I don't fit in. What am I doing wrong?

[Mariagatzs12]

I came from across the pond 11 years ago. I've never really had a British friend (I had one for maybe 9 months). When I was in London all of my colleagues where from abroad. The got moved to the west country by my exH almost 6 years ago but as of to this day I still have no close friends.

It's frustrating but also think there isn't much I can do. I don't know if it's because I'm too different? I live in a village where most moms are SAHM but I'm very career driven. I think the vast majority didn't go to uni and I have an MA. I'm Jewish and have a heavy Ameican accent. I don't watch love island nor the day time soaps.

I had a very privileged upbringing and have been called a "Chelsea Princess" but I'm not. Yes I had a nanny, a maid, and a gardener when growing up. Went to private schools and have been around the world but that doesn't mean I'm stuck up.

I don't think over the past few years people have given me the chance. I have a friend who I relate to, but she's not British either.

I lurk on mumsnet because that's how I more or less have come to understand the British psyche, but 90% I feel like I don't fit in and it's a never ending vicious cycle.

I've found plenty of prejudice against Americans. We're seen as loud, obnoxious, show offish and what not.

I wonder why...

Seriously, just reread this thread and perhaps actually try to take in what people are telling you.

IME no one cares if you say cookie rather than biscuit. If you are a nice person they won’t care about your clothes either.

However they will form a certain impression of you if you say “ Gosh I can’t do X because we had staff at home”. That’s not self deprecating, it’s a very obvious stealth boast.

And being loud, obnoxious and showing off WILL offend, even if you don’t mean it to. People judge you by your words and actions , not by your intentions.

Boasting about how well you treat your cleaner is crass. Why wouldn’t you treat anyone who works for you well? That’s what any reasonable employer does, it’s self interest , it doesn’t deserve a medal.

Do you actually want to make friends op ? Or just to make some sort of case for your anti American rhetoric? Because you don’t seem to be listening to any of the comments here.

The comments of what I can see are 1/3 you're the problem and the 2/3 that I'm not the problem.

What I've been saying is that because I've always loved in some sort of bubble I've yet to partake on a regular basis with the average British mom.

I have no issues with my coworkers who are all British but none of them are moms (some are dads though and we do talk about parenting).

It's the school gate moms that remain a mystery to me. Not all of them obviously, but I've never been able to build a decent friendship with any of them (apart from that lady who isn't British).

I obviously make a gazillion mistakes because I'm not experienced and I'm socially awkward in that regard. Apparently the answer to fit in with these guys is to tone myself down quite a bit (from this feedback anyways).

Rather than thinking of it as “toning yourself down “ or “ adapting a version of me “, you could think of it as being culturally aware.

It’s generally considered to be a good thing.

From my outsiders perspective British society is a bit of a contradiction. Middle class is aspirational but at the same time it isn't. Humble bragging is still something I don't understand at all.

Just last week my husband had to explain the word "townie" because I had never heard it before.

El0ise I hear what you're saying, it's s very thin line between that and assimilation because to me some of it would make me lose who I am (like whoever suggesting I should change the way I dress).

Changing the way you dress will make no difference. It’s not you, it’s not them, it’s just a gulf which cannot be bridged.

I moved from London to a small town on the south coast four years ago and still haven't made any close friends. I grew up in a large commuter town and am British through and through but I have literally NOTHING in common with the school mums here, who in any case have all known eachother since their children were babies and have therefore no need of meeting new people.

I have to say I was so surprised to discover this as people always say that small town life is laid back and friendly whereas London/big cities are anonymous and lonely - in my experience the opposite is closer to the truth.

You're really not listening OP. There’s absolutely no reason why you should feel like an outsider after eleven years. You’re just too fond of your ‘difference’.

This thread quite literally gave me a nightmare last night that I had to live in a village again. Aargh

It took me 8 years to find friends when I moved out to a village! It isn't that people are judging you for any reason, you just haven't met anyone you get on with yet. You will, but it takes time. I eventually found a really lovely group of friends at the school gate. We all have different levels of education, different incomes, different interests, different backgrounds, and have quite a wide age range but we share one thing, a slightly wry sense of humour.

@MrsTSwift I had to go back to mine recently for a drop off.. the joy of not living there any more made my heart soar as I drove home 😂

Yes it’s all been said here already - you need to join groups and get some hobbies - try to meet a variety of people. You’re “oh I’ve just flown back from wherever” comment could come across as bragging.
And stop lumping all the British mums into one group. I’m a sahm and don’t have an MA but I could happily chat to you about literature, art etc. I can’t believe that they ALL watch love island and it’s all they can talk about. At my dc’s school I’ve never talked about trashy tv with any of the other mums.

After reading more of the thread:
I don’t believe you should change who you are or how you dress to fit in, that’s silly.
I suspect a lot of the problem is where you live. Village life is very hard even for someone born in say, Manchester and moving to a small village down south (which I did - thankfully we moved back up north)
I would find using Americanisms endearing and I doubt it bothers most people. Maybe others sometimes just don’t understand what you are referring to?
Make sure you join some baby groups. Also don’t stress too much about not having “mum friends” - I’m a sahm but only have a couple of women I talk to at the school gate - my main group of friends are the friends I grew up with from school. We meet every couple of months and that’s enough for me!

