We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

Born in 74. My DM likes to tut tut about the amount of time my children spend on screens. At least I know where they are. We used to be out from about aged 8 and she didn't have a clue where or who with. It was the same for everyone else.

We didn't do much but I do remember the odd time that we did, whereas my children just take it for granted. Going to the cinema is just something they do whereas I think I went about 3 times ever and I remember them all. We never had parties and went on holiday twice. That was normal for most people I knew as money was tight where we lived. I guess that hasn't changed for many.

No interest in homework or revising. Just told to do my best and left to it. But schools didn't expect parental involvement in the way they seem to now.
There was an expectation that I would get a 'little' job and get married. She was a bit when I got a degree and a decent job although she still asks how my 'little' job is now.

At 18 I felt my parents decided there job was done. They moved away from my hometown and bought a flat with 2 bedrooms so it was pretty clear I wasnt really expected to join them given that would mean sharing with my 16 year old brother. I stayed behind and ended up in a bed sit taking drugs. I got into all sorts of scrapes. I look back now my own daughter is almost that age and couldn't imagine her living like that at 18 and I certainly dont believe my role ends at 18.

My mum did find me my first saturday job when I was 13 though.

I was born in 1981
Parents didn't supervise homework but knew about it and were interested in what we were doing at school. GCSE options etc were discussed but we weren't pushed in one direction or another. I wonder if this was linked to the fact that my mum was paying a lot of money for my education (private school) but I believe it was the same for my siblings who didn't go to private school. They were interested in where we went etc, possibly because we lived rurally and went to schools with a wide catchment area so our friends weren't local and we needed driving to their houses/ the towns where they lived. Birthdays were celebrated, we went on family holidays and day trips, things were bought for me. We were expected to help around the house, cook meals sometimes, do our own ironing from the age of 12ish, but nothing I would not consider age appropriate.

So, different parenting to the OP, but I still ended up a depressed self-harming teenager. I didn't have any deep conversations with any of my family ever and really struggled to have deep conversations about emotions with anyone else at the time and now many years later.

I suspect my children will complain of us being over protective and over parenting when they're older!

Born in 77 and some were similar to this. Little input into GCSEs and that which was given was basically ignored as I thought I knew better. No help into university but my parents both left school at 14 and so didn’t have the experience. I did well anyway as I was studious.

Loved chatting with my mum about friendships and boys though and got loads of great advice (they’ve been married 50 years). Mum taught me to cook as well and taught me house stuff while my dad taught me to change a tyre, light a fire, chop wood, camp, gut fish etc. I never felt neglected but I was allowed to go and see friends pretty freely and was never bothered with homework as I just got on with it myself.

As a parent I try to give mine decent freedom but I’m way more on their case about music practice and homework and talk to their teachers more.

One thing though, our weekends revolve much more around doing things the kids enjoy (and us too) like going to the beach, walks, sports etc whereas when I was young i kind of went along with what they did. We also plan holidays around what we think we all like doing whereas I don’t think that was taken into account at all when I was growing up. Luckily I liked reading so feel like I spent ages reading while they chatted in cafes.

Oh my god yes! I thought this was my family. Born in 1980. It felt like my mum could see I could dress and wash myself so apart from making the occasional overcooked chicken breast for dinner and giving me a few quid to go into town her job as a parent was done?

I got my first part time job by writing dozens of letters to shops and pubs. I had the 'don't get pregnant' comment while dropping me off at the station! I only got into uni by pressing redial for an hour on results day.

It was a lot of freedom. Sitting in letterboxes until 5am waiting for the first train home after staying at a friends going clubbing.

My DM did suggest that she preferred some GCSE options which I think was bad advice and left me more prepared for a life as a con artist than anything else. Think high cultural capital subjects rather than ones useful for most careers. I’m sure if I had been good at art and not messy she would have suggested that I do that too. Otherwise my experience was much as you described OP. I made my own A level choices that were even worse.

Born 1971 but much of this resonates, especially since having a kid of my own. I don't remember my parents bothering about homework, or having any input into what I wore to school. They were passionate, political people and they loved us beyond measure but they just didn't see that these things mattered.

