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Original poster

Can I have some advice how to deal with overweight Dh

178 replies

Bathtimebabies · 18/02/2020 19:32

I feel horrible for writing this but I need some help on how to drum home how important it is for dh to lose weight.

I love him dearly and would never leave him but I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore because of his weight.

He is actually really attractive but he is so bloated now his face doesn’t even look like the man I met.

He is a big guy, 6,2 and was never slim but muscular. He’s gotten to 20 stone now from 15 when I met him.

He is just greedy. Over eats. If he is happy - wants a take away, sad - wants a take away, Friday Saturday Sunday - wants a take away.

The GP has told him to lose weight. He loses about 7lbs in a week if he finally can be arsed to eat healthy but then the next week puts it back on and more. Said the scales were broke.

I’ve told him sex feels awkward and uncomfortable for me. His belly is like a nine months pregnant woman’s . We’ve not had sex in three months because of it.

If I don’t cook his food or take his lunch to work he is at the shop buying shit. His weight/diet is not my responsibility and he won’t take ownership of it.

He finds ways of being able to eat out by constantly arranging meals out for work colleagues or friends. His clothes are really tight and tbh I’m sick of buying bigger and bigger clothes whilst he has piles and piles of clothes in his wardrobe.

He pays a gym membership that he never goes to, I’ve told him to cancel it but he won’t as he is ‘always going to go after work’ but never does.

I’ve had three children and managed to keep myself healthy. Why the fuck shouldn’t he? Why does he think it’s ok to do this to yourself?

I feel like I’m really going to snap on him and say something horrible which I really don’t want to but need to say something as this is my red line.

I’m only 40 and don’t want to live with no passion or sex for the rest of my life. How can I put this in to words that won’t upset him.

Thanks

OP posts:
Sonichu · 19/02/2020 16:35

"
His weight isn’t, no. But it IS OPs responsibility to be honest about sex and if she doesn’t want it that’s her right to say so. If sex is now uncomfortable for her and he wants to keep having it then it damn well is his responsibility to sort it out."

So this is the conversation that needs to be had rather than trying to mother him and control what he eats which doesn't work.

Russellbrandshair · 19/02/2020 16:48

So this is the conversation that needs to be had rather than trying to mother him and control what he eats which doesn't work

Totally agree. His weight IS affecting the OP too so it’s a conversation that needs to be had. The idea that it’s none of her business is clearly not true then is it?

MrsJBaptiste · 19/02/2020 16:54

Ok, so if the OP can't 'mother' him and is 'controlling' if she tries to give him healthy food, what can be done if he downright refuses to do anything about his weight?

I would hate it if my DH put on as much weight as the OP describes and I know he'd feel the same too if I was loads bigger than when we met. A few pounds alone might not be too bad but the small clothes, belly hanging out... I'm sure the husband would not be attracted to the OP if she looked like this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weight management
Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 19/02/2020 17:19

No MrsJ he wouldn’t. I feel like it’s the same as if I went out and tattooed my whole face with tribal marks and said ‘rights who’s up for an early night’

It wasn’t what I bought in to.

And I resent that the fact that some how because if this my relationship isn’t ‘deep’ according to some people Confused

fedup when are you going to say it?

OP posts:
Anthia · 19/02/2020 18:06

Such a difficult one but I think the best motivation for him could well be the prospect of a huge boost to your sex life if he loses some weight.

As hard as it is going to be for you to tell him that you just don't enjoy it as much now he's bigger, I think hope and pray this could be the catalyst for change. Got my fingers crossed for you OP!

Geekster1963 · 19/02/2020 19:00

I could have written the same about my DH. I still love him but don’t find him overly attractive anymore. He’s always been a bit on the bigger side but he’s put a lot of weight on. I do worry about his and our future, our DD is nearly 8 and he’s just turned 49 and I’m almost 48 we are older parents (not through choice). He’s had high blood pressure for years and he’s just been diagnosed as type 2 diabetic, he snores too. He managed to lose quite a bit of weight a few years ago and he didn’t need his blood pressure medication so it’s weight related.

I’ve tried to get him to come out for walks with me and DD and to parkrun but he just won’t do any exercise. I think you want to have to do it for yourself I just wish he would.

fedup21 · 19/02/2020 19:09

@Bathtimebabies

I’m not sure. I’m sort of waiting for the right moment-it hasn’t really happened so far. I’m not quite sure when would be bestConfused

Sonichu · 19/02/2020 19:28

"Totally agree. His weight IS affecting the OP too so it’s a conversation that needs to be had. The idea that it’s none of her business is clearly not true then is it?"

Not what I said but ok.

"Ok, so if the OP can't 'mother' him and is 'controlling' if she tries to give him healthy food, what can be done if he downright refuses to do anything about his weight?"

That's OP's husband's problem then isn't it? HE is the only one who can lose the weight and no amount of making him healthy food or asking him to go to the gym will change that.

PeridotTopaz · 19/02/2020 19:29

It's not just the fat that's unattractive, though, is it?

It's the selfishness, the laziness, the fact that he seems entirely comfortable with denying you sexual satisfaction (presumably forever). And he also seems entirely comfortable with the very high probability that you will be stuck nursing a 20-stone diabetic with heart problems during years when you might otherwise have been enjoying yourselves together.

