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Dinner guest who won’t eat homemade food

571 replies

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2020 18:00

We’ve got a friend and his partner coming for dinner soon, this is the first time we’ll meet her. She doesn’t eat homemade food at other people’s houses so he suggested a takeaway or ready meals. We can’t go out as we’re rural as there isn’t anywhere close enough and we have a baby.

We love having people over and both really enjoy cooking so I don’t how to approach it. Money is a bit tight and we can only get takeaway from one place. If we got ready meals should I check what they like first? Would providing nibbles before the meal be okay if I open the packets in front of them?

Any advice?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2020 20:12

Does she think your house is dirty or something?

Maybe. Neither of them has been here before. It’s not but they won’t know what to expect I guess.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 11/02/2020 20:12

How can it possibly be a food allergy when she would have no control over allergens from a random takeaway.

HavenDilemma · 11/02/2020 20:12

@Elouera 'sorry, we only eat healthy, home-cooked meals, so I don't know how to serve something processed like this!'

Not all ready meals are processed love! Some are just batch cooked meals made from pretty decent, fresh ingredients. Frozen doesn't automatically make food 'processed' Hmm In fact, vegetables which have been frozen within an hour of being picked (Birds Eye for example) has been proven to be far healthier & loads more nutritious than veg that has been sat under the bright lights of a shop for at least 3 days, if not more!

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IrmaFayLear · 11/02/2020 20:13

It can't possibly be an allergy if you'll eat any "takeaway". If you had a real allergy a random takeaway from an unknown place would be the absolute last thing you'd dare to eat.

marns · 11/02/2020 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SixesandEights · 11/02/2020 20:15

@carriemathisonshandbag @Onceuponatimethen

I can make a smooth soup lunch at home, or have smooth soup out, which would be my only ways of eating socially.

If I was inviting folk round and someone had an issue, I'd be really pleased and interested in finding ways to make them feel included and to ensure they had a really nice time. I understand these things can be very debilitating and I would want them to feel I was a sympathetic person they could trust with their worries about food.

My first thought if someone asked for something different would in no way resemble any of the thoughtless to nasty things said on this thread.

crystal1717 · 11/02/2020 20:16

**"To be honest I'm inclined to think that if she won't eat homemade food in other people's houses, then she should just refuse invitations where this would be expected."

That's not fair. And very anti mental health.
So she should never have social life? It would make it worse if she always had to decline invites. I'm glad we included people back in the day and I'm proud of OP for accommodating this.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 11/02/2020 20:16

She's a cheeky mare but the co op have a good offer on at the mo under the valentine dining meal.

2 meals, 2 sides and 2 puds for £6........getting two sets of that will probably work out cheaper than cooking 💁🏻‍♀️

Undies1990 · 11/02/2020 20:18

Agreed, it can't be an allergy if she's prepared to eat a random takeaway or ready meal. If it's an OCD/cleanliness issue, I'd steer WELL away from most takeaways!

Anyway, I'd probably encourage her to bring her own food to be honest. What a faf otherwise!

B0bbin · 11/02/2020 20:22

If she's got OCD, serious intolerances or allergies then I think it's fair enough. I'm coeliac and I'm so so nervous about eating at homes of friends and family. As much as you explain it to people, there's always chance of cross- contamination or a splash of sauce containing barley or stock cube with wheat/ gluten in. The result can be agonising pain and a noticably weaker immune system for weeks, not to mention toilet- trouble for a week. Saying that, I usually explain about hidden ingredients now and would explain as politely as possible if going to a dinner party. I love cooking for others and hosting, but I think I'd understand if someone wanted to avoid illness and politely asked for ready meal.
Did she have a reason?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2020 20:22

Are you a dreadful cook and word has got back?

Who admits to that?! Wink

OP posts:
McCanne · 11/02/2020 20:23

I would cut out the DH, ask for her contact details, give her a phone and just ask her what she usually does when she stays at someone else’s home. A two minute call and sort it out between you (and maybe get the reason).

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2020 20:23

Why take offence when there's no need

Didn’t realise I had?

OP posts:
saraclara · 11/02/2020 20:24

Why are people STILL calling her rude and demanding, when it was HER PARTNER who asked for this.
I'm appalled at the attitudes on here. The woman clearly has a problem, and for all we know, maybe she DOES normally not accept dinner invitations. Maybe she knows that it's important to her partner that she comes along to this one to meet his friends.