My mum was particularly bad and in some ways she hasn't changed. She has wildly high expectations of conversation with DS, and little grasp that children are actually different to adults. I look back on some of the things she expected of us and its utterly ridiculous.

One example is sending me into town to buy her a pair of shoes that she remembered seeing the day before. I was to dash as fast as I could, and identify the shoes from her vague description. I think I was about twelve.

I came out relatively unscathed but I've embarrassed myself on etiquette issues quite a few times as nobody taught me eg the importance of taking a gift when visiting, what's expected of wedding guests etc. I'm sure people thought I was tight or rude, I just didn't realise what the normal standard was.

Born 81 here. Raised by my Dad who wasn't interested unless I did something wrong, and then he turned pretty nasty.

The rest of the time I was left to it. No input on exams etc as long as I was performing to his required standard.

Went to uni at 18 and as far as he was concerned that was job done. He dropped me off when I started and I had to scramble about for the odd plate etc to take with me. Then refused to pick me up for holidays even though my accommodation was term time only (uni rented halls out for conferences etc during holidays) so I basically had to plead with the uni for help to store my stuff.

Very little input since and still no interest in anything beyond the superficial.

@MAFIL to be honest, I don't think I really realised how controlling it was until I started typing it all up...

They would still try but I moved out for uni at 17. I lived at home the first summer but (after a weekend where they went away but sent my aunt to drive two hours from Dublin and pick me up for the weekend because at 18 they didn't trust me in the house alone) after that I never went back to live, or for longer than a few nights. I got a PAYG phone after the first year (my lovely Nokia 3210!) because in the first year my father used to count my text messages and ring my boyfriend's mother to complain that we were not studying. The more I remember, the more batshit they sound to me!

DH put his foot down in our 20s when they got upset over the menu choices we were going to be testing for our wedding, and invited themselves along to the tasting. My parents still haven't really forgiven him for that or for the time he pulled my mum up when she was criticising my weight, despite me asking her to stop, although they do mostly respect us now.

I've had to pull a few moves to enforce boundaries over the years, but distance helps and my mum is less self conscious, less cowed by my dad these days and much more fun. My father is just as obstinate but he's absolutely soppy over his grandchildren, and anyway he has no power in my household and he knows it.

GCSEs nearly killed me. No revision so I had to turn down work experience at a teen magazine (always wonder anout that). I then crammed etc.

I was dreading the results day, but actually did okay. DM just smiled and said well done. I was like do you not realise/what was the point of trying?!

seems I must have been quite lucky reading some of these replies! Teenager late 70s /early 80s .Cooking/Washing done for me ,DM bought me some of those "new stick on things" (Sanitary Towels with sticky pad,rather than belt ugh! that held pad in place .)(1973 or so)Stepdad helped me with my Maths H/W and kept me in top group .GM lived round the corner and I stayed with them W/E . They were strict about staying out late though .

Born into a professional family in 1980. Parented thoroughly by proactive, interested parents. Completely normal in my circles.

Over parented up to 17.
Told what GCSEs I had to take, no option whether I wanted them. I wasn't allowed to go to parties. They were very strict, ended up rebelling into shoplifting, risky sex, drugs, smoking and drinking.

I was 18 in 1990 so a bit older that you but I would say the same for most of these - but I didn't feel neglected - and indeed my friends thought my mother was overprotective.

No input into my GCSE options - not really
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work - no I wrote letters and got my jobs myself
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on no
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time - this was where my mum definitely did want to know
No supervision of homework etc - no, but you didn't have the emphasis on school-parent partnership - you got on with your homework and sanctions came from school if you didn't do it
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really - yes and no - I definitely got the don't come home pregnant talk :)

being taught how to behave at work

though unless you work for your parents, or a relative, you learn that at work. It's not something you can learn at home or school, it's a completely different environment.

@DelurkingAJ because abuse never happens in your circle right

I've embarrassed myself on etiquette issues quite a few times as nobody taught me eg the importance of taking a gift when visiting, what's expected of wedding guests etc. I'm sure people thought I was tight or rude, I just didn't realise what the normal standard was

I'd say you need to attend a wedding for that and if you're never invited to one, how do you learn?

