Can I have some advice how to deal with overweight Dh

[Bathtimebabies]

I feel horrible for writing this but I need some help on how to drum home how important it is for dh to lose weight.

I love him dearly and would never leave him but I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore because of his weight.

He is actually really attractive but he is so bloated now his face doesn’t even look like the man I met.

He is a big guy, 6,2 and was never slim but muscular. He’s gotten to 20 stone now from 15 when I met him.

He is just greedy. Over eats. If he is happy - wants a take away, sad - wants a take away, Friday Saturday Sunday - wants a take away.

The GP has told him to lose weight. He loses about 7lbs in a week if he finally can be arsed to eat healthy but then the next week puts it back on and more. Said the scales were broke.

I’ve told him sex feels awkward and uncomfortable for me. His belly is like a nine months pregnant woman’s . We’ve not had sex in three months because of it.

If I don’t cook his food or take his lunch to work he is at the shop buying shit. His weight/diet is not my responsibility and he won’t take ownership of it.

He finds ways of being able to eat out by constantly arranging meals out for work colleagues or friends. His clothes are really tight and tbh I’m sick of buying bigger and bigger clothes whilst he has piles and piles of clothes in his wardrobe.

He pays a gym membership that he never goes to, I’ve told him to cancel it but he won’t as he is ‘always going to go after work’ but never does.

I’ve had three children and managed to keep myself healthy. Why the fuck shouldn’t he? Why does he think it’s ok to do this to yourself?

I feel like I’m really going to snap on him and say something horrible which I really don’t want to but need to say something as this is my red line.

I’m only 40 and don’t want to live with no passion or sex for the rest of my life. How can I put this in to words that won’t upset him.

Thanks

People ask me if he is a heavy drinker-nope it’s all food.

Snap. I’ve got friends with husbands who have a beer belly which is completely different-it’s high up and firm somehow. DH’s stomach hangs low and is just fat.

I’ve gone at it from a-Let’s get fit and lose weight together angle-that didn’t work. I’ve done it from a health point of view (his brother dropped dead at 40 of a heart attack last year-he was also obese)-that didn’t work. I’ve been supportive and suggested new clothes.

The only thing I haven’t done it say, ‘sex is totally unsatisfying and I can’t do this for the rest of our marriage’. I can’t see it going well.

Missy the GP shown him his weight back in 2010 and said it needs to get back down and the 95% of his aches and pains - including really bad hip pains were down to his weight. But no diabetes, cholesterol- fine.

Fedup I told dh that sex was uncomfortable for me and he didn’t take it well it really upset him. So he knows why were not having sex. That’s why it kissed me off when he reminded me how long it’s been since we’ve done it.

I'm in a similar position to you and others who have commented, OP. It's so hard. My DH keeps trying out really restrictive diets that he can't stick to (most recently it was veganism, he's also done gluten free numerous times, and dairy free, and Atkins etc). He sticks to it for at most two weeks and loses a few pounds, then goes on a binge and gains what he lost and more. He is also a member of a really expensive gym but rarely goes, or if he does go just sits in the sauna. I really don't know what to do. I buy healthy food, there is always a good selection of fruit and veg in the fridge as I cook from scratch but he doesn't like most vegetables. I've even had MiL nagging me about it, as if it's my fault! I am slim and quite a serious runner so it's hardly like it's my bad habits rubbing off on him. I also think DH's weight is really affecting his self esteem but he seems unable to make changes. Sorry no advice to share!

OP
My cousin couldve written your post.
Only her husband reached 28 stone
When younger and slimmer, yes he once won sw, slimmer of the year and looked like a young shakin Stephens
He blamed his lack of willpower on his poor childhood. Too many kids, not enough to eat.
His first pay check was spent on a trolley load of food.
He could lose a stone in a week and put it on the following week
We’d go to the harvester and he’d eat 12 of those little loaves before his starter arrived
Sadly he got stage 4 bowel cancer , had chemo and died within a year of diagnosis
I often wondered if his yo yo dieting, days of eating nothing but meat for the Atkins diet didnt help

Not at all fed up..my cousins husband was a lovely, funny, kind man with a big heart
He adored my cousin...but I don’t think sex was at all satisfying for either of them.
Sadly he was just starting to get his weight under control when he got cancer
He was still about 18-19 stone and the embatssing thing was he had to be wheeled into the crem because he was too big to be carried...and wait till you hear this
His cremation fees were more because he was so big

Physical attraction is really important in a marriage.

