To start with I'm not making any excuses, when I was younger I was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure why, I think a lot of it was attention seeking, trying to make my life sound more interesting and it got out of hand. It got to a point the lies would come out before I'd even realised. Over the years I got caught out on many a white lie, even the most pointless little details, I simply couldn't keep up with my own lies and I lost many friends and relationships due to it. Totally deserved. Around 20 I hit rock bottom and realised I had a problem, I seeked counselling, got help with my anxiety and made a vow to not say anything that isn't both truthful and kind. That thought process is so engrained in my mind I still think of it almost daily, and I've not told a single lie, even the tiniest harmless one in a decade. I'm a different person, I'm engaged, I have a gorgeous baby. I'm truly happy.
However, as bad as the many white lies were. I told some massive, horrific ones that still haunt me to remember. The main one was that I claimed to a friend that I was sexually assaulted. I was 13 and the story I made up was horrific. I won't go into details but it was a disgusting thing to lie about and I'm truly ashamed. I didn't frame anyone, it was a made up situation with a made up person. I told the lie once and realised I'd ducked up and when I was ever asked about it again I just said I didn't want to talk about it. I never had the decency to admit it was a lie.
The old friend I told this to 17 years ago and I had totally lost touch for over a decade. I cut off pretty much everyone from my childhood, who hadn't already done so to me, to escape from the shame I guess. However my fiancé works with her now husband, I didn't know until he said to me this morning that he wishes I had told him. I asked him what he wished I'd told him and he said that his work friends wife's sent her well wishes to me, would love to catch up, and had apparently said she's glad to here I overcame the brutal assault and have a lovely family, said that it's always haunted her what I went through and she finds it hard to forget. He's asked to speak tonight after I said to him that I didn't want to talk about it.
I'm fucked. I wish I could go back in time and apologise. I wish I could. Back then I deserved everything I got, and I got a lot. I lost everything and everyone and isolated myself entirely for years until I slowly built a new life, as a new person. How can I tell my fiancé that I told such a vile lie. I could lose my entire family. But I promised I would never tell another lie, and I can't get away with repeatedly saying I don't want to talk about it.
Please no judgement, I'm as disgusted as you will be reading this, but I am a totally different person now and I just don't know what to do. 17 years is a long time and I just don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be brilliant.
I've changed my name, out of sheer shame. I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.