Disgusting lie from my past has caught up with me

[NameChango]

To start with I'm not making any excuses, when I was younger I was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure why, I think a lot of it was attention seeking, trying to make my life sound more interesting and it got out of hand. It got to a point the lies would come out before I'd even realised. Over the years I got caught out on many a white lie, even the most pointless little details, I simply couldn't keep up with my own lies and I lost many friends and relationships due to it. Totally deserved. Around 20 I hit rock bottom and realised I had a problem, I seeked counselling, got help with my anxiety and made a vow to not say anything that isn't both truthful and kind. That thought process is so engrained in my mind I still think of it almost daily, and I've not told a single lie, even the tiniest harmless one in a decade. I'm a different person, I'm engaged, I have a gorgeous baby. I'm truly happy.

However, as bad as the many white lies were. I told some massive, horrific ones that still haunt me to remember. The main one was that I claimed to a friend that I was sexually assaulted. I was 13 and the story I made up was horrific. I won't go into details but it was a disgusting thing to lie about and I'm truly ashamed. I didn't frame anyone, it was a made up situation with a made up person. I told the lie once and realised I'd ducked up and when I was ever asked about it again I just said I didn't want to talk about it. I never had the decency to admit it was a lie.

The old friend I told this to 17 years ago and I had totally lost touch for over a decade. I cut off pretty much everyone from my childhood, who hadn't already done so to me, to escape from the shame I guess. However my fiancé works with her now husband, I didn't know until he said to me this morning that he wishes I had told him. I asked him what he wished I'd told him and he said that his work friends wife's sent her well wishes to me, would love to catch up, and had apparently said she's glad to here I overcame the brutal assault and have a lovely family, said that it's always haunted her what I went through and she finds it hard to forget. He's asked to speak tonight after I said to him that I didn't want to talk about it.

I'm fucked. I wish I could go back in time and apologise. I wish I could. Back then I deserved everything I got, and I got a lot. I lost everything and everyone and isolated myself entirely for years until I slowly built a new life, as a new person. How can I tell my fiancé that I told such a vile lie. I could lose my entire family. But I promised I would never tell another lie, and I can't get away with repeatedly saying I don't want to talk about it.

Please no judgement, I'm as disgusted as you will be reading this, but I am a totally different person now and I just don't know what to do. 17 years is a long time and I just don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be brilliant.

I've changed my name, out of sheer shame. I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.

You were a child. Tell him.

I agree with the poster above who said you are being harsh on yourself.

It was a long time ago, you were very young and not only that you have overcome the behaviours you recognised as being destructive and moved on.

Be kind to yourself. Most people did things when younger that they regret and whats important is that you move on and change your behaviour which you have.

Show him what you have written here. Its clear, remorseful and full of honesty. You've not sugar coated anything in your post and admitted the error of your teenage self.

Go you for getting the help.

On the other side though, I am in agreement with other mumsnetters in regards to this old friend. If this had been true then there is no way she shouldn't have revealed this. Massive repercussions could have come from that.

I'm sorry to any survivors of any sexual assaults reading this for belittling what you went through. I was a stupid young girl.

OP thank you for apologising. That must be really difficult. I am a survivor and I was accused in court of telling people for attention, in court by his defence lawyer (amongst other things). Luckily the jury saw through this at the second trial; after a hung jury the first time around.

You were 13, you were obviously in need of some support which you got. It is really brave of you to own what you did. You did not accuse anyone, so no one was directly affected by this.

You now realise the implications of making false claims. It is a survivor's worst nightmare not to be believed. There is a narrative that false allegations are common but in actual fact they are incredibly rare and usually made by someone who needs some support, as a cry for help. And they usually don't name anyone. So you are not alone.

You need to be honest to your fiancé, but he has to understand, you were a child. I'm sure there are plenty of things he did that he is now embarrassed or ashamed of. I'm sure he will understand. He loves you.

What I can't understand is that your old friend told her husband who blurted it out. They had no right to do that to you. If it was true, you still might not have told him, not everyone wants to share something so difficult.

Take care and deep breaths.

I really think she knows you lied and passed on the message maliciously, which says more about her than you as adults.

This.

Tell your DH that it was a childhood lie that you were deeply ashamed of, /why you said if if counselling helped you figure out why. Tell him nobody was named or harmed.

I can’t fathom why somebody would bring this up so many years later for any good reason.

I'd just say to your fiancé that if you had anything about your past you wished to tell him, then you would.

Show him this thread. You've been honest.
When I read it OP, I didn't feel you were a bad person. You told a lie as a child. A hormonal mixed up girl. You've came out the other side.

Btw I know somebody who did this when they were very young. They even named the guy at the time.

Once it was cleared up and after the initial anger, people felt only pity for the girl. The anger was justified as she named a local boy whose name I can’t remember. I still remember hers though.

If she really believed you, really and truly, she wouldn't have said anything.

If someone confined in me that they were sexually assaulted, no way on earth would I message a total stranger about it shortly after I met them just because they happened to be married to them 17 years later.

She knows you were lying, shes dropping you in the shit.

She's an arsehole.

