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My longest friend not invited me to her wedding?

233 replies

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:01

I want to try and get as much background in as possible without ranting on. Also NC as I’m not sure if friend is on MN.

Been friends since age 9/10, all through secondary school and even afterwards we would meet at least once a month. Both 32 now. She met her soon to be DH 7 years ago and they had a 4 year old DS. I’m a single mum with a 3 year old DD.

Since we had kids we met up more often as we had even more in common, we haven’t had any massive arguments ever, only small disagreements here and there as you would expect from a long friendship.

She always says she feels lonely, she has one other friend besides me who she has know since college and they meet up about once a month too. This friend has a DD 2 years old.

She complains she is unhappy and bored with her current set up at the moment. She is renting in a very cut off village, doesn’t drive, doesn’t have a lot of spare cash to get the bus and is angry that people don’t come to see her much. She wants to buy a house but can’t afford to save for a deposit.

A few of our recent disagreements have been over things like she can’t afford the bus to the town centre (15 min bus ride) and is annoyed I can’t drive to her village (30 min drive for me and I am a single mum who really can’t afford the petrol) I try to reason with her but in the last 5 years she seems to be increasingly angry at the world and blames everyone for not being able to get a mortgage or save or learn to drive etc

I try to meet her as much as I can. But sometimes it is impossible for me.

So on Monday we met in a cafe and she told me her and her DP are getting married in 2 months time. I was over the moon for her and said how exciting it was.

She said it wasn’t going to be a huge wedding, it was going to be at the registry office and then her mum was doing a buffet at her house afterwards, she said she can’t really afford a big wedding. Fair enough it’s her day.

She then says it’s going to be a very small wedding, infact only really close family like her mum dad and siblings, then some of her DPs.

I assume that I’m not invited to the registry part, fine though, if she wants an intimate private wedding.

She then goes on to say DP is inviting 3 of his work mates (has known them about a year) and she is inviting her other friend (the college one) and her new boyfriend.

She said the buffet afterward would just be the same people from the ceremony.

At the time I didn’t say anything about being invited as I was a little shocked and didn’t know how to word it without coming across as rude.

I’m really baffled and confused about why my oldest friend has not even invited me to the buffet afterwards. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish, after all it’s her big day and they should get to celebrate it how and with who they want.

I just feel weird that she has invited her other friend and her partner, then invited her soon to be DHs work mates, but not me. Perhaps she has an issue with me although I’m not sure what it is.

If I’m being a selfish cow then please tell me Grin I just feel a little upset that I won’t get to celebrate her big day with her. We would always talk about it when we were teenagers, the whole “I’m definately having you as my bridesmaid!” Thing.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
Kwkwjwkek · 05/02/2020 23:58

Just read the update. I wouldn’t be friends with her anymore. Just ignore her from now on. I can’t believe that a best friend would not invite you!

restawhile77 · 06/02/2020 00:01

Don’t even think about getting her a gift, nor a card for that matter.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2020 00:09

Well, now you know.

I'd just let the friendship float away on the breeze.

(PS listen to your mother)

katewhinesalot · 06/02/2020 00:36

You can't let her treat you like this and continue to be friends. You have no choice but to let her go to keep your self respect.

katewhinesalot · 06/02/2020 00:36

Oh and no gift or card.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 06/02/2020 00:45

Just read your update. Well you were right all along, I’m sorry to say. Was hoping you’d got the wrong end of the stick. Now you know the truth you have every justification in backing off from her. She’s not your friend, she sounds like a user, as your mother pointed out. Don’t send any more texts/messages and don’t reply to any from her. (possibly unlikely in the circumstances.) Don’t send a card or heaven forbid, a present and don’t go to her hen do if she has the cheek to ask. It would be the end of the friendship for me. Don’t make excuses for her as the way she’s treated you is pretty callous.

socksandshoes1 · 06/02/2020 01:00

If you met this woman now, would you become friends with her? That's a good way of judging whether you should continue to nurture the relationship or let go.

MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 06/02/2020 01:32

Well handled OP

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 06/02/2020 06:03

Sorry OP, that would really hurt me.

FYI, I was accused of doing this too. Second wedding, headcount of 10 and yes some friends were invited and not others.

Problem is, the one who was taking umbrage definitely had a “premier league” of friends and I was languishing somewhere down in the Vauxhall Conference.

Without question if she’d had a headcount of 10 I wouldn’t have made the top 50 longlist.

This is not that situation, you guys have history and it sounds like you’re been supportive and patient with her. Not that invites to a wedding should be about favours for favours but if this is how someone repaid me for my support and presence across bad times and good, they quite simply wouldn’t be a friend anymore and an acquaintance at best.

Sorry OP. Hurts like fuck when a friendship bites the dust.

