won’t take ownership of it.

He finds ways of being able to eat out by constantly arranging meals out for work colleagues or friends. His clothes are really tight and tbh I’m sick of buying bigger and bigger clothes whilst he has piles and piles of clothes in his wardrobe.

He pays a gym membership that he never goes to, I’ve told him to cancel it but he won’t as he is ‘always going to go after work’ but never does.

I’ve had three children and managed to keep myself healthy. Why the fuck shouldn’t he? Why does he think it’s ok to do this to yourself?

I feel like I’m really going to snap on him and say something horrible which I really don’t want to but need to say something as this is my red line.

I’m only 40 and don’t want to live with no passion or sex for the rest of my life. How can I put this in to words that won’t upset him.

Thanks

My husband got to 32 stone before he realised he had to do something about it. Size 6xl and I don’t even know what his waist size was-he’d progressed to elastic waist for everything.

Whilst I’d known for a few years it took him being unable to stand up after doing some diy at ground level to realise he needed to do something. He had bariatric surgery 4 weeks later (privately). He’s 11 stone down, and whilst still has a few stone to go is far healthier than he was.

The lack of attraction-I get, I loved his face still so that helped. The how did I help-well I didn’t, I did softly softly but an overeager won’t stop until they’re ready, you kind of have to stick it out or leave in my experience.

You clearly resent your husbands for daring to get fat and are slowly but surely decimating their self esteem with your digs about non satisfying sex.

21 stone isn't just a middle aged spread though, is it? A 6 stone weight gain is transformative. It's ok for anyone to not want sex for any reason, and I can't see who would benefit from lying about the reason sex has stopped. There is a need to be sensitive to feelings, but not to obscure the truth.

I'm not trying to be goady at all.
fedup 'just trying to eat healthily and not snack between meals'- yes, we all know it is that simple, but many of us can't seem to achieve it. And feeling like half the world views us as weak willed repulsive pigs doesn't help.
I hate the deeply ingrained culture that fat people are not to be respected or found attractive. There should be more acceptance. It's such a hard subject.

I agree with InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream's post.

Their confidence and self esteem clearly disappeared some time ago, hence why they're in this position now

That is a wild assumption DangerMouse17, and possibly projection. I had far greater confidence when 8st overweight than now I'm a normal weight. Confidence and self esteem need not be weight related.

He looks completely unrecognisable from the man I married

Everyone changes as they age! It's unreasonable to expect him to stay the same physically as he was 10/20/30 years ago.

You were probably much better looking as a 20 year old than as a 55 year old (or whatever). It's not ok to insult your partner's physical appearance like this. Be worried for his health, yes. But to be so vile about his appearance is incredibly shallow. How would you react if he had a life-altering accident after you got married?

But waitrose the 6 stone will have been gained over many years. It creeps up. I've put on 3 stone over 20 odd years. I keep trying to address it with varying degrees of success. If my husband told me he no longer found me attractive and didn't want sex I'd be devastated and think he was a shallow bastard.

@Bathtimebabies @fedup21

Do you have a vice yourself that you could give up? Smoking is the obvious answer. Or drinking. Or fizzy pop or chocolate or whatever.

The trigger for me deciding to lose 8st was my best mate saying "if I support you dieting will you support me stopping smoking?". Then without any suggestion or pressure form me, DH decided to join my healthy eating plan and he ended up losing 7st. We are now both long distance runners and gym bunnies. And over 15 stone lighter as a couple.

... and our sexlife is no different plus or minus the 15st DH and I lost together. If either of us was shallow enough to let physical appearance affect our affection, then losing weight wouldn't solve that relationship flaw.

fate your posts have much more eloquently described exactly what I was trying to say

@FATEdestiny

*Their confidence and self esteem clearly disappeared some time ago, hence why they're in this position now

That is a wild assumption DangerMouse17, and possibly projection.*

No not projection, but understanding. They were not like this before, they know they have a weight problem, are upset about comments from friends etc...but cant seem to make a positive change and put themselves and their health first. So yes I think the self esteem isnt there. It cant be.

Well danger their self esteem certainly won't be there all the time their partners are viewing them as weak willed greedy repulsive hogs who are too fat to have sex. It's a really unpleasant attitude.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream
Their partners are saying the majority of those things HERE, asking for advice about how to tackle it. This is the space they've come to in order to vent and find common ground with others. Rather than keep telling them how shallow they are to have such feelings brewing inside, why dont you make a sensible suggestion about a possible solution? They are obese, not a few pounds over...

DangerMouse17 you are inferring that if self esteem was there, then they'd lose weight.

They were not like this before, they know they have a weight problem...

Obese people know they have a weight problem. They can know they have a weight problem and also be confident and have self esteem.

are upset about comments from friends etc...

Obese people (or indeed anyone) would be upset by comments from friends - because such comments are rude and unkind. You can be upset by mean comments while also maintaining confidence and self esteem.

but cant seem to make a positive change and put themselves and their health first...

It is well within normal human range to not make healthy choices while also being a confident person with good self esteem

So yes I think the self esteem isnt there. It cant be

You are very narrow minded in your view here.

But danger there isn't a solution. I do think the two posters are just genuinely shallow. They are not accepting of the fact that physical appearance and sexual ability can and does change over the years, but that if you really love someone, you STILL love them the same regardless. I think realistically these men were unfortunate to marry women who place too much importance on physical appearance, so their marriages are effectively over. Sorry to be so blunt.