*confided not confined

I'm sorry but I suspect she knew you were lying and is trying to catch you out. Who says such a thing to someone's husband? ie about your brutal assault as a child? I was sexually assaulted at 12 and at this age I lacked the language skills to explain things to people. What raises red flags for me is how did you know at 13 how to describe a brutal sexual assault to someone. If you were able to do this then I am worried what sort of childhood you had. As someone who was assaulted as a child...if there is one thing I have learnt it is that a child at 13 is still a child and you can not beat yourself up as an adult for choices you made as a child. Forgive yourself, explain to your husband what happened and that you addressed it with therapy and move on. You do not need to explain yourself to your friend - only your husband. Good luck to you.

Just say to you're husband that it was a stupid lie you told when you were just thirteen and seeking attention. It didn't happen, but obviously you'd basically forgotten about it and would be too embarrassed to correct her.

I am 100% sure he won't think any less of you.

How does she know you are married to him? Has she followed your social media?

Echoing other PPs, OP you have nothing to be ashamed of.

My perspective is that you are about to marry a man you love, who loves you.

He needs to know about this, to avoid a similar problem cropping up from another person in your past, any time in the future.

I has an abusive exH and it took a huge amount of courage to tell my now DH about it. He totally respected me for it, was able to support me and it made our relationship stronger.

You do not know what lies ahead but you will be stronger together without secrets. Give your fiancé the chance to understand your courage in turning your life around and to support you with this situation now.

Echoing to just tell him it was something you made up. Trust him that he will understand.

If you aren’t ready to go into details about how much and often you lied, that’s ok. But he will be so relieved to know this didn’t happen to you and that you have not been keeping such a major life event from him.

Just trust him. He will understand.

And forgive your child self for this. You were just a little girl. You grew and changed and overcame it! That is amazing

You were 13. You need to forgive yourself for this and you need to be honest with your DP.

I also think you are being too harsh in yourself OP. You were a child, you misled someone - but as you say, you never framed anyone, no one got in trouble, you just earned some sympathy under false pretences

Just tell your DP what you said here - it was a lie for attention when you were a child, it wasn't aimed at a real person and no one got in trouble. There's not even a need to tell him about everything else, but if it will make you feel more at ease should anything else come back to him, you could say you used to have a habit of lying for attention when you were young, but you sought help and now you don't do it.

I'd just say to your fiancé that if you had anything about your past you wished to tell him, then you would.

This...

Totally agree that you need to be upfront and honest with your DP. If you don't want to show him that you've posted on here maybe re-write it as a letter to him? My heart totally goes out to you and I hope you can forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up for something which you did as a child.

I don't think it's that outrageous for your old friend to have told her husband - "oh I used to be mates with her, it was horrible what happened..."etc. Married couples do share secrets!! I bet there's plenty on here who would have mentioned it if their paths crossed with an old friend. Obviously her DH was a dick to tell your DP but it's not that much of a surprise if they were pissed at the time.

I'd tell him your friend is mistaken. You shouldn't worry about upsetting her or her DH. Not only has she blabbed this information to her DH - he has then gone on and told your DH. Neither of them are your friends. And it is not relevant if you lied.

I think the friend might know you lied and was trying to drop you in it.
Even if she believed you I have no idea why she thought it was appropriate to share that information with her DH who then passed it on to your fiance.

However, no-one can take it back. You need to come clean to your fiance. Just explain what you have done in your OP - write it down and give him it on paper if that is easier.
You were 13 and didn't realize the implications of making stuff like that up. You later realized you had problems and had counselling and developed strategies to deal with it.
You no longer lie. That's why you need to tell fiance the truth.
You can't now re-tell your assault story because it wouldn't be the truth and you'd have to live with it. Once you lie you have to keep on lying. The lies add up - you need to lie to cover up the last lie.

Just tell him OP.

I was sexually assaulted at 12 and at this age I lacked the language skills to explain things to people. What raises red flags for me is how did you know at 13 how to describe a brutal sexual assault to someone. If you were able to do this then I am worried what sort of childhood you had.

This is a very good point. Something happened in your life which seriously disturbed you - maybe you coped by blanking out the details, but enough remained to

a) cause you to feel the need to lie, repeatedly, and even when you derived no benefit from it - this is a cry for help

b) provide you with a scenario to lie about, which most children of that age wouldn't even be able to imagine

Something awful did happen to you; perhaps you tried to tell people and no-one believed you, and you responded by becoming increasingly outrageous in your attempt to be heard.

I'm speculating, obviously, but I really agree with ittakes2 that something had thrown you into a state of distress and confusion, and this caused you to start lying in the first place.

Hi, op.

Do you think she's calling your bluff. It sounds like she'd already decided it wasn't true, hence, bringing it up in such a casual way (not that sexual assalt is casual, to be clear).

That women was not your friend.

Who does that to someone? I'd never repeat that to anyone.

That said... Be honest with your fiance - you were only 23. He'll understand - and if he doesn't then he's not the one for you.

I had a friend just like you when I was the same age, she lied about everything from rape to cancer. I hope she got therapy like you did and turned her life around. I just see her as an unhappy child who couldn’t articulate her real problems (no idea what they were) and something in her needed the attentions the lies bring