Stupid things people have said to you about your child with ASD.

[pinkytheunicorn]

Humour me. I'm growing a thicker skin and getting better at taking things on the chin. My DD is only three and a half and was diagnosed in the summer. She is autistic. Doesn't do a lot of the stereotypical things, she's like a little adult to speak to and struggles hugely with groups of peers, unfamiliar people and places etc. Her learning is off the scale and she loves to quote facts and 'do you remember when' things to familiar people. She is a little weird, bless her heart but she's my little weird one and I adore her.

I'm trying to look on the bright side (of peoples idiocy and ignorance not her diagnosis generally- it is what it is and we are doing our best to help now we know what we're dealing with) But four short months after diagnosis I've already heard some corkers. Some amuse me in a weird way, some hurt. I know some people think I'm a shit parent, and that I've made my daughter the way she is - not in a good way - and that stings.

So, come on share some of the stupid things people have said to you, so I can feel less alone and also like it could be worse!

So far, mine have been:

• Is she like that because you're a stay at home mum and she's never been put in childcare? You should have gone back to work
• If you stopped pandering to her she'd be less clingy she's not clingy, idiot
• No wonder she can't mix, you never took her to soft play/toddler groups because she hated them and would shake with terror you fuckwit
• She's spoilt and mollycoddled ^

-^ She's not got ASD surely, she's so clever, she's just shy/anxious

• Oh just bring her to the cinema/soft play/my house full of kids she'll be fine it's you that makes her anxious

Anyone got any to add??

Have you tried changing her diet?
My favourite one though was from her absent father who basically said ‘she is like this because you went to pieces when I left you’ erm no she isn’t.

It's because he's a middle child.
Are you sure, he doesn't look autistic?

Your dd sounds fabulous op.

My favourite (heard a thousand times), ‘he’s just naughty’. Yes he can be naughty but much of what others describe as naughty is him being petrified of a world that he’s trying to make sense of or trying to communicate.

‘He’ll grow out of it’ please tell me when!

‘It’s because you didn’t breastfeed’

My son is 18 now and people say things to his face.

@Hotpinkangel19 I forgot the middle child one!

"don't be silly she's just a shy child" talking of dd 13 with chronic anxiety and separation issues. and ASD.

The classic, He doesn't look autistic?, Ds is now 16 and still get this from family members.

I have a DS with ADHD. My latest one was ‘ but you can see from his eyes he knows what he is doing and it is deliberate’ . From a teacher.

Oh and ‘ at least you have your other DC’

She's just a bit lively
She's just a bit excitable
She'll calm down soon
She's not asd/adhd, just energetic (few months later.... can we do some asd tests please?)
She's fine. All kids are like that.
He's too clever to be dyslexic
He's too clever to have adhd
He is too good at maths to be dyslexic

For several kids, over more than 10 years

He’s not autistic, his grandparents are spoiling him.
Maybe you should give him less cola (he doesn’t drink anything fizzy, doesn’t like the sensation of the bubbles)

Ha - so many things!

"Are you sure? Have you had him re-tested?"

"They won't assess him unless he is sitting, rocking in the corner" - that was a teacher

To be honest the ones that get on my nerves are the patronising ones meant nicely (and I'm probably an arsehole for getting annoyed by them!) - examples include

"As long as he is loved he'll be ok"
"Ha ha - oh that was so autistic!"

My DD has ADHD. Ones that I can remember off the top of my head.

• "well just tell her to stop." This was when she's was being hyperactive because obviously telling her not to display ADHD symptoms will instantly cure her - who needs doctors when just telling someone to not have a medical condition will cure them....)

• "you don't want to get a diagnosis because teachers will just give up trying to teach her". That was from a teacher. 😥 Actually getting her diagnosis has had the opposite effect and it's made it easier to get the extra help she needs at school.

You learn to grow a thick skin and either shrug it off or more lately I tend to come straight back with a more factual response when someone says something daft.

He's just really clever because he's an only child... Said by a health visitor, GP, nursery staff and reception class teacher... Until he was diagnosed with ASD and the they all apparently "knew all along."

