Disgusting lie from my past has caught up with me

[NameChango]

To start with I'm not making any excuses, when I was younger I was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure why, I think a lot of it was attention seeking, trying to make my life sound more interesting and it got out of hand. It got to a point the lies would come out before I'd even realised. Over the years I got caught out on many a white lie, even the most pointless little details, I simply couldn't keep up with my own lies and I lost many friends and relationships due to it. Totally deserved. Around 20 I hit rock bottom and realised I had a problem, I seeked counselling, got help with my anxiety and made a vow to not say anything that isn't both truthful and kind. That thought process is so engrained in my mind I still think of it almost daily, and I've not told a single lie, even the tiniest harmless one in a decade. I'm a different person, I'm engaged, I have a gorgeous baby. I'm truly happy.

However, as bad as the many white lies were. I told some massive, horrific ones that still haunt me to remember. The main one was that I claimed to a friend that I was sexually assaulted. I was 13 and the story I made up was horrific. I won't go into details but it was a disgusting thing to lie about and I'm truly ashamed. I didn't frame anyone, it was a made up situation with a made up person. I told the lie once and realised I'd ducked up and when I was ever asked about it again I just said I didn't want to talk about it. I never had the decency to admit it was a lie.

The old friend I told this to 17 years ago and I had totally lost touch for over a decade. I cut off pretty much everyone from my childhood, who hadn't already done so to me, to escape from the shame I guess. However my fiancé works with her now husband, I didn't know until he said to me this morning that he wishes I had told him. I asked him what he wished I'd told him and he said that his work friends wife's sent her well wishes to me, would love to catch up, and had apparently said she's glad to here I overcame the brutal assault and have a lovely family, said that it's always haunted her what I went through and she finds it hard to forget. He's asked to speak tonight after I said to him that I didn't want to talk about it.

I'm fucked. I wish I could go back in time and apologise. I wish I could. Back then I deserved everything I got, and I got a lot. I lost everything and everyone and isolated myself entirely for years until I slowly built a new life, as a new person. How can I tell my fiancé that I told such a vile lie. I could lose my entire family. But I promised I would never tell another lie, and I can't get away with repeatedly saying I don't want to talk about it.

Please no judgement, I'm as disgusted as you will be reading this, but I am a totally different person now and I just don't know what to do. 17 years is a long time and I just don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be brilliant.

I've changed my name, out of sheer shame. I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.

This is ridiculous. Surely no one, drunk.or not would bring that up. And why would she be talking to her husband about you anyway? When he hadn't even met you?. Something's not right about that part of the story.

I could understand her tentatively mentioning it to you in private when you met, but surely even then, anyone with any sense would leave it til YOU brought it up.

Well, you had a mental health issue and you were 13. A reasonable friend and fiancé should understand that however hideous the lie, there were problems fuelling it, not malicious intent.

I agree you should come completely clean and tell them about your counselling and behaviour since then. I hope they understand; they should if they are decent people.

@NameChango, had to respond. Sorry it's long. Your post has resonated with me massively. If I were you I'd hang fire until your emotions subside. Then decide.

Hi. Not on MN these days, but had to reply. When I was 13, I made up a story about how I was abducted on way home. Made up all details, car reg , description of man etc.
I was playing in fields with a boy I liked (all innocent). Late home, hence massive tale, I was terrified. Police involved for days constantly. There was a big family wedding, so it all got shunted in my mental priorities. I remember now to my shame all my aunts sitting in the hairdresser under these hood driers, smoking & clucking as my mum told all the gory details.

Since it was made up, it all came to light. I admitted it to police. Remember my shame. Still do. Parents had a long talk with police. One phrase that's always stuck with me that the police asked my parents was "Why would she do something like this"? We'll have to do a background search, SS etc". I thought it weird at the time because my dad spoke through his teeth at my mum angrily.

Life moved on, I was duly punished. Loss of privileges. Fast forward to 2018 ( events happened in 1971). I had a revelation due to a documentary about Churchill's funeral. It was in 1965. In the Sept of 1964 my appendix burst. I nearly died. I don't know how how long. But I remember being in a home on the Halloween. My hospital bed was in a bay window looking out on the massive garden. The other children were teasing me because I was frightened. The reason Churchill was relevant was because we were given a special tea to commemorate the funeral we watched on TV that evening. So I must have been 'incarcerated' 😀 Sept'64-Jan'65. I did some research on the Canmore sight in Edinburgh & found the huge house. It was a children's home. I'd been removed from my family. Memories of my mum beating me up flooded in. She'd kick me as I was writhing on the floor. Threatening me if I blabbed, it would get worse. I remember sitting on a chair beside my mum being questioned by a panel which included the Doctor who saved my life. Basically she'd kicked me so violently my appendix burst. Before I was allowed home, I was in front of the same panel again. On the way out I remember the Doctor warning my mum about the kicking!! This explained my mums open hatred of me for the rest of my life. She died in 2012.

Thing is OP, it's down to you. I'm 63 now. Vile memories of sexual abuse ( not parents) have surfaced. Other things, then this sad one. You've owned this. Punished yourself enough. You're not alone. You've been on my mind all through the night. If you were here with me I'd hug you, like I hug the 'me child'. You're only 30. Memories didn't begin unravelling until I was mid-30's. I was floored. Still am, but life trots on. Four yrs of private therapy didn't even cause the last big event to come to light. That door was firmly closed it seems. You don't owe anyone 'owt.❤️

I think you need to forgive yourself, and be very proud of the person you have become. If you old "friend" was pleased you had moved on why was there a need to tell your DP I feel she maybe telling a little lie herself. You have nothing to fear.

