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My longest friend not invited me to her wedding?

233 replies

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:01

I want to try and get as much background in as possible without ranting on. Also NC as I’m not sure if friend is on MN.

Been friends since age 9/10, all through secondary school and even afterwards we would meet at least once a month. Both 32 now. She met her soon to be DH 7 years ago and they had a 4 year old DS. I’m a single mum with a 3 year old DD.

Since we had kids we met up more often as we had even more in common, we haven’t had any massive arguments ever, only small disagreements here and there as you would expect from a long friendship.

She always says she feels lonely, she has one other friend besides me who she has know since college and they meet up about once a month too. This friend has a DD 2 years old.

She complains she is unhappy and bored with her current set up at the moment. She is renting in a very cut off village, doesn’t drive, doesn’t have a lot of spare cash to get the bus and is angry that people don’t come to see her much. She wants to buy a house but can’t afford to save for a deposit.

A few of our recent disagreements have been over things like she can’t afford the bus to the town centre (15 min bus ride) and is annoyed I can’t drive to her village (30 min drive for me and I am a single mum who really can’t afford the petrol) I try to reason with her but in the last 5 years she seems to be increasingly angry at the world and blames everyone for not being able to get a mortgage or save or learn to drive etc

I try to meet her as much as I can. But sometimes it is impossible for me.

So on Monday we met in a cafe and she told me her and her DP are getting married in 2 months time. I was over the moon for her and said how exciting it was.

She said it wasn’t going to be a huge wedding, it was going to be at the registry office and then her mum was doing a buffet at her house afterwards, she said she can’t really afford a big wedding. Fair enough it’s her day.

She then says it’s going to be a very small wedding, infact only really close family like her mum dad and siblings, then some of her DPs.

I assume that I’m not invited to the registry part, fine though, if she wants an intimate private wedding.

She then goes on to say DP is inviting 3 of his work mates (has known them about a year) and she is inviting her other friend (the college one) and her new boyfriend.

She said the buffet afterward would just be the same people from the ceremony.

At the time I didn’t say anything about being invited as I was a little shocked and didn’t know how to word it without coming across as rude.

I’m really baffled and confused about why my oldest friend has not even invited me to the buffet afterwards. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish, after all it’s her big day and they should get to celebrate it how and with who they want.

I just feel weird that she has invited her other friend and her partner, then invited her soon to be DHs work mates, but not me. Perhaps she has an issue with me although I’m not sure what it is.

If I’m being a selfish cow then please tell me Grin I just feel a little upset that I won’t get to celebrate her big day with her. We would always talk about it when we were teenagers, the whole “I’m definately having you as my bridesmaid!” Thing.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 06/02/2020 17:59

Definitely no gift! Just let the friendship die away, there's really nothing left of it now anyway and it doesn't sound like it was giving you much back.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 06/02/2020 17:59

Definitely no gift! Just let the friendship die away, there's really nothing left of it now anyway and it doesn't sound like it was giving you much back.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 06/02/2020 18:00

Definitely no gift! Just let the friendship die away, there's really nothing left of it now anyway and it doesn't sound like it was giving you much back.

cavalier · 06/02/2020 18:04

This friend sounds like she is playing a game and hurting you for sure
Play it by ear ... don’t do anything rash ... just gradually phase her out... life is just to short to entertain that kind of toxic behaviour
It her wedding ... I mean ... work mates over her friend of many years ? .... she’s dropping you a massive hint and rubbing your nose in .... I would de clutter if I was you .... I have done already pretty much .. my family are my priority .. been let down badly too many times

Tistheseason17 · 06/02/2020 18:04

Jeez, OP, listen to your mum. This friend is a user - don't let yourself get used anymore!

Jeeperscreepers69 · 06/02/2020 18:55

Just ask her right now. Text her. Am i coming to your wedding or not?

angelfacecuti75 · 06/02/2020 19:02

Are kids gonna be allowed (just a thought...) as a lot of weddings I've been to lately haven't had any....her mum or some other person might be looking after the kid...

