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Original poster

Dinner guest who won’t eat homemade food

571 replies

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2020 18:00

We’ve got a friend and his partner coming for dinner soon, this is the first time we’ll meet her. She doesn’t eat homemade food at other people’s houses so he suggested a takeaway or ready meals. We can’t go out as we’re rural as there isn’t anywhere close enough and we have a baby.

We love having people over and both really enjoy cooking so I don’t how to approach it. Money is a bit tight and we can only get takeaway from one place. If we got ready meals should I check what they like first? Would providing nibbles before the meal be okay if I open the packets in front of them?

Any advice?

OP posts:
SewItGoes · 11/02/2020 23:54

...Sorry if it offends, but it is weird to say you (or someone you're speaking on behalf of) won't eat homemade food at anyone else's house and to give no reason for that (no details to help you be certain you'll choose something that this person will/can eat).

Yes, that's weird. Lots of human behaviours are weird, though. It's not the end of the world to be accused of weirdness.

As for the woman having not spoken, etc., we only have the friend's word to go on. It's possible he's blown things out of proportion, and that she'll be embarrassed and say that anything OP cooked would've been fine, but presumably her partner knows her fairly well. Why would he lie about her eating habits and preferences?

SleightOfMind · 12/02/2020 00:06

What did your friend say when you asked for clarification?
This is the kind of brilliant insanity Mumsnet does so well but back in real life, you want everyone to have a lovely time and don’t have enough info to make that happen.

Spartak · 12/02/2020 00:12

Sod pandering to her. I'd buy a couple of pot noodles in different flavours and point her in the direction of the kettle.

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General relationships
SallySun123 · 12/02/2020 00:25

No harm in asking for a bit more information so you can make sure your guest is catered for. She obviously has food anxiety issues but is willing to get out and socialise anyway, this woman should be commended not vilified.

FraglesRock · 12/02/2020 00:53

I'd make a lasagna for 4 and buy a ready meal lasagna that can go in the oven at the same time.
Salad and garlic bread.

I think if she's got an issue then she'll be pleased you bought her some food. No reason why anyone else should have a crappy meal.

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 12/02/2020 00:57

Ask them to bring their food!

EuroMillionsWinner · 12/02/2020 01:29

This is Planet MN at its finest. You can't afford a takeaway but suggestions of going Dutch on a takeaway (with drinks and nibbles), Waitrose and M&S (when you've stated you are rural) and Cook (£££). You have NO microwave. You don't have a lot of money. You live in a rural area. Just message him back, 'Sorry, was a bit caught off guard there. Our finances are restricted. We cannot extend to a takeaway and we don't use ready meals and have no microwave. Please let us know if your girlfriend would prefer to bring her own food or what to do as we're a bit flummoxed on how to serve her. Thanks.x'

curiousierandcouriser · 12/02/2020 01:41

@OopsPregnantAgain, I'm really wondering why you haven't just contacted DH's colleague again for more specific information. There is so much speculation going on in this thread that could really be solved by a quick message / chat with him. For all we know, supermarket pizza is also a "no-no". Its quite possible that you will go to the effort of preparing a "supermarket / ready meal" for everyone but do something "wrong", resulting in her not eating, everyone else eating non-home cooked food and awkwardness all around.

Just by-pass this and ask.

blondiebrowneyes · 12/02/2020 01:42

I know someone who will eat takeaways but has a supply of paper plates and plastic cutlery to eat them with so they don't contaminate her kitchenware. The world is full of oddballs.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 12/02/2020 02:46

If she is worried about hygiene I'd expect her to avoid eating with you at all, so not coming over for a meal (or will she bring her own cutlery and plate?) If it's allergies I'd expect them to tell you about the problem foods in detail (e.g. gluten). Since they haven't done this, and have not been specific about the type of ready meal or takeaway, I really don't think I'd feel comfortable just choosing something. If probably ask your friend specifically what the situation is, and depending on the answer, suggest that she brings her own food and you cook as normal for the rest of you. If she really does have any sort of anxiety about food she'd probably be happier doing that anyway, and it's better than you wondering whether or not the food you've chosen is OK. The point at which you are asking yourself whether you can wash and prepare a side salad, or need to buy bags of the stuff is surely a wakeup call that you're trying to find a solution to an undefined problem.

