Dinner guest who won’t eat homemade food

[AnneLovesGilbert]

We’ve got a friend and his partner coming for dinner soon, this is the first time we’ll meet her. She doesn’t eat homemade food at other people’s houses so he suggested a takeaway or ready meals. We can’t go out as we’re rural as there isn’t anywhere close enough and we have a baby.

We love having people over and both really enjoy cooking so I don’t how to approach it. Money is a bit tight and we can only get takeaway from one place. If we got ready meals should I check what they like first? Would providing nibbles before the meal be okay if I open the packets in front of them?

Any advice?

Crikey what a mountain out of a mole hill. Ask for her contact details, give her a ring and get what she can eat sorted.

I can’t believe there are adults on this thread who would deliberately serve her poor quality food in an attempt to make her uncomfortable. Surely people don’t actually do things like this?!

Poor quality food? Do you mean a readymeal, Jacques? It would have been by request . Op’s home cooked food would have been vastly superior, but she wasn’t being denied the chance to partake?

74NewStreet

I was referring to the people suggesting “get her a 99p ready meal” clearly implying that it would be rubbish and it’s all tough if she’s uncomfortable.

Hence far easier just to get her details and speak to her rather than try and do it through the partner.

Mmm... I’m not sure if someone declined my cooking and preferred a ready meal I’d give much of a toss which one it was, tbh.
Arranging to bring your own food if you have dietary issues is fine, but asking for a microwave meal is just bizarre, no matter what excuses you make for the logic behind it.

and meet for lunch out somewhere up near them when they’re ready.

Wouldn't waste the limited money you have to go out with this flakey pair. Just let them drift. They sound like flakes. Lucky escape.

What is unfortunate is that everything is being transmitted through the man, who appears to be certainly socially awkward and probably flakey and unreliable. It sounds as though his partner has some food issues, either always or as a result of the pregnancy. They should have clarified matters, and not expected the OP to read their minds or work in the dark about this (though it may be due to a reluctance to mention the pregnancy at an earlier stage). It might also have been more considerate to propose that she bring her own food - but some hosts would be massively offended by that. I think it is very important to be tolerant of others' dietary restrictions (speaking as someone who has some for medical reasons, and who has occasionally, especially when younger, experienced harsh reactions which hurt me very badly). But it's also important to make it clear to the host exactly what's needed, and to try to cause as little trouble to the hosts as possible. I suspect that the couple, or at least the man, are not taking this visit as seriously as an occasion as the OP is; hence the suggestion of 'just a ready meal'; possibility of cancelling at the last minute, etc.

I think it is very important to be tolerant of others' dietary restrictions (speaking as someone who has some for I 100% agree but suggesting everybody had to eat take away/ready meal was the inconsiderate part. It may well have been the man not the woman who suggested it though, not realising what a slight this appeared to be to the OP's cooking.

Great update, @Annelovesgilbert your answer is a model of restraint that I for one would do well to emulate.

The man sounds a bit clueless. Who says they would wait until the day to decide whether to come? Perhaps he hasn't really understood whatever food and/or pregnancy issues his new GF suffers so is not really in a position to explain them coherently.

Dodged a bullet indeed.

What’s her reason? If it’s fussiness, uninvite then!

If it’s an anxiety issue rather than just rudely implying she fear you my be dirty, she could have asked it to be put forward a different way. I’d probably say “Red has a few food intolerances so will bring a dish with her” then bring a big pot of something I’d made myself to share and just eat that.

Well , that is a far better arrangement now .

When do we get to hear what was served and how exactly she was grilled about her dietary requirements / insecurities?

I had a Jewish friend who gradually became more and more religious and finally food cooked by non-Jews was not acceptable for her, even if the ingredients were kosher (I am Jewish ethnically but not culturally or religiously).
Could this be something similar? For example, the absolute majority of takeaways and ready meals seem to be halal.

If your intending visitor has some dietary problems, such as items in everyday use, that would be dangerous to them and that you might find it difficult to be certain they hadn't been included in the preparation, then they would be well advised to provide their own food, alternatively I'd tell them to eat before they visited and watch us as we tucked in!

Why don't posters read the OP's updates FFS?

