We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

I'm sorry that I've upset you.

I probably worded that wrongly, and maybe reacted too strongly to what you said.

But, I do very strongly object to you claiming that it is 'the luck of the draw' whether or not someone ends up with abusive parents.

And it is very wrong to claim that, because there are 'bad people' around, therefore there are 'bad parents'. A lot of this thread has been about excusing abuse as something that was 'normal' in the past. That does huge damage. It makes people think they don't get to be upset because of what happened to them.

I apologise for suggesting your perspective was naive, but I do think what you said was very harmful and insensitive. You need to think about how children who have had abusive parents might feel. You can't just dismiss it, casually, as 'the luck of the draw'.

Incidentally, two people I encountered who worked with abused children decided that, if a child came from a suitably 'middle class' home, that child did not need help. They saw obvious signs of abuse and acknowledged them, but made it clear they would not respond because they knew the child was with a nice middle-class family.

That was the reality of how many people working with abused children operated in the 1980s/early 90s.

I don't know if that describes you, @angell84, but certainly people working with abused children made their peace with that idea, and told themselves it was ok to ignore child abuse.

Born mid 60s.

I remember having a conversation about motherhood with my mum when my oldest DC was about 11.

She said, in all earnestness, 'With teenagers it's all psychology'.

Gobsmacked isn't the word to describe my reaction. I still dopn't know what the heck she was talking about, unless by 'psychology' she meant screeching about the evils of discos, divorce, women's lib, and all pop music since 1963, telling me very sincerely (I suspect she believed this) that sex before marriage was illegal, and completely ignoring the effect that very persistent acne was having on me.

Mine left me to it from about 12 too, and god did i make some stupid decisions as a result.. not sure why they thought they were done parenting when adolescence is such a turbulent time. It's affected our relationship now, and i wont be repeating it with my kids.

Born in 1975.
Recognise a lot on this thread.
My Mum had been eldest of 4 and left to parent her siblings so she said she wasn't doing all that again.
I had to cook, clean, do washing and ironing from a young age.
They were strict about things like schoolwork so I always organised and did my own homework.
No input to school/university but that was quite normal TBH.
They wouldn't give me lifts or anything as they said they had better things to do so I walked or cycled everywhere. Total freedom to go out for the day, would just say i was at a friends. Think they liked peace and quiet.
No interest in me as a person.
Part-time job from 13 (paper round then shop job at 15).
Was out drinking from 14.

Born in 1983 and I had LOADS of parenting...Fuss at all birthdays, spent plenty of time together as a family unit, breakfast made before school (until I left at 18!) loads of involvement with school homework etc - my children now have the same, perhaps they actually have too much The main difference is that we used to go out and play from dawn until dusk and were just called in from the doorstep when it was time for food/to come home.
Most of my friends experience was the same as far as I remember, but I could be wrong.

Agreed. Born early 70's. Felt totally loved. But minimum involvement.

Had 5 jobs whilst at school, often more than one at a time, plus babysitting. Bought my own car.

But it's not like that today. However I disagree with you. Now it's swung over to the other extreme.

Parenting seems ott. My nieces with toddlers are forever taking them to the aquarium, London dungeon etc, weekly. Who needs a day out more than a couple of times a year.

I went of travelling then uni. Most 15 year olds are so mollycoddled and 'snowflake' now, over invested parents? Which even I am guilty of. But they are unappreciative and unskilled.

I think it's too much. But I doubt the balance can be adjusted, to tone it down, or even it out.

Because from what I can see in current parenting, it's actually getting worse, not better.

How did you all go off the rails? And why?

I got up to all sorts of nonsense, but nothing that bad! Plus no one had an i-phone to record any evidence of any of my minor exploits!

I'm one the fence on this one. I'm not sure I would expect to coach someone on getting a Saturday job or how to behave whilst there. The whole point is to learn about work and the wider world.
Also I would expect a teenager to be able to manage/ plan their homework reasonably - with the occasional issue! Likewise I'd be happy to answer questions so long as I thought I could answer. My children are still in primary so it hasn't been an issue yet and my view could change. I think a lot of people have a tendency to blame parents without considering what their parents experience of the world was. I could have gone to university but that was something that was never an option for as it was something other people did. Years latter after a very circular route and some OU I work in a professional environment and my parents have no real understanding of what I do - they are not bad people it's just outside there realm of experience.

Neither of my parents had much education. I was very bright but was left to my own devices when choosing GCSE options. I chronically underschieved (I got A*s in languages and Bs in everything else because of complete lack of work and failure to bother doing homework) and really could have done with someone being on my case about it, but no one ever was. I left school at 16 to go into vocational training which was completely wrong for me and I really should have gone to uni, but there was no guidance.

I don’t blame them; they wouldn’t have had any understanding of academic stuff anyway.