DH and I have both gained weight and lost it again over the years, and he's often told me he's been worried about what I've been eating. I've lost 4 stone after being diagnosed with T2 diabetes and he's been so supportive, buying me new clothes etc.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Obesity kills people. It's not just a "lifestyle choice" It will send him to an early death, just like smoking, just like alcoholism. There is being a little overweight, and there is dangerous, morbid obesity, and it sounds like he is heading for the second camp.

Call him out on it and tell him it's not acceptable for you anymore, this is what I had to do when my DH would not stop smoking. The choice was, he made serious efforts to change, or our marriage was over. Harsh but necessary.

I told dh that sex was uncomfortable for me and he didn’t take it well it really upset him. So he knows why were not having sex. That’s why it kissed me off when he reminded me how long it’s been since we’ve done it.

I can imagine!

Did he say much when you told him? I’m bracing myself for that conversation. I know he’d like to have it more and I don’t think the stomach thing has occurred to him because it always ends up with me on top anyway which I think he has always much preferred as I think he’s quite lazy!

I need to spell it out, I think.

fedup he just stared at the ceiling. He was in bed. I don’t want him to feel hideous though and that’s why I’ve always took the soft approach. He also calls other people out on being fat! that’s why sometimes I think he is in complete denial.

We had a chat last night and he has promised to go to the gym today but he has left the lunch I prepared in the fridge so I’ll have to take it up.

We’re going to start going to the gym together twice a week from next week.

It’s hard though as his whole family are like this regarding food although none are over weight. His mum however definitely has an eating disorder and will pride herself on only eating one roast potato a day, yet will laden every ones plate with food.

don’t want him to feel hideous though and that’s why I’ve always took the soft approach

Me too but it hasn’t worked.

I’m just sick of looking at vast expanses of flesh. I want him to understand that his eating affects me too. My sex life, my social life. I want to pull my jeans around and walk around in front of his family and friends with my arse crack and stomach on show. Would he find that attractive? Would he be embarrassed?

Is clothing an issue for your DH or does he cover up?

He wouldn’t go to the gym, I know that so it sounds like you’re doing well there.

You do realise you are being really really controlling here.
You are acting like his mother. You have become his mother who we know is a Controller of food and is Highly Anxious about food.
You are now the Controller of Food and Highly Anxious about food.
All day and all night and spending 80% of your thoughts on his food and the What Ifs.
You have taken responsibility for him entirely so he doesn't have to.
Can you see your own part in this?
Bringing his lunch up to him. FFS that's crazy.
Going to the Gym with him to make sure he does it, bloody hell. He needs to do this for him.
Take a completely hands off approach. Stop making his SW meals. Stop looking up diet shit online. It's his fucking life, let him be responsible. You have told him where you stand regarding his weight.

I work with a guy like this. Really handsome, tall and well built. Getting fatter every month because he eats mountains of crap.

It's crossed my mind, if anything happened to him it would take four big lads to lift him. If he got ill his wife couldn't prop him up.

His wardrobe and drawers must be bursting at the seams with the huge clothes he needs. Laundry must be a nightmare.

He needs to see it for himself though. Do his mates notice and take the piss? Men can bd quite brutal about this stuff. Is he sporty at all?

My DH gained about three stone so was never at that point you describe, and he went away on business overseas for six weeks and decided to use that time to overhaul his diet and introduce some exercise. Eight years later he has kept most of it off. I never said anything, I left it to him to decide to address it. He is 55 now and still runs regularly.

Would your DH listen to podcasts? There are some really useful ones that may get through to him e.g. Dr Chatterjee Feel Better Live More and Steve Bennett Fat and Furious.

You can’t force him to lose weight unfortunately, he has to want to do it for himself.

I used to be obese and nobody could have said anything to help me, if anything it would have made me eat more junk. I had to want to lose it myself which I did, I lost all seven stone in a year once I put my mind to it.

If you push him, he will just go the other way and probably get even bigger.

Difficult. Without sounding defeatist, going to the gym is not going to work if he’s chowing down on toast every night and eating a pack of crumpets at work....as they say you can’t outrun a bad diet, 20% exercise 80% diet.