And, yes, "he doesn't look autistic..."

“Oh my child has meltdowns too”. No, your child has tantrums. My child has a full on banging his head off the wall meltdown because he can’t cope, not because he’s not getting his own way.

“Why don’t you tell the dr he has adhd so he can have some of that medicine they get to calm them down?” Words failed me with that one

"How do you cope?" has popped up a few times.

We cope because we don't have any other alternative to coping and getting on with it. I'm never quite sure what they expect as a response to that. Should we just hand her back to the hospital then so we don't have to cope?

My son has ADHD.

I think what winds me up most is that when he has a good day at school it's held against him... 'you've proved you can behave, why can't you do that all the time?' Any any 'poor behaviour' is then seen as a choice. Erm, maybe he has good days and bad days just like everyone else?!

I’ve had that one Lindy2 - I said when the alternative is to abandon him in a field I don’t really have a fucking choice! funny how the people who say that never offer any practical support like taking them for a couple of hours for a bit of respite

Thank you all, you're making me feel better.
Some of these are awful.

Yes actually I've had the diet thing too @Ballstothisdotcom. DDs diet is not too bad actually, she doesn't eat as many vegetables as I'd like and she eats the same meals on a loop for weeks then changes but actually they are reasonably healthy and she eats loads of fruit and salad. I know lots of little children with ASD can be very restrictive with food so I count myself lucky there. 'Does she take a multivitamin?' Er yes, but that doesn't cure ASD. Maybe some spinach will help though, thanks for your input 

Ha, middle child @Hotpinkangel19 ? Perhaps you should have another one then! That'll fix it! There you go, sorted.

Not breastfeeding @Keepmewarm Fucking hell thats a new one on me. What is wrong with people?!

I have also been asked several times (including by my own mother who has since been educated!) if I regret giving the MMR. No no and no again and I gave it to my baby at the end of last year and shock I gave DD her preschool dose in the summer too. Jesus Christ.

@theSnuffster - oh this. Yes exactly!

'Get him to read a book about autism and talk to him about Bill Gates'.

This was from the community paediatrician at Ds's diagnosis appointment. Ds is 15 and was diagnosed last year. He wasn't invited to his own diagnosis appointment. I was asking the paediatrician for help and support as Ds was/is not coping and his late diagnosis has caused significant mental health issues (wishing he was no longer alive). This was the only advice she had when I asked if she could refer him on for help or offer support. She also said she wouldn't be seeing him again and that was it. Diagnosis and ditch. She couldn't have been more unhelpful if she tried.

Your dd sounds like my ds who's being assessed for asd at the moment.

There was a thread similar that I posted on.

I get -

are you sure? He doesn't look autistic? Maybe get a second opinion because he doesn't seem autistic to me, all kids do that.

He doesn’t look autistic is one I get a lot thanks to the media portrayal of people with asd. People are uneducated so unless you have to deal with it they have no idea. They only see certain types of the spectrum which are in the media so thy think that’s how all people with asd should act so when they don’t act like that it’s hard for people to understand.

One of my other favourites I’ve had a couple of times ( I’m a single mum so think this particularly encourages people saying this) ‘the universe only gives you challenges it knows you can meet. You must be a special person to have been given these challenges and chosen to be DC parent’

'She's just naughty' makes me laugh too. Of course she's just naughty sometimes. She's three. She was a bloody sod earlier, refusing to share with her sister for no good reason (she fully understands the concept) and then wanting every toy her sister had just to be a pain. Her sister is a baby, she irritates her sometimes. That's siblings and that's three year olds being a bit naughty.

That's not ASD though. Her ASD is completely different to that. When she cries loudly in an unfamiliar place, or stands high on her tiptoes, looks to the ceiling and screams because other children are simply moving around her, or claps her hands over her ears and hides when a motorbike passes, that's not being naughty.

I was told by my DD's headteacher that girls can't be autistic! She mysteriously left 3 weeks later, I'll never know if the formal complaint to the chair of governors, LEA and my MP had anything to do with it.