I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

[Lhia29]

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

Hi OP, just wanted to let you know. Your housing association should also have a DV policy if you need further help. I'm HA and mine has a whole load of assistance in these types of situations.

I've come to this thread very late! But I'm glad to see you've told him to leave. Don't hesitate to contact the police if you need to. Please don't feel guilty for any of this. If things escalate that will be down to him not you.

Got back from my morning saga and said to h I think he should live with his brother. He's crying again and said he can't leave his boys. I do feel for him and I don't want things to be hostile going forward with him seeing the kids. But I also can't stand how tense the house is right now and quite selfishly I want him out.

I wonder if they can expedite that within their DV policy?

The policeman said there safe guaeding report will go to social services which the HA will be able to see so I can prove I spoke to them and that there's been trouble.

*guarding

They also gave me some numbers to call for 2 charities that provide lots of help to get quick occupation orders and non molestation orders. So that if he wont leave they have the power to instantly arrest him.

Excellent. Sounds like a very helpful meeting with them

Well done lhia, you must be exhausted. Remember to look after yourself, try to get rest and good food.

I just caught a little doze while the kids are both at school and nursery. I'm going to try and actually sleep tonight!

Well done, you’ve come so far so quickly. If you have the time and energy today, I would call those two charities and get the process started. That way all the different parties can cross reference each other and hopefully get him out more quickly than 10 days.

Also, stop feeling sorry for him. He’s brought this on himself by being abusive. He’s only trying to manipulate you. Also keep in mind that the longer he stays, the more violent he may become. He needs to be out of there pronto.

He's going out tonight so at least I'll be alone.

I'm going to rest up tonight and call the numbers I was given tomorrow. I've done a lot today mentally and I'm exhausted.

I'm worried they won't grant an occupation order because his behaviour is just on my say so and I don't remember times or dates. Just roughly when. But I'll call them anyway and explain it all.

The initial divorce papers will be through any day so I'm going to say if he doesn't sign them to get it started that I'll kick him out. And then kick him out anyway. Bit ruthless but if he's going to make it difficult I want out as fast as possible. I don't want to wait 2 years.

I'm not sure I would bargain with him and let him think he can stay. The divorce papers are less important than getting him out in my opinion.

Try to keep the momentum going now. I know from experience the energy it takes to make all these changes and when I have stopped for whatever reason it's really hard to build up the reserves again to keep moving forward. Sometimes it just felt easier to just let things continue, as bad as they were. Absolutely no regrets now though that I am in the other side of it all.

Thanks for that input. I'll think about it overnight before I decide tomorrow. I'll def be trying to low key get an occupation order.

You can still get divorced even if he doesn’t sign the papers. If you can prove he’s received them you can’t apply for the decree Nisi.

This is domestic abuse, you should be able to get legal aid. If he refuses to cooperate, look into getting legal aid and getting a solicitor to sort out the divorce.

Is he going to be drinking when he is out tonight?

That should say you can apply for a decree nisi.

My solicitor did that when ex refused to sign papers he had them served on him and the server then sent a letter saying he’d served the papers.

He will be drinking, yes. He's going for a pint with his younger brother. Not the brother who's wife (my sister in law) told me about his ex.

Thanks for the advice about the decree nisi.

He's not that emotional today or being too shitty because he still seems to think hes staying here another six months. He has no idea yet that I spoke to police or have been looking at all these options.

I'm covering my tracks for safety and less hassle until I take it to the next level.

Be careful.

You are used to minimising his behaviour, which makes this a doubly dangerous time as you will be inclined to make wrong judgements about the risks. You see on here all the time stories of "I never thought he would ..."

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

Good luck.

Thank you Torktork

He's just left. I'm daydreaming about bolting the doors so he can't get back in. If he didn't have keys on him I'd seriously consider it. He's switched and has been positive all day and a bit too close at times personal space wise (he leant on me when we were on the sofa watching DS and I had to tell him to get off and he keeps going to kiss me on the way out of a room then remembering he can't do that now).

Well, why can't you bolt the doors? The police have already told you that he doesn't have a right to stay there.

That's not being antagonistic by the way, just trying to look at it as a shift in perspective.

Because he can unlock the back door with his keys and I can't afford to replace the locks until Friday of it comes to that. And it's freezing so he won't give up. He'd just bang on the door and disturb the kids. Theres no gaurentee the police would be much help either because there's no order in place. I also haven't yet said "you have to leave" just that I think he should.

If the boys weren't here though I definitely would just take the cowards way out and lock him out. He has no right to get back in and I won't withold his possessions or anything.