Can I have some advice how to deal with overweight Dh

[Bathtimebabies]

I feel horrible for writing this but I need some help on how to drum home how important it is for dh to lose weight.

I love him dearly and would never leave him but I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore because of his weight.

He is actually really attractive but he is so bloated now his face doesn’t even look like the man I met.

He is a big guy, 6,2 and was never slim but muscular. He’s gotten to 20 stone now from 15 when I met him.

He is just greedy. Over eats. If he is happy - wants a take away, sad - wants a take away, Friday Saturday Sunday - wants a take away.

The GP has told him to lose weight. He loses about 7lbs in a week if he finally can be arsed to eat healthy but then the next week puts it back on and more. Said the scales were broke.

I’ve told him sex feels awkward and uncomfortable for me. His belly is like a nine months pregnant woman’s . We’ve not had sex in three months because of it.

If I don’t cook his food or take his lunch to work he is at the shop buying shit. His weight/diet is not my responsibility and he won’t take ownership of it.

He finds ways of being able to eat out by constantly arranging meals out for work colleagues or friends. His clothes are really tight and tbh I’m sick of buying bigger and bigger clothes whilst he has piles and piles of clothes in his wardrobe.

He pays a gym membership that he never goes to, I’ve told him to cancel it but he won’t as he is ‘always going to go after work’ but never does.

I’ve had three children and managed to keep myself healthy. Why the fuck shouldn’t he? Why does he think it’s ok to do this to yourself?

I feel like I’m really going to snap on him and say something horrible which I really don’t want to but need to say something as this is my red line.

I’m only 40 and don’t want to live with no passion or sex for the rest of my life. How can I put this in to words that won’t upset him.

Thanks

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Yeah you’ve clearly not read any of my posts. Ok

waitrose and you think it's ok for a man to say to his pregnant wife 'I don't fancy you with that big belly'? Just because 'it can't be helped'? What tripe. Any man that shallow is an arsehole of the highest order

On the contrary bath it's reading ALL your posts which has prompted me to post, in response to the many posters who seem to think it fine and dandy to insult and belittle people who have become overweight.

Illness, burnt faces are not the same as some one putting excessive amounts of weight on. He chooses what goes in his mouth .

And you know it. You just want to fight because how I feel has enraged you for some reason.

Pregnancy and massive weight gain caused by overeating are not equivalent!

I would struggle with this too op. Recently lost 2 stone was slightly overweight size 14 now size 10. YouTube Michael Mosley 16 8 intermittent fasting It really works. Maybe get him to listen to the audiobook Tom Watson downsizing. He was like your dh and lost 7 stone

"I’ve just sent him a pic of when I first met him. And said ‘let’s get this guy back, take the car and go gym and find a personal trainer to help guide you. I love you’

I got back -

‘Well we all can wish’"

What did you think that was going to achieve???

I'm not enraged, I just think it's sad and unkind that you can't love your husband for who he is NOW.
It was actually another poster who mentioned burns and illness, not me. My point is simply, if you haven't got it in you to accept your husband's changed appearance and sexual ability, then your marriage is probably over.

She might still love her DH but if OP doesn’t find him sexually attractive any more, what can she do? Pretend that she does? Lie there and think of England so that her husband doesn’t feel upset? What a grim prospect.

OP your husband’s overeating is an addiction and you need to approach it as such. Softly softly, coaxing, cajoling, laying down ultimatums, offering bribes... none of those will work.

The only thing you can do when dealing with an addict is recognise and accept that:
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.

All you can do is set your own boundaries and enforce them. Maybe one of your boundaries is no sex until he loses the weight, or perhaps you refuse to do any more cooking or mental labour in regard of his diet. You decide what boundaries you feel comfortable with. The rest is up to him.

Hello! I was in a similar position to your husband recently. I spent years in diets trying to control my weight and in the last 2 years the weight gain accelerated scarily. I could not control it no matter what I tried and my knees were being damaged by the extra weight.

