Disgusting lie from my past has caught up with me

[NameChango]

To start with I'm not making any excuses, when I was younger I was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure why, I think a lot of it was attention seeking, trying to make my life sound more interesting and it got out of hand. It got to a point the lies would come out before I'd even realised. Over the years I got caught out on many a white lie, even the most pointless little details, I simply couldn't keep up with my own lies and I lost many friends and relationships due to it. Totally deserved. Around 20 I hit rock bottom and realised I had a problem, I seeked counselling, got help with my anxiety and made a vow to not say anything that isn't both truthful and kind. That thought process is so engrained in my mind I still think of it almost daily, and I've not told a single lie, even the tiniest harmless one in a decade. I'm a different person, I'm engaged, I have a gorgeous baby. I'm truly happy.

However, as bad as the many white lies were. I told some massive, horrific ones that still haunt me to remember. The main one was that I claimed to a friend that I was sexually assaulted. I was 13 and the story I made up was horrific. I won't go into details but it was a disgusting thing to lie about and I'm truly ashamed. I didn't frame anyone, it was a made up situation with a made up person. I told the lie once and realised I'd ducked up and when I was ever asked about it again I just said I didn't want to talk about it. I never had the decency to admit it was a lie.

The old friend I told this to 17 years ago and I had totally lost touch for over a decade. I cut off pretty much everyone from my childhood, who hadn't already done so to me, to escape from the shame I guess. However my fiancé works with her now husband, I didn't know until he said to me this morning that he wishes I had told him. I asked him what he wished I'd told him and he said that his work friends wife's sent her well wishes to me, would love to catch up, and had apparently said she's glad to here I overcame the brutal assault and have a lovely family, said that it's always haunted her what I went through and she finds it hard to forget. He's asked to speak tonight after I said to him that I didn't want to talk about it.

I'm fucked. I wish I could go back in time and apologise. I wish I could. Back then I deserved everything I got, and I got a lot. I lost everything and everyone and isolated myself entirely for years until I slowly built a new life, as a new person. How can I tell my fiancé that I told such a vile lie. I could lose my entire family. But I promised I would never tell another lie, and I can't get away with repeatedly saying I don't want to talk about it.

Please no judgement, I'm as disgusted as you will be reading this, but I am a totally different person now and I just don't know what to do. 17 years is a long time and I just don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be brilliant.

I've changed my name, out of sheer shame. I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.

I also agree with PPs, you were 13, a child still, people do a lot of mistakes at this age. You did great job changing yourself and became a different person.
I wouldn’t pass anything to this friend or her husband, but I would generally avoid them. They are both talking too much. It’s different situation. You are not children any more so they should be more thoughtful.
Hope your conversation went well.

I know ppl are saying she shouldn't have told her dp but regardless of that what the hell is wrong with him that he would go saying that to her dp.. Would he have said it to her too. I'm appalled at both their lack if discretion. I do think your not in a situation where honesty is probably best. You could show him this thread, write it all down for him to read if you can't face the conversation. I don't think you owe the other two any explanations you were a kid, you've sorted yourself out and it's none of their business.

Honestly, you were 13. Just be honest with your OH, say you're mortified but that it was a big fat lie for attention when you were a CHILD. Be kinder to yourself.

Be gentle on yourself OP. You have come so far since then, and this is totally admirable

Nothing new to add but I feel both the husband and wife have been extremely thoughtless here and the DH very unprofessional.

I don't think that another person's sexual abuse is appropriate for discussing when they are known to the other party.

Upshot of their indiscretion is that your partner now thinks you were assaulted as a child and presumably is very concerned and upset on your behalf. It's not fair to leave him this way given that it is not true.

I think you need to have a frank and honest conversation along the lines of your very erudite OP, explaining that you had a problem as a child and adolescent with lying, you have addressed this and now pride yourself on your honesty and that this was as bad as it got. You don't need to tell him in detail about every other occasion you lied. Just an overview.

Be clear that nobody was implicated and no investigation started.

As others have said, every class had a Billy Bullshitter (I know who I am thinking of and occasionally wonder whether her lies got her into any real trouble or whether she turned herself around) and I think with the benefit of adult wisdom, we can see them not necessarily as dangerous individuals but as very troubled children desperate to be listened to but unable to articulate the real truth.

Please try to continue your good work and see past the shame. You were a child and made a mistake. The only one hurt by this is you and you can mitigate how bad you feel by being honest.

You don't owe his colleague or wife any type of explanation and your DP should keep this to himself.

I'd tell your fiancé, OP. Not because I have any moral opinion over whether he should know, but because you're going to spend the rest of your life worrying that this big secret is going to be revealed or he'll find out about something otherwise, and that's no way to live.

Well you’ve got yourself in a right pickle. I told my friends mother that I didn’t have any grandparents when really I did. God knows why, but I was caught out the next day when my dad told her my grandad was coming to stay with us. I was 13 too. Can’t explain how embarrassed I was.

The mother never asked me any further questions but I got a funny look from her. She probably thought I had fallen out with the grandad.

It’s not as serious a lie as you told, but I would tell your partner the truth, I’m sure he will understand.

You need to tell your fiance.

But your "friend" is no friend, she shouldn't be gossiping even to her husband about such stuff! Imagine how bad it would be if you had gone through that experience and you found out a total stranger knew the details?

