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Original poster

Stay at home or make him go?

149 replies

ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 11:01

Ds14 is going through a bit of a bad attitude phase right now, argues with everything, doesn't want to do anything.

Tonight we are meant to be going out with 3 other families from dh's work. Hot dogs at someone's house then bowling.

He doesn't want to go. He has been arguing with us about it for days. I get that it's not his dream night out, none of his close pals are there. But surely he can suck it up just for a few hours?

His reasons for not going are that it will be boring and he doesn't know anyone. He does know everyone but they are not his particular friends. No-one he actually dislikes though.

If we make him go he will be in a mood all night and potentially spoil it for everyone and embarrass DH in front of his colleagues.

But if he doesn't go I have to stay at home with him and that feels like letting him win, showing him that mega tantrums and bad behaviour get you what you want.

But if he really doesn't want to go that badly is it fair to make him?

What do I do?

OP posts:
MirriMazDuur · 29/12/2019 11:03

Why can't he stay home on his own at 14?

Original poster
ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 11:07

Because he's only just 14 and we'll be away from home for too long for me to want to leave him.
I don't mind leaving him during the day but after dark for at least 3 hours when we're a 45 minute car drive away is too much.

OP posts:
QueenWhatevs · 29/12/2019 11:09

3 hours after dark could be 4 to 7pm at the moment. Is he likely to do anything other than play his console and eat crisps? At 14 he ought to be able to be left. Perhaps, rather than thinking that you're 'letting him win', you can show that you're respecting his wishes and placing some trust in him (but with firm words about the shouting).

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MirriMazDuur · 29/12/2019 11:11

I agree.

Although could he not arrange something with friends anyway?

Mamimawr · 29/12/2019 11:12

I would leave my 12 year old DD for a couple of hours after dark. At 14 I hope she'll be able to look after her younger siblings for a couple of hours after dark. What are you afraid will happen to him?

Original poster
ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 11:12

7ish till 10ish, I don't want to leave him at that time of night. That's not an option for us right now.

OP posts:
MirriMazDuur · 29/12/2019 11:14

What do you think will happen at that time of night? Are you worried he will go out? Get him to ask a friend to have him over.

Seeline · 29/12/2019 11:16

Are the other kids going his age? How well does he know them - meet once or year, or go to the same school but not in his year/friendship group?

14 is a very difficult age for social events. Honestly, I'd leave him at home.

SimonJT · 29/12/2019 11:16

Unless he has special needs leave him at home, maybe he’a stroppy because he is used to being treated like a baby?

Original poster
ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 11:16

What are you afraid will happen to him

Probably nothing but we don't live in the nicest of areas, he's quite immature for his age and we are quite far away should he need us. Our nice neighbours are on holiday and his grandparents who live nearby are also out tonight.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 29/12/2019 11:20

I’m over 60 but can still remember the utter tediousness of being dragged out on ‘family visits’, fine to be strict if it is relatives but to see colleagues of your DH? Hmm. I wouldn’t want to do that as an adult.

If you are not prepared to leave him at home (& really even if he is only ‘just’ 14 I see nothing wrong with that) then you’ll just have to stay at home with him. Or is there a nearby relative/Godparent/good friend he could stay with?

fedup21 · 29/12/2019 11:23

I wouldn’t make my DD come to something like that at 14. I’d happily leave her at home.

Original poster
ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 11:25

Really? Does no-one think that now and again you just have to get on with it and do something you're not madly keen on for the sake of others in the family? It's only 3 hours out of his entire holiday, not a whole day or a long weekend.

We're not leaving him at home until 10pm at night when we're 45 minutes drive away. I appreciate other people would be happy to do that but we're not.

I'll just stay at home with him.

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 29/12/2019 11:25

He's 14, most of my friends were babysitting for others at that age! Let him stay at home and you enjoy your evening.

Those apron strings need slowly cutting.

MrsAJ27 · 29/12/2019 11:26

He either stays at home on his own or goes with you. Surely if he is immature like you say he may think twice about being left alone!

SinglePringle · 29/12/2019 11:26

At 14 years old, he is allowed to express an opinion on whether he goes out. He probably needs a bit of space from you all (same as adults do from family) and sees tonight as a golden opportunity for it. I can well remember the sense of relief when I was left home alone with just the telly and silence.

7-10 at 14 should be very manageable.

ReturnofSaturn · 29/12/2019 11:28

Jesus Christ just leave him at home, he's not a baby so stop treating him like one.

SinglePringle · 29/12/2019 11:29

I'll just stay at home with him

This would have made my heart sink at 14.

Teachermaths · 29/12/2019 11:29

Why is it better leaving him home alone in the light? It's not like the dark makes any difference. I'd be slightly concerned if I couldn't leave a 14yo home alone for a few hours. Have you always wrapped him in cotton wool?

MirriMazDuur · 29/12/2019 11:29

You only want him to sick it up because of your irrational feelings about him having an evening on his own.

Do you think someone is watching the house waiting for you to leave him alone?

And I'll say it for a third time - why can't you ask him to arrange something with a friend?!

Fishcakey · 29/12/2019 11:32

You are being a martyr if you stay at home wjth him. Either he stays alone or sucks it up and goes wjth you. DS14 has been left on his own in the evening since he was in year 8. He doesn't move from his Xbox.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 29/12/2019 11:36

Blimey leave him at home
I find that my dc's more immature friends are the ones who's parents keep saying things like "oh they're very young for their age". It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy
Or
Just make him go with you.
But this martyr routine does no one any favours

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 29/12/2019 11:36

I'd leave my 13 year old home alone in the situation you describe.

BrokenLogs · 29/12/2019 11:38

I was left alone at 14. At that age I was going to parties and staying out past midnight, my parents would have preferred me home (even alone) for a few hours!

maryberryslayers · 29/12/2019 11:44

He's far to old to be dragged out with his parents mates. I don't know any teens that would be up for that. Just leave him home with a pizza for goodness sake, 13/14 is more than old enough to be alone for the evening.