Like your husband, I have young children and a healthy weight spouse who has supported me in every attempt to lose and keep weight off. I have in the past many times lost huge amounts of weight only to gain them back quickly and a bit more.

I am just posting to let you know that I had Bariatric surgery and it has changed my life. Like you, I would have never considered it some years ago but I saw the big change a friend had and the improvement of her quality of life. I was very afraid of dying young and leave my children motherless due to my obesity.

I went to see several surgeons and doctors and they all told me that the chances of me losing weight and keeping it off with diet alone were close to zero, and explained the biological reasons for this.

I can now eat everything (but don't fancy empty carbs or junk food and eat only healthy food), but in small amounts (much more than 3 spoonfuls), I'm almost never hungry, I feel great with lots of energy and it feels like my life changed overnight for the better. It takes effort, the first few months are hard but to me is so much worth it. I had a gastric sleeve, which has less complications than a bypass.

Luckily so far I have not had any complications or side effects other than constipation that is very manageable if I remember to drink enough and have enough fiber everyday.

I know you don't want to consider bariatric surgery as an option, but I thought I would mention my experience if it's something that you would like to research. I wish you the best, because I have been in your husband's shoes and I know that it is almost an impossible task and soul destroying. Good luck!

inspace OP isn't just not wanting sex based on appearance, she's not getting anything out of it when it does happen because it's physically awkward.

and you think it's ok for a man to say to his pregnant wife 'I don't fancy you with that big belly'? Just because 'it can't be helped'? What tripe. Any man that shallow is an arsehole of the highest order

It is ok for anyone to decline sex for any reason. Some men don't fancy their wives heavily pregnant. They get weirded out by there being a baby there. It's not great but it is what it is, attraction is complex. But yeah, an overweight belly is not comparable to a pregnant one.

But when you marry someone, are you really saying 'just so you know, if you become fat, or otherwise unattractive, or sex isn't quite as good any more, I'll no longer be interested in you'?

Is that REALLY acceptable? If so, at least admit you are being a bit shallow

What the OP and fedup and others are describing in relation to sex is in no way insulting and belittling their husbands. It sounds much more like it is the men that are making the pointed digs about sex or lack of it, showing a staggering lack of awareness of the reality of the experience for their partners. These posters have gone out of their way to be careful and sensitive to the husbands feelings. Should they have to “put up” with unpleasant uncomfortable sex and just get on with it for the sake of the other party? Surely they have a right of reply to be open about why it’s not appealing and how that affects them!

No I'm not saying they should put up with uncomfortable sex. But there are nicer ways of dealing with the issue.

You can’t make him.

However. If you’re going to try, I’d really recommend you look at Team RH Fitness on Facebook.

They set calories based on your weight so a big man is going to probably be able to lose weight eating more than 3000 calories a day, which leaves plenty of room for crumpets.

One of the RHs is a man, and there are loads of men in the group. I’d say it’s probably a less intimidating thing all round than SW or WW.

In any case, it makes losing weight seem really achievable.

A Mumsnet thread put me onto it a few months ago and I’m very grateful for it.

Good luck.

OP obviously loves her DH. She has shown concern for his health, prepared meals, organised a gym.
If her DH was killing himself with any other addiction we'd be applauding her actions.
Sex is an important part of a relationship, it can be awkward and restrictive when bodies change.

If the DH was making himself unattractive by addiction to drugs r alcohol then no one would judge the OP for not wasting sex with him.

Addiction to food is unattractive to many people, sorry but it is. I have overweight friends and family and I would never be unkind or even mention someone’s weight, but in my head I’m thinking, “How can you do this to yourself?”

DH’s brother has let himself go terribly. DH has given him lots of encouragement and a pinch of brotherly ribbing and it seems to have helped. It’s about wanting the person you love to have a happy healthy life.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream what are the nicer ways?

