Disgusting lie from my past has caught up with me

[NameChango]

To start with I'm not making any excuses, when I was younger I was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure why, I think a lot of it was attention seeking, trying to make my life sound more interesting and it got out of hand. It got to a point the lies would come out before I'd even realised. Over the years I got caught out on many a white lie, even the most pointless little details, I simply couldn't keep up with my own lies and I lost many friends and relationships due to it. Totally deserved. Around 20 I hit rock bottom and realised I had a problem, I seeked counselling, got help with my anxiety and made a vow to not say anything that isn't both truthful and kind. That thought process is so engrained in my mind I still think of it almost daily, and I've not told a single lie, even the tiniest harmless one in a decade. I'm a different person, I'm engaged, I have a gorgeous baby. I'm truly happy.

However, as bad as the many white lies were. I told some massive, horrific ones that still haunt me to remember. The main one was that I claimed to a friend that I was sexually assaulted. I was 13 and the story I made up was horrific. I won't go into details but it was a disgusting thing to lie about and I'm truly ashamed. I didn't frame anyone, it was a made up situation with a made up person. I told the lie once and realised I'd ducked up and when I was ever asked about it again I just said I didn't want to talk about it. I never had the decency to admit it was a lie.

The old friend I told this to 17 years ago and I had totally lost touch for over a decade. I cut off pretty much everyone from my childhood, who hadn't already done so to me, to escape from the shame I guess. However my fiancé works with her now husband, I didn't know until he said to me this morning that he wishes I had told him. I asked him what he wished I'd told him and he said that his work friends wife's sent her well wishes to me, would love to catch up, and had apparently said she's glad to here I overcame the brutal assault and have a lovely family, said that it's always haunted her what I went through and she finds it hard to forget. He's asked to speak tonight after I said to him that I didn't want to talk about it.

I'm fucked. I wish I could go back in time and apologise. I wish I could. Back then I deserved everything I got, and I got a lot. I lost everything and everyone and isolated myself entirely for years until I slowly built a new life, as a new person. How can I tell my fiancé that I told such a vile lie. I could lose my entire family. But I promised I would never tell another lie, and I can't get away with repeatedly saying I don't want to talk about it.

Please no judgement, I'm as disgusted as you will be reading this, but I am a totally different person now and I just don't know what to do. 17 years is a long time and I just don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be brilliant.

I've changed my name, out of sheer shame. I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.

I think I would say that best advice (no need to say from whom or where - actually it is yourself!) is that you don't talk about this at all. You harmed no one but yourself with this story, and thank goodness you did not name or frame anyone at all. I think some self-care is needed here. Your fiance is a different matter. Still your choice what you tell or don't tell. You have made a wonderful job of changing your habits as a young teenager. I wish you a long and peaceful life, knowing you are such a worthwhile person. Sending love.

The Op never said it was brutal. Don't get carried away psycho analysing her childhood or trying to make her a victim or a bigger one than she is. It helps no one.

the friend told her dh, who drunkenly mentioned it to your dp.

most people as above, tell their dh's everything.

Why is it a strange thing to pass to her husband. Surely most people share everything with their spouse.

agree, no secrets between me and my dh

Enidblyton, I don't agree, why would you tell your husband about something you were told in confidence when u were 13?

only 17 years has passed in the op's case.

and yes of course i would tell

if anything her DH is the gobby twat.

I don’t share private information friends have shared in confidence with my DP and I wouldn’t expect my friends to share things like that with their partners either. I have been sexually assaulted and I would be very annoyed if I found out any of the friends I’ve shared it with have told their partners. Obviously you don’t keep secrets related to yourself or your DC etc from a partner but if a friend shares something private with you then it shouldn’t go any further (unless there’s a very good reason to need to share it).

OP I would say to your dh you've had counselling and you don't want to talk about.

Both true statements.

And if it had have been true what happened, your old friend is an arsehole, as is her dh and your dh. You would owe NO one a chance to 'discuss it's.

No secrets between yourselves is ok but this would be someone else’s secrets not to be shared.

Say it was a tall tale that got out of hand.
You need to forgive yourself for being a troubled child. You obviously created a fantasy life for a reason beyond your control.

I would totally play it down and act surprised at how the story evolved.