Definitely it's not how I look. Just took the dog for walk around the high street of a nearby town. Three people stopped to talk about her, so I can't look that threatening :)

BTW I never said they all watch Love Island or that they don't read. Just what I've experienced in this village with the few moms I've interacted beyond pleasantries. I know it's reductive, but the sample is small too.

I live in a small town in Cornwall and I don't recognise the experiences of the people who find the south west racist/unwelcoming/unfriendly at all.
I've been here for 12 years. Our school gate has a mixture of people who grew up in our town and who attended our kids' school etc, as well as incomers like me. (It's quite a desirable seaside town, which perhaps ups the number of people who choose to live here rather than are born here.) No one has ever mentioned Love Island or European Literature at the school gate and I'm on my ninth year of doing it! (I don't watch Love Island, though I do love a bit of trash TV, just not that. I have a degree in Modern Languages, though I doubt many people at school would know that.)
I'm not really answering your question - it's impossible to know what you're 'doing wrong' and if it's you or them, or what. Maybe it's just that group of parents you don't click with. Maybe use the mat leave as a chance to start again with a new generation. (I had a friend move here shortly after I did with an 8 year old and a 2 year old. She found loads of friends - including me - through life with the 2 year old and really struggled to break into the school gate friendships with the 8 year old. And she's British and very sociable!) I don't think trying to change who you are is the answer though.

I moved to a village, have a masters in Criminology and Law and I also watch Love Island. I have lots of friends because I am chatty and am interested in other people. You have made up your mind that they have an issue with you where it is your issue with them that is the problem. If you really really want some friends, why not take an interest in their interests instead of writing them off as not your kind of thing.

Why on earth should OP change who she is, change what she wears, not talk about what she did last week even if it was spending the week working abroad somewhere?

If the mums in her village find all that boasting/threatening they need to widen their horizons and understand there is a world beyond their little village full of a whole range of different people.

This is precisely why I'd rather move country than move outside London. Thankfully DH feels the same way and we're both born and bred London so there is zero chance of us ever moving away.

I think the school gates are hard as others can often hear your conversations so a lot of normal chat topics are off limits.

@thewalrus that's more or less what I've concluded. Sometimes you don't click and that's nobody's fault. Considering I've tried to talk Or have have talked to most moms in the class, I don't think much more can be done.

My baby I think will be a very good window of opportunity to make new friends. I can't wait for the house to complete so I can start that new chapter of my life, hopefully a bit wiser this time around.

One thing that is coming out for me is the fact that I have seen quite a few threads exactly along the same lines of the OP before. Written by 'foreigners' who are struggling to make friends.
The answers are always along the same lines.
Avoid small village life, prefer lively busy town centre.
Be open, dont judge them
Its not just you, a lot of brits struggle too and its harder as you get older BUT you have a baby so thats your chance to meet with people and make friends!
Oh and the old volunteer, have a hobby etc...
I have also been told its normal because I was just too old when I arrived in the UK to really be able to assimilate and make friends (I was 28yo fgs)

What I cannot remember ever seeing is a foreigner coming over and saying that they've had no more issues than anyone else making friends. You just need to do X and Y or that everything clicked once they did A.

I have met foreigners who have british friends. They usually had met them through their british spouse (and even then, it has been known to be fraught with issues because they were only friend BECAUSE of the spiuse rather than in their on right iyswim).

Just musing really.

What I cannot remember ever seeing is a foreigner coming over and saying that they've had no more issues than anyone else making friends. You just need to do X and Y or that everything clicked once they did A

Well people don’t tend to start threads about problems they don’t have. I don’t go onto the TTC boards and tell them I had no problems conceiving in my 40s , I had fewer issues than many couples in their 20s, we just had sex and hey presto I was up the duff.

Slightly off topic, but things seemed to have changed, because years ago whether you were a villager or townie, and went elsewhere to a pub it would be like walking into the Ok Corral! Firstly it would all go quiet, followed by men staring and women glaring. On topic, I know a few people who had/have very good career's and they love the soaps and so called crap tv. Meanwhile, I've had no career to speak off and bar a couple of soaps I'm not interested in crap tv. I don't judge them and they don't judge me.

@EL0ISE, no but I would expected some foreigners to ANSWER that thread in that way.

I personally cant. I live in a small town, quite closed off.
A good friend of mine (british - the ne british friemd I have) has siad in the past 'It's not what you are saying. There is nothing wrong about it. Its the fact it's not the required answer and it's making them cringe'. (like saying I like the snow on a snowing day - Wrong answer. I was supposed to say Its atrocious like everyone else)
I am not going to change that.

@EngagedAgain, oh I have been in one of those pubs quite recently. I was with DH and we nearly made a bee line for the exit!