Stupid things people have said to you about your child with ASD.

[pinkytheunicorn]

Humour me. I'm growing a thicker skin and getting better at taking things on the chin. My DD is only three and a half and was diagnosed in the summer. She is autistic. Doesn't do a lot of the stereotypical things, she's like a little adult to speak to and struggles hugely with groups of peers, unfamiliar people and places etc. Her learning is off the scale and she loves to quote facts and 'do you remember when' things to familiar people. She is a little weird, bless her heart but she's my little weird one and I adore her.

I'm trying to look on the bright side (of peoples idiocy and ignorance not her diagnosis generally- it is what it is and we are doing our best to help now we know what we're dealing with) But four short months after diagnosis I've already heard some corkers. Some amuse me in a weird way, some hurt. I know some people think I'm a shit parent, and that I've made my daughter the way she is - not in a good way - and that stings.

So, come on share some of the stupid things people have said to you, so I can feel less alone and also like it could be worse!

So far, mine have been:

• Is she like that because you're a stay at home mum and she's never been put in childcare? You should have gone back to work
• If you stopped pandering to her she'd be less clingy she's not clingy, idiot
• No wonder she can't mix, you never took her to soft play/toddler groups because she hated them and would shake with terror you fuckwit
• She's spoilt and mollycoddled ^

-^ She's not got ASD surely, she's so clever, she's just shy/anxious

• Oh just bring her to the cinema/soft play/my house full of kids she'll be fine it's you that makes her anxious

Anyone got any to add??

My absolute favourite, said by a Social worker who knew DD was violent with me.
"Oh, but she's so pretty and wears make up, no one will ever know"

PIP assessor: you need no help with getting around as you told me just call your mum to get you....How is that living independently as an adult?

My son has recently been diagnosed with ASD and I’ve got to say I’m guilty of believing we all have ASD traits, I see it as a tree with different branches - my DS having mostly traits from the SPD branch however I also share some of the leaves from that branch too!

Oh dear lord.... some of these are awful and downright depressing!!

Especially the comments from teachers and medical professionals!

Our child has adhd and ASD. Because she’s social, funny, makes eye contact we get the world famous, she doesn’t look autistic statement too!

I will admit before being taking into this world I didn’t know a great deal about it, but I did have common sense and that alone tells me that I many not understand someone’s condition or need to fully understand it but I can show empathy and not dish out senseless advise on something I knew nothing about!!

'But she is nothing like him'

Said by more than one member of my family when we told them DD would be going for an autism assessment. Her older brother was already diagnosed.

I have little experience of autism but am now trying to educate myself, as my partner's son has autism..... so this is certainly a useful thread. I am sorry so many people show such insensitivity - especially, shockingly, medical professionals.

Many of these comments are clearly completely unacceptable, prejudiced or patronizing. However, I would say that some are motivated by the desire to say something seemingly positive and to avoid stigmatizing. For example, the 'We are all a bit on the spectrum' while incorrect, I imagine is trying to say 'I don't think I am better/different).... similarly, with the 'just a label' comment. And those comments that seem to downplay the seriousness..... or laud parents for coping...

I think people find it very hard to know what to say. So they often get it very wrong.

@Spacedust1 - I bet there's someone out there selling magnets as a cure!!

He’s just manipulative, don’t worry, we’ll break him.

She’s too verbose, and quite frankly has probably copied her stims from her sibling. Said sibling being much younger, and stims evidenced way before he was born.

@lborgia here but I wouldn’t read if I were you, Autism Speaks are a horrendous bunch of knobbers.

• We were at the park and my non-verbal son was walking in circles and mumbling to himself. An old woman approached me and told me he's possessed. I smiled and told her he's actually autistic. She said well it might be known under a different name now but it's still the same and gave me the number of a friend who can help him. I thanked her and told her I'll definitely call her friend.

• Another old woman, same park, told me I don't need to run after my (other autistic) son as the park is fenced and he can't run away. The park is fenced but attached to a preschool and a church and is quite big. I told her he might still disappear somewhere then sneak out if someone opens the gate as he has a tendency to run away and has no safety awareness. She said well if something happens to him then it's because God wanted it to happen.

• And like many of you, my ex blames me for getting them diagnosed and in therapy. He says it was a "self fulfilling prophecy".

Our son has severe autism so there's no doubt anyone is going to say are you sure but that doesn't stop the comments ☹️

He's too good looking to be autistic .

Take him to the casino he will make you rich.

Give him to me for a week I will sort him out.

What's his superpower.

It's a good job you've got other kids or you'd be gutted.

If he was mine I wouldn't be able to do it .

