We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

My brother was the bright one of the family. And to my mum's credit she refused to allow him to take an apprenticeship at the local shipyard.,.......it would have meant him bringing much needed money into the home (( single mum of four whose father never paid a penny )) she didn't want that for him.

He wasnt really encouraged but it did make him look at other options and he went on to do an engineering degree.

I went to boarding school aged 10 and parenting effectively stopped. Parents always ‘joked’ that after my 18th birthday I had to move out as ‘that was it for handouts’. I don’t think they had a good idea what subjects I was doing. I failed one of my a levels meaning I missed out on doing medicine at uni - I should have re sat it as it was a stupid fail and I would have got the right grade at a second go - but I knew I had to move out in the September so did a different course as I couldn’t figure out how to finance a resit and having my own place.
I intend to be a very different parent to my DC. They will always have a home and love with me, I’d hate to think they thought they weren’t welcome in their own home

My parents generation mainly went to secondary moderns (75%) and werent expected to do any more school type education after about 15 when they went straight into the workplace. They were far more learn on the job and work your way up roles. I think when they had me they just didnt know how to parent a stage that they never went through. They were much better than some of the tales here though. Im 40ish.

No. I was born in '84 and my Mother was there for me just as much as she was when I was a child. I thought that she was too strict sometimes, and I was an easy teen, but in hindsight she wasn't. I've always felt loved and cared for regardless of what stage in life I'm at.

The generation born after the war had their lives run by their parents in that they were often not allowed to stay on at school after the compulsory years, or weren't allowed to marry (or the opposite - were heavily encouraged to) or were expected to work in X field or for X employer so did as they were told.

As parents I suppose they gave their children more freedom because that seemed like progress, while expecting similar maturity. Some obviously just continued like their own parents.

I think a lot of people parenting teens now want to compensate in turn for the lack of structure and support and therefore also go to far the other way and smother and infantilise their teenagers.

Balance is the holy grail but none of us will ever get it exactly right (and our kids saying we did is just them being nice or lacking the insight provided by distance, it means nothing else).

100% the same
They regarded me as self sufficient from 11-12, maybe even earlier.

I was a teen late 80’s early 90’s and very much parented. Very lucky that my parents always took an interest in us kids, advised, chatted to, hugged etc and plenty of teen arguments too!
My friends had similar experience to me also.

Born 81. Only child. Absolutely felt loved.
However, by age 13 ( so '94) I was out clubbing and regularly staying out all night with random older boys/men.
I never planned these 'overnight sleeps' and all I'd get asked was where I'd been when I crawled home the next morning at 7am. I'd lie and say I slept at my best friends as I'd missed the bus.
They were under the impression that I'd been watching movies and eating pizza with my friend and her family...every weekend!
My revealing, skimpy clothes never seemed to be a giveaway either, or the drink fumes. Or the bottles of Southern Comfort under my bed ( for a pre-drink before I went out) either 🙄.
Neither did they seem to wonder where all my clothes came from (stolen from Topshop/Miss Selfridge).

I was born 86 and my sister 84 and we were very much parented.

Quite the opposite! Only child of older parents, born in late 70’s.

But massive gaps - I was desperately unhappy and lonely and they dud nothing to help. I was alternately bullied and ignored in school for 5 years and they knew, just as they knew I was underperforming, but they did nothing. Sat over me doing homework etc but why on earth did they not change my school?? I can’t imagine just saying “oh well, you’ll cope” to my own children if they were so very unhappy, year after year. I wasn’t coping.

And with all the breathing down my neck there was no strategic guidance at all. They wanted me to go into a particular career which I actually would have probably enjoyed but made no effort to find out what subjects I should have done for the leaving, or what degree path. Just “you should do forestry”. I was very young (16 - started school young skipped a year) and there was no internet so that was the sort of area where they could really have helped. (You have to do a BSc in Agriculture & an MSc in Forestry where I’m from & these were both readily available at the local major uni). Maybe that was the way then? You just picked it all on your own (I picked ridiculous subjects and have highly “intellectual” but utterly useless degrees).

