I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

[Lhia29]

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

Thank you. I slept much better. Dreading getting up and H still being around but I enjoyed that little bit of respite.

Last night will be your whole life soon enough - doing what you want when you want with nobody trying to touch you when you don't want to be.

How is your morning going?

It's going OK thanks. Spent an hour on the phone to some bailiffs I paid off a year ago as I needed proof of payment because the people I owed are denying I ever paid it. I'm trying to sort out all my financial stuff. I changed the password and email for the Internet account which h was paying. So I have access and can pay the bill when he goes. Stuff like that.

It's a lovely day outside here. Youngest is off to nursery at 12 but at the moment he's really cross. He's non verbal so gets very frustrated sometimes. But our pushchair has a flat tyre so I'm buying a new one tomorrow when I get paid and just sorting out all these kinds of details. It's distracting me quite well too!

The news has filtered to friends and family so there's messages from people asking what's happened and saying we seemed so perfect. I don't plan on bad mouthing him per se so Im not saying much. Just that I fell out of love and we had a few things going on. It's sad because there's kids involved but I'm doing the right thing.

The way I see it Im the one ending it, yes, but he's the reason why. I'm not perfect but I know in my heart I treated him better than he treated me and he did some dodgy sh** towards me.

That's going to secretly keep my going.

*me

Well done OP. Decisive action. And you describing your first night alone as bliss. Woohoo for you!

I think your plan to give him til the end of the week to sort accommodation sounds sensible if he has relatives who can put him up until he rents a room or flat somewhere. Stick to your guns about this because he won't believe you, he won't accept it is over and he will continue to trample on your boundaries. Because that is who he is.

As for people not understanding why you've split up, firstly none of their business, secondly who cares what they think, and thirdly if you really want to say something just say "he is an arse". That is reason enough without delving into any detail.

Have you told the DC yet? Mine reacted by saying how glad they were that I had finally done it. Your older boy might be glad that the atmosphere in the house is going to improve, his mum is going to be happy and free and fun again!

Regarding other people's questions - just have a few prepared answers such as "relationships are complicated". If you say something about how you have fallen out of love, you might be inadvertently inviting comments about sticking through the early years, life with young children being hard, maybe you have pnd... You need a phrase that shuts down any further comments or questions.

That's a good one thanks.

You didn’t just fall out of love, though - he completely ignored your boundaries and behaved badly towards you and that eroded the love. I agree not to say anything which inadvertently suggests you are at fault. No-one needs an explanation, aside from the people you choose to tell.

Yeah I don't want to give too much away but I also don't want to be the bad guy. So I think that approach is best. They can guess the rest. My close friends know exactly what's happened now and that's all I really care about.

Messages like this might do the trick.

"Not as perfect as you think! We have had problems for a long while, we just don't like to air our dirty laundry in public. We are definitely divorcing and so right now we are trying to get to a better place as quickly and cleanly as possible. Thanks for thinking of us x"

Thank you. I've said pretty much that. That things weren't great for a while and it always looks different on the outside. It's true for any relationship, yknow.

Just got notified by email that h will get the first divorce paper thing to sign in a couple of days. So the ball is rolling. He might contest the unreasonable behaviour but he's skint so I doubt it.

Well done 👍

He's out at a club thing. He messaged me saying he's sleeping in the bed tonight. So I snapped and just did it via message. I said he has until Sunday to get out. I don't plan on being hostile and I'm doing it because I need to do it for myself. He has to respect that or I'll call the police.

I'm dreading him coming home. This will anger him far more than the seperation.

Can you bar the bedroom door?

Is the club thing a drinking thing? Might he have been with people who would have wound him up to sending that text saying he will sleep in the bed irrespective of what you want?

You don't have to talk to him when he gets home do you? Can you avoid so you don't see whatever anger there is?

I can't unfortunately and now I have to wait to see how he is so I can sleep. But at least he knows. Not how I planned it but I snapped. I have a lockable toilet and bathroom if I need it.

He's not drinking. It's a old school game thing. Hell be back in an hour or so.

I don't want to lock myself in the bathroom and leave the kids in their room. Feels wrong. He'll demand to brush his teeth too and whatever bullshit and wake the kids up.

He's read it.

What do you think he will do when he gets home?

I honestly don't know. I have my phone on me and will keep it close. He said he's coming home. Didn't respond anything else. I imagine he'll want to "discuss" it though there's nothing to be said. I hope thats all though and he doesn't go off. This is more final than me just saying we're over.

What else did your message say?