Will he read? Maybe get him a copy of Jason Fung the obesity code, have a look at progress pictures (there are hundreds) on the diet dr website. He may love his carbs, don’t we all, but it’s very unlikely he’ll lose any weight without cutting them right down.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture here. He’s not the man you married and you want a fulfilled sex life, with someone you find attractive.
If he’s not going to seek medical help then you know what you need to do. You have needs and wants and I’d be exactly the same if DH ever got like that.

You’re only 40 and life can be so rich with the right person. Good luck

He needs to know you don't find him attractive, if that isnt the rocket he needs then you are in trouble.

We’re going to start going to the gym together twice a week from next week.

I hardly want to type this because it's such a downer, but that isn't going to touch the sides (pun intended). I know you are almost certainly viewing it as a starting point but when there is no change after several weeks, it will become very demotivating and disheartening.

I don’t want to say this is the only (or best, or even good) option but many years ago I seriously jump started some weight loss using a VLCD meal replacement thing – not slimfast shakes, but one where there were meals you bought for breakfast lunch and dinner, and that was it. Seeing fast results really helped. Unfortunately some life changes meant I didn’t carry on the good work as I transitioned back to normal food, which I severely regret as I think I missed a golden opportunity and have had to work harder to make it up since.

I strongly believe there is an approach for everyone. For some it is WW and chatty clubs. For others it is this type of VLCD. For others it’ll be Huel-type nutrition.

But before all of that, the person has to WANT to change. Does he? Really? If he doesn't, then you are on a hiding to nothing.

fedup yep at dd sports day at school the parents were sat on the grass and dh was stood up - belly hanging out. It was embarrassing. His clothes are skin tight and he will only wear round neck t shirts as anything else is uncomfortable. He literally buys the exact same t shirts from the same place but just going up in size

Namechange he is the man I married - just has got in to a bad spot with over eating and low energy because of the crap he is eating. And no I’m not looking for a better life else where. Our family life is amazing and I’m not walking away because he got fat.

I’ve suggested meal replacements but he refuses and tbf they are shit. I had them when I had the kids and I did lose the weight but it’s miserable. No energy and very early nights.

Regarding his mates saying anything - one did last week. Referred to him as two people as that’s the amount of space he was taking up. I think it bothered him for him to have mentioned it to me. Also years ago - and this is really outing - dh was playing in a sports match and had scored several points over the other team. Ok the other side of the people started shouting ‘you fat b**rd’ to him (I was going mad) but dh just took his top of and pushed his belly out and walked up and down their line ... he won the match.

That’s another thing that bothers me. He is actually ok at a sport and could play ok better teams but because of his weight he is in a shit team and is being took of at half time because he is breathing out of his back side and threatens to quit after every match citing he is getting to old. He is younger than me!

He’s just messaged to say he on the way to the gym. But I know he will just go sit in the sauna. However if he does I’ll not say anything - yet - as I know even getting to the gym is one of the hardest parts!

I used to be obese and nobody could have said anything to help me

This is what concerns me. Is there nothing I can say?

He isn’t happy with his weight, I know that-but he is choosing to eat more rather than lose weight.

If I say-‘right, you are now physically incapable of having normal sex and I don’t want to go on like this’...is that likely to have any impact at all?

*His weight/diet is not my responsibility"

Exactly. Back off*

His weight isn’t, no. But it IS OPs responsibility to be honest about sex and if she doesn’t want it that’s her right to say so. If sex is now uncomfortable for her and he wants to keep having it then it damn well is his responsibility to sort it out.

Fedup Christ DH would melt if I said that the physically incapable bit might be a bit strong but maybe I’m too soft

I agree Russel

Tbh I would be very blunt and tell him the truth about how you feel. Yes it may hurt him but I always think it's best to be honest especially when it's making you feel the way you do. Obviously he may be comfortable this way and that's totally his choice but you need to tell him honestly. If my fiance put on weight I would still fancy him as it goes a lot deeper than weight but I would be very worried about his heath, heart etc.

fantas my relationship with my dh is deep too. That’s why I know I’ll never leave him. Just because he has physically changed so much And don’t find it attractive doesn’t mean I don’t feel deep feelings for him.

Christ DH would melt if I said that grin the physically incapable bit might be a bit strong but maybe I’m too soft grin

No, I prob couldn’t say that either.

Sex really isn’t satisfying though-I think that’s what I need to say.