“Pastorally” they were fine - protective, but that’s okay (I was nearly 2 years younger than my cohort, so protectiveness was appropriate) and I was very much loved.

My Mum is dead now though and I’m sad that my Dad has no memories of me at all when I was small.

Slightly off topic but one of the posters comments about having a cash box and ledger to keep track of spending until her mum called her mean with money struck me. I remember I used to save pocket money, birthday money, Christmas money etc. into my savings account and have a little book to keep track ... one day, when I was about 10, parents decided to redecorate my bedroom (I didn’t ask or choose any of it) and they cleared out my bank account to pay for it! I never saved a penny again, well before being an adult. I find it strange I still remember that and I’m still not sure if it was hugely unfair or acceptable as it was my ‘stuff’ ... all I know is I certainly wouldn’t do this to my child as it discouraged my view on money.

Born in 1977, middle child and only girl. My parents completely neglected me and it massively impacted my life. I'm fine now but having parented my own teens I ended up having counselling to help create me to terms with this as I am about to have to take on a caring to le with my mother and was feeling massively resentful about it! Needless to say my brothers don't have any caring responsibilities and they were given lots more guidance and encouragement than me.

I was born in 1984 and I was parented actively right up until I left home at 18. My parents were always there to discuss my opinions with me and guide my decisions, but then I suspect they weren't your typical parents for that era. I miss my dad horribly and feel the lack of his advice very heavily even now in my thirties!

*come to terms

Yes agree with this. I was born in 83.

Nope!

Born in 1991. Parents had a huge interest in school, relationships, friendships, pushing me to get a job at 13 (I've never been out of a job now since 13), my university study etc etc

However on the flip side, although my parents had a huge interest and pushed me to do well in life, they VERYYY much allowed me to live very independently. I pretty much bought all my own clothes from about 14/15 onward, they allowed me pretty much to live my own life, spend my money on whatever I wanted, go where I wanted (within reason and still some rules), they always pushed me to be independent - learn to cook/clean/wash my own clothes from a young age.

When I left home to go to uni at 18 I was pretty much living my own life from then on with zero input from my parents (interest of course yes but I did what I wanted). Part of me wishes they scrutinised my finances more and taught me to be better with money and pushed me to form better/more friendships, but at the same time I am also glad I wasn't wrapped up in cotton wool and was allowed to be independent.

Born in 1991. Parents had a huge interest in school

@Beau2020x that wasnt relevant. The question was...were you a teenager in 1990s.

You were born in 1990 so you were not.

You were the wrong demographic as helicopter parenting had started by then.

1991 sorry so you would not have been a teenager until 2004.

Really interested in this thread. Some of it resonates with me but tbh mum was working 3 jobs, older brother was easier to manage so was given good support. I remember little to no talks about options, i was rarely helped with homework and really was quite miserable throughout my teen years- have never wished them back! I hated school with a passion. Uni discussions were short and i was unsupported at college and just went through the motions. It was a hard time for my mum but she smothered me in the wrong aspects of my life and Dad died when i was 15 andwas very hands off anyway.

Being a mum is my happiest time ever! Was born in 86 btw

Moved to London at 20 to Nanny to be my own person. Am 33 now with DD5 and DD2 and a husband i feel i don't deserve at times as he is so amazing!

It's so interesting to read other people's experiences. There seems to be a bit of a divide between working class parents / single parents (as my mother was) where we seem to have been less parented, to more educated and affluent parents who maybe had more time and energy, and valued education more maybe?