CameFromAway · 06/02/2020 19:14

I didn't invite a friend I spent a lot of time with - not a friend of long-standing relationship, only about 2 years - and I felt awful about it. 16 years on and I feel guilty. However, she married a man who wouldn't just smack their children but any others he thought out of order. He smacked 3 kids at his own wedding reception for skidding on the dance floor. It was horrible.

I still wish I'd handled it differently. I bet your friend feels a right cow later.

ddl1 · 06/02/2020 19:16

I wouldn't bother about the invitation aspect as such tbh - do you really want to have to organize childcare (perhaps your friend wants a child-free wedding and isn't inviting you because she assumes your daughter would have to come?) and do the driving to a weddng that seems to fall between two stools as far as being enjoyable to a non-family-member: neither a big occasion nor totally intimate? It sounds as though her dh is taking charge of the invitations and inviting mostly his own friends - is he perhaps friendly with the other friend's partner? I may be odd, but I don't place such a high value on occasions such as weddings as opposed to marriages; they are enjoyable occasions, but I don't think that being invited or otherwise is the biggest test of a friendship. What does seem odd is that she would talk about the invitation list to you without inviting you. That seems either totally thoughtless and tactless, or as though at some level she wants to make you a bit jealous. It also sounds as though she is generally in a bad mood right now: maybe truly depressed; maybe just not in a good place and taking it out on others. It is up to you how much of this you are able and willing to deal with.

mylifestory · 06/02/2020 19:33

Very weird to tell u about the other guests! I had a Similar situation with annn old friend, even she said we were like sisters. Me and another friend were the 2 ppl she immediately told in confidence when her DH proposed. But no invitation ever came to the wedding. I am still shocked but I am sure the reason will all fall into place soon with u. I saw her wedding pics. All white ppl. Her hubby was a very big influence on that i expect. It all changed after he met me .... sigh x

mylifestory · 06/02/2020 19:37

Oh, the other good friend cdnt go and neither cd her best uni friend, so she had no close girlfriends at her wedding at all!

Qwerty543 · 06/02/2020 19:40

That would be me done with her. Even a small wedding like that she could have invited her oldest friend.

snickers69 · 06/02/2020 19:44

I would give her the same amount of texts as norm, but I would ask if she was excited? I would ask about what she was wearing? I would tell her I was excited for her. I would say how lovely it will be for her to have her family around her. I would smile and be happy for her.
I’m sure her reasons will come to light soon enough, meanwhile you are the caring and understanding mate
Grind your teeth in private and she’ll never know

OopsPregnantAgain · 06/02/2020 19:47

Social withdrawal is a symptom of depression. She is probably finding wedding planning very difficult and that's why she only invited family. However her fiancé obviously wanted to invite his friends and she probably only agreed because she knew she wouldn't have to talk to them much.

I would try to be empathetic, but also I would gently explain to her that your feelings have been hurt.

addictedtotheflats · 06/02/2020 20:03

If my oldest friends (20 years) told me they were getting married I wouldn't even question if I was invited or not. Why didnt you ask what date it was so you could get an outfit etc?! Seriously though, if she hasn't invite you to her wedding she is actually taking the piss and does not deserve you as a friend.

Hellbentwellwent · 06/02/2020 20:07

Are you a raging alcoholic? I didn’t invite one of my very old friends for that precise reason.