None of this makes for an attractive personality or an enticing future.

FabbyChix · 19/02/2020 19:31

God I feel your pain my ex husband got fat so when we had sex I could feel his belly rubbing against my back I’m sure I got friction burns, or having to lift his belly to give him oral sex total turn off

Patchworkpatty · 19/02/2020 21:13

Bathtimebabies that's why the NHS doesn't do bands anymore. Honestly look at the research by experts in the field. Not hearsay and if know someone's brothers sisters friend' ...
I actually AM one and know 50 more who would never say they regretted it. But yes . Look at the science NOT the hysteria...

delilahbucket · 19/02/2020 21:34

A friend of mine died last week. She was severely overweight and it caught up with her. She was in her early 50's. I think you need to have a frank conversation with him because tight clothes and no sex life is the least of his worries.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/02/2020 21:35

It is an addiction like all addiction it comes before family and future.
If your marriage is going down the swany he needs to deal with it, if it was alcohol or smoking you'd have the conversation.
It is so hard to make they first move but you've done to much to push him, have an honest chat let him decide if he wants to fight his addiction for his marriage.

MotherOfLittlePeople · 19/02/2020 21:36

If he sticks to slimming world he'll soon lose weight. I am on slimming world and really enjoy it. Once you get started but only HE can make the decision too x

Original poster
Bathtimebabies · 19/02/2020 21:48

Patchwork it might be your thing. But asking my husband to have an operation to permanently alter his stomach isn’t mine. He needs to learn how to control his eating and his outlook on it not consign himself to be able to eat three spoonfuls of food and be full for the rest of his life.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 19/02/2020 21:52

Have an honest chat with him about it all- we are all imperfect and maybe if you share the things you struggle with and each have a goal then the focus isn’t all on him. Maybe you could work on something like taking up a new hobby while he tackles his eating and you both talk about what he eats and why he eats it. How does he feel when he eats? What is he hungry for other than food? What were his meals like as a Child- what message is he sending your children? Tackle it together as adults and parents and partners- try not to shame him. Tell him you love him and reassure him if you can- and suggest sexual or fun rewards and other ways to connect during this time.

FagAsh · 19/02/2020 21:56

Ok, bath time, what are his weaknesses?

FagAsh · 19/02/2020 21:57

Do you cook? Does he or is it literally takeaways everyday?

FagAsh · 19/02/2020 21:59

Because I put my husband on a low carb diet and he never clicked. He only had about four inches to lose around his waist, it was gone in a couple of weeks

If your husband is like me, he won’t be able to deal with being deprived, so you need to think what will work. I can eat limitless salmon eggs etc so low carb always works well for me

ginandbearit · 19/02/2020 22:08

Men being the visual types ( usual sexist disclaimers applied😬) get him to look at before and after photos online and insta from Marks Daily Apple and other pages like transformation thursday , intermittent fasting and one meal a day (Omad) feeds . I think Slimming World etc are fine but generally v female focussed though he might enjoy the fuss if he goes .
Also show photos of diabetic feet and amputations ..these a real consequences .

DaphneBucket · 19/02/2020 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaff · 19/02/2020 22:58

If he was undereating would you be trying to encourage him to eat?

What I mean is, this could be an eating disorder and, as with the eating disorder everyone recognises and kind of respects (anorexia), this is just as serious.

Have a look at OA. A lot of men attend OA.

The chances are he leaves his lunch at home on purpose - it is a devious disease.

Cherrysoup · 19/02/2020 23:03

Having been the massively obese person in the marriage, I’ll tell you now, the overweight one needs to be in the right headspace and no matter what you say, if they aren’t, it doesn’t matter what you say, it won’t help. I know that’s deeply unhelpful, sorry, but that’s the way it is.

Food=instant gratification. They can sulk all they like re lack of/reduced sex, but food is an addiction. Unlike most addictions, you can’t live without it, so can’t go cold turkey. 😢

I know the OP is resisting the bariatric surgery, but honestly, I think it’s possibly the only thing that will resolve the issue. Why wouldn’t you want your partner to have this when it might be life saving and they’re resisting other options?

MetallicPaints · 19/02/2020 23:15

I'd put money on the fact that deep down he knows how unattractive he looks, and he almost certainly feels completely miserable about it. Unfortunately the more you push, the more he will dig his heels in. As Cherrysoup says, food is an addiction for some people and you can't just press a switch and make that addiction go away. Believe me, I bet he would if he could, because feeling compelled to overeat whilst knowing what it is doing to your body, your marriage, your sex life, is utterly soul destroying.
There's no easy answer here OP, he may well choose food over you if forced to make that choiceSad

springydaff · 19/02/2020 23:16

... bariatric surgery [is] possibly the only thing that will resolve the issue

No it isn't! I am in recovery for compulsive overeating and I find it heartbreaking that people take such drastic measures to combat the vile disease of compulsive overeating. Heartbreaking, but I recognise the desperation.

I am currently abstinent and have been for nearly 5 years. It hasn't been hard. I do it in OA (linked above). I am slim.