Because this lady, who has mentioned sex and appearance yes, but had also mentioned her worries for her husband's heath and her children's! I know you said you weren't trying to be goady, but you've come across massively so - you've crossed the border into plain nasty! Op is here for advice, not to be ripped apart as a person

I think rather than handwringing comparing the dh to a pregnant woman or burns victim tinklys analogy to an addict is much more appropriate.

Honestly people, if the OP didn’t love her DH, she wouldn’t be here asking for advice on how to get her DH to help himself!!! She would be accepting that she is married to someone who has chosen to stuff his face over her and let him get on with killing himself. She might even hurry things along by buying and preparing foods that she knows He wouldn’t be able to resist, and will push him into an even earlier grave! No!!! She is (literally) busting her arse at home preparing healthy meals that he doesn’t appreciate, and then he sabotages by increasing the meal serving size and/or buying shit food! This isn’t about OP being shallow and unsupportive at all. This is about the OP being at her wit’s end trying to help someone who is unwilling to help himself or his marriage. Someone who is unwilling to take responsibility for what he is putting in his mouth, or what the long-term effects that instant gratification is going to cost his body, finances, his family and his marriage.

*when you marry someone, are you really saying 'just so you know, if you become fat, or otherwise unattractive, or sex isn't quite as good any more, I'll no longer be interested in you'?

Is that REALLY acceptable? If so, at least admit you are being a bit shallow*

We aren't saying got fat though. We've all seen the "I gained 3 stone in pregnancy and DH hates me" threads, this is quite different. OP's DH will be morbidly obese. Attraction and libido exist. Not many people would be attracted to a massive gut, the OP is no different.

The addiction comparison is dead on, infact Overeaters Anonymous exists to support people with food addiction.

I hope he shifts into a place of change. But currently I don't think he is, if saying you don't enjoy sex because of his size doesn't motivate him I don't think that there is anything you can say or do to prompt change.

OP I can empathise as I have the same problem with my brother.

He's 40 and has always been compact, I was horrified last time I saw him that he has no energy, has lost confidence and has some adipose fat.

He's very sensitive so I'll approach it from the angle that he needs to get some energy back and won't mention changing body.

Hello all thanks again for the supportive posts. Despite what I’ve put on here dh and still have a lot of love for each other, we’re only 39 & 40 and I genuinely don’t see my life with out him. So the posts about my marriage being dead and get a divorce are way off the mark. We still do cuddle, kiss, rub each other’s feet etc.. I just don’t want us to fall in the friend zone as sexually were off mark.

He is addicted to food. Especially carbs.

There has been loads of good advice and I’ve considered them all. We will get there.

Thanks again

Good luck

Hi op, my dp put on 5 stone a few years ago, and wasn’t as big as some men on this thread, but he was only 21 and it was a huge shock to family/friends. He’d always been slim, fit, and into skinny jeans.
I understand completely about not even recognising them, he grew a huge beard and just looked like a different person.
I’ll admit I never said anything, I was only young myself so just kept saying I still loved and fancied him, and we still had sex but it was quite difficult.

Ultimately the change came from him. We went shopping and the store didn’t have the extra large size he needed and he was so so embarrassed. He wore a shirt for Christmas and his belly fat came through the buttons. He spent the day carrying dd around so no one could see.
He got horrendous stretch marks on his legs and arms which really upset him.
A friend he hadn’t seen in years didn’t recognise him and when they did, called him a fat bastard.

He’d had enough and asked me for help with his diet. He lost the weight very quickly and has kept it off. He found (rare) old photos the other day and said he felt sick, and how did I ever fancy him. He’s just such a sensitive person I never wanted to upset him.

In your case though it does sound like he knows he’s big but isn’t bothered, with the standing there and letting it hang out thing. We just want them to be healthy, and also yes we want to have a good healthy sex life and fancy our partner. I can tell you love him and I’m sure he’ll get there. It’s so hard as you would never want to embarrass someone. I know I should have said something sooner though, not for vanity reasons but his health. He ended up with chest pains and had to go to the GP.