I didn't know the etiquette around waiting until your host has had a sip of wine before you drink yours, if eg you are having a meal together but my parents didn't drink alcohol, so it wasn't exactly something they could teach me.

No supervision of homework, but tbh where there are no special needs and grades are consistently good I think this is absolutely right and appropriate in preparation for independent study. Parents should have an oversight of grades and intervene as little as possible but as much as necessary.

I do the same with my own children and don't think parents who stand over their children and do their thinking/ organising for them are doing them any favours (unless the have a relevant special need or are underachieving).

I remember assuming my GCSEs were my choice and being outraged that my father expected me to do certain subjects (his unspoken assumption that I would study his subject at university and follow him into his career became clear at this point - I'd been completely oblivious to the fact he assumed that this was the natural order of things up to the age of 13). I won but my father didn't speak to me for three weeks...

I wasn't allowed a Saturday job but worked every summer holiday - no, parents didn't help me find a job or get there so as there was no public transport I had to work at a tourist park which ran a staff bus. It would never have occurred to me to tell my parents about the horrific levels of sexual harassment on the bus and at work - it happened to all the teenage girls but I'd been sent to a girl's school and had no brothers and lived in an isolated rural location, I literally didn't know any boys or young men and was utterly unprepared. I learnt to deal with it from the women I worked with and would have as soon discussed it with my parents as sprouted another head - it didn't occur to me that it had anything remotely to do with them.

I'd only change the last one - DD is not nearly so cut off from reality and I sincerely hope we communicate about things like that! We have had a few conversations on the theme.

I'm 8 years older than the OP.

Only read OP so far, but yes this was my experience too. I have thought about it a lot when choosing DCs schools etc. I certainly didn't have chats and advice.

There was a girl in my year whose father filled in her o grade choices form and handed it to her in a sealed envelope. She didn't know what subjects she'd been given until she got her timetable.

OMG Yes! I was born in 1974 and I wasn't shown much interest after high school. I was definitely loved and looked after but GCSEs ? Homework? Career options? No interest at all. I also spent the years 15-18 clubbing and staying at a friend's. My parents thought I was at the cinema. They never checked. I do wonder what it was about that generation. My parents were working class and had to work unsocial hours.

I got myself ready for school from the age of 11 and out the house no problem. My children are mid teens and seem incapable of getting ready without prompts.

Teenager during the 90s and I looked after myself from about 11 and cooked family dinners after school and at the weekend.

No help with homework or school stuff and no interest other than at parents evenings. I got pocket money until I got a Saturday job at 16 then I used my money for my clothes, entertainment and some of the household food and I got a grant for college stuff.

It was easier to get a job then and fit everything in.

Born 1977.

Lived in quite a chaotic house. Oldest out of 6, only step child of my stepfather. He was a cunt and also mentally unstable. Vile and abusive man, would definitely be a narcissist if I had known what it meant.

It meant I was pretty much ignored unless he had taken it upon himself to take offence at something I had done. Like be clever at school or be in the house when he didn't want me there, or out of the house when he didn't want me there.

Dm walked a tightrope constantly. Very little input into GCSEs and A levels. Other than tell me I had to find my own busfare for college. And wouldn't get pocket money from being 16. Had a part time job by then. University was something that happened to other people, absolutely no financial support or any support at even considering it. Despite the fact I was a bit of a genius at school. Subsequently I didn't do brilliant at A Levels, mainly because I worked just about full time and when I wasn't working I was out partying.

My boyfriend at the time, his family parented me more. And I stayed with them mostly.

Am all over dd (15) and her gcse and a levels and uni.

Same here......I was 13 in 1995 and very much expected to get on with things.

Not forgetting parents of our generation were seen as adults at a younger age, my mum was born in 45 and was working and bringing money into the home aged 14. She was bright and wanted to be a teacher but it wasn't allowed. She did try going to night school but with no support or encouragement from home it petered out.....which was pretty normal at the time sadly. I can see why further generations are so cosseted tbh.