One lady once stared so bad at him having a meltdown in a shopping centre that she actually fell over a bin and landed face first on the floor, a big group of teenagers started clapping and calling her a dickhead 😂

My son is 30 now and in his childhood days asd was really unheard of. I was stopped by people a time or two in the street when he was in the middle of a major meltdown as they offered this pearl of wisdom " if he was mine I would give him something to cry about ! "
Even my parents didn't get it at first and as he was our first born people thought we were crap parents who weren't strict enough ! The highlight was two ladies from church who offered to tell me where I was going wrong ! They were shown the door !

My daughter has ADHD and ASD. When she was diagnosed my dad said "You shouldn't believe everything doctors tell you".

If I had £1 for every time ds' ASD was obviously related to watching too much tv I 'd be rich. He has no interest in tv whatsoever

He can't be autistic because my neighbour/colleague/friend has a son with autism and yours is nothing like him.

You do get use to it!

You develop a fantastic huge and ability not to respond leaving them in silence and often feeling like they have to cover up their ignorance.

My ds was autistic because:
He's an only child
I'm a single parent
Because being a single parent I could spend more time watching his development
I went to work
He went to childcare

Obviously the fact my ds has a gene variant that caused neurological disorder (he also has physical difficulties similar to CP) has absolutely nothing to do with it

And oh yes the academics.

I often get "he's too clever to be autistic".

Well he's just taken his gcse mocks and got a 2 in English language and 9 in science.
If that doesn't show you he has expressive language and communication problems but yet is bright I don't know what does.

From non-professionals:

1. All children do that.

2, He's too young to diagnose

1. You need to toilet train him (doubly incontinent until 8yrs old)
2. You have to be ambitious for him

From professionals:

1. He will go to a mainstream school
2. He will definitely hold down a job when he's older

For some weird reason the one that bothered me most is the mainstream school one - it is emotionally quite tricky to send your child to a special school at 4 years old as you constantly question yourself.

Someone cried when I told them he was going to a special school - I am still shocked at that reaction 5 years later!

When I get unsolicited advice now, I smile, thank the person and move on. I stopped trying to educate or explain as he's my lovely child and I am not interested in anyone's opinion because on him.

Just in case there is anyone who thinks having 'a label' is a bad thing, my DS, who is 25, always declares his autism and the usual response from employers is 'That's ok.' I was surprised though when recently on a course he was asked to prove that he had a disability so he could type answers in an exam rather than handwriting them. Luckily I still had his diagnosis letters (from age 12) and copies of his Statements.

"that's just his personality, his little ways"

"He'll grow out of those things, you'll see"

"Jesus, he must have it mild surely?"

This makes such depressing reading,my brother is autistic and now approaching 50 years old, my dm had all these comments and more but I assumed things had improved over the years and were much better it appears not.

The NHS Paediatric consultant who diagnosed my son with Aspergers asked me if anyone in my family is on the spectrum. I replied saying I’ve often wondered if I have Aspergers myself and her response was ‘well I doubt you do as you are married and have a job’. I wish I’d said something to her and the parents and teachers who come out with such nonsense each time but I’m so shocked that i just stare open mouthed (and then come home and cry and come up with incredibly witty responses I should’ve used!). I could honestly write a book on the comments we get!

The main one we had was “ your child can’t have Autism as they are not violent “
Yes, they have never displayed any kind of behaviour such as hitting, throwing things, kicking etc but they are effectively a toddler in an adults body. Low end of the spectrum and diagnosed at 2 years old.
To be honest, going by a lot of threads I have read just on Mumsnet I can understand why they probably think this way as it seems a lot of people think violent=Autism.
They would have a shock if they saw all the “non violent” but very autistic pupils in my child’s special school.

The other one was from my mother who likes to tell me that my child’s autism is all my fault because I sometimes have the tv on at home.

Good lord I'm not sure if this thread is comforting or depressing! But I don't feel alone now so thanks!

Yes DD doesn't 'look autistic' either. What does 'autistic' look like I wonder? She also makes eye contact (well with familiar people and appears to with strangers because she looks at their nose or head). So she can't be.

I also get 'oh I wouldn't worry about it at this age'. Ok, I'll stop the EHCP process, and not worry about her being supported when she starts school in September then shall I?

One I recall that actually hurt was the other day when my brother, who is amazing with my children and actually adores them made a flippant in jest comment that I really shouldn't have taken to heart, but did. We spent Xmas with them and my other sister with her children who are the same age as mine. We were at sisters house so her kids were totally settled and happy in their own environment, could nap in their own beds when they wanted etc.

DD was being DD, and her baby sister was teething, not sleeping and grumpy. She was a royal pain to be fair but you know, she's a baby and they are sometimes. We did our best with them. DD was actually ok despite being majorly out of her routine, she dealt with it like a champ.

My brother a few days later? "I love your children but me and girlfriend were saying the other day that when we have our kids, we hope they are like sisters, not yours, they're so much easier ha ha ha!"

Ouch.

Ha ha yes to the Sheldon comments. I say I hope she is, he might be an arse but look at the achievements he makes in life!