Stupid things people have said to you about your child with ASD.

[pinkytheunicorn]

Humour me. I'm growing a thicker skin and getting better at taking things on the chin. My DD is only three and a half and was diagnosed in the summer. She is autistic. Doesn't do a lot of the stereotypical things, she's like a little adult to speak to and struggles hugely with groups of peers, unfamiliar people and places etc. Her learning is off the scale and she loves to quote facts and 'do you remember when' things to familiar people. She is a little weird, bless her heart but she's my little weird one and I adore her.

I'm trying to look on the bright side (of peoples idiocy and ignorance not her diagnosis generally- it is what it is and we are doing our best to help now we know what we're dealing with) But four short months after diagnosis I've already heard some corkers. Some amuse me in a weird way, some hurt. I know some people think I'm a shit parent, and that I've made my daughter the way she is - not in a good way - and that stings.

So, come on share some of the stupid things people have said to you, so I can feel less alone and also like it could be worse!

So far, mine have been:

• Is she like that because you're a stay at home mum and she's never been put in childcare? You should have gone back to work
• If you stopped pandering to her she'd be less clingy she's not clingy, idiot
• No wonder she can't mix, you never took her to soft play/toddler groups because she hated them and would shake with terror you fuckwit
• She's spoilt and mollycoddled ^

-^ She's not got ASD surely, she's so clever, she's just shy/anxious

• Oh just bring her to the cinema/soft play/my house full of kids she'll be fine it's you that makes her anxious

Anyone got any to add??

I also had one about me when I was discussing it with family. I have a lot of traits, as does DH but whether we are autistic or not I don't know. There is no known autism in either side of the family, it must come from somewhere. We're both perfectly functioning adults in our late thirties, who didn't struggle at school or to make friends etc and we've never struggled to work etc. I don't work now, but DH has a great job and people skills.

"Well you can't be Pinky, you're terrible at maths!"

I am, to be fair.

"How do you cope?" has popped up a few times. We cope because we don't have any other alternative to coping and getting on with it. I'm never quite sure what they expect as a response to that. Should we just hand her back to the hospital then so we don't have to cope?

One of my other favourites I’ve had a couple of times ( I’m a single mum so think this particularly encourages people saying this) ‘the universe only gives you challenges it knows you can meet. You must be a special person to have been given these challenges and chosen to be DC parent’

I haven't RTFT yet but these two from Page One really resonated with me.

I've had "God/The Universe only give special children to special parents" as well as lots of "I don't know how you manage!" and "you must have the patience of a saint!" or "Gosh! Supermum!"

I know people are just trying to be nice and are trying to say "you're doing great" but it's such a clumsy way of doing it. I'm not a hero or a saint or special, I'm just a mum doing what countless other mums do day in day out. Yes it is very often hard work and we've had to make sacrifices and adjustments that parents of NT children haven't had to make but we do it because we have to just like parents of NT look after their DC because they have to. You can't hand them back "oh no thank you, not this one". By all means acknowledge that somethings may be difficult for us both as a family and individually for my DC but don't turn me into some sort of parenting deity.

The saint/hero/supermum thing also feeds into the idea of parents of SN children being held to far higher standards than parents if NT children. We are expected to have a handle on our DC all of the time and be able to predict their every move with psychic levels of precision. If we ever slip up or take our eye off the ball instead of getting the usual "these things happen" afforded to parents of NT children we often get told "but you KNOW he/she is autistic, you should have been aware that he/she would react in that totally unpredictable way in which they have never acted before today".

i had there is no such thing as adhd i was a bad mother

I've had:

• it doesn't come from our side of the family (jokes on them, its evident on both sides)
• he needs a good hiding/a smacked backside
• you need to start saying no more often
• its just attention seeking
• send them to me for a week, I'll sort them right out
• they don't seem autistic to me
• are you sure DS2 is actually autistic and not just copying off DS1 (from the same person who doubts DS1 is autistic)
• what's his special ability? They all get a special ability, don't they?
• he'll eat when he's hungry/he won't let himself starve

@nanny3 Oh I've heard that so many times. DD doesn't have ADHD but through Autism Support I've met lots of parents of young children who have both. So many of them have had their parenting attacked over and over. It makes me sad.

I know behind our backs people have commented negatively on our parenting. We've coddled DD so much that we've made her this way and particularly my choice to be a SAHM must have contributed. I mean, they all work and their children have been in nursery since around a year old and they don't have these issues! That's DHs friends/acquaintances gossipy wives, not my friends BTW. They wouldn't remain my friends if that's what they thought. I have literally zero judgement for mums that work, fair play if that's what works for your family. But the judgement on the other side that i receive is astonishing.

What did cheer me up is when we got our initial diagnosis through a private clinic (we got the NHS one later) the psychiatrist made a point of addressing DDs difficult first two years (she had various medical issues which meant I could rarely leave the house with her and certainly couldn't take her to toddler groups etc) and clearly wrote that although doubtless these issues would have had an impact on her, they could not possibly account for her presentation or condition. That made me feel a little better and I appreciated it.

He doesn't look autistic. From a GP.

firebunny
I do think most comments are because people don't understand. But not because they don't want to. I think threads like this make people more distant to disabled kids because you get ripped for trying. No one knows if they dont have a kid like yours. For some it's bridging the gap between trying at all or just looking away and ignoring other kids because they are too scared of getting grief from saying the wrong thing

I get that some people don't know what to say, or the themselves in knots saying the wrong thing in teying to say the right thing....
But
1)everyone needs to vent sometimes and for those in a similar boat to 'get it' l. It is hard when people say things that sting, even if they mean no harm by it.
2)some of the worst things said to us have been said by professionals and people working with our child. Sometimes these people dismiss our concerns, patronise and/or undermine us - we then have to let these people work with our vulnerable child. I have lost count of the number of times we have been in this position.

