Disgusting lie from my past has caught up with me

[NameChango]

To start with I'm not making any excuses, when I was younger I was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure why, I think a lot of it was attention seeking, trying to make my life sound more interesting and it got out of hand. It got to a point the lies would come out before I'd even realised. Over the years I got caught out on many a white lie, even the most pointless little details, I simply couldn't keep up with my own lies and I lost many friends and relationships due to it. Totally deserved. Around 20 I hit rock bottom and realised I had a problem, I seeked counselling, got help with my anxiety and made a vow to not say anything that isn't both truthful and kind. That thought process is so engrained in my mind I still think of it almost daily, and I've not told a single lie, even the tiniest harmless one in a decade. I'm a different person, I'm engaged, I have a gorgeous baby. I'm truly happy.

However, as bad as the many white lies were. I told some massive, horrific ones that still haunt me to remember. The main one was that I claimed to a friend that I was sexually assaulted. I was 13 and the story I made up was horrific. I won't go into details but it was a disgusting thing to lie about and I'm truly ashamed. I didn't frame anyone, it was a made up situation with a made up person. I told the lie once and realised I'd ducked up and when I was ever asked about it again I just said I didn't want to talk about it. I never had the decency to admit it was a lie.

The old friend I told this to 17 years ago and I had totally lost touch for over a decade. I cut off pretty much everyone from my childhood, who hadn't already done so to me, to escape from the shame I guess. However my fiancé works with her now husband, I didn't know until he said to me this morning that he wishes I had told him. I asked him what he wished I'd told him and he said that his work friends wife's sent her well wishes to me, would love to catch up, and had apparently said she's glad to here I overcame the brutal assault and have a lovely family, said that it's always haunted her what I went through and she finds it hard to forget. He's asked to speak tonight after I said to him that I didn't want to talk about it.

I'm fucked. I wish I could go back in time and apologise. I wish I could. Back then I deserved everything I got, and I got a lot. I lost everything and everyone and isolated myself entirely for years until I slowly built a new life, as a new person. How can I tell my fiancé that I told such a vile lie. I could lose my entire family. But I promised I would never tell another lie, and I can't get away with repeatedly saying I don't want to talk about it.

Please no judgement, I'm as disgusted as you will be reading this, but I am a totally different person now and I just don't know what to do. 17 years is a long time and I just don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be brilliant.

I've changed my name, out of sheer shame. I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.

I’m shocked she’s discussed what she thought was your horrific experience like that.

You were 13, you know you were wrong, you’ve had counselling, you didn’t get anyone into trouble, you didn’t waste police time, you didn’t waste the time of medical professionals and you didn’t repeat the lie ever again. If it was my husband who did that I would ‘forgive him’ (can’t think of the word I mean, there’d be nothing for me to forgive but I’m sure you understand what I mean), I wouldn’t leave him for it and I’m often told I leave people too easily!

I think the work friend's wife knows it wasn't true and is stirring. Which is a horrendous thing to do when it was nearly 20 years ago. People change, pretty much everyone I know has a story of their class compulsive liar from school. I remember ours. I'm sure some grow up to stay that way but I bet most don't because it's clearly a response to something going on in their lives at the time. To want to dig it all up 17 years later is petty, because the likelihood is that you've changed. You're getting married and have a baby, this could clearly cause you issues. I think she's been overly harsh.

I'm sorry OP, I think you may have to tell your fiancé.

You need to come clean with your DP, you were 13, it was a stupid and dreadful lie but you were a child and it’s not like you’ve done anything since to keep the lie going and you’ve not been dishonest towards him.

The old friend however was completely out of order to mention it to her husband, if it were true it would be distressing to both you and your DP to have it brought up and it wasn’t her business to share with anybody and it seems odd for anybody to bring up a colleague’s traumatic past at wirk.

All I can think is the friend has always known you were lying and was trying intentionally to catch you out/ force you to come clean to your husband. I can’t believe somebody who believes it was true would bring it up so casually but somebody wanting to catch out a liar definitely might.

but if the story was as awful as you said perhaps she was really worried about you, all these years, and was genuinely glad you were ok

What a strange thing for her husband to bring up!

Was it just this one friend you told this particular lie to?

I think she was way out of line mentioning such a personal thing in a text?! SImply say you don't want to discuss it at the moment but will talk when you are ready. Then tell him the truth when you are ready.

but if the story was as awful as you said perhaps she was really worried about you, all these years, and was genuinely glad you were ok

You STILL wouldn't gossip about it to your husband though!

