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Original poster

Stay at home or make him go?

149 replies

ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 11:01

Ds14 is going through a bit of a bad attitude phase right now, argues with everything, doesn't want to do anything.

Tonight we are meant to be going out with 3 other families from dh's work. Hot dogs at someone's house then bowling.

He doesn't want to go. He has been arguing with us about it for days. I get that it's not his dream night out, none of his close pals are there. But surely he can suck it up just for a few hours?

His reasons for not going are that it will be boring and he doesn't know anyone. He does know everyone but they are not his particular friends. No-one he actually dislikes though.

If we make him go he will be in a mood all night and potentially spoil it for everyone and embarrass DH in front of his colleagues.

But if he doesn't go I have to stay at home with him and that feels like letting him win, showing him that mega tantrums and bad behaviour get you what you want.

But if he really doesn't want to go that badly is it fair to make him?

What do I do?

OP posts:

Novembernickname · 29/12/2019 19:26

It will not hurt him to go with you. I wouldn't be too happy to leave a young 14 year old boy at home if I was 45 mins away either.
I would try to get him see that family life is give and take and remind him of the times you have done things for him even though it is boring. It's just what families do. Can he take some tech? A book? Some games to break the ice with the other?

Merename · 29/12/2019 19:33

I think this is one of these real MN pile on threads, you have to take some of it with a pinch of salt OP. It’s up to you if you don’t want to leave him alone. I agree with others that his feelings are important however, and dismissing them as a strop isn’t a good idea. Children and adults whose feelings are dismissed tend to resist and rebel, and you don’t get the best out of people that way. You’ve probably made your decision either way, but I feel frustrated on your behalf at how pushy the responses are.

Butterymuffin · 29/12/2019 19:33

Are teenagers never to be expected to do anything they don't want to then?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

eveshopper · 29/12/2019 19:34

Are teenagers never to be expected to do anything they don't want to then?

Nobody has said this.

People have commented about ONE situation. Assuming they mean ALL situations is ridiculous.

mbosnz · 29/12/2019 19:37

Are teenagers never to be expected to do anything they don't want to then?

Mine would say they are entirely too often, lol.

But I do try to balance it, and to give them the choice if it's not going to break the world, or really make any difference if they're not a part of it.

If I know that the relations or friends we're visiting are very much looking forward to seeing them, then yes, it's expected they attend, and attend with manners and grace.

If it's just that I'd prefer it because it's easier for me, then I'll give them the choice, and find a way to ensure it works out okay, which is pretty easy. Chuck a takeout or ready meal, cokes and crisps, a phone and a device at mine, and the worst that is going to happen is some fungal growth in their bedroom.

Butterymuffin · 29/12/2019 19:53

But OP has said it will make a difference. It spoils the night for her and her husband if the son refuses to go.

Lots of posts have said 'you shouldn't make him go, he won't enjoy it' but it's hardly akin to torture to go bowling. You'd think it was from some posts. He's been able to do stuff he enjoys for the rest on the holidays, OP has said. One 'duty' social event isn't asking too much.

WifOfBif · 29/12/2019 19:56

There is another thread about leaving a 13 year old home alone for three hours on NYE, and every single poster is saying the OP shouldn’t do it.

MN is a strange place sometimes.

mbosnz · 29/12/2019 19:59

I guess I just don't get why it would spoil their night. Why is his attendance so vital and integral? I imagine their son is thinking the same thing! If she can explain to him why this is how it is, that might help. Especially if they can negotiate, and barter - e.g., okay, go to this one, with a smile on the face, we'll stay for this long and no more, and then you can stay home when we go to see particularly poxy grandparent next Sunday afternoon. . .

Original poster

ShouldI101 · 29/12/2019 21:50

We are out and he and another teenager are sitting in the corner on their phones. Which is fine, I haven't tried to make him join in. It's nearly time to go home now anyway. I have explicitly said to him thank you for coming.

Tomorrow we are going to some swimming pool aqua obstacle course thing, we are all doing it, even DH and I, because the kids all wanted us to. I can't think of anything worse. But to my mind that's how families work. Sometimes it's your thing, sometimes it's someone else's.