She may have some sort of eversion to certain foods. My child has Sensory Processing Disorder which really effects the way he eats and what he eats. I appreciate you have a baby. As you are meeting her for the first time give her a break and buy the take away or let her pay. She won't mind at all - bet they could pick up on the way to you to save you the trouble and her the hassle of having to face eating something she'd prefer not too. Sometimes we have to look outside the box. They will be a reason she may not like home cooked foods. I'd rather a guest feel comfortable when coming to my home and it would save you the hassle.

I’m a fairly straightforward person (Some would say blunt) . If I was put in a weird situation by my close friend like this I would have to be direct.

If a ‘come for dinner at ours?’ Is accepted , then I’m cooking dinner...
If my friends new partner had a ‘thing about home cooked food in other peoples houses’ the reply should of been , thanks for invite to dinner - but this time shall we all go out to eat at restaurant because ‘new partner’ has a thing about food.

It’s a shame that you have been given this worry/ problem/ stress - when all you wanted was to host your friend & new partner.
Now it’s just weird - friend has made his problem, your problem .

Ask them to bring her food and you will cook for the rest . Explain as you are rural, money tight and baby you prefer to make food and is she can kindly bring something suitable for her to eat . Also ask if it's an allergy as you don't understand the dislike if home cooked food. Don't be forced in to spending money on treats that you don't want . Save it for nearest and dearest. X

Tell her thats no problem at all. Just to bring with her whatever she wants to eat as there is no where near you thats suitable to order from. Make something for the rest of you that smells gorgeous!

Well there’s a twist I didn’t expect!

OP you sound like a lovely host.

@Ginfordinner indeed.

'I think it is very important to be tolerant of others' dietary restrictions (speaking as someone who has some for* I 100% agree but suggesting everybody had to eat take away/ready meal was the inconsiderate part. It may well have been the man not the woman who suggested it though, not realising what a slight this appeared to be to the OP's cooking.'

It seems to be the man who has dealt, not very well, with all the communications. He may, however, have thought he was reducing the strain on the hosts by NOT requiring them to cook especially for them. He does seem to be very clueless about communications.

It is really the suggestion that they could just decide or not come on the day that would have put me off!

'If it is fussiness, uninvite them'.

THAT (and I realize it doesnt come from the OP) is the sort of attitude that can be hurtful to people with any sort of eating difficulties. There may be medical reasons which are not fully diagnosed (until my Crohns was diagnosed, which took several years, people often thought I was just a fussy eater); or which people are uncomfortable about discussing, like early pregnancy as may be the case here; and not everyone is comfortable about disclosing all their bowel and digestive issues to a near-stranger or indeed with receiving such disclosures.

In any case, even strong food aversions should be accepted, though the guest should be prepared to bring food along rather than demand that everyone should only eat what they can eat.

If it goes beyond 'fussiness' to an actual distrust of the host's hygiene in comparison to ready-meals, I would agree that this is rude.

One thing that I might suggest with regard to guests with food difficulties - though the current issue seems to have been resolved- is that perhaps invitations could be made for morning coffee or afternoon tea rather than a big meal. Then biscuits, sandwiches and/or cake could be made available, but without the same actual or perceived pressures for everyone to eat everything provided, or for the host to provide the perfect meal.

My friends husband is like this, eats homemade at home and would never eat a ready meal but will not eat even a bacon butty and someone else’s house. It is because he is used to top quality and thinks others may buy lesser quality meat/veg or use frozen. When they visit it is for 2 or 3 days so that is a lot of eating out, or he just doesn’t eat - says he’s not hungry

Has she got any food allergies ie peanuts or perhaps a coeliac where a tiny grain of wheat rye or gluten could make her very ill... have you asked why she trusts a restaurant but not you. Failing that she has an eating disorder or just odd

I actually can’t eat homemade food cooked by other people, in fact I can’t even eat sandwiches/toast made by my DH I have an awful gag reflex, I think it started from going to my great grandmother’s house as a kid & she wasn’t the cleanest, she had a parrot & dog, the house stunk of trill & wet dog & it really would turn my stomach, I also had a friend whose dog would go in the fridge & eat the sandwich meat, then there is my MIL who would let her cat lick the butter from the butter dish & I saw her once pick off mould from the bread she was serving us!