And to reassure you a bit, that all of us can "f* up". Richard Coles ex- Communards now a Vicar, had to publicly apologise in the past because he had told someone he had "Aids".
Growing up enough to stop telling lies is great.
Not growing up enough to know when not to tell even your husband about something not to do with you is not so great.

Also, kudos for what you have achieved. Received funding you had a problem, taking it seriously, seeking help, sticking with it and turning it around. That takes amazing strength!

You were only 13. Had you been 20 that would have been different.

I’d tell the truth now and probably not go in to how awful you made it sound. Not suggesting you lie, however I thunk you’re perhaps overthinking how bad it was- it was a horrid lie, let’s be clear, however you were daft and young and well.... stupid!!

I can’t imagine anyone’s going to hold you to random.

Crikey I told a few whoppers in my time. I can vaguely remember I almost (without realising the severity it could have caused) framed my brother for something by saying I seen him at a place when he wasn’t even there!

I would have been about a similar age

Ransom fgs!

OP I'd consider having this Thread removed... incase the media reprint it.. protect your privacy OP.

You've admitted your mistakes and sought help, moved on.

I am appalled at your old friend and her husband, and appalled your fiance passed it on. If I had heard anything about my partner's past that was horrific I would tell them to shut up and not pass on any message.

How's it supposed to go? Hi honey, someone told me about a brutal sexual assault you went through, and they're happy you're all sorted now, fancy a chat about it?

Ah op, not sure what to say. I made up that I saw a man flashing and the school and police all went looking. If I could list all the things I feel shameful about...

I'm not sure how I would tackle it, its some kind of balance between honesty/vulnerability/protecting what you have now. I would probably give a fairly brief succinct account, express the regret for your behaviour/impact on others. If you want to share more do, if you don't that's fine. Not sure re.your old friend. Offer to write her a letter?

Bollucks to sharing everything with DH. I've been raped and sexually assaulted. He is aware that things have happened to me in the past. He does NOT know the details. Nor will he ever know. Bloody hell.

You should tell your fiance that it was something you made up at the time.

Did you ever learn in counseling what made you lie?
Tell him what it was that compelled you to do that. The lying was a symptom of something - talk about that.

You need to contact your former friend and explain the break from everyone in your earlier years, tell her what made you lie, and tell her that you were lying about the rape. You should apologise to her because this has clearly been something that preyed on her mind.

I disagree that there is anything wrong with the friend mentioning your experience. This is a normal thing to happen, maybe even to blurt out when you recognise a name. It's not necessarily a case of gossip.

I think you need to own up now to what you did and be open to trusting other people with what made you do it.

OP get this thread deleted. The media are arses for fishing for stories on here.
You do not owe any explanation to anyone.
You decide what is best for you. Do not be guilt tripped by posters on here into telling anyone something that you don’t feel able to.

Agree, and especially a story in which a girl cried rape and it wasn't true. It feeds all the prejudices out there.

In all honestly I don't think you will be able to put this to rest until you have spoken to your friend. You are now socially connected and it has already come out once, you don't want to live in fear of it happening again or being seen to 'continue the lie'. Once you have sorted things with you fiancé, speak to your friend and put it to bed once and for all. I really hope you are able to forgive yourself this thread is quite heartbreaking.

If my husband told me that he had made up a story like this at 13 and told me the background I'd give him a hug and say if he ever wanted to talk about his past we could otherwise it was forgotten. You were a child please forgive yourself.

I seem to be at odds with most on this thread in that I don’t think too harshly of your ex friend. She spoke to her husband about you, but she didn’t know her drunk husband would tell your fiancé. She was probably genuine, not trying to drop you in anything.

Personally I’d tell your fiancé the truth. Say you had lots of problems when you were a child that you worked hard to overcome them. He loves you for who you are now, surely. It shouldn’t have any affect on the relationship.

As for her, if you’re likely to see her you could say you’re sorry she was upset but you were a very mixed up teenager and made lots of things up. Tell her she’s clearly got a big heart for caring. Either she can accept it or she can’t. She’s not a current friend anyway..

Hold your head up. You’re strong and you’ve come through much worse than this.

You were very young, and it's not unknown for young teenage girls to invent stories. Nothing came of it, and you didn't accuse a real person, so no harm done. Tell your partner, and I hope he takes it well. Don't beat yourself up about it - and good luck

I'm also a csa survivor. You do not need to be sorry OP.

I think this woman knows it was a lie and is trying to make trouble. It is incredibly insensitive of her to have told her husband about it, very very disrespectful to do that (even though it is untrue). No decent person would do that. And the husband is an arse too for passing it on to your husband.

I can sort of relate in that I have zero contact with anyone from my school either. I have different reasons though - I was bullied badly and no one stood up for me or helped me. One day walking home from school, one of the bullies started beating me up. Loads of kids just walked by or stood and watched and not one of them helped me. I would never trust anyone ever again from that school after that day. I want nothing to do with any of them. One of the people who done nothing was my cousin and I don't talk to him either. If new people I meet ask why I don't talk to any old school 'mates' I explain to them honestly.

I think you do not need to explain it to your DP, you could just say this woman is talking nonsense and she's trying to make trouble. I strongly doubt it has 'haunted' her. Seriously.

I would say you're not sure what she's on about but you vaguely remember making up stories about it as a young teenager and it could be that she's referring to, but you didn't realise she'd take it seriously.