My son doesn't have a diagnosis of autism or ADHD, but I think the attitudes and platitudes are rolled out for many disabilities and complex needs.

From MIL: Are you sure you're not just saying he's autistic because so many celebrities these days seem to have autistic children? I know it's fashionable, Yellow, but he's absolutely fine when he's with me. Nothing wrong with him at all.

You’re so lucky.
It’s awesome.
What he’s gifted at?
All autistic kids are gifted, aren’t they?
You must be so proud of him.
He will grow out of it.
Have you thought about taking him to GP to get something for it?
Why is him doing this?
What’s wrong with him?

DS is 5 years old and non verbal.

“Do you think on some level you’re at least a bit responsible? After all it was you who took him for his MMR...” - my fucking idiot exMIL. I also learned that “they didn’t have all these silly things in our day you know. Naughty children were properly disciplined”.

So relieved that I haven’t spoken to the nasty old boot for years. Feel deeply sorry for my kids who still have to occasionally endure her and her shit.

I’ve also been asked what my child’s “special talent” is but that doesn’t annoy me as much. I understand that some people don’t get it, they mean well but are stumped for what to say. No, what pisses me off (and has previously reduced me to tears) is the need to blame and criticise. Not just me but anyone.

The special talent thing pisses me off when it comes from someone who really ought to know better, like a SENCO. I usually reply to it with a deadpan "he can fly but we've told him not to do it front of the normies".

@Hoik l love that answer

I get people telling me that I must be special and you are only given what you can handle...if only that were true.

Mine don't look autistic either...I'm not quite sure what people mean by this.

Teachers have told me for years that my son is bright that he just chooses not to learn...recent expert reports confirm that this is untrue, he is functioning way behind his age in the majority of areas. I get being positive but this attitude has prevented him from receiving any real support.

DS has ADHD (pretty much the max score on the Conners)

• Oh he's a typical boy
• Oh yes, there are some lively boys in that class aren't there?
• You just need to tell him not to.
• But you MUST give a consequence for poor behaviour
• He must have ASD too (However many times I do the parent screening questionnaire, it doesn't come out positive).
• He must have a learning disability (no, you just don't know how to teach him).

Oh yes and "he doesn't behave like that at school, it's a choice" (though now it's, if he doesn't behave like this at home, it must be a choice).

You are very lucky, at least you will have a DC that will stay with you forever. From Ex-Mil.

I have family who don't accept anything exists.. ASD, PDA, ADHD etc..so Ive heard all the comments:
"Just needs a good slap and discipline like they had in my day"
"Oh he wouldn't get away with it if he was DB's son.(my nephew) . he wouldn't dare, he MAKES him behave.
" It because he's spoilt and teachers have no discipline"etc
Needless to say we have nothing to do with this side of the family now.
"

I've had many of those mentioned by pp, but there are 2 responses I've had that have really stuck with me. One was DP's relative who, when I told her about DS2's diagnosis, said "oh, no!" and looked all crestfallen as though I'd told her he was dying and the other was a taxi driver who said "that's caused by their injections isn't it?" - I refrained from punching him in the back of the head and instead explained how Andrew fucking Wakefield and his unflushable turd of a study were roundly discredited. It wasn't his fault he was so poorly informed, but the persistence of that MMR study just won't go away and it's so damaging.

Thank you for this thread. I don't have autistic children.

I hope I'm not intruding, but I'm learning a lot - of what NOT to say! (I hope I never have said any of these things, if I have, I hope my leg will twist round to kick my arse).

What I would like to know - is there anything that you would like to hear? That could make you and your children, the challenges you and they face, feel acknowledged and respected?

I would be happy with a simple acknowledgement that it's really tough sometimes and a bit of kindness.

I would be happy with a simple acknowledgement that it's really tough sometimes and a bit of kindness.

That I can do. It must be very tough some times, for you and your children. I hope that the kindness quotient grows for you.

As well as kindness, acceptance of what we say would be bliss. So much of the talk about our children with additional needs is often taken up with defending diagnoses. Don’t assume I’m talking bollocks, accept the statement - and if you’re working with my child take that information into account. Please and thank you :)

what I would be happy with - not having to keep filling in blinking forms for her disability benefits - (its not going to suddenly disappear - & PIP form is a nightmare & what happens when I die or cant help her any more?) So, positive thing dd is a mature adult & spent extra time in college getting qualification (which gave her extra time to mature) we (!) went through several job support schemes/agencies & she applied for umpteen jobs - so finally she went for a job &she had got such a negative feeling (3 years of trying!) that when she got a phone call (which I answered only because I was nearest phone!) from an interview she went to the day before she couldn't believe hearing she had got it (over 10 years ago still there!) but she told me when she went for the interview the young woman who interviewed her was brilliant. If dd struggled to answer question - she rephrased it & got the best out of dd. DD goes to asd social group & has a decent social group among kindred spirits. It doesn't mean life is totally without issues or that I don't have to support her but she does have a life which she enjoys. So my thing is that if that young woman had the imagination to adapt the interview why cant others? (I think aggressive interviews with trick questions are counterproductive for anybody)

That's a good point about what you do say: I am happy to answer any questions about my son's disability and I am always happy to receive comments that he is hilarious and how much fun he must bring to our lives. Am also happy to hear that I am doing a fabulous job and must be a natural at this parenting lark

I forgot the worst thing anyone can say to me (and has been said too many times to count) - 'I'm not sure it's right to label them is it?' Like he is a parcel. Or a jar of homemade chutney. Or a box in a loft. I must admit I do respond quite firmly to that one, as it is just people trying to hide their passive aggression behind wide-eyed sympathy.