When I was 14 I did something similar. I had an evil stepfather who treated my mum and me like the dirt under his shoe. I now know it was coercive control and emotional abuse, but at the time I didn't have the vocabulary to describe it. I needed help and I told a friend that my stepfather hit me. I'm not proud of this but young teens don't always think through the consequences. For the record nothing happened to my stepfather, my friend never told anyone, she just give me some kindness and support which I really needed.

Talk to your partner. I'm sure he will forgive.

The amount of posters telling you to tell your fiancé the truth...no, sorry. You don't owe him an explanation for anything before he met you. Certainly not from when you were a child ffs.

The only problems here are: the need to forgive yourself and identifying when people don't have good intentions towards you. Work on these things.

Yoksha

I would tell him and show him these messages .If he loves you the he will understand Im sure .Does seem odd to tell her DH but who knows .Anyway just concentrate on the future you have now .No one is perfect and we have all done things we regret !

The amount of posters telling you to tell your fiancé the truth...no, sorry. You don't owe him an explanation for anything before he met you. Certainly not from when you were a child ffs

Exactly, it's weird. You don't owe him an explanation.

The only problems here are: the need to forgive yourself and identifying when people don't have good intentions towards you. Work on these things

^^

@SkaterGrrrrl. 🤘

Just tell the truth...I think this is more common than people I realise.

I also told friends I was raped at 13 for, presumably, attention or to be 'special'. As yours mine was a total made up story and didnt frame anyone.

I'd had a reasonably hard childhood which meant I had MH issues and this was one of the symptoms.

Cut yourself some slack, come clean but be kind to yourself.

@gamerchick.

Exactly. My Dh asked me what was occupying me so intensely? I told him about the OP's original post. He knew exactly where I was coming from.
I saw him go a bit grim, then he said "She doesn't owe him an explanation no more than you do I ". The font of peaceful wisdom has spoken.😀. Then
added, "People should mind their own business". We've a name for men in Scotland who conduct themselves in such a fashion - Sweetie Wives.

Absolutely bizarre for her to tell her husband that and for him to repeat it to your husband. Stay away from those people, they are not nice. You are absolutely not obliged to tell your DH anything. Marriage does not buy access to every thought inside your head at any point in your life. It might be easiest to make it casual ‘oh, we all used to make up stories when we were 13. How weird she would repeat that to her husband.’

Honey, you do what you think is best. If you want to come clean to your OH, do so. If you want to keep it a closed book, do it. If you want to tell xfriend to stfu and mind her own business. Do it. But whatever you decide to do, here’s a hug 🤗 and some flowers 💐 xx

Yoksha

What a moving account - it is amazing what our minds and bodies can do to protect us. Inside, we know that something dreadful has happened but don't now what; outside we behave in ways that seem inexplicable, but it is due to our unrecognised pain and confusion.

I hope that you are easier in your mind now. You had a horrific experience.

Christ, imagine what the world would be like if we all had to carry such burdens of stupid things we did when we were children!

OP, relax. Breathe. What you did was wrong but it didn't hurt anyone and you were A CHILD.

When I was in primary school I was playing duck duck goose. This girl I was a bit jealous of didn't make me the goose. I lost it and smacked her in the face. I know that sounds bad, but if you knew me you'd be gobsmacked to hear that story because I am a very mild mannered, non violent person. I wouldn't say boo to a goose. It was totally out of character. I still feel bad about it now, but I don't let it consume me. I was just a kid, and kids have terrible judgement and are still learning how to behave.

It doesn't excuse it. It was wrong. But it's really not the big deal you are making it out to be.

Also, your "friend" is shit stirring on purpose.

I don't think OP is coming back..

I don't know if the OP is still around but I would honestly deny all knowledge.

Jeez what a thing for your friend to do. Tell her husband who tells your fiance.

A 13 year old girl barely into adolescence with a mental health issue had no obligation to explain herself to anyone.

I would just say you don't know what she is on about and that it didnt happen.

And I'd cut new friend off.

Wow you’re being so hard on yourself. You were a young child who made a stupid mistake. I would echo what others have said around the amount of work you’ve don’t on yourself over the years.

I would not tell your husband you lied as that might change how he sees you. I would just say that you’ve put it behind you and you don’t want to talk about it. I don’t agree that the friend should not have told her husband. It was obviously something she was deeply effected by. It was probably very clumsy her her husband to tell your husband though.

Please don’t drive yourself demented with this. Be kind to yourself 💐

@SchadenfreudePersonified.

Thanks for 💐. I live & love. Nothing else too complicated. Take care.
Love your name btw.😂

Firstly,

Secondly, I don't see the need for you to lay bare everything to your DP. You were 13, dredging up the past is likely to cause more difficulties than it solves.

Thirdly, you don't need to lie, you can be accurately factual which still keeps you 'honest' but draws a line under it all the same.

E.G. 'It was a long time ago and I've deliberately shut the door on that incident and moved on. I don't want to undo the progress I've made, so I'd prefer not to revisit that time in my life.'

You are not lying.

Be kind to yourself.

I disagree with the above poster. That's basically still implying that the op suffered sexual abuse as a young Child, which isn't true. This isn't fair to make her partner think that.

Personally I would say you don’t want to say anything, you have had counselling and it isn’t as bad as this woman made out.

Technically you haven’t lied.

Suppose your husband was not the kind loving husband he is and he got to hear about this from a 3rd party.

This woman needs to wind her neck in.

Whether something happened or not is not for public gossip

I would be directing my anger at her.