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I don't fit in. What am I doing wrong?

257 replies

Mariagatzs12 · 04/02/2020 07:54

I came from across the pond 11 years ago. I've never really had a British friend (I had one for maybe 9 months). When I was in London all of my colleagues where from abroad. The got moved to the west country by my exH almost 6 years ago but as of to this day I still have no close friends.

It's frustrating but also think there isn't much I can do. I don't know if it's because I'm too different? I live in a village where most moms are SAHM but I'm very career driven. I think the vast majority didn't go to uni and I have an MA. I'm Jewish and have a heavy Ameican accent. I don't watch love island nor the day time soaps.

I had a very privileged upbringing and have been called a "Chelsea Princess" but I'm not. Yes I had a nanny, a maid, and a gardener when growing up. Went to private schools and have been around the world but that doesn't mean I'm stuck up.

I don't think over the past few years people have given me the chance. I have a friend who I relate to, but she's not British either.

I lurk on mumsnet because that's how I more or less have come to understand the British psyche, but 90% I feel like I don't fit in and it's a never ending vicious cycle.

OP posts:
SurpriseSparDay · 05/02/2020 07:02

You’ve been here eleven years?

No kettle.

Don’t drink tea?

And still call people ‘moms’?

Possibly you’re not putting much effort into acclimatisation.

That said, village life is hard to break into unless you’re actively involved in country pursuits.

taybert · 05/02/2020 07:15

Well it depends on the village- I haven’t had trouble fitting in, but I’ve made an effort. It doesn’t sound as if the OP has done much to actually get to know people and fair enough, the villagers aren’t beating her door down to get to know her but I’m not sure they do that in UK towns and cities either. In my experience if you’re the new one, the onus is on you to make the first move.

There’s more than one way to respond to a discussion you don’t know anything about. For example, in Love Island chat you can say “I don’t watch that” which may well end the conversation or you can say “you know, I’ve never seen it, how does it work?” Then that would open up the conversation which could lead on to other programmes that either of you like to watch, or you might move on to books and find that they actually like the same sorts of books as you, or not, but they read a book you mentioned at book club once and suchabody really liked it and actually you’d probably enjoy our book club, we meet once a month on a Wednesday.......

HelgaHere1 · 05/02/2020 07:27

I lived in the states for years and didn't make a single friend. If there were other incomers I would hang about with them. You are not alone.
I would suggest a learning class - how to paint or write fiction or even a choir. If you are in a position where you risk feeling stupid because your efforts at writing etc are dire, the vulnerablilty brings you closer to the others feeling that.
Some volunteering eg foodbanks, a friend was a support buddy for children going through difficult times. Just met once a week and went out eg cafe, walk, cinema. You don't have to sign up for a life doing charity work, but a few months gets your face known a bit and you would meet random people. Oxfam shop?
Personally I prefer 'Hobby' friendships rather than gossiping, chatting over coffee. So eg chat while walking (I'm sure there are rambler groups).
I suspect you seem a bit other - once people know that you are Jess, that pushy American lady in the big house married to o and so who works at X.They should start responding when you say Hello.

Mariagatzs12 · 05/02/2020 07:36

I need the tips for the new town and whoever I meet with this baby. I think for the most part the ship has sailed for my daughter's school. Once I go.back to work I'll never be at the school gates as I'll be working.

For better or.for.worse when I tried to get that mom group going they were all from very different cliques. After the fall out (of them really not.liking me) I was only left with the group.of.moms I do socialize with.
The otherr moms I'll just let them be.(They became very nasty and would bully me at the school gates) all because I heard them making fun of me and my ex and didn't invite them ever again.

Anywho, I think to some people I must look fairly eccentric? Right now I'm rocking the "hobbo chic" a furry leopard print coat, some DMs, and when not baby wearing my cross body Gucci bag.

OP posts:
SurpriseSparDay · 05/02/2020 07:43
Hmm
Mariagatzs12 · 05/02/2020 07:57

I'll be more or less within walking distance of the local college so I'll see I can find any evening classes.