HeronLanyon · 12/02/2020 02:59

At first blush this seems odd and rude. Odd that friend didn’t explain.
There could be really good reason like allergy but the fact the friend didn’t explain makes me think some kind of phobia or similar might be involved (and he didn’t wish to disclose this etc).
I’d phone back and ask what the best thing is. Ask whether she would like to bring her own food (if this is something she does regularly) or if not ask for help with what she would like !

I personally would very likely suggest cancelling having them round and suggest going out for dinner. Shame as you enjoy cooking etc but this sounds too messy when there’s a great simple alternative.

Cyberve · 12/02/2020 05:58

I would just uninvited them to be honest. Its too much hassle.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/02/2020 06:56

I don't think there is any need to get stressed. Ask what her favourite ready meal is and cook for everyone else.

Ginfordinner · 12/02/2020 07:26

It's the age old problem again here where the simple answer is to ask instead of having multiple pages of speculation.

redcarbluecar · 12/02/2020 07:35

@ginfordinner, it’s bizarre isn’t it! It seems to me that there are two options here 1. Decide it’s too much trouble and uninvite them or 2. Ask what she’d like and get that. In between there seems to be this mad passive aggressive option involving buying Pot Noodles and/or snippily saying you can’t afford a takeaway, whilst speculating and making assumptions about the tastes, manners and mental health of someone you’ve never even met.

Russellbrandshair · 12/02/2020 07:40

Sod pandering to her. I'd buy a couple of pot noodles in different flavours and point her in the direction of the kettle

😆 this is like a peep show sketch

BercowsFlyingFlamingo · 12/02/2020 07:48

This thread has spiked my anxiety as this is my idea of a nightmare. Perhaps if she is a new gf she's trying to please her bf and you by accepting the invitation. I'd have done this years ago as I'd worry about being rude and refusing the invitation. However now I'd politely decline the invitation as I just couldn't cope. The issues are mine and I wouldn't inflict myself on others now.
Anxiety and eating disorders and ASD (in my case) don't follow logic and she'll most likely know how daft she might seem but be unable to overcome it. I'm veggie too and have massive contamination issues. It sucks.

Onceuponatimethen · 12/02/2020 07:57

@BercowsFlyingFlamingo I’m really sorry this discussion has upset you BUT if just one person is more understanding towards people with restricted diets having read comments like yours then that will be a really good outcome Flowers

Rottnest · 12/02/2020 08:21

this lady probably has a psychological condition, so I would allow her to bring her own food and just cook a good meal for everybody else. Frankly I would not provide an extra takeaway, what a waste, if she is comfortable with her own food, just allow her the space to enjoy it and everybody else can just get on with it. Good luck!

Butterymuffin · 12/02/2020 08:22

OP has a baby so the going out for dinner plan may not work for them. It isn't fair to ask the hosts to do something difficult or unaffordable for them either.

@EuroMillionsWinner had the best suggestion

message him back, 'Sorry, was a bit caught off guard there. Our finances are restricted. We cannot extend to a takeaway and we don't use ready meals and have no microwave. Please let us know if your girlfriend would prefer to bring her own food or what to do as we're a bit flummoxed on how to serve her. Thanks.x'

Rottnest · 12/02/2020 08:24

Sorry, what I meant to say was, just allow her space to eat her food without judgement etc.

fishonabicycle · 12/02/2020 08:49

I think the reason why people are a bit 'huh?' is because she obviously doesn't have any allergies or intolerances - as any random ready meal or takeaway will do. It just feels weird that she will eat any old shite from a scuzzy takeout or factory.

redcarbluecar · 12/02/2020 08:51

@Buttery, that message can be condensed into fewer words. ‘Don’t come. It’s too much trouble and you’re not welcome’.

Original poster
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2020 09:08

Of course she’s welcome. This thread was me asking fo advice on how to accommodate her needs. At no point have I been shitty about it or created drama.

Plenty of people have offered good suggestions, for which thank you, but it’s moot now as they’re not coming.

I messaged him this morning to ask for which ready meals she likes and he’s replied not answering that but saying that she’s pregnant, not feeling well some of the time and they’ll decide on the day if they can come. I said congratulations, sorry she’s not well, it’s not going to work making plans with such short notice so let’s reschedule in the hope she’s feeling better soon and suggesting we save them the travel and a late night and meet for lunch out somewhere up near them when they’re ready.

OP posts:
Hepsibar · 12/02/2020 09:17

Yes I agree with Pipandmum. If she wants to bring her own food that's fine you wont be insulted.

You could raise the subject with her in advance ... "I wont be insulted if you dont like our food which is a lot homemade, so if you want to bring some ready meals that's fine" ...