Do you think she either knows or suspects it was a lie?

You should be honest about the fact that you used to tell lies. Own that.

@EnidBlyton

Why is it a strange thing to pass to her husband. Surely most people share everything with their spouse.

There's no secrets between me and my dh

If a friend confides in you, it's not really YOUR secret to blab though IS it?

This is the reason that I don't tell ANYTHING to ANYONE that I wouldn't want other people to know. Just in case they're one of these 'I tell my DH/DP EVERYTHING' arseholes.

My friends have confided in me a number of times about issues that are intimate and private, and about their physical and mental health worries, and issues in their relationship. No way in fucking hell would I toddle off home and blab it all to my DH.

What a bizarre, and frankly unpleasant thing to do.

And for the DH to then start blabbing it to other people, is just nasty, toxic, and very spiteful and childish behaviour.

The 'friend' of the OP is a fucking twat, and her DH is just as bad. And I would be ghosting the pair of them pretty fucking sharpish!

*OP I would say to your dh you've had counselling and you don't want to talk about.

Both true statements.*

They’re both true statements but it leads the OP’s dh to believe that his wife was horrifically raped as a child which I think is really unfair considering it’s not true. I also think it would cause problems later down the line of OP knows her DH thinks she was raped and the DH thinks she has this traumatic thing in her past, you can’t just say you don’t want to talk about it and expect the DH to forget about it forever. If he thinks it’s true it will change on some level how he feels and acts towards her, not necessarilly in a bad way but it will become the elephant in the room for both parties, only one because he’s devastated his wife went through such a horrific thing and didn’t even tell him and the other because she’s guilty and terrified of her lie being found out. That sort of deceit will possibly even break the marriage at some point.

I think the best thing is to ensure the DH knows it’s not true, no need to share all the details about the lying but OP should just explain it was a stupid lie told as a child that got out of hand and led to lots of rumours, that OP has had counselling since to unpick the reasons she lied about things as a child and that of course she had no idea her friend would still remember it as it was so long ago.

Sorry, haven't rtft but I think come clean, how your anxiety was an issue that was making you say these things and that you have had therapy to overcome it. In itself, that is as big a trauma as if the actual event had occured. I would understand if someone told me your story.

Your partner will really, really need to know that this DIDN'T happen. It will haunt him if he thinks it did and that would be the thing that destroyed the relationship, if anything.

Op I was similar at 15, used to pretend I had a wealthy dad and ten brothers, in reality my dad didn’t want to know and I was an only child.

We all make mistakes op, just be honest and move on.

It's a long time ago and obviously you were very young at the time. I would come clean with your partner rather than tell more lies to try to fix it.

By the way, you mention 'white lies' many times in your posts, for some reason.

White lies are something completely different - calling these lies 'white lies' doesn't make it better.

Very weird behaviour by your friend, her husband, your husband (why wait to talk to you about it) and you (why leave him believing this happened to you all day)

@TigerOnATrain you're absolutely right about people who tell their partners everything!

I can't recall the number of times I've read threads on MN where posters are absolutely convinced it's their right to tell their partners things which have been told to them in confidence.

It's staggering and, frankly, disgusting that confidences are betrayed routinely by these people.

I’m with others.
Just show your fiancé your initial post here and take it from there.

As for your old friend - speechless. She had no way of knowing it was not true, believes it is true YET thought it was perfectly okay to tell this yo her DH and disseminate the information. God knows how many others have had this story when your name has come up. This is not okay, it is never okay to share that information with anyone. It is the victims story to share not someone else’s story to blab to others (including their DH).

She was out of order discussing what she thought was a real life trauma with anyone!!! I would be honest with your DP.

I really think your former friend spoke out of turn to mention it all. Many women go through real experiences like this, and don't share it wth their husbands who they met years later. She really should have kept quiet on this.

FGS - what man wants their wife's former sexual assault brought up at a work's do? I really can't believe they did this.

No advice really - lots of others have given you advice - whatever you decide, tell your DH not to share it with his colleagues.

I really feel for you. This so called friend and her husband are either completely insensitive or complete shit stirrers.
Nobody on here can tell you what to do.
You were 13.
Do what you think is right, but make sure that your response can draw a line under it. Please don’t beat yourself up.