Once the baby is older I hope to join the canicross group

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 05/02/2020 08:05

I'd just grit your teeth and wait to move to the bigger town. I'm British born and certainly nothing special achievement wise but nothing would persuade me to live in a small village. Sometimes people just aren't open to newcomers and nothing you do is good enough.

dimsum123 · 05/02/2020 08:25

OP, this is why I'd never ever move out of London, I know I'd never fit it or make real friends.

It's not you, it's not them, you're just too different types of people, nobody is better or worse, just different.

I'd move back to London if I were you.

Mariagatzs12 · 05/02/2020 08:48

@dimsum123 I'd love to, but until my exH decides to move or my daughter starts college, I'm sort of tied. Yes , I could move, but I'm sure she'd rather stay here.

OP posts:
Narcheska · 05/02/2020 08:53

I think you sound like a great friend! Loneliness especially in a cliquey village is hard. You sound a little further from me I'm 45-1hr away from Bristol and 1.5 from Exeter but if I was closer I expect we'd be friends (if you over look my love island watching)

EngagedAgain · 05/02/2020 09:00

Yes, an evening class or hobby as you will then at least have a common interest.

dimsum123 · 05/02/2020 09:05

@Mariagatzs12, ok, in that case you'll just have to make the best of it. Even if there's one person there on your wavelength, that's all you need, rather than trying to find a group of friends.

Mariagatzs12 · 05/02/2020 09:09

@Narcheska you sound lovely too, but definitely too "up north" for me lol. I do t mind Love Island, simply I don't watch it! But I used to love all the "America's Next Top Model", "16 and pregnant" amongst others. I loved the Good Place place but have never had watched (not even one episode!) Of friends.

OP posts:
absopugginglutely · 05/02/2020 09:09

I don't watch love island or day time soaps?
Have you got every potential friend framed as a fan of dross?

EL0ISE · 05/02/2020 09:10

We had a “maid” (they are not called maids here ) and a gardener when I was growing up and I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it to anyone in my adult life. My kids wouldn’t even know and certainly not any of my colleagues or friends, I can’t imagine how it would come up in conversation.

Likewise the MA. I have an MA and an M Phil but why would you talk about that socially? Its not relevant to anything. It’s only relevant at work.

I know many Americans from wealthy backgrounds through my hobby and they, like you, mention these things all the time. This is considered very vulgar and try hard by most middle and upper class British people and they will avoid you.

People who have less money and privilege will think you are an unpleasant snob and will also avoid you.

This is a very important difference between UK and USA. It’s not that British people don’t care about money and class, they do, a great deal. It’s just the indicators are more subtle and it’s extremely rude to ask directly eg “ Which school did you go to ? “ or “ how much do you earn?”.

Also the wealthier and more upper class people are, the less they talk about it and they are very understated.

So the man in the old Land Rover wearing scruffy clothes telling you he’s a farmer will in fact be a Lord and own half the county. The woman who says she works in finance will be a top banker or stockbroker.

Sometimes we visit grand country estates ( as part of our hobby ) and we will get a tour from the owner / estate manager/ head gardener.

The Americans go all out , trying to impress this person with tales of their 20 acres back home. I absolutely cringe as they fail to pick up from the cues that this person is in fact the owner of the estate and is landed gentry, part of the aristocracy.

The Americans talk down to him / her because they are almost always wearing wellies and a scruffy waxed jacket and flat cap ( women wear a different hat ) and they assume they are a gardener.

And they name drop incessantly - also very vulgar here. “ Oh yes “ they bleat “ we have been to Chatsworth - Chatsworth England, have you heard of it ? “ . When the person they are speaking to probably went to school or university with Bill, who will inherit it . Or they are married to his cousin.

So they will nod politely and the visitor will bang on “ well you really must visit , it’s amazing. It’s in Derbyshire you know , Derbyshire near Yorkshire “.

Shock

So there are very important social differences that my American acquaintances have not picked up despite their many visits to the Uk and Europe. I have subtlety broached the subject with them and it’s like water off a ducks back. They simply can’t conceive of a social interaction where they don’t signify their wealth and status right upfront. It’s like they fear the person won’t respect them if they don’t do so.