OP, I had a friend confess to me that she had been telling me a lie about her childhood. She took me for a long walk and sat down with me and told me sincerely and tearfully that she was young when she told me the lie and she was ashamed of herself and didn't know how to stop telling it. She was sorry and she wouldn't do it again. I felt so sad for her. It made no difference to me. She had held all of this pain inside of her. And she was such a lovely person now. I knew that she felt bad. Maybe the shame even guided her to be a better person in hidden ways, I figure. You need to tell your fiance--and then give him a little time to react. Because he needs to sit with the feelings and make sure his reaction is sincere. He can have complicated feelings because it is complicated information and he will want to honor the gift of what you told him, and be as truthful with you as you are with him. It could be something that even brings you closer and brings greater trust, if he is a good man and you are a good woman. My sister, all of us are broken and full of shame. And we also have beauty and strength inside of us as well.

It crossed my mind that she was stirring things up for you OP. I think the important thing is you didn’t tell this lie to your fiancé.

Good luck op. Admitting fault and changing yourself shows how sorry you are. Tell him the truth, you were a silly young girl and are very sorry for what you said.

Aww don't beat yourself up, you were just a child. Children do stupid things which you wouldn't do as a grown up, especially as you've had therapy etc. You could just tell your DH it was something random you said when you were a child, that you used to make things up. I don't think he'd hold it against you.

Your friend was out of line to tell anyone about something which (if it were true) would most likely have been told to her in the strictest confidence.

Just tell him she’s mistaken and move on. It’s not unusual for people to make stuff like this up.

Tell DP the truth, that you were a child, maybe attention seeking, who knows?
No need to say anything to friend/her DH. Ask your DP to shut it down (‘don’t want to discuss/it’s in the past’) if her DH brings it up again.
It’s years ago. Forgive yourself.

You have to tell him the truth op. Or else the lie continues. You were 13,you didn't tell this lie last year. Yes it's still not good but you're not the same person as you were back then and you were just a child. If your partner knows and loves you I am sure he will understand.

Ah I feel for you OP. I think in the context of the other lies you told, you've blown this lie out of proportion in your mind. Your fiance will not leave you because of it. Just put yourself in his shoes - would you leave him because of a mistake he made when he was a child?

Does he know that you used to lie a lot? Just say to him 'actually, I'm really ashamed to say, this was one of the lies I told'.

Presumably you've already told your fiancé that you used to have a problem lying when you were younger.

I would not want to get married to someone I didn't know well enough to have told me that about themselves

I’ve also got to say that I’d be disappointed in any man who held against his wife something she did or said when she was a 13yr old child.
I mean, my 15yr old daughter isn’t a pathological liar that I’m aware of but like all her peers she does and says the most ridiculous things sometimes. There’s often lots of drama, angst and exaggeration and yet there’s far less of each than there was when she was 13. I’m sure her 30yr old self will cringe at her 13yr old self and I’d be very at any 30yr old partner that judged her on such things.

Who the fuck is she to share that with her husband and then for him to tell YOURS.

You were a child. Give yourself a break. But you don’t need to tell them that. It’s none of their business and quite frankly I can’t believe they’d even bring that up as adults. You may have chosen not to tell your husband about it (if it was the truth).

Show him your opening post in this thread. It's well written. I have nothing but sympathy for you. It'll be OK, and the weight will be lifted.

A really unpleasant thing to make up, agreed. But I don't think it is as big a deal as you are feeling in your head.

You were a child when you told the lie and he will be relieved that those awful things haven't actually happened to you. You didn't tell him before now because who tells their partner about a lie they told a friend as a child - you could have easily have not even remembered. There doesn't need to be a conversation with the friend at all unless you want there to be/feel you should but her straight.

So long as you are honest with him now, I can't see that it would affect your relationship.

@myidentitymycrisis, she was a child at the time. I agree with openness in a relationship but that doesn’t necessarily include silly things we did as children.

What a woman you are. At a young age you recognized a serious problem and committed to changing it. Hold you head high and look at your very young self with compassion. Look to that other younger self who put the hard work into change. Both of those stages in your life have led you here, with dp and child. Tell dp. But don't confess or fall on your sword. Leave out the shame.
It is a chapter in your life that is well and truly over. Let it be over. It is embarrassing yes. But nothing more than that.
Also: that was a bloody awful drunk conversation for that guy to have with your dp. Imagine if it had been true???

Why would it ruin everything? It won't. You just need to tell the truth to your fiance, like you did on here! I think you're overthinking it, he won't leave you over a lie you told when you were 13, and if he did- wow he wouldn't be worth getting married to anyway.

It's not you anymore. Tell him the truth, exactly as you told us. He might disapprove or be shocked when you first tell him, but if he's a nice person and loves you he should be able to understand. You were 13, children sometimes express their unhappiness in dramatic ways.