She’d ruined countless family gatherings and birthdays but getting shitfaced and either creating an argument over some perceived slight or getting hysterically upset over no one loving her... couldn’t do with the drama so decided not to invite her. Told her it was a small family affair and we weren’t inviting many people (which was true ish) It made me reevaluate the friendship altogether actually and we drifted apart as I realised that in the grand scheme of things all I did was support her emotionally and practically and for little thanks or loyalty in return as time after time she willingly sabotaged important gatherings

Jojo2wyatr · 06/02/2020 20:16

@Justyouandme33
OP, I haven't read the whole thread, so if I repeat something, please just take it as me agreeing with that post...that said, this woman is not capable of being your friend no matter that you've know her since childhood...As others have said, she is a taker, and with takers, it's always ALL about them....that's why, although it sounds incredibly rude for her to talk about her wedding and guest list to you, it's not rude behaviour...it's narcissistic behaviour...you and your feelings truly do not even exist to her....the world only exists for her and those who are extensions of her(her DC)
Nothing you say or do will change her behaviour....time to get on with your life without her draining yours.
I wonder if you look back over the years if you can find one time that she actually went out of her way to help you or do something nice for you just because .....like REAL friends doFlowers....btw, haven't read what your mother says about this situation, but please listen to her...she's got your best interest at heart.Smile

Thewarrenerswife · 06/02/2020 20:18

As others have said, you either missed the fact that you are invited, or she’s getting off on tormenting you.

I had similar with a friend who I’d been best friends with since childhood. We went on holiday together, I got her a job to work with me etc etc. I was originally invited to the wedding, obviously. The she slept with her childhood crush about 6months before the wedding. I didn’t think it was very cool, and though I thought her prospective husband was a knob... he didn’t deserve that. She was only marrying him because he was there when her clock struck (she said as much herself). Next thing the wedding was massively reduced in size and I was no longer invited. She contacted me shortly after the wedding to pencil in a meet up... and I told her to go fuck herself. She was so shocked! They have two kids, and are getting a divorce. A mutual friend recently told me that she’s love to hear get back in touch with me. I told her I wanted big boobs and a flat stomach.... life is so full of disappointment.

If you’re not invited, I recommend you tell her to go fuck here self also.

MsPepperPotts · 06/02/2020 20:20

Yep listen to yer mum...she's a user.
Been there done it...never again.
It's really tough to get over the upset they cause especially when they have drained you emotionally over all those years
There are far better people out there to have as friends.
Just remember to put yourself and your own wellbeing first OP.

You will meet a decent friend when you least expect that will be more on an equal footing and where it's not all takeFlowers

MsPepperPotts · 06/02/2020 20:23

Oh yeah good response @Thewarrenerswife
Definitely use this!!

Starwind74 · 06/02/2020 20:50

As she is so unhappy, is she getting help for her depression? Why is she so short of money? Is she working? I know life is expensive , but not being able to afford a short bus journey! As a pp implied, could her partner be abusive? As he seems To be calling the shots and possibly making her dependant on him. Also as others have said how much more expensive would one more person be at a home buffet.

PinkPanther27 · 06/02/2020 21:17

I'm so sorry about the outcome. I really feel for you, it really hurts when something like this happens. You deserve better though and it sounds like she wasn't bringing much positivity to your life so I'm afraid it's probably for the best.

FeeLock28 · 06/02/2020 21:22

Sounds like your mum knows best. We've all been there!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/02/2020 21:26

Social withdrawal is a symptom of depression. She is probably finding wedding planning very difficult and that's why she only invited family. However her fiancé obviously wanted to invite his friends and she probably only agreed because she knew she wouldn't have to talk to them much.

I would try to be empathetic, but also I would gently explain to her that your feelings have been hurt.

I think this is worth considering OP. Her behaviour may not make a lot of sense if she's depressed.

Maybe just give a small token gift and withdraw from the friendship to protect yourself. But try not to take this to heart. It sounds like it's more about her than you.

MimiLaRue · 06/02/2020 21:30

I think this is worth considering OP. Her behaviour may not make a lot of sense if she's depressed

Whilst i agree this might be the cause, it really doesnt matter. If someone is treating you poorly, you dont have to put up with it. From comments the OP's mums made this sounds like a LONG pattern of selfish behaviour on the part of the friend who appears to "use" the OP when it suits her and drop her when it doesnt. So, unless the friend has been "depressed" for the entire time she's known OP I think this is a lame excuse.

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