Mummyzzz044 · 06/02/2020 07:17

She has deliberately told you who was invited, I think she is jealous of you.
You haven't done anything to piss her off so there is no reason why she should treat you this way unless she wants a reaction.

People like her will never be happy.

MegaClutterSlut · 06/02/2020 07:26

The one person I'd want beside family at my wedding is my best friend. I think it says a lot on how she views your friendship tbh. I'd think I'd cut all ties

Soffy · 06/02/2020 07:30

She sounds very odd OP. Way too much hard work IMO. We can sometimes be blinded by people when we've been in a long term friendship with them.I think most friendships have a lifespan and maybe this one has come to an end? Or at least needs a different approach perhaps.

I had a friend not invite me to her wedding and then tell me about it afterwards. I had looked after her son 2 days before the wedding (unbeknown to me) so she must have told him not to mention it. We were on good enough terms for me to be looking after her son whilst she went to work for 12 hours. Hmm I had assumed it was a small wedding, until she showed me the photos it was evidently quite big with people travelling from various countries and a big reception. It felt like a definite snub so I sympathise as it must be worse for you as you've known her for so long. I certainly dont put as much effort into the friendship anymore. Our sons are friends still, but needless to say her son is always coming to my house whereas she does nothing in return. Some people are just takers and they tend to be the same one's who pull spiteful tricks like this. Your friend can invite who she likes of course , but there are ways of dealing with it. I would just wish her the best and leave it at that.

SnuggyBuggy · 06/02/2020 07:43

The sympathetic part of me wonders if she is being controlled and isolated by her DP. Moving non driving partners to isolated areas is a good way of doing this.

That said it sounds like the friendship has died a death and she's just going to drag you down.

MimiLaRue · 06/02/2020 07:58

I think she may need you in the future more than you need an invitation to the wedding

Thats her tough shit then isn't it? You cant expect to treat friends like dirt then have them come running when YOU need them. Actions have consequences. If she wants to act hurtful and unkind towards her friend, thats her choice, and OP can make the choice to not bother with the friendship any more. It really is that simple. If you want to keep people around you, then treat them with love and respect- its actually not that hard at all for most people

Beautiful3 · 06/02/2020 08:27

Your mum knows. Trust her, she's the best judge of character.

shoesSHOES · 06/02/2020 08:41

I think she may need you in the future oh hell no to that. why should OP wait in the wings to be used for support when her friendship isn’t valued enough to be included even at a buffet reception at the bride’s mothers? Let her to find someone new to do her whining at, she doesn’t sound like any great loss as a friend.

Rhubarbncustard4 · 06/02/2020 09:27

OP I’m sorry , I would let this friendship drift away...friendship is meant to be a two way street . I hope you have lots of other lovely friends ... who you can now spend more time with

Pumpkinpie1 · 06/02/2020 11:37

Just because we know people a long time doesn’t make them friends.
You can do better
I think your Mum is a wise lady, listen to her & chalk this down to experience. Don’t send her a card or present use the money and take your mum out for tea instead x xx

1FootInTheRave · 06/02/2020 11:53

Bollocks to her.

She sounds boring and her wedding sounds shit.

restawhile77 · 06/02/2020 12:28

I think she may need you in the future

What for, to be used like a mug?

restawhile77 · 06/02/2020 12:38

Soffy How bloody hard faced. Some people just don’t care who they upset. Well done you for rising above it and being the better person.

SandAndSea · 06/02/2020 14:02

Bottom line: what do you want for your life and your friendships? Is this a match?

LittlePaintBox · 06/02/2020 14:20

OP, I know it really hurts when a friend lets you down so badly. It's happened to me a few times. IMO, the best thing you can do for yourself is take the new information on board, and bear it in mind next time she wants you to do something. It can almost be a relief to ease up on a friendship where you suspect you're being used.

One friend kept dropping out of arrangements we'd made at short notice on the basis that something better had come up. She didn't even try to disguise it! Then something better would come up on the new date we'd moved it to, etc. In the end I started saying 'You seem so busy, I think it would be better to leave it until you had time'. That saved me a lot of anger and resentment.

CallmeBadJanet · 06/02/2020 17:39

What is her DP like? Do you get on with him? To summarize over the last few years she’s changed, become more isolated and negative. And now he’s inviting work mates to the wedding. Maybe he doesn’t want you there. I’d be worried about her.

ktp100 · 06/02/2020 17:48

Sorry OP. I'm afraid CFs sometimes come in friend sized packages! She clearly has no qualms treating you poorly and that's on her. What you don't have to do is put up with it. You've been a good friend and you deserve better.

Put the money you would have spent on a gift aside and use it to have a lovely treat with your littley. I'd seriously consider letting this friendship go for good as well!

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