I don't fit in. What am I doing wrong?

[Mariagatzs12]

I came from across the pond 11 years ago. I've never really had a British friend (I had one for maybe 9 months). When I was in London all of my colleagues where from abroad. The got moved to the west country by my exH almost 6 years ago but as of to this day I still have no close friends.

It's frustrating but also think there isn't much I can do. I don't know if it's because I'm too different? I live in a village where most moms are SAHM but I'm very career driven. I think the vast majority didn't go to uni and I have an MA. I'm Jewish and have a heavy Ameican accent. I don't watch love island nor the day time soaps.

I had a very privileged upbringing and have been called a "Chelsea Princess" but I'm not. Yes I had a nanny, a maid, and a gardener when growing up. Went to private schools and have been around the world but that doesn't mean I'm stuck up.

I don't think over the past few years people have given me the chance. I have a friend who I relate to, but she's not British either.

I lurk on mumsnet because that's how I more or less have come to understand the British psyche, but 90% I feel like I don't fit in and it's a never ending vicious cycle.

I don't even own a kettle

That's it right there OP!

Agree with lots of people saying you may just not have found your gang yet – you can advertise for stuff you want to do on good old-fashioned noticeboards in places you like going, like a nice coffee shop, your library, so likeminded folk will see them.

Finding new friends in adulthood is like dating, I'm finding, in that you have to ask a lot of frogs out to coffees etc to find a good group of princesses. (Sorry, this metaphor ran away with me.) But I forced myself when I left London to just 'ask out' anyone I thought looked nice, and it helped to have a baby so I didn't look creepy, just lonely (more forgivable, apparently). So, so many people didn't seem to get me or I didn't get them, and it's taken me almost eight years to feel like I've met a decent handful of people I click with, but it's beginning to feel like it's finally coming together a bit.

Good luck, OP x

I know exactly what you mean about being a friend. Said lovely lady who always keeps me on her radar once cried when we went out for a coffee. It's hard for me to know when I'm crossing the line and be seen as too nosey, but for a few months afte that always made a point to ask how things were going

I don’t think it’s sneery to mention Love Island. When I worked up north and in the southwest, other women would try and make chitchat with me by talking about Emmerdale and I would have to tell them honestly that I’d never seen it. And that was that. They never tried again with any other topics of conversation. They often seemed offended like I was somehow looking down on them but what did they want me to do - lie and pretend I watched it?

...village people tend to be more isolated not just geographically but in their minds too. They tend to be conservative in their mindset and probably not well travelled

I think some people are getting confused with League of Gentlemen 🙄 Narrow-minded people are everywhere including cities. People who live in villages aren’t all insular, uneducated yokels 🙄

OP, you have a lot of hobbies and interests, and I’m sure some of your neighbours there must share them. The book club is a great idea as is evening classes, volunteering, am-dram and musical theatre, library events, running clubs, etc

If you’re brave enough to say which county you’re in, you might get some more tailored suggestions about what’s available locally to you.

Perhaps the people you thought were rejecting you eg the ones saying they’d never leave their children, might think you’re rejecting them? Get out there and talk to lots of people, even the ones you think are unpromising as friends. You might be surprised...

Haven’t read the whole thread (sorry), but I’d suggest your local Women’s Institute as a great way to make/meet new friends. They are a good mix of like-minded women who meet up to chat, socialise and learn new things, give it a try!

I grew up in a very boring small town in the south & hated it. Many people there were I hate to say small minded & actually racist / prejudiced towards anyone different.

Now I live in a large town in the south on the coast & it's great! Very diverse, people live here who come from all over the world, lots of cafes, bars, restaurants, several sports centres & gyms, cinema complexes, lots of stuff to do.
I live on an estate & many of the houses are rented to a wide variety of people who move on regularly, only one family in my square has actually grown up here. This means that you rarely get the cliques forming & you can be as anonymous as you wish.... & you can be yourself.

You would fit into the large town but would also struggle in the small town where I grew up.

The only advice I have is to move!!

I went to private schools, had a nanny and a housekeeper. And I watch love island 😂

I think you need to try new things, you might like a bit of light entertainment

For Chrissakes, woman, move back to NW London!

I’m British (of atheist Jewish heritage) and work for an American company in London, with a mixture of Brits, Americans and other nationalities - all extremely bright, well-educated people. I’ve never watched Love Island - it just doesn’t interest me - but loads of my colleagues do, including the Americans.

I have no experience of living in a little village, but if you can’t make friends in London, where no one is from London, there may be other things going on than being American.

No kettle. It's that.

I did have friends in London. We'd go out every other week after work. It was nice. Like I've mentioned every time I go to London I make a point in seeing them.

I didn't want to move here but my exH sold it as a "new life". He did try I guess. But was never I would have chosen on my own.

I'd love to move, but my daughter goes to school 2 hours away from Exeter (on a good day) so unfortunately given the 50/50 arrangement I'm here until further notice.

I'm hoping that a town rather than a village will be a move in the right direction.

She's year 4. I'm terrible at converting UK to US schooling system, so what 8 years?

Well the mention of Starbucks virtually rules Cornwall out if it's Truro you'll be ok though. It's as cosmopolitan as it gets.

I'd go the book club route. Stick some ads on local social media groups and be specific about the kinds of books you like. I met some fab people of all ages and backgrounds by responding to an ad.

I really don't think an average English person would assume an American was snobby and privilged from how they spoke.

I'm from a Jewish background and live sorta in the West Country! Grew up in the proper West Country moves to Bristol for work but loved away to afford housing.

I'm on maternity leave but have a kid in yr 3! He's about to be 8

I'll be honest I enjoy love island OP but I don't really discuss it all that much you sound like a great person to be friends with

OP - what do you look for in a friend?

I don't look for anything in particular. Before they had to like music, but my husband fill that hole 100% so I can live without that now :)

I've romanticised the idea of a friend because I haven't had one for quite some time. That brief friendship was fairly fulfilling but more or less what I looked for.

Having someone to come round and discuss life, husbands, hair, clothes, etc... Going shopping (not that there's much around here anyways) have a night it or a night out.

Feel like I can help someone out and that they can trust me.

Maybe you come across as unfriendly, cold, , too serious or snobby. Maybe you are not approachable and standoffish uninitentionally.

Feel like I can help someone out and that they can trust me

That sounds nice - but also incredibly patronising. You come across as feeling superior to people and you exude disdain for the county you live in. That’s not going to make you many friends.

You’re also obsessed with towns and cities. Where you obviously live, most of the kind of people I think you’re looking for actually choose to live in villages. You’re just ruling people out without really knowing them.

Lots of people have said you come across as stuck-up. I put that in bold there because I’m sure you don’t realise you’re doing it (I hope).

Moving to a town won’t help if you just take the problem with you....

I understand why you resent being tied to a place because of the 50/50 but that’s neither the fault of the place or the people in it.