When you're both in your 70s or 80s, do you think your sex life will be as good as it is now? Do you think you'll both look as "hot" as you did in your 20s and 30s?

Is not being at your physical best therefore reason to insult your partner's appearance, virility or question your relationship?

If my husband told me he no longer found me attractive and didn't want sex I'd be devastated and think he was a shallow bastard.

Firstly 3 stone is not 6 stone.

If your husband had stopped finding you attractive and did not want to have sex with you, what would you want him to do? I love my husband but if he had a pregnancy belly I'd not want to have sex with him.

What about 3rd degree burns on his face? Would you want to have sex with him then?

What about... if he had to have both legs amputated?

How about if.... he lost all his hair? Would that be ok for you to find him physically attractive?

The question becomes, where is your line?

I guess it's a personal thing. I'm certain I'd love and fancy my DH the same through all if these physical defects. Otger people are more.... shallow. Shallow, superficial, these are the only words I can think to describe it.

waitrose what difference would three stone make? If my husband thought those things about me then I'd want him to leave. He would not be the person I thought he was.

So waitrose when you had an ACTUAL pregnancy belly, was it perfectly fine for your partner to say 'ugh, you're no longer attractive, I don't want to have sex with you'
Of course not! It's ridiculous double standards!

Hi OP... going to the gym is great and as you said, he is good at sport, so he has that mindset already. Unfortunately, diet is really about 80% of the trick to weight loss. (Gym will be vital for mindset and maintenance - and long-term health, also!)
Unfortunately, nutritionists have proven that ultimately no diet is going to work unless you actually stick to it - ALL of the time! You can’t do this for him. If he is going to sneak off and buy stuff when he’s at work or out with his friends, there is no point.
I have lost 60kg (will Google stones for you - 9.45 stones). I am only 5ft1, so was seriously obese. (In fact, I think I now weigh slightly less than I have lost!) There were a lot of issues which got me there, including denial and unhappiness, but it was really mostly the shit I put in my mouth. I have kept a stable weight for more than three years and and can confidently say that it’s never coming back. My entire lifestyle is completely different, but there are only benefits and no downsides that I can think of!
Your DH is probably silently comparing himself to other guys and can’t possibly be in that much denial about where he is physically. I bet he avoids full-length mirrors at all costs. Maybe you need to go to GP with him and discuss from more psychological angle.

If I put on 3, 4, 5 stone then I'm sure my partner wouldn't think of me as he used to and vice versa. Unfortunately this is the same for most people but if you're a person who has been bigger previously then this will be harder to hear and to deal with. Most couples will still live their partner but will think of them differently if they put on a lot of weight.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream I’m sorry if I’ve triggered you. But yes it is an issue. Im 5,4 and a size 8/10 . He is 6,2 and at last count 20,8lb. He squashed me in bed. It’s uncomfortable. He also sweats on me when it’s hot. I find it difficult to get on top as his belly sticks up like a pregnant belly.

So yeah it’s a big turn off. He is killing him self. That’s selfish on his two young dds.

It’s also selfish on me as I didn’t choose to be with some one who would change them self’s so dramatically. If I got a tribal tattoo that covered my face, would it be fair to say to dh ‘what? Don’t you fancy me any more? That’s shallow!’

The GP has told him to lose weight. He has a really bad hip due to his weight to the point if he doesn’t lose the weight he could end up in a wheel chair. If he’s not already dead from a heart attack. He breaths out of his arse going up the stairs.

So yeah it’s a really big issue that’s why I was asking for advice. Please don’t drag your own issues which are not the same in here when people are trying to suggest things. This isn’t about you. And if you’d bothered to read my posts he’s actually put a lot on in the last two years. It’s accelerating. I’m worried.

What difference does three stone make? - well it’s six and you try being under him.

Three and six stone is a big difference.

Dangermouse that’s a good idea. And tbh that’s what he has done in the past

fedup don’t let it bother you.

Thank you every one for your kind support and experience

Just thanks for that I’ll have a google and well done

What about 3rd degree burns on his face?

It's about choice, isn't it? People gain weight as they age, but 6 stone is the result of significant daily overeating. Burns aren't comparable to this because there's no (usually) no choice about it.

If DH had a car accident and needed an amputation I don't think I'd be phased. If on the other hand he had poorly controlled diabetes and over a decade inconsistently took medication, developed leg ulcers from his diabetes, still didn't take medicine and then 2 years later needed an amputation I might feel differently.

waitrose when you had an ACTUAL pregnancy belly, was it perfectly fine for your partner to say 'ugh, you're no longer attractive, I don't want to have sex with you'

There's a profound difference between carrying a baby and enabling my DH to be a partner and choosing to eat to excess, isn't there? But lots of men don't fancy their heavily pregnant partners. It can't feel great but it can't be helped.

what difference would three stone make

It's six stone. So double the weight gain you have said bothers you. Double is a big difference.

bath what are you on about? Triggered? All about me?
YOU posted this about YOUR husband. My opinion is you are very shallow, you clearly don't like or want your fat husband so you may as well divorce him. And the reason you will cite? 'He got fat, and I didn't like it'. You may as well be honest.

*enabling DH to be a father