I got my first weekend job at 14 and never asked for pocket money again. They didn’t get involved in what I was spending money on although they did still buy me clothes etc.

If I was going out they liked to know where and who with. I drank at weekends which they didn’t try to stop but they did always make sure they knew where I would be, and if I wasn’t going to come home I had to phone and let them know.

Definitely no deep and meaning conversations about boyfriends. When I was about 15 one of my friends fell out with me because she thought I flirted with her boyfriend (I didn’t) and turned the rest of our group against me too. My mum assumed I was at fault and berated me for “losing all my friends” which was very hurtful.

That aside, they were lovely caring parents. It just seems to be the way things were in the 90s. None of my friends’ parents would have been that involved with homework or subject choices, and this was at a grammar school.

I was born in 1962 and was parented through my teens. My own DDs were born in the 90s and they were parented through their teens too. It sounds like some of you just had terrible parents and I am not sure when you were born has anything to do with it.

Some of the posts are listing very very abusive childhoods. Never being cooked a meal, and only eating pizza is abusive. That's not normal.

And if you think this current style of 'over-parenting' is doing anyone any good, I'd have to disagree.

The GCSE girls atm are riddled with self doubt and unhappy with their bodies, and a lot of them have anxiety. Quite a few self harming.

16 year old boys aren't that much better. Lots of anxiety and struggling. They seem to man-up a lot and not want to talk about emotions.

And these are all incredibly bright, often sporty kids, from naice families, at good schools!

I'm currently on a mn thread for GCSE support, and there's not one poster, who is having a parental easy ride of it!

Born mid seventies.

No input into options. No help with homework. No interest in where I was or who I was with as long as I kept to my curfew. Expected to buy my own clothes and toiletries and other essentials once I got a Saturday job. School was not walkable and cost 20p each way. I was told to cycle as they didn't want to pay that. No one except me did because part of the journey was an A road and pretty dangerous. Lots of chores though. I cleaned the house each evening when I came home from school. Prepared dinner for my mum to cook when she got in. Changed beds and cleaned the bathroom and toilet at weekends. Absolute fury if this wasn't done.

Essentially totally hands off apart from when things went wrong. They enjoyed very much the discipline part of parenting. Loved telling me how lazy and useless I was, how ashamed they were of me. Loved pronouncing harsh punishments in manner of a kangaroo court where they both marched up and down telling me what a liability I was to the family. I had absolutely shit teenage years. Mine are teenagers and I am still very involved and aware of what's going on with them. Probably too much but they never complain and seem to feel safe and happy.

I agree over parenting is bad too.

My sis and I had to wash up from a young ish age. No dishwasher.

Mum would ask us to make her coffees and that in the evening.

Kids these days sit on ass with an iPad waited on hand and foot, chauffeur driven everywhere until they leave for uni.

No wonder they cant cope.

A little more do it yourself wouldn't go amiss

Oh and loads of childcare. From age 9 I was home all day during the holidays and entirely responsible for the care of a four year old. They'd go out to the early hours at least once I week and leave us. I used to be terrified.

Yep!
1972 here.
In fact by 12 I a proxy parent for my younger siblings.
My own dc always come first. We have a great relationship.
My mum always says shes glad shes not a parent today. Wonder why!????
Too much effort probably....

I was born in 1980, my parents were definitely involved in all the things you mention, but they also try to paret me now I'm 39 so over-involved is probably a good way to describe them

We went out for hours and hours at a time with no real idea where we were though, which wouldn't happen now. But Homework, Saturday job, uni applications etc carefully monitored.

1985.. and yeah the same. How strange..My parents are lovely, funny, loving people and I had a good childhood. But no interest in school stuff, life advice, deep conversations, encouragement etc.

Born in 1979 and yes the absolute same. I don't think my parents were crap and as you say it was the norm- the only thing they had to still do was drive me around as we lived miles from any civilisation

Social media and student loan debt means you can't just let kids have a few wilderness years any more.

My teenage years were like yours OP, god knows what my kids' will be like.

Born 1981 and I was left to myself, and to look after siblings, from the age of 11; taught myself to cook and got my first job at 14 to buy myself sanitary products (wasn't bought them before) and clothes. Left at 18 and my parents were furious because they had to look after the other children.

"Benign neglect"

A bit earlier than your range - born in the 60s. Turned 12 in 78. Plenty of parenting support up until being an adult (and beyond if I asked). I was the youngest of 3. Not much money. I don't recognise the non- involvement you refer to. I'm sorry you didn't get it.

Yes, definitely. I was thinking about this the other day. DD1 (14) is fiercely independent and sensible but I have to kick myself every now and then and remind myself she is not yet an adult. I don't want to be a helicopter parent either but provide more support than I had. It's about allowing them to fly but being alongside them (often metaphorically) to catch them, just in case.