OP posts:

nakedelfscientistOfThigh · 30/12/2019 09:57

I agree with you OP. You are creating a strong family unit. Life isn't always about what you 'want' to do and many times in social situations it turns out to be fun/ you meet a new person etc by just making the effort to go along. I guess it just a gentle push out of their comfort zone.

eveshopper · 30/12/2019 10:56

I don't get the point at all of all he did was sit on his phone. What did you gain from this OP? What did he gain?

You are creating a strong family unit.

By forcing a family member to go along to something he isn't interested in, where they sit on their phone in the corner all night? I think your idea of 'strong family unit' may not be all it seems!

Building a strong family unit isn't about dictating.

soulrunner · 30/12/2019 11:59

By forcing a family member to go along to something he isn't interested in

Well maybe the OP isn't interested (eg) in having a dry Saturday night so she can pick the ds up from future parties/ the cinema etc. It's about compromise. It rarely pays to work to rule- "you cant make me" etc. Thinking about the long game is generally in your interests.

eveshopper · 30/12/2019 12:07

Well maybe the OP isn't interested (eg) in having a dry Saturday night so she can pick the ds up from future parties/ the cinema etc.

But this is no comparison. OP made her DS go to the night out simply because she could. If she were to stay sober to collect a family member from somewhere that would be a reason to stay sober. There was no reason for the teen to go on the night out with his dads work colleagues.

It's about compromise.

Indeed. I am all for compromise and doing things for each other, but making the teen go to the night out was unnecessary and he wasn't making a compromise he was simply doing what he was made to do.

soulrunner · 30/12/2019 12:51

There was no reason for the teen to go on the night out with his dads work colleagues.

There was because if he didn’t go, she couldn’t go and she wanted to- of course assuming that leaving him home alone isn’t an option ( hard to judge without knowing him- some are practically adults, others...... aren’t ) .

CFlemingSmith · 30/12/2019 12:53

Honestly, I think you’re going to be heading into far more bigger problems if you continue to treat him like a very young child, combined with the fact you’re now just staying at home with him.
It’ll all end in tears, can guarantee it

selmabear · 30/12/2019 13:01

I was babysitting my neighbours 7 year old when I was 14. I dont see why he can't be left alone for 3 hours.

eveshopper · 30/12/2019 13:32

There was because if he didn’t go, she couldn’t go and she wanted to- of course assuming that leaving him home alone

He is 14 with no additional needs. Of course she could go without him. The idea that she couldn't leave him at home for a few hours is utterly ridiculous.

soulrunner · 30/12/2019 13:33

Yep, on reflection, fair enough.

Soffy · 30/12/2019 13:45

Building a strong family unit. My arse.

I would have left dd at home ,but each to their own. I also wouldn't do ab aqua obstacle course. I'll book us all into family therapy right away.

HelloAgainYou · 30/12/2019 13:49

I absolutely wouldn't have left my DS alone and he's 14.5yo.

OP the comments you've received here are ridiculous and I would have taken my DS, but then he would have behaved well even if he initially moaned.

I do believe that if given the choice, teenagers wouldn't do anything!

eveshopper · 30/12/2019 13:51

@HelloAgainYou

I absolutely wouldn't have left my DS alone and he's 14.5yo.

Why not?

HelloAgainYou · 30/12/2019 14:00

Similar reasons to the OP actually. We got burgled earlier in the year and even though we live in a pretty safe area, I would be horrified if they came back and he was home alone.

Also I think 10pm is too late to leave a 14yo by himself. We're not close to our neighbours and our family are 30mins away.

As I also mentioned, given the chance most teenagers will say no to everything. Learning the skill to embrace new people and new situations (even if you think you won't like them at first) is important.

14yo in my eyes is still very young.

HelloAgainYou · 30/12/2019 14:01

But also there is another thread where quite a lot of MNers feel it's okay to give a 14yo alcohol. That would NEVER happen in my lifetime.

Zoflorabauble · 30/12/2019 14:08

My ds is now 16 nearly 17 and has Aspergers and anxiety and he was left home alone from year 7 with no issues.

At 14 it is embarrassing to babysit him unless there are specific reasons why he wouldn’t be safe.
Imagine what his friends would think!

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