For pp who have questioned why someone would need to be taught how to behave in their first job, maybe I meant more how to manage yourself. My first part time waitressing job unfortunately involved being touched up by the restaurant owner as he "squeezed past" you in the corridor, I genuinely thought this was just an occupational hazard as he did it to all the young waitresses. It didn't even occur to me to ask DM to help / advise, I just got on with it. I very much felt if I got myself into scrapes I had to get myself back out of them

Yes, I absolutely was. In fact I'd say I'm still being parented a bit now

The difference I see now is that my parents were never considered the entertainment by me and my siblings, whereas kids now definitely look to their parents to be amused. Both of my parents worked two jobs are certain points so we were left to look after ourselves a bit, but it was age appropriate and good for us, better than now when we don't expect kids to step up at all.

Parenting was just different then, certainly more hands off than now but not neglectful.

I disagree. I think it depends on the family.
I was born in 1967 and was well parented until I left home, and then the door was always open for support and a place to stay. I am still close to my parents now.

They were young when they had us, and they had a great balance between encouraging independence and support.
yes they had less input into GCSE options than is expected today, and they did assume that when we went upstairs to do our homework, that we were actually doing it. As long as we had good reports from school, they allowed the homework to be our responsibility. But they were always there at school events etc.

They taught us to cook, expected us to muck in and help at home (we had chores etc) but also allowed us quite a lot of freedom to go and visit friends etc
And we talked. And talked, and talked, and still do!

Some of the stories on here are really sad.

My mum had a mum who interferred all the time in everything, and so she worked hard to not do that to us.

I actually try and give my kids similar. They have more independence than some others and always have had, but I expect them to help out etc, and while I do support homework when needed, I do also see it as between them and school, and if it isn't up to scratch, then school will make them repeat (but they are at grammar schools, so they do get this from school)
We talk about everything, but we do expect them to think for themselves and make their own choices.

My own teenagers think we didn’t raise them well, we are reasonably well off. Took them on holidays, trips.
I wouldn’t buy designer clothes which their friends may have had, but they had plenty.
I didn’t oversee their homework, they had become stroppy as teenagers, but asked if it was done.
We both worked full time, so couldn’t pick them up from after school clubs, and they refused to get the bus and walk for 15 minutes, which would have meant they could attend. ( school bus brought them home at regular times)
I just have to say we were the best parents we could be.
They forget they were not easy either.
One now says she had a terrible childhood, yet we went on holidays in the Uk and abroad, , I’m not sure what more we could have given them, except more money.
We bought things for their hobbies, school equipment.
We loved them.
They are nice when they want something, after, not so nice.
They forget teenagers are tricky, and just think of that.

We wouldn’t take them somewhere every weekend, when we were exhausted from work, nor would we spend £100’s on pop concert tickets, like their other friends.

We did pick them up after all their extra classes for their exams, took them to their part time jobs, though may have moaned a lot, at 6 am starts at 11 o’clock pick ups

Life is hard, your parents probably found it hard too.

They did have everything when they were younger, probably too much.

We did our best

I was born in 84 and yes I was parented until well past 18! In fact I remember at age 18 asking my dad if I could go visit my boyfriend at the time in a different county...his answer was “no” ...I didn’t go!! 🤣🤣 sometimes I look back and think...BUT I WAS 18!! Anyway yes I still get advice, guidance and time from my parents even now and I’m in my 30’s and married! They we’re and still are great parents.

A lot of this resonates. I was born late 70s.

My mum was a single mother with a full time job, and although I did feel loved and like my mum was interested in me and ‘had my back’, I was definitely given much more responsibility in my early teens than my own DC have. And a lot more freedom.

Some of it was good for me. I was doing a lot of the housework and all my own cooking and washing from the time I went to secondary school. I had a Saturday job from the age of 14. I joined a temp agency in summer holidays after GCSEs and worked every holiday through A Levels and university. So I had a good work ethic and was very self sufficient. And I travelled independently all over London, completely unfazed.

But I was also allowed to go out as and when I wanted, where I wanted, with very little checking up on what I was actually doing. By 14/15 I was out all night at the weekends with my mum only having a vague idea of where I was (‘staying round Julie’s tonight...bye’).

Almost all of my friends were the same. And we were a mixed bunch in terms of class, race, family circumstances.