I wonder if she’d have phrased it differently if she was talking to the OP direct though. There have been quite a few times when I’ve said something to DP like “can you tell your dad I’m really sorry but we can’t do Wednesday afternoon, I have to take DD for her jabs in the morning and she’ll be really grumpy. Sunday would be great though!” and he will literally just text his dad “riotlady says Wednesday is no good”

Exactly. I still think she'd have put it differently and maybe offered to bring something, if she'd been the one to talk to the OP.

Butterymuffin · 11/02/2020 20:26

@IrmaFayLear is right, though, the guests should be trying to be polite and should offer to bring a ready meal or takeaway with them, not expect their hosts to jump to it.

Dolorabelle · 11/02/2020 20:26

This thread makes me sad. My sister is he same re food that she hasn’t cooked herself. She has crippling, life-affecting OCD, she’s not just being awkward

But this prospective guest will eat a takeaway. I suspect that someone with crippling anxiety, OCD or concerns about what’s in food would be even less happy with a takeaway than food cooked by friends.

JosefKeller · 11/02/2020 20:27

Why are people STILL calling her rude and demanding, when it was HER PARTNER who asked for this.

whoever asks for a take-away or ready meal when invited as a guest is very rude. Better now?

PrincessHoneysuckle · 11/02/2020 20:27

I wonder if it's because she has a high opinion of her own cooking and thinks anyone elses wont compareGrin

EhWhatPardon · 11/02/2020 20:29

I have this exact anxiety as a legacy of an eating disorder. I cant eat food if I see someone else touching it (fucking weird I know). This includes my kids, mother etc..just cant do it. I can eat from a takeaway as I dont see them handling it etc...even more weird!

I be more than happy to bring my own food as long as my host weren't offended. I normally just quickly explain I have "food issues" and leave it at that.

Pollaidh · 11/02/2020 20:30

If you've got an extremely weak immune system, as in neutropenic, sometimes you're advised only to eat commercially prepared food, but I don't think a takeaway would fit, as I'd imagine that's higher risk than a supermarket ready meal or pizza prepared in sterile conditions.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2020 20:32

the guest is expecting ready MEALS not one ready meal for just her.

That’s exactly what I was thinking. Hadn’t occurred to me to do her something different and it’s only them and us so a takeaway would be quite pricey and we don’t have a microwave so I wasn’t sure where to start with ready meals. But lasagne, pizza, bagged salad, snacks still in packets etc are all good ideas and it’ll be fine Smile

I haven’t said she’s weird, or got offended she suspects me or my kitchen of poisoning potential. I’m sure she’s very nice and he was too brief in his request, a bit more of steer from him would have helped but my fault for replying it was fine without getting specifics.

OP posts:
ChicChicChicChiclana · 11/02/2020 20:32

I think rescind the dinner invitation and think of something else to do instead.

JamesBlonde1 · 11/02/2020 20:33

What a way to live a life. Tell her to bring her own food and suggest she has counselling. Should improve her quality of life no end. You'd think the male friend would be embarrassed as hell.

Brefugee · 11/02/2020 20:33

bloody hell I couldn't be bothered with this. I'd tell her to bring something and everyone else can have what I cook.

You're a lot more patient and accommodating than me, OP

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 11/02/2020 20:33

Okay so I have a friend with something like this.

They will only eat frozen food and takeaway. Basically chip type stuff.

It is an anxiety thing, she has real difficulties with textures, and as a result has a very restricted diet. With a takeaway providing you go for something basic then you know exactly what you are getting, same with a ready meal. Homemade food varies so much, she has no control and this panics her - its sort of fear of the unknown and fear and embarrassment of their own reaction if it's food they can't cope with.

My friend used to go round people's houses and they would cook for her, she would force the food down to the point of vommiting and this has created huge anxietys for them around people's cooking. At least with a takeaway or ready meal you aren't offending someone so much when you don't eat it as well.

This is something my friend is quite embarrassed about, not something she would share easily, a massive part of the anxiety is the embarrassment around her restrictive diet. A little empathy goes a long way, a ready meal isn't really any effort and realistically a 2.50 ready meal is roughly what a portion of homemade food would cost. I think some people on this thread are coming across really poorly

It doesn't take much to imagine why someone might have these restrictions, anxieties aren't rational. Especially if someone is embarrassed about their anxiety/food issues providing something they can eat just helps make it seem a bit less 'odd' (which is how my friend feels) help them feel a bit less embarrassed.

I obviously don't know if this woman has similar anxieties to my friend. But for the sake of a ready meal I would just suck it up. Message your friend and ask what sort of ready meal they would eat and go from there.