I suspect you have a similar problem OP. You need to find social circles where you have more things in common and then BUTTON IT and listen. Very very few people you meet will care about any of the things you mention in your Op.

HelgaHere1 · 05/02/2020 09:12

I am more likely to chat to someone I don't know if they are dressed similarly to me and maybe within 10 years in age. Before I get scorned on here, I struggle to make friends and socialise. I wouldn't talk to someone in your hobo chic as I would think someone as confident and together as you (DMs etc) won't be interested in me.

dimsum123 · 05/02/2020 09:20

@EL0ISE, of course you talk about background, job, etc when talking to new people in particular.

If I meet someone new, especially if they are obviously not originally from the UK, I love finding out where they're from, what they do, what they studied at uni etc.

Also re love island, i don't watch that, nor strictly, nor the celebrity jungle thing, and I just wouldn't have much in common with people who do watch those things.

I'm not 'better' than them I just have different interests and would get on more with people with similar interests.

HelgaHere1 · 05/02/2020 09:21

I think EL0ISE 's description is a bit overstated, are you talking about tourists? I dint find Americans like that and lived with them for 10 years. They are more enthused and gushing about things which can come over as false to us, but it's a big country so if we consider people in sayNewcastle are different from those in The Highlands -how different are New Mexicans from Milwaukeans - you cant generalise 300 million people,

MadamePewter · 05/02/2020 09:22

It’s definitely the cost and docs 😂 I wear similar stuff and was looked at very much askance in my old village. The general uniform was jeans or trackies, horse boots and fleeces. Which is obviously fine, but not my thing. People would say to me, “You look very glamourous” in scathing tones, along with “I just wouldn’t have time to do all that makeup”. I feel so free now I’ve moved!

MadamePewter · 05/02/2020 09:23

*coat.

oldmum22 · 05/02/2020 09:39

In my 30s I moved to a small town away from London and I can relate to the feeling of isolation . I tried really hard and then didn't bother anymore and that was when people became friendly. In your shoes, I would set a time limit on how long you need to stay there and if that date comes and you don't feel any different, research places where you think you would fit in . Life is way too short . Good luck

eyemask · 05/02/2020 09:45

You come across like you are judging others and assuming that they are judging you before you have given them a chance. I'm a SAHM, but I also have a MSc, though obviously no one would know that without engaging with me. I think you just need to give people a chance, I have great mum friends who have no education beyond A-level and ones who are more qualified than myself, and from different backgrounds to myself.

Mariagatzs12 · 05/02/2020 09:47

That sweeping generalisation is a stereotype of some regions of America. There's old money in the US but that's usually in the East Coast.

It's true sometimes people don't have to know everything about you. My work buddy knows I had a very decent job before for example. Everyone at works knows I'm American but nobody knows I'm Jewish.

Sometimes things don't come into a normal conversation, that's expected. The maid thing usually came as a self depreciation thing (I'm terrible at doing X or y because during my formative years everything was done for me).

My cleaner here used to tell me I treated her a lot nicer that most of her clients. We would chat about and we concluded it was because I treated her like family. (Which is what they become to me anyways).

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 05/02/2020 09:56

What @EL0ISE said is somewhat OTT but nevertheless contains a lot of points that are worth bearing in mind.

Feel like I can help someone out and that they can trust me
This comes across as extremely patronising! How about ASKING for help instead? People, including Brits, generally like to be helpful.

A couple of other points, in no particular order:

Ditch the hobbo chic. Dress like the people you'd like to meet.
Get a kettle and some tea.
Drop the Americanisms (especially mom).
Start volunteering.
Look into book clubs, yoga groups, Ramblers Association, Meetup, WI...

Mariagatzs12 · 05/02/2020 10:09

Maybe it's s cultural difference but isn't the norm to first offer to help rather than the other way around?

I also feel like I have to adapt a version of me, not change who I am. I've had people say directly to me that by now I should know better and call pants trousers, cookies biscuits and so on.
I've found plenty of prejudice against Americans. We're seen as loud, obnoxious, show offish and what not. Some of it might be